The sun was directly overhead, beating down on us with the intensity of a thousand angry Wang family matriarchs.
We had been walking for another two hours since the boar incident. My hands were blistered from dragging the massive sack of evidence, my makeshift goat-leash was cutting into my wrist, and my ragged robes were plastered to my back with sweat.
I wiped my forehead, taking a deep, miserable sniff of my own armpit. I recoiled instantly. I smelled like old onions, dirt, and despair.
"Boss," I groaned, kicking a pebble. "If we don't find a stream soon, I am going to spontaneously combust from my own body odor. I smell like a peasant."
Lo Yu, walking slightly ahead with his newly acquired, glowing yellow boar tusks strapped to his back, didn't even turn around. "Of course you do. You are a mortal. Your sweat is just gross mortal juice. But a female cultivator? Ah... their sweat is the nectar of the heavens."
I perked up slightly, ignoring the searing pain in my calves. "Go on."
"It is a known fact among the enlightened," Lo Yu said, stroking his scraggly beard with absolute solemnity, "that a high-level Jade Water Sect fairy does not merely sweat. She leaks pure liquid Qi. And there are three great Spiritual Springs on the human body where this scent gathers in its purest, most intoxicating form."
"But wait, Boss," I interrupted, shifting the sack of panties to my other shoulder. "In all the stories from my... uh, previous hometown, they always say fairies just smell like blooming lotuses and morning dew. Doesn't that get a bit boring? Like sniffing a cheap incense stick?"
Lo Yu scoffed loudly, spitting into the dirt. "Lies! Absolute propaganda spread by virgin scholars who have never been within a hundred feet of a real woman!"
He stopped and pointed his walking stick directly at my chest.
"Listen to me, He Lu. The Qi purifies the sweat, yes. But it does not erase the human. Underneath the magical energy, there is still that thick, primal, musky human scent! That glorious, feral tang of a woman who just fought a beast for three days straight! The magic doesn't replace the musk; it takes that natural human stank and turns the dial up to a hundred. It ferments it into something divine."
I gasped softly. The sheer poetry of it. "So... they still smell human. Just... premium human."
"Premium human," Lo Yu agreed, nodding slowly. "Which brings me back to the Holy Trinity: The Twin Peaks of Musk—the armpits. The Jade Valley—the coochie. And the Forbidden Rear Courtyard—the asshole. Each has its own unique aroma. Its own special vintage of that premium human musk."
I nodded slowly, thoroughly invested in this philosophy. The goat beside me let out a soft baaaa of agreement.
"Now, the Jade Valley and the Rear Courtyard are advanced subjects," Lo Yu continued, waving his stick like a professor. "They require a refined palate. The deep, heavy stank of the Forbidden Courtyard takes a real connoisseur to appreciate. But the Twin Peaks of Musk... the armpits... that is where the true foundation of our Dao lies."
"I have to agree," I said, readjusting the goat's leash. "A good, musky pit after a long sword-dancing routine? Exceptional. But it brings up a very important logistical question, Boss. Where do you stand on the great debate: shaved or au naturel?"
Lo Yu's eyes went wide with profound, righteous anger. "Shaved?" he whispered, as if I had just suggested we burn down an orphanage. "Shaved?! Are you a demonic cultivator?!"
"Hey, I'm just asking!" I put my hands up defensively. "Some guys like a smooth surface!"
"Heresy!" Lo Yu shrieked, his voice echoing off the trees. "Absolute, unadulterated heresy! To completely shave the underarm of a fairy is to destroy the very foundation of the Qi-gathering array!"
I blinked. "The what now?"
"The hair, you uncultured swine!" Lo Yu tapped his temple furiously. "What do you think traps that premium human musk? The hair acts as a natural net for the scent! If a fairy completely shaves her pits, the sweat just slides off! The aroma blows away in the wind! It is a tragic waste of natural resources!"
"Okay, okay, I see your point," I conceded, rubbing my chin. "But you can't tell me a full, untamed bush under there is ideal. That's a choking hazard."
Lo Yu sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose like he was dealing with a particularly slow toddler. "No, of course not. We are not barbarians. The golden mean, He Lu, is the trimmed underarm."
"Ah. The Trimmed Dao."
"Exactly. About a quarter-inch of fuzz," Lo Yu said, his eyes glazing over with a dreamy, far-off look. "Just enough to trap the beads of sweat like morning dew on grass. It gives a little tickle on your nose when you go in for a deep sniff. It takes that raw human musk and turns it into a divine experience."
I stared at him. The man was a poet. A disgusting, deeply depraved poet, but a poet nonetheless.
"Boss," I said, feeling a genuine tear prick the corner of my eye. "I have learned more from you in the last four hours than I learned in my entire previous life."
"You have good instincts, boy, but your theoretical foundation needs work," Lo Yu said, turning back around and resuming his march. "We will begin your lessons on the bouquet of the Rear Courtyard tomorrow. It requires a deep understanding of dietary habits and spiritual digestion."
I grinned, hauling the sack of panties over my shoulder with renewed vigor. The blisters on my feet didn't hurt quite as much. The scorching sun felt a little warmer.
The goat trotted beside me, happily chewing on a stray weed. We were three degenerates walking down a dirt road, armed with a bag of stolen underwear, glowing pig teeth, and an unshakeable philosophy.
Heavenly Peak City wasn't ready for us.
And then, as we crested the final hill, the trees parted, and the Promised Land finally revealed itself.
My jaw dropped.
Heavenly Peak City didn't just sit on the mountain; it commanded it. Massive walls of white jade stretched as far as the eye could see, gleaming under the afternoon sun. Above the city, suspended in the clouds themselves, were the floating islands and pristine waterfalls of the Jade Water Sect. I could practically smell the premium human musk wafting on the breeze.
"We made it," I breathed out, stepping forward.
Lo Yu held up a hand, his walking stick blocking my path. His dreamy, philosophical demeanor instantly vanished, replaced by the sharp, paranoid gaze of a seasoned criminal.
"Don't get too excited, boy," Lo Yu muttered, pointing a crooked finger toward the base of the white jade walls.
I squinted. There was a massive gate, bustling with merchant carts and travelers. But standing in front of that gate were two dozen guards in pristine blue and silver armor. They weren't just waving people through; they were meticulously searching every cart, patting down every traveler, and holding up shining mirrors that glowed with spiritual energy.
I looked down at myself. I was covered in dirt, manure, and boar sweat. I was holding a struggling goat on a rope. Over my shoulder was a highly suspicious, lumpy sack filled with stolen women's underwear. Beside me was a wanted Litigation Master carrying the severed, glowing teeth of a magical beast.
We looked exactly like the kind of people guards were paid to violently execute on sight.
"Boss," I swallowed hard, my grip tightening on the goat's leash. "Do you happen to have a legal precedent for smuggling panty contraband past a military checkpoint?"
"No," Lo Yu said grimly, adjusting his robes. "But I do have an expired talisman that makes a very loud, very distracting fart noise. Follow my lead, and whatever you do, do not let them search the bag."