The wooden stool was still warm.
The moment Fairy Che-Ting's perfectly manicured hand signed the final settlement release form and she strutted out the shattered doorframe of our office, my professional facade violently evaporated.
I didn't even wait for the sound of her footsteps to fade down the alleyway. I lunged across the cabbage-scented floorboards, dropped to my knees, and slammed my face directly into the seat of the wooden stool she had just vacated.
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.
"Oh, Heavenly Dao," I whispered, my voice trembling with profound, pathetic reverence. "The resonance. The sheer, unadulterated terroir of the Forbidden Rear Courtyard."
It wasn't just the scent of jasmine perfume. It was a complex, layered ecosystem of aroma. When a high-tier female cultivator performs three thousand squats a day, the friction and body heat create a localized micro-climate right in the crevice of the Rear Courtyard. A swamp of divine proportions. The heavy, earthy tang of that sweat-soaked crevice, compressed into the wood grain by her divine weight, was a masterpiece. It smelled of victory, newfound wealth, and the intoxicating, musky humidity of a newly single woman.
"You are embarrassing the firm, Junior Associate."
I opened one eye, keeping my nose firmly planted against the stool.
Lo Yu emerged from the dark, windowless storage closet at the back of our office. He was breathing heavily, his scraggly beard was a complete mess, and his tattered robes were buttoned completely wrong. A very distinct, bright pink lipstick smudge was plastered right on his collarbone.
I slowly stood up, dusting off my knees. I looked at the lipstick. I looked at the stool. Then, I looked back at my three-hundred-year-old, missing-toothed goblin of a boss.
"Boss," I said, my voice hollow. "Fairy Che-Ting was in the back room with you for forty-five minutes. She said you were 'reviewing the asset reallocation ledgers.'"
Lo Yu smirked, reaching into his robes and pulling out a heavy, incredibly full pouch of mid-grade spirit stones. He tossed it onto his wine-barrel desk. It landed with a glorious, heavy thud.
"We were reallocating assets, He Lu," Lo Yu rasped, adjusting his belt. "She was incredibly generous with her... retainer bonuses. A Litigation Master must always be thorough when consoling a grieving divorcee. It requires a very hands-on approach."
My soul left my body. It floated up through the ceiling, looked down at my pathetic, chair-sniffing existence, and wept.
I was the protagonist. I was the transmigrated soul with modern knowledge. And yet, I was literally sniffing the residual seat-warmth while my geriatric boss was actively achieving the Dao of Dual Cultivation in a broom closet.
"I hate it here," I whispered.
"Dry your tears, boy, and count the stones," Lo Yu laughed, tossing me a single mid-grade stone. It glowed with dense, intoxicating Qi. "We are officially businessmen. We have fifty mid-grade stones."
I caught the stone, the smooth surface instantly lifting my spirits. Fifty mid-grade stones. That was five thousand low-grade stones. I was rich.
"Boss," I gasped, my eyes shining with degenerate ambition. "Do you know what this means? We can walk right back into the Spring Breeze Pavilion next door. We can slam this pouch onto Madam Hua's jade table and order the premium package! I'm talking untamed, sweaty, sleeveless fairies! I'm talking the Trimmed Dao!"
"Absolutely not," Lo Yu snapped, snatching the pouch off the barrel. "This is operating capital. We need to invest in the firm."
"Networking at a brothel is investing in the firm!" I argued, pointing frantically at the door. "It's a business expense!"
"We lack a functional front door, He Lu! We are operating out of a condemned glory hole den! The goat is actively eating our legal pads because we can't afford premium beast feed!" Lo Yu banged his walking stick against the floorboards. "We are buying wood. We are buying nails. And I am buying a new robe that doesn't smell like a dead badger."
Before I could vocalize my outrage at this terrible financial responsibility, the temperature in the room plummeted.
A shadow fell over the doorway. The ambient smell of garbage and cheap booze was instantly erased, replaced by the crisp, biting scent of winter pine and freezing snow.
Standing in the threshold, no longer wearing her formal court robes, was Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan.
She was dressed in a sleek, form-fitting blue tunic and dark trousers that highlighted the athletic curve of her hips. Her silver hair needles were gone, allowing a cascade of dark, silky hair to fall around her shoulders. She didn't look like a stiff legal liaison right now. She looked like a devastatingly beautiful, extremely dangerous woman off the clock.
I immediately kicked the client stool under the desk and puffed out my chest, my mind shifting into high gear.
Why is she here? my brain calculated. She's Sect Law Enforcement. She just lost a massive case to us. This is a setup.
"Senior Sister," I said, narrowing my eyes. "The trial is over. If you're here to appeal the Oopsie-Daisy precedent, you have to file the paperwork with the magistrate, not us."
Ho Li-Fan didn't look at Lo Yu. She stepped into the cramped office, her icy blue eyes locking entirely onto me.
"I am not here on official Sect business, He Lu," she said. Her voice was lower than it had been in the courtroom. Softer. It sent a strange, confusing shiver down my spine.
She walked toward me, her hips swaying with a slow, deliberate rhythm. She stopped just a few inches away, forcing me to look slightly up at her. Up close, her skin was flawless.
"I have to admit," Ho Li-Fan murmured, tilting her head slightly. "Your performance in the courtroom today was... unorthodox. Most men in this city tremble when they speak to me. But you... you are completely shameless. You don't care about the rules."
"Uh," I said, my eyes darting to her collar. Is she wearing a recording jade? She's definitely wearing a wire.
"I care about winning, Fairy," I replied coldly, crossing my arms to defend my vital organs. "If you think you can intimidate me into dropping future cases against the Jade Water Sect, you're wasting your time."
Ho Li-Fan blinked, a flash of genuine confusion crossing her perfect features. She recovered quickly, a small, amused smile playing on her lips. She reached out, her cool, slender fingers lightly brushing the lapel of my dust-covered robes.
"Intimidate you?" she whispered, leaning in closer. Her breath smelled like mint and spiritual frost. "He Lu, I find your lack of respect... refreshing. The men in my Sect are so boring. So rigid. I actually frequent this district at night. Off the record, of course. To... 'observe' the local culture."
She paused, her eyes dropping to my lips, then back up to my eyes.
"I'm going on a patrol of the Joyous Alley tonight," she said softly. "It can be quite lonely. I was wondering if a clever man like yourself would care to... accompany me. To discuss legal precedents over a jar of private reserve wine. In a private room."
It was the most blatant, glaringly obvious invitation in the history of human communication. A literal neon sign flashing the words DUAL CULTIVATION above her head couldn't have made it clearer.
But I was He Lu. My paranoia was a fortress.
My eyes widened in absolute, terrified realization. I took a massive step back, violently swatting her hand away from my lapel.
"Ha! I knew it!" I yelled, pointing an accusatory finger directly at her flawless nose. "Nice try, Fed!"
Ho Li-Fan froze. "Excuse me?"
"You think I'm an idiot?!" I scoffed, puffing my chest out in triumph. "You want me to go on 'patrol' with you? You want me to be an unpaid snitch for the Jade Water Sect! You want me to walk around the brothels, point out the illegal cauldrons, and do your dirty work for free!"
The Ice Beauty stared at me. Her mouth actually fell open slightly.
"He Lu," she said, her voice strained. "I am inviting you to drink wine with me. In a private room. With a bed."
"Oh, so it's a sting operation!" I crossed my arms smugly, tapping my temple. "You want me to act as the bait for an illegal prostitution bust! Listen to me, Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan. My hourly consultation rate is five mid-grade stones. I do not do pro-bono undercover work, and I certainly don't share my private reserve wine with cops! Get a warrant!"
The silence in the office was deafening.
In the corner, the goat slowly lowered the piece of rotting floorboard it was chewing on. It looked at me. It looked at Ho Li-Fan. Then, it slowly shook its head side to side, actively disappointed in my existence.
Ho Li-Fan's face went through a terrifying cycle of emotions. Confusion. Disbelief. And finally, a cold, hard, murderous realization that she was speaking to the densest object in the mortal realm.
The temperature in the room dropped below freezing. Frost actually formed on the edges of Lo Yu's wine barrel desk.
"I see," Ho Li-Fan said. Her voice was no longer soft. It sounded like an avalanche about to crush a village. "It appears I have vastly overestimated your intelligence, Junior Associate."
"My intelligence is perfectly fine, Fed! You can't out-lawyer a lawyer!" I beamed, thoroughly convinced I had just brilliantly sidestepped a major legal trap.
Ho Li-Fan didn't say another word. She spun on her heel, her blue robes whipping through the air, and marched out of the office. The sheer force of her angry Qi slammed the remaining pieces of our broken door into the alleyway wall, shattering them into splinters.
I turned back to Lo Yu, grinning from ear to ear.
"Did you see that, Boss?" I laughed, tossing the mid-grade spirit stone up and catching it. "She tried to rope us into free labor! But my situational awareness is peerless. I read her like a book."
Lo Yu was staring at me. He looked older than his three hundred years. He reached into a drawer, pulled out a small, half-empty bottle of cheap rice wine, uncorked it, and took a long, depressing swig.
"Junior Associate," Lo Yu rasped, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. "You are, without exception, the single most tragic creature the Heavens have ever produced. You possess negative rizz. You are a black hole of romance."
I frowned, my paranoia flaring up again. "What? Boss, she's Sect law enforcement! I just insulted a cop! Wait... Oh no. What if she audits us?!"
Panic instantly seized my chest. The IRS. The cultivation equivalent of the IRS was going to come for our fifty mid-grade stones.
"I have to invoke my right to remain silent!" I shrieked.
I spun around to sprint after her and officially declare my neutrality to the Jade Water Sect. But in my blind panic, my foot caught the edge of the goat's makeshift bed.
I went airborne. I flew across the room, completely out of control, and slammed face-first into the Enlightenment Wall.
My right foot shot directly through the second glory hole from the left.
I crashed to the floorboards, completely wedged.
"YEOOOWCH!" a muffled, husky voice yelled from the alleyway outside. "Hey! I didn't order the foot special! What kind of establishment is this?!"
"Boss!" I screamed, thrashing wildly on the floor, my leg firmly stuck in the glory hole. "Boss, the Feds are going to arrest us for operating an unlicensed foot-fetish parlor! Get the crowbar!"
Lo Yu just took another slow, agonizing sip of his rice wine.
"I hate it here," Lo Yu whispered to himself.