"Boss," I whispered, pressing my back against the cold stone of an alleyway wall. "I am beginning to question your investigative methodology."
The moon was high over Heavenly Peak City, casting long shadows across the red-light district. The air was thick with the scent of roasted meat, spilled wine, and the ever-present premium human musk.
Lo Yu was currently crouched behind a pile of empty wine casks, peering through a crack in the wood toward the glowing entrance of the Drunken Phoenix Pavilion. It was an establishment so high-end that the bouncers wore matching silver armor and checked your Qi-circulation before letting you through the door.
"Question nothing, Junior Associate," Lo Yu muttered, his eyes glued to the entrance. "In the cutthroat world of tort law, evidence is king. We must catch Elder Kuai in the act of misappropriating marital funds. And by 'misappropriating,' I mean spending his wife's alimony on premium dual-cultivation specialists."
"I understand the legal theory," I said, swatting a mosquito away from my ear. "What I am questioning is why we are currently trespassing in the VIP garden of a brothel that charges a hundred mid-grade stones just to smell the incense in the lobby. And more importantly, why the head of firm security is here."
I gestured down. Standing perfectly still between my legs was the goat. It was wearing a tiny, makeshift black bandana tied around its head like a ninja. It looked incredibly stupid.
"The beast refused to be left alone with the glory holes," Lo Yu reasoned. "Besides, its hooves are remarkably quiet. Now, prepare the Shadow-Catching Jade. Our target approaches."
Lo Yu tossed me a smooth, black stone the size of a skipping rock. It was a low-level magical artifact that recorded visual and audio evidence, rented with our absolute last glowing boar tusk.
Down in the courtyard, a golden carriage pulled by two flaming spectral horses came to a halt. The doors swung open, and out stepped the man of the hour: Elder Kuai of the Scorching Sun Sect.
He looked exactly like the kind of guy who would scream a martial arts attack name in bed. He was tall, obscenely muscular, and wearing golden robes embroidered with aggressive, flexing dragons.
"Elder Kuai!" one of his lackeys laughed, holding open the brothel door. "The Heavenly Swallows have been preparing for your arrival all day! Though, I fear for their safety! Your Yang-Root is said to possess the stamina of a thousand raging bulls!"
Elder Kuai threw his head back and laughed, a booming sound that rattled the lanterns. "A thousand bulls? You underestimate me! The Swift-Wind Lightning Thrust Dao waits for no woman! Tonight, I shall show these pavilion girls the true, terrifying apex of masculine efficiency!"
I winced in the shadows. "He literally thinks finishing in three seconds is a flex."
"Arrogance is the shield of the inadequate," Lo Yu philosophized, adjusting his robes. "It is our legal duty to shatter that illusion. To the roof, Junior Associate!"
Getting onto the roof of the Drunken Phoenix Pavilion required a terrifying climb up a rusted drainage pipe. I nearly slipped twice, but Lo Yu scrambled up the side of the building with the horrifying agility of a giant, missing-toothed spider. The goat simply walked up a steeply angled support beam, defying gravity entirely, and gave me a judgmental look when I finally hoisted myself over the jade-tiled edge.
We crept across the roof to a large, illuminated skylight. Lo Yu carefully pried one of the clay tiles loose and pointed down.
The room below was lavishly decorated. Sitting in the center of a massive circular bed was one of the pavilion's top specialists. She was stunning, dressed in practically nothing, and radiating a soft Yin aura. She was casually flipping through a jade scroll, looking completely bored.
The door to the suite banged open. Elder Kuai strode in, his golden robes already half-undone.
"Prepare yourself, Fairy!" Elder Kuai boomed, flexing his pectorals. "You face the pinnacle of the Scorching Sun Sect! I hope you have updated your life insurance, for the hurricane approaches!"
The specialist didn't even look up from her scroll. She just picked up an hourglass from the nightstand and flipped it over. "That's great, honey. Hourly rate applies even if you finish early. Shoes off the silk sheets, please."
"Record this!" Lo Yu hissed.
I scrambled to hold the Shadow-Catching Jade directly over the hole. Elder Kuai struck a martial arts stance at the edge of the bed, his Qi flaring violently.
"I am the storm!" Kuai roared. He leaped onto the bed.
What followed was not a romantic encounter. It was a terrifying, deeply confusing martial arts demonstration.
One breath. Elder Kuai lunged forward, his movements a blur of pure, terrifying speed. The bed frame groaned.
Two breaths. Lightning literally crackled around his waist. The pavilion specialist blinked, finally looking up, her hair blown back by the sheer wind pressure of his hips.
Three breaths. Elder Kuai's eyes rolled back. His entire body glowed with blinding Yang energy. He took a massive, gulping breath of air.
"SWIFT-WIND DRAGON ASCENDING THE HEAVENS!!!"
The shout was deafening. The concussive force lifted me a solid inch off the roof tiles. Down below, the blinding light faded. Elder Kuai was face-down on the mattress, completely motionless. A soft, rhythmic snoring filled the room.
The pavilion specialist sighed, wiped a stray spark of static electricity off her shoulder, picked her scroll back up, and continued reading.
"Fascinating," Lo Yu whispered. "The sheer density of the Yang explosion creates a catastrophic rebound effect, forcing his nervous system to hard reset so his soul doesn't combust. Pathetic."
"I got it all," I wheezed, my hands shaking as I secured the blinking jade. "Fairy Che-Ting is going to win everything."
I turned to crawl back toward the drainage pipe. But I had forgotten the cardinal rule of our firm: never turn your back on the head of security.
The goat had wandered over to the skylight. It looked down at the unconscious, naked, heavily-muscled form of Elder Kuai. Its rectangular pupils dilated.
It leaned its head forward, opened its mouth, and let out a massive, wet, violently unholy sneeze directly through the hole.
A glob of thick, green goat-mucus plummeted like a precision-guided missile, landing with a wet smack squarely on the back of Elder Kuai's bald head.
The cold shock did what dual cultivation couldn't. Elder Kuai's eyes snapped open. He touched the back of his head, looking at the green slime. Then, he looked up at the ceiling.
He locked eyes with the cross-eyed goat.
"ASSASSINS!" Elder Kuai roared. "PEEPING TOMS ON THE ROOF! GUARDS!"
"Run!" Lo Yu shrieked.
I grabbed the goat by its ninja bandana and hauled it away. Below us, alarms began to blare. We had the evidence. Now, we just had to survive long enough to present it in court.
The Grand Magistrate's Court of Heavenly Peak City the next morning was a marvel of architectural intimidation. Naturally, our legal team ruined the vibe the second we walked through the doors.
Lo Yu was wearing "formal" robes stolen from a scarecrow. I was still covered in brothel-roof dust. And the goat, completely unbothered by the spiritual pressure, was aggressively trying to chew on the brass railing.
Fairy Che-Ting sat next to us in a demure, mournful white dress, playing the tragic wife to perfection. Across the aisle sat Elder Kuai, looking incredibly smug.
But it wasn't Kuai that made my palms sweat. It was his legal counsel.
Standing beside the Elder, organizing glowing jade scrolls, was the official Legal Liaison of the Jade Water Sect: Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan.
She was the legendary "Ice Beauty" of the Inner Court. She wore pristine, flowing blue robes that covered her from neck to toe. Her hair was pinned up in a flawless arrangement of silver needles. Her expression was so cold the ambient temperature around her desk was actually dropping. There was no premium human musk here. She smelled like freshly fallen snow and unreachable standards.
I leaned over the railing, shooting her my most devastating smirk. "Hey there, opposing counsel. If we finish this trial early, maybe we could go review some briefs over a cup of—"
Ho Li-Fan didn't even turn her head. She simply shifted her icy blue eyes toward me and let out a soft, barely audible scoff.
My mouth clamped shut. I felt a sudden, inexplicable urge to apologize for being born.
Bang! Bang!
City Magistrate Chen, an elderly man with bags under his eyes like bruised plums, banged his gavel. "Court is in session. Case number 402. Petition for dissolution of marital contract. Who speaks for the defense?"
Ho Li-Fan stood up, her movements fluid and measured.
"I speak for Elder Kuai, Your Honor," her voice was like chiming crystal. "The plaintiff's claims of marital neglect are baseless. His cultivation techniques are orthodox, his Yang energy is bountiful, and we request an immediate dismissal."
She sat down. It was flawless.
Magistrate Chen sighed. "And who speaks for the plaintiff?"
This was it. My time to shine. I had watched all nine seasons of Suits.
I stood up, puffed out my chest, and pointed dramatically. "Your Honor! I say the defense's argument is complete garbage! In fact, I would like to officially invoke the Oopsie-Daisy precedent!"
The entire courtroom went dead silent.
"The... what precedent?" Magistrate Chen blinked.
"The Oopsie-Daisy precedent!" I declared confidently. "A highly complex legal maneuver from my homeland. It clearly states that if a husband makes a severe, unfixable 'oopsie'—such as failing to provide adequate Yin-Yang exchange—the wife is legally entitled to take his yacht and leave! I rest my case!"
Ho Li-Fan slowly closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Your Honor. Opposing counsel is just making up words. There is no such thing as an 'Oopsie-Daisy' in the Heavenly Laws."
"Objection! Hearsay! Filibuster!" I yelled.
"Sit down, boy," Lo Yu hissed, violently yanking me back into my chair by the belt. He stood up, leaning on his walking stick. "Forgive my associate, Your Honor. His brain is as smooth as a polished river stone. But his core argument stands. Elder Kuai has monopolized the Yang, starved my client of Yin, and engaged in extramarital affairs using sect funds!"
"Lies!" Kuai slammed his fist on his desk. "I am the master of the Swift-Wind Lightning Thrust Dao! My marital arts are peerless!"
"Peerless?" Lo Yu chuckled, pulling out the Shadow-Catching Jade. "Your Honor. Exhibit A."
"Objection! The defense has not reviewed this!" Ho Li-Fan's icy demeanor cracked.
"Overruled. Just show it, Lo Yu, I have a pill-refining appointment at noon," the Magistrate sighed.
Lo Yu pumped Qi into the black stone. A massive, glowing illusion projected into the center of the courtroom. The gallery gasped. It was the Heavenly Phoenix Suite. The pavilion specialist. And Elder Kuai, completely naked, glowing with crackling lightning.
"I am the storm!" the illusionary Elder Kuai roared.
The courtroom watched in absolute, horrified fascination.
One breath. Two breaths. Three breaths.
"SWIFT-WIND DRAGON ASCENDING THE HEAVENS!!!" The concussive shout rattled the actual courtroom windows. The illusionary Kuai arched his back, went completely rigid, and collapsed face-first onto the mattress, instantly snoring.
The projection ended. The jade dropped to the floor with a soft clink.
The silence was absolute. Elder Kuai's face drained of all color. He went from an arrogant Sect Elder to a hollow, humiliated shell of a man in exactly three seconds. One of his lackeys actually took a step away from him.
Fairy Che-Ting let out a loud, tragic sob, burying her face in her hands, though her shoulders shook with suppressed laughter.
"Three breaths," Magistrate Chen whispered, staring blankly at the spot where the projection had been.
Ho Li-Fan slammed her hands on her desk, desperately trying to salvage the situation. "Your Honor! I object! This evidence was obtained through illegal trespassing! According to Section Four, Subsection Nine of the Heavenly Code—"
She reached down to grab her primary legal scroll to cite the law. Her hand grasped empty air.
Ho Li-Fan froze. Sitting right next to her, having silently padded across the courtroom floor during the video, was the goat.
Half of Section Four, Subsection Nine of the Heavenly Code was currently hanging out of the goat's mouth. It chewed thoughtfully, maintaining cross-eyed eye contact with the Ice Beauty, and swallowed the scroll in one gulp.
Baaaa.
Ho Li-Fan stared at the goat. A single vein throbbed on her perfectly smooth forehead. "Did... did that farm animal just eat my legal precedent?"
"It appears your objection lacks a supporting foundation, Senior Sister," I called out cheerfully.
"Enough," Magistrate Chen groaned, banging his gavel weakly. "I have seen enough. The evidence of adultery is undeniable. The evidence of... inadequate martial stamina... is burned into my retinas forever. I rule in favor of the plaintiff."
Elder Kuai let out a strangled cry. "No! My yacht!"
He clutched his chest, eyes rolling back, and in true cultivation-novel fashion, coughed up a massive mouthful of blood before collapsing.
"The marital contract is dissolved. All assets are awarded to Fairy Che-Ting," Chen droned. "Court is adjourned. And someone get that damn goat out of my hall."
We had actually won.
Fairy Che-Ting threw her arms around Lo Yu, weeping tears of joy. "Thank you, Senior!"
"Justice is its own reward, Fairy," Lo Yu said solemnly. "Though, if you find any more of those silk stockings on the yacht, the firm's address has not changed."
I looked across the aisle. Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan was packing up her remaining scrolls. Right before she turned to leave, she locked eyes with me. She didn't look angry. She looked... appraising. Like she was evaluating a particularly annoying but highly effective new species of insect.
She turned on her heel and swept out of the courtroom, a flurry of pristine blue robes.
I grinned. The "Lo & He Law Firm" had just ruined a Sect Elder. We had money, we had a reputation, and we had a goat that actively destroyed opposing counsel's paperwork. Heavenly Peak City didn't know what hit it.