WHACK. I brought the hammer down with the fury of a man who had not slept, had not bathed, and was actively fighting a war on two fronts.
"Take your spiritual supplements somewhere else!" I screamed at the rotting pine wall, nailing a splintered piece of our former front door over the second hole from the right.
From the alleyway outside, a muffled, deeply disappointed groan echoed into the morning air. "But I have coupons!"
"The Enlightenment Wall is closed for renovations!" I yelled back, driving a second nail in for good measure.
It had been three days since we signed the lease for the Lo & He Law Firm. In that time, I had developed severe carpal tunnel syndrome, and the goat had developed a taste for human fingers. We had successfully barricaded four of the six glory holes. The remaining two were currently being guarded by the goat, who was sitting on its haunches, staring at the empty wooden circles with the terrifying intensity of an apex predator waiting for a rat to pop out.
Lo Yu, meanwhile, was sitting behind our newly acquired desk—which was actually just an oversized, empty wine barrel we rolled in from the brothel next door. He was meticulously arranging his collection of glowing boar tusks and stolen, premium-musk-infused panties into neat, highly disturbing piles.
"Boss," I gasped, leaning against the wall and wiping sweat from my forehead. "If we don't get a client soon, I'm going to have to start charging an entry fee for the alleyway just to buy us breakfast."
A rattling sound drifted through the shattered doorframe. Wandering down the cobblestone street was an old, deeply wrinkled crone pushing a wooden cart. She wore tattered grey robes that hung entirely open at the front, which was highly unfortunate, because her chest was massive and sagged completely down to her waistline like two deflated leather sacks.
"Hot milk tea," the old woman croaked, her voice like grinding stones. "Freshly brewed..."
My stomach rumbled loudly. "You know what? I have ten stones. I'm getting us some tea."
"I wouldn't do that, Junior Associate," Lo Yu warned, not looking up from a pair of frosty-blue boyshorts. "Rumor has it she used to be a Nascent Soul Grandmaster who succumbed to a heart demon three hundred years ago. Now her mind is broken. She wanders the red-light district selling tea."
"So? As long as she boils the water, I don't care about her mental state."
Lo Yu slowly raised an eyebrow. "She doesn't buy cow's milk, He Lu. And she has no farm. Look at her chest. Where do you think she synthesizes her inventory?"
My blood ran cold. I stared at the old woman's waist-length, leathery assets. My appetite instantly evaporated, replaced by profound, soul-deep nausea.
As she hobbled past our door, her milky, cataract-filled eyes locked onto mine. She leaned in close, the smell of sour milk and ancient Qi radiating off her. Her lips parted, and she whispered a phrase that sent a chill down my spine.
"Sir... this is a Wendy's."
She giggled a broken, wheezing laugh, and hobbled away down the street, muttering, "Skibidi... skibidi rizz..."
I stood there, completely paralyzed. Did she just speak earthly memes? Was she a reincarnator too? Had the cultivation world broken her mind so thoroughly that only the internet brain-rot remained?!
Before I could process my existential dread, the remaining shards of our wooden door frame were suddenly, violently kicked inward.
The goat jumped. I dropped my hammer. Lo Yu didn't even flinch.
Standing in the threshold, framed by the morning light and smelling like angry jasmine and expensive mistakes, was the most beautiful woman I had seen in my two lifetimes.
She wore the vibrant crimson robes of the Scorching Sun Sect, but "robes" was a generous term. The silk was slashed at the sides, revealing legs that went all the way up to the Heavenly Dao itself. The neckline was a plunging V that defied the laws of physics, and her sleeves were completely absent, showing off her smooth, tanned shoulders.
And there, right at the crease of her underarms, were two distinct, beautiful, glorious sweat stains.
My breath hitched. My modern, degenerate brain short-circuited.
She stepped into the cramped, cabbage-scented office, her eyes blazing with fury. "Are you the Litigation Masters?! The ones Madam Hua said would take cases that the high-and-mighty Sect courts refuse to touch?!"
This was it. My moment. The protagonist finally meets the jade beauty.
I immediately kicked my hammer out of sight, ran a hand through my greasy, unwashed hair to slick it back, and leaned casually against the glory hole wall. I hit her with my best, most devastating Earth-realm rizz.
"Well, well, well," I purred, lowering my voice an octave. "Are you a demonic illusion technique, Fairy? Because you're the only ten I see in this room. Tell me, did it hurt when you fell from the Upper Realms? Because I can—"
"Shut up, you unwashed peasant," she snapped, not even looking at me. She marched right past my leaned figure, her premium human musk washing over me in a tidal wave that made my knees weak, and slammed her hands down on Lo Yu's wine-barrel desk.
I stood there, utterly destroyed, my rizz deflected like a low-level fireball against a Divine Shield.
"I am Fairy Che-Ting," she declared, her chest heaving with righteous anger. "And I want a divorce. I want to sue my husband for everything he owns, I want his spirit-yacht, I want his inner-court pavilion, and I want him publicly humiliated in front of the entire Sect!"
Lo Yu carefully placed the frosty-blue panties into a drawer and folded his hands on the barrel. He looked up at her, his expression utterly professional. "A divorce is a serious matter, Fairy Che-Ting. What are the grounds? Infidelity? Demonic corruption? Financial ruin?"
"Worse," Che-Ting spat, her beautiful face twisting in disgust. "He practices the Swift-Wind Lightning Thrust Dao."
I blinked, pushing myself off the wall. "The what?"
Che-Ting whirled on me, pointing a manicured finger in my direction. "Three breaths! Three breaths, you filthy mortal! My husband is an Inner Sect Elder! He consumes heavenly ginseng, he bathes in the blood of Yang-attribute beasts, and yet, when it comes time for our marital dual cultivation... Three! Breaths!"
"Oh," I said, wincing in sympathetic male solidarity. "That's... efficient?"
"It is a tragedy!" she shrieked, throwing her hands in the air. "One breath to enter, one breath to thrust, and on the third breath, he arches his back, screams 'SWIFT-WIND DRAGON ASCENDING THE HEAVENS!' at the top of his lungs, and immediately passes out!"
I bit my lip so hard it bled to stop myself from laughing.
"The shout is so infused with Yang Qi it rattles the pavilion windows!" Che-Ting cried, tears of sheer humiliation forming in her eyes. "The entire Inner Court knows exactly when my marital duties begin and end! By the time I have undone my sash, he is already circulating his post-nut Qi! I am left there, completely un-nourished, while he snores like a satisfied Iron-Hide Boar! He claims it is the pinnacle of the Lightning Dao. I claim it is grounds for immediate contract termination!"
I rubbed my chin, trying to salvage my dignity and act like a real lawyer. "Well, Fairy Che-Ting, this is a tricky legal precedent. In my hometown, we call this the 'Premature Tribulation.' It's embarrassing, sure, but is it legally actionable?"
"Of course it is legally actionable!" she yelled, slamming her hands on the barrel again. "A dual cultivation marriage contract explicitly requires the equal exchange of Yin and Yang! He is stealing my Yin and leaving me spiritually frustrated! But the Sect Magistrates are all old men! They just laugh and tell me to be grateful for his 'swift efficiency'!"
She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. I opened my mouth to offer her a comforting shoulder to cry on—and perhaps casually suggest that my stamina was unbound by the Lightning Dao.
But before I could speak, Lo Yu stood up.
He didn't offer a shoulder. He didn't offer a tissue. Instead, he leaned across the wine barrel, closed his eyes, and took a long, slow, terrifyingly deep sniff of the air directly around her chest.
"Boss, what the—" I started, horrified.
"Quiet," Lo Yu commanded, opening his eyes. His gaze was piercing, filled with the profound gravity of a Grandmaster. He looked Che-Ting dead in the eyes.
"Your grievance is etched not just in your aura, Fairy Che-Ting... but in the very terroir of your premium musk," Lo Yu said, his voice dropping into a raspy, hypnotic whisper. "A woman deprived of Yin-Yang balance sweats differently. The bouquet of your underarms... it carries the sharp, acidic notes of unfulfilled potential. The heavy, tragic scent of a flower denied the morning rain."
Che-Ting froze. The fury in her eyes vanished, replaced by a wide-eyed, stunned expression.
"You..." she breathed out, her cheeks suddenly flushing a deep, vibrant pink. "You can tell all that... just from my scent?"
"I am a Litigation Master of the Trimmed Dao," Lo Yu said solemnly, gesturing to her sleeveless robes. "I see the glorious, untamed thicket of your frustration. To leave such a magnificent Qi-gathering array parched and unsatisfied is not merely a breach of contract, Fairy. It is a crime against the Heavens themselves."
I stood in the corner, my jaw practically unhinged, watching a three-hundred-year-old, missing-toothed, cabbage-scented goblin actively rizz up a Jade Beauty using the philosophical breakdown of her armpit sweat.
Che-Ting's breathing grew shallow. She leaned closer to Lo Yu across the barrel. "The other lawyers... they called me petty. They said I was being unreasonable."
"They are uncultured swine who do not understand the delicate ecosystem of the Jade Valley," Lo Yu whispered, not breaking eye contact. "I will take your case, Fairy Che-Ting. We will drag your husband before the City Magistrate. We will expose his Three-Breath Tribulation to the world. And we will take his spirit-yacht."
"Yes," she whispered, her eyes shining with pure, vindicated adoration. "Oh, Senior Lo, thank you. Thank you!"
"However," Lo Yu interrupted, holding up a single, crooked finger. "The Lo & He Law Firm is highly exclusive. Our retainer for a Class-One Marital Dispute is fifty mid-grade spirit stones."
Che-Ting's face fell. "My husband froze my jade-token accounts when I threatened to leave. I... I have no stones on me. But I can pay you after we win the settlement!"
"The Lo & He firm does not work on contingency, Fairy," Lo Yu said coldly, turning away.
"Wait!" she pleaded.
Lo Yu stopped. He slowly turned back around, his eyes dropping to her legs.
"I am a reasonable man," Lo Yu said, his voice smooth as silk. "As a Litigation Master, I must immerse myself entirely in the evidence of my client's suffering. If you cannot provide stones... I will accept the heavily soiled, Yin-infused silk stockings currently suffocating your divine calves as an initial retainer."
I slapped my hand over my face. He had gone too far. She was going to draw a sword and execute us both on the spot.
Fairy Che-Ting didn't draw a sword. Instead, she blushed an even deeper shade of red, a small, grateful smile playing on her lips.
"Senior Lo," she murmured softly. "You are truly a master of your craft. Turn around. Give a lady a moment of privacy."
I immediately spun around to face the wall. But as soon as I heard the rustle of silk behind me, my degenerate instincts took over. I slowly tried to angle my head to catch a glimpse of her bare legs in the reflection of a polished boar tusk sitting on the barrel.
Suddenly, a furry head blocked my view.
It was the goat. It stared directly into my eyes, completely cross-eyed, projecting an aura of intense, judgmental moral superiority.
I tried to lean left. The goat stepped left. I tried to lean right. The goat stepped right, letting out a low, disapproving baaaa. It was actively policing my degeneracy while allowing Lo Yu to openly extort a woman for her used hosiery. The hypocrisy was staggering.
Ten seconds later, a pair of warm, incredibly fragrant crimson silk stockings hit the top of the wine barrel with a soft thwack.
"We have a deal, Senior," Che-Ting said, her bare legs shining in the morning light. "I will return tomorrow with his financial records."
She gave Lo Yu a deep, respectful bow, completely ignored me, and strutted out of the shattered doorframe.
I stood in the silence of the office, glaring at the goat. I looked at the stockings on the desk. Then, I looked at Lo Yu, who was currently burying his entire face into the crimson silk like a man dying of thirst at an oasis.
"Boss," I whispered, my worldview fundamentally shattered. "Teach me."
Lo Yu didn't look up from the stockings. "Grab your coat, Junior Associate. We have a husband to spy on."