He Lu hit the dirt street with a wet thud, his face intimately acquainting itself with a fresh pile of horse manure.
He groaned, peeling himself off the ground, only to find the tip of a broadsword resting gently against his nose. The blade was still radiating enough heat to singe his eyebrows.
He slowly traced the sword up to its owner. She was stunning, draped in flowing golden robes, but her face was twisted into a mask of pure, murderous rage. This was Madame Wang, and she looked like a woman who was ready to commit a war crime over missing undergarments.
He Lu did the only logical thing. He shoved the Noodle Lady's blue thong directly into his mouth and chewed it into a little ball in his cheek. The gusset on hitting saliva immediately started to give him a taste of what the Noodle Lady's other broth tasted like.
"Greetings, Fairy Wang!" He Lu said, his voice muffled. He spat a piece of blue lint onto the dirt. "I am but a humble building inspector! I was just evaluating the structural integrity of this establishment's windows. They failed."
Madame Wang's eyes narrowed, the flames on her sword flaring higher, threatening to crisp his nose hairs. "A building inspector who falls out of a known pervert's window? You reek of cheap silk and deceit. Who are you, and what is in your mouth?!"
"Medicinal herbs!" He Lu lied smoothly, chewing the thong a bit to sell it. "For a severe... jaw alignment issue. Very tragic. Now, Fairy Wang, I understand you have a grievance with the proprietor of this establishment?"
"A grievance?!" Madame Wang shrieked, pressing the flat of the hot blade against his cheek. "That decrepit old rat stole my Grade-Two Spirit Silkworm bloomers right off my drying line! They possess a natural Qi-gathering array! Do you know how expensive those are?!"
He Lu's eyes lit up. Grade-Two Spirit Silkworm? Natural Qi-gathering? The market value on those bad boys in the right underground circles had to be insane. No wonder Lo Yu was hoarding them.
"Fairy Wang, please, let us be civilized!" He Lu raised his hands defensively, doing rapid mental math. "I am Lo Yu's newly appointed legal counsel. I specialize in tort law and... soiled artifact reclamation. As your attorney, I advise you not to commit murder in broad daylight. Instead, let's talk settlement."
"Settlement?" She glared at him, utterly bewildered by his audacity.
"Exactly! Emotional damages, loss of property, and the severe distress of having your, ah, 'grool' separated from your person," He Lu said, giving her his best professional nod, though it was somewhat ruined by the blue silk string now hanging out the corner of his mouth. "I can offer you a formal apology from my client and a settlement of ten low-grade spirit stones."
Madame Wang's face went completely red, oscillating between extreme embarrassment and explosive fury. "Ten spirit stones?! My bloomers are worth fifty! And did you just say the word grool to me?!"
"I can do twelve stones and a coupon for the Noodle Lady down the street," He Lu countered, completely ignoring her murderous aura. "But honestly, Fairy, keeping a fifty-stone undergarment on an outdoor clothesline is basically an attractive nuisance. Legally speaking, you share some of the liability here."
"I am going to roast your soul and feed your ashes to my spirit-hounds!" Madame Wang roared, raising her flaming broadsword high above her head.
"Objection!" He Lu squeaked.
Inside the office, there was a loud CRASH as a pill furnace exploded, sending a cloud of foul-smelling, blinding black smoke billowing out of the shattered window, engulfing both He Lu and Madame Wang.
"Motion to dismiss!" Lo Yu's panicked voice shrieked from within the smoke. A hand grabbed the back of He Lu's collar and violently yanked him inside. "She's at the peak of Qi Condensation, you idiot! We're skipping town!"