Three days after the Inner Court Tournament, my body still felt like it had been chewed up and spit out by a dump truck.
My Cowper's Meridian was completely empty, back to being a useless biological janitor. I walked with a stiff limp, my lower back screaming every time I bent over.
But my pockets were heavy.
We had fifty mid-grade spirit stones from the Jade Water Sect, safely hidden in a hollowed-out cabbage under Lo Yu's wine barrel. We were officially a high-end firm. We had even upgraded our office security: instead of a solid wooden door that kept getting shattered, I had installed a beaded curtain. If you can't break it, it doesn't cost money to replace.
"Boss," I groaned, leaning against the glory-hole wall and massaging my hamstrings. "We have capital. We have prestige. Can we please hire a receptionist? Someone to screen the clients before they destroy our furniture?"
Lo Yu was currently using a small jade file to meticulously clean the dried ink off Fairy Copi-Rite's writing gloves.
"A receptionist is a liability, Junior Associate," Lo Yu rasped without looking up. "They ask for salaries. They demand basic sanitary working conditions. And they occasionally testify against you in tax court. We rely on the beads."
Right on cue, the beaded curtain violently parted.
Two cultivators stormed into the cramped office, screaming at the top of their lungs.
One was a man wearing the spiked, heavy iron-hide armor of the Beast Taming Sect. He had a scarred face, a massive greatsword strapped to his back, and an eyepatch.
The other was a woman draped in elegant, flowing green silks. She had sharp, predatory features, long fingernails painted black, and a whip coiled at her hip.
"You are suffocating his spiritual growth!" the man roared, veins popping in his neck.
"He is a growing boy!" the woman shrieked back, cracking her whip against our floorboards. "He needs a mother's touch, not your barbaric training camps!"
I pushed myself off the wall, sliding behind the wine barrel. "Welcome to the Lo & He Law Firm. Are we negotiating a divorce, a murder, or a property dispute?"
"Custody!" they yelled in unison.
"Ah," Lo Yu smiled his missing-tooth smile, tucking the gloves away. "The most lucrative of all civil disputes. Please, sit. Tell us about the child."
"He is not just a child," the scarred man grunted, crossing his massive arms. "He is a purebred, Class-Four Abyssal Hellhound. And she is trying to steal him from me!"
A low, guttural growl echoed from the alleyway outside.
The beaded curtain parted again.
A monster stepped into our office. It was the size of a small horse. It had pitch-black fur that seemed to absorb the light, razor-sharp obsidian claws, and a tail made of actual, burning fire.
And it had three heads.
All three heads had glowing red eyes and rows of jagged, yellow teeth. Thick, greenish saliva dripped from the three muzzles, hitting our wooden floorboards and instantly sizzling, burning a hole straight through the pine.
The middle head let out a bark that sounded like the screams of the damned.
I slowly reached for my wooden practice sword. I was about to yell for the goat to initiate tactical defense protocols, when the woman in green silk rushed forward and fell to her knees.
"Oh, who's a good boy?!" the woman cooed, her voice pitching up two octaves into baby-talk. "Who's Mommy's little slaughter-demon? Yes you are! Yes you are!"
She aggressively rubbed the terrifying middle head. The hellhound didn't bite her hand off. It actually leaned into the touch, its burning tail wagging so hard it set a loose piece of paper on fire.
"Don't baby him, Yin-Fang!" the man snapped. "You're making him soft! Look at his coat! He needs raw, screaming mortal souls mixed into his kibble, and you keep feeding him organic tofu!"
"Tofu is good for his digestion, Yang-Claw!" Yin-Fang snapped back. "Ever since you took him to that demonic raiding party, Mr. Wiggles has had terrible acid reflux! Look at the floor!"
She pointed at the sizzling holes in our pine floorboards.
I stared at them. They had named a three-headed, acid-spitting monster from the Abyss Mr. Wiggles.
"Let me establish the facts," Lo Yu said smoothly, completely ignoring the fact that our office was currently catching fire. "You are separating. And you cannot agree on the division of marital assets?"
"She can have the spirit-mine!" Yang-Claw yelled, slamming his fist on the barrel. "She can have the flying chariot! I just want full custody of Mr. Wiggles! He's my hunting companion!"
"He gets anxiety when you yell!" Yin-Fang shrieked, covering the hellhound's outer two sets of ears. "Senior Lo, I demand full custody. My husband's pavilion is a toxic environment. He doesn't even put a sweater on Mr. Wiggles when it snows!"
I rubbed my temples. This was the cultivation world. Gods walked the earth, people lived for thousands of years, and I was currently listening to a custody battle over a monster wearing an imaginary sweater.
"This is a delicate legal maneuver," I chimed in, leaning over the barrel. "In custody disputes, the Magistrate doesn't care about spirit stones. The court cares about the 'Best Interest of the Beast.' We have to prove which one of you provides a more stable, emotionally nurturing environment for a creature that actively eats human bones."
"I bought him a chew toy made from the femur of a Core Formation elder!" Yin-Fang argued proudly.
"I let him sleep at the foot of my bed!" Yang-Claw countered.
While they bickered, a shadow moved in the corner of the office.
The goat had woken up.
It slowly trotted out from behind the burlap sack of evidence. It took one look at the three-headed, horse-sized hellhound occupying its territory.
The goat didn't bleat. It didn't scream. It just marched directly up to Mr. Wiggles, completely unbothered by the glowing red eyes or the acid drool.
The hellhound stopped wagging its fiery tail. All three heads lowered, locking onto the goat. The monster bared its jagged yellow teeth, letting out a deep, chest-rattling growl that promised violent death.
The goat stopped one foot away.
It tilted its head. Its rectangular pupils went completely cross-eyed.
Then, the goat opened its mouth, leaned forward, and aggressively licked the hellhound's middle nose with its rough, sandpaper tongue.
Mr. Wiggles froze.
The terrifying, bone-crushing monster of the Abyss blinked all six of its glowing red eyes. The growling completely stopped.
The left head let out a high-pitched, pathetic little whimper. The right head sneezed.
The goat turned in a tight circle and casually laid down right on top of Mr. Wiggles' massive, clawed paws, using the hellhound's leg as a pillow.
Mr. Wiggles didn't move a muscle. He just looked down at the goat, looked at his owners, and let out a soft, confused sigh.
Yang-Claw and Yin-Fang stared in absolute shock.
"By the Heavenly Dao," Yang-Claw whispered. "Mr. Wiggles hates other animals. He usually melts them into a puddle on sight."
"He... he submitted," Yin-Fang gasped. She looked at Lo Yu with newfound, fanatical reverence. "Senior Lo. Your security beast is a master of the Alpha Aura."
Lo Yu just smiled, taking a slow sip from his teacup.
"The Lo & He Law Firm is peerless in all matters of the Dao," Lo Yu stated casually. "We will take your case. We will represent Elder Yang-Claw in the pursuit of full custody."
"Wait, what?!" Yin-Fang shrieked. "Why him?!"
"Because I am the Senior Partner," Lo Yu said coldly. "However, my Junior Associate here..." Lo Yu gestured to me with his teacup. "...is perfectly capable of representing Fairy Yin-Fang as opposing counsel."
I whipped my head around. "Wait. Boss. What are you doing?"
"The firm takes a thirty-percent contingency fee from the victor," Lo Yu rasped, his eyes gleaming with unregulated greed. "If we represent the husband and the wife in separate litigation... we are guaranteed to win. It is the ultimate legal loophole."
Yin-Fang looked at me. Yang-Claw looked at Lo Yu.
"I will pay you fifty mid-grade stones for the retainer!" Yang-Claw declared.
"I will pay him sixty to crush you!" Yin-Fang yelled, pointing a manicured nail at me.
"Excellent," Lo Yu grinned, pulling out two blank contracts. "Sign here. My associate and I will conduct independent home inspections this afternoon to gather character evidence. May the best lawyer win."
Two hours later, I was standing inside Yin-Fang's elegant, silk-draped pavilion. It smelled like lotus incense and expensive perfume.
"Make yourself at home, Litigation Master He," Yin-Fang smiled, pouring me a cup of tea. "I need to go prepare Mr. Wiggles' organic tofu mash. Feel free to inspect the premises to see what a nurturing environment I provide."
"Take your time, Fairy," I said, putting on my best professional face.
The second she walked into the kitchen, I pulled out my legal pad and sprinted straight for her bedroom.
I wasn't looking for dog toys. I was looking for the Dao.
Ever since the arena, my Dantian had been craving a recharge. The Cowper's Meridian was a hungry beast. I slipped into her massive, luxurious bedroom and made a beeline for the intricately carved mahogany dresser.
I yanked the bottom drawer open. Jackpot.
It was a treasure trove of premium, high-tier Yin garments. Lace, silk, and spiritual fabrics I couldn't even name.
I looked over my shoulder. The coast was clear. I reached into the drawer, grabbed a handful of sheer green silk undergarments, and buried my face in them, taking a massive, desperate inhale.
Nothing. It just smelled like lavender soap. She actually washed her clothes.
"Damn it," I muttered, aggressively tossing the clean silk aside and digging deeper. "Where is the battle-sweat? Where is the localized friction? You're a beast-tamer, for heaven's sake! Give me some musk!"
"Litigation Master?"
I froze. Yin-Fang was standing in the doorway, holding a bowl of mashed tofu. She was staring at me, her eyes wide as she watched me elbow-deep in her underwear drawer with a pair of her panties draped over my wrist.
My brain scrambled for a legal defense.
"Fairy Yin-Fang!" I said loudly, standing up straight and tapping the silk with my charcoal pencil. "I am conducting a highly specialized structural integrity test! The... the sheer density of your Yin-garments could present a choking hazard for Mr. Wiggles! I need to ensure the aerodynamics of your lace don't disrupt his middle head's breathing patterns!"
Yin-Fang blinked. Slowly, a deeply impressed smile spread across her face.
"You are so thorough," she breathed. "My husband's lawyer would never think to check the lace aerodynamics."
"I leave no stone unturned," I lied smoothly, sweating bullets as I shoved the panties back into the drawer.
Meanwhile, across town, Lo Yu was conducting his own "inspection" of Yang-Claw's bachelor pad.
It was a damp, rugged cave carved into the side of a mountain. The walls were lined with heavy weapons, chains, and the massive, chewed-up skulls of demonic beasts. It smelled strongly of blood, sweat, and pure, suffocating Yang energy.
Lo Yu stood in the center of the cave, looking absolutely miserable. He was holding his bamboo pipe to his nose just to filter out the aggressive masculinity of the room.
"As you can see, Senior Lo," Yang-Claw grunted proudly, gesturing to a massive pile of bloody bones in the corner. "Mr. Wiggles has plenty of mental stimulation here. A true warrior's den."
Lo Yu didn't look at the bones. He looked at Yang-Claw with deep, visceral disgust.
"Elder Yang-Claw," Lo Yu rasped, his voice trembling with withdrawal. "A growing hellhound needs balance. The ambient Yang in here is choking. Tell me... did your wife leave any belongings behind when she moved out?"
"Yin-Fang? No," Yang-Claw scoffed. "She took all her fancy silks. Why?"
Lo Yu's shoulders slumped. "Nothing? Not a single hamper? A discarded training tunic? Did she run marathons? Did she leave any heavy, unwashed wool socks near the forge?"
"She hated the forge," Yang-Claw frowned, clearly confused. "Are unwashed socks legally admissible in a custody hearing?"
"They are the foundation of the law," Lo Yu hissed desperately. He dropped to his hands and knees, scrambling under Yang-Claw's heavy stone bed.
"Senior Lo, what are you doing?"
"Gathering critical evidence!" Lo Yu yelled from under the bed. A moment later, he crawled back out, his eyes wide and triumphant. He was holding a single, slightly dusty green silk hair ribbon.
He didn't hesitate. Lo Yu held the ribbon to his face and inhaled so hard his remaining teeth rattled.
He shivered, his eyes rolling back in his head as the faint, residual scent of a woman's scalp hit his degenerate meridians.
"Yes," Lo Yu whispered, carefully placing the ribbon into a small, airtight leather pouch. "This proves she was a neglectful mother. We have a watertight case, Elder. I will see you in court."
Yang-Claw just stared at him, completely terrified of his own lawyer.
Miles away, in the deepest, muddiest valley of the Raging River Sect, rain was pouring from the sky in sheets.
It was classic, tragic weather for a broken man.
Senior Brother Bai stood in front of a rotting, dilapidated wooden hut. He was no longer wearing his pristine, flowing silver silks. He wore the coarse, itchy burlap sack of an Outer Court manure-shoveler.
He pushed the wooden door open. The hinges screamed. Inside, there was a single straw mat, a leaking roof, and a bucket.
Bai dropped his small cloth bindle onto the wet straw.
He reached into his robes and slowly pulled out his ancestral scabbard. It was empty. The top half was covered in deep, cross-eyed teeth marks.
Bai stared at the ruined scabbard. His hand trembled. He clenched his fist so hard that a single drop of dramatic, Shounen-protagonist blood fell from his palm and hit the floorboards.
"I was a Core Disciple," Bai whispered to the empty room. "I was going to reach the Golden Core. I was going to rule this Sect."
He fell to his knees, clutching the scabbard to his chest as the rain hammered against the leaky roof. He had lost everything. His rank, his weapon, his dignity. The entire cultivation world thought he engaged in dark, forbidden acts with livestock.
Why did he lose?
Was it because He Lu was stronger? No. He Lu was a trickster. A mortal hiding behind paper.
Bai closed his eyes. The words of Grandmaster Bah-Fuka echoed in his mind, cutting through the thunder.
The warm, muscular contractions polish the blade! The gastric juices temper the steel! I let my prize ewe swallow my sword every single morning, and my cultivation has never been stronger!
Bai's eyes snapped open. A fire ignited in his soul. A terrible, unstoppable resolve.
He hadn't lost to a lawyer. He had lost to a man who understood the profound depths of the Beast Dao. The Velvet Hoof Sect knew the truth. They held the key to true power.
"They laughed at me," Bai muttered, standing up. The aura of a broken man vanished, replaced by the burning intensity of an underdog ready to climb back to the top. "They stripped my rank. They called me a goat-lover."
He strapped the empty, chewed-up scabbard to his back.
"Fine," Bai declared to the storm. "I will become exactly what they fear. I will master the Beast. I will polish my blade in the darkest, warmest depths of the Dao."
He didn't unpack his bindle. He turned around, stepped out of the miserable hut, and marched into the pouring rain.
He was heading East. He was going to the Velvet Hoof Sect. And he was going to become the greatest disciple they had ever seen.