The penthouse suite of the Soaring Dragon Hotel was perfectly silent, save for the sound of the goat chewing on a piece of the Omni-Dao Cease and Desist letter.
Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan stood in the center of the room. The ambient temperature had dropped so low that my breath was visible in the air.
"I will say this once," Ho Li-Fan whispered, her voice a terrifying, sub-zero hiss. "If either of you so much as look at my foundational garments, I will freeze the water in your eyeballs and shatter them with a hammer."
I pressed myself flat against the velvet chaise lounge, holding a sofa cushion like a shield.
"Fairy Ho, please!" I yelled, my lawyer instincts fighting through the sheer terror. "We aren't being perverts! We are building a legal defense! To establish Prior Art against Omni-Dao Holdings, we need undeniable, physical proof that the Jade Water Sect's martial arts naturally retain atmospheric moisture! We need the gusset!"
"The gusset is the cornerstone of the defense," Lo Yu agreed solemnly, carefully sliding a pair of silver evidence tongs out of his robes. "A standard training tunic will not suffice. The Capital Magistrates are corrupt. They need to see the sheer, undeniable density of localized Yin-sweat to legally classify it as a proprietary moisture-retention device."
"Find another disciple," Ho Li-Fan ground out, her face flushed with a mixture of profound embarrassment and murderous rage. "Find a Junior Sister. I am the Head of Law Enforcement!"
"Exactly!" I pointed at her triumphantly. "You are the pinnacle of the Sect! Your Qi is the purest! If we bring a Junior Sister's sweat to court, Omni-Dao's corporate lawyers will tear it apart! They'll say it's just regular perspiration! But your sweat? Officer, your sweat is basically weaponized holy water! It's the only thing that will hold up in cross-examination!"
Ho Li-Fan squeezed her eyes shut. A thick, furious wisp of steam curled from the collar of her icy-blue dress.
She knew I was right. The Sect was facing total bankruptcy. Omni-Dao was going to repossess their floating islands and charge them a micro-transaction every time they inhaled. She was a warrior. She had sworn an oath to protect the Jade Water Sect at all costs.
Even if that cost was her dignity.
"Fine," Ho Li-Fan choked out, the word sounding like broken glass. "What... what exactly is the legal procedure?"
"We don't need you to hand it to us," I said quickly, adopting my most professional, clinical tone to soothe her panic. "That would violate the chain of custody. We are going to conduct a closed-door deposition. A... an Evidentiary Workout."
Lo Yu nodded, catching on immediately. "Yes. An independent, third-party audit of your biomechanics. You will enter the spirit-jade bathroom. You will perform your most rigorous, high-intensity sword katas for exactly one hour. You will seal the resulting... evidence... in a jade lockbox, and we will present it to the Magistrate as Exhibit A."
Ho Li-Fan glared at us, her chest heaving. "If I find a scrying crystal. If I find a peephole. If I even suspect you are listening at the door..."
"We wouldn't dare!" I swore, raising my right hand. "The Lo & He Law Firm respects HIPAA! The Heavens' Insurance Portability and Accountability Act!"
She didn't ask what that meant. She just turned on her heel and marched toward the massive, marble-lined bathroom, slamming the heavy oak doors behind her. A moment later, I heard the click of a heavy deadbolt, followed by the hum of three separate ice-wards being activated.
I let out a massive breath, collapsing onto the chaise lounge.
"Boss," I wiped the cold sweat from my forehead. "We are going to die. When this is over, she is going to murder us."
"A Litigation Master does not fear death, He Lu," Lo Yu grinned, pulling out his bamboo pipe. "He only fears a dismissed case. Now, we must ensure the ambient environment is optimal for maximum moisture extraction."
Lo Yu casually strolled over to the wall outside the bathroom. Embedded in the plaster was a glowing, red-and-blue rune array that controlled the climate of the penthouse.
He didn't touch it. He just looked down.
The goat was sitting next to the wall.
"Head of Security," Lo Yu rasped softly. "The cooling arrays in this hotel are far too efficient. It would be a shame if someone were to... aggressively consume the blue runes."
The goat looked at Lo Yu. Its rectangular pupils went slightly cross-eyed.
It stood up, opened its mouth, and bit directly into the plaster. It chewed happily, swallowing the blue ice-runes with a soft crunch.
Instantly, the red fire-runes on the wall flared to life, glowing with unchecked, blinding intensity.
The temperature in the penthouse skyrocketed. The air conditioning was dead. The massive spirit-jade bathtub inside the locked room was now being blasted with the equivalent of a volcanic geyser.
"Boss!" I hissed, feeling the sweat immediately bead on my own neck. "You turned the bathroom into a blast furnace! She's going to roast alive!"
"We need volume, Junior Associate," Lo Yu said calmly, sitting back down and pouring a cup of tea. "The Capital Court requires undeniable proof of moisture retention. The Ice Beauty must melt."
Inside the bathroom, a sudden, muffled shout of surprise echoed through the oak doors.
We heard the sharp shwing of a sword being drawn. Then, the rhythmic, high-speed whoosh of an elite cultivator performing high-intensity martial arts in a 130-degree room.
I sat on the edge of my seat, my heart hammering against my ribs.
Ten minutes passed. The air in the penthouse grew thick and humid.
Twenty minutes. The muffled sounds of the sword katas grew faster, more aggressive. I could hear Ho Li-Fan letting out sharp, breathless grunts of exertion.
Thirty minutes. A thin layer of actual condensation began to form on the outside of the heavy oak doors.
My Cowper's Meridian, currently completely empty and useless, gave a faint, phantom twitch. The sheer, overwhelming density of the premium human musk radiating through the wood was staggering.
"The stink is building," Lo Yu whispered reverently, his eyes closed as he sniffed the humid air. "Notes of glacial meltwater, desperate cardio, and the profound, furious indignation of a cornered law enforcement officer. It is a masterpiece."
At exactly the one-hour mark, the sword strikes stopped.
There was a long, heavy silence. Then, the sound of fabric rustling.
The three ice-wards deactivated with a hiss. The heavy deadbolt clicked open.
I scrambled to my feet, holding a glowing, airtight jade evidence bag open like a trick-or-treater waiting for candy.
The oak door creaked open just a crack.
A thick, blinding cloud of white steam billowed out into the penthouse. The scent hit me like a physical blow—crisp peppermint, lotus flower, and the heavy, intoxicating, undeniably feral musk of a high-tier cultivator pushed to her absolute physical limits.
Through the crack in the door, a hand emerged.
It was trembling slightly. It held a pair of icy-blue, silk foundational garments.
They were not just damp. They were completely, transparently soaked. They were heavy with the weight of the Dao.
"Take it," Ho Li-Fan's voice rasped from the steam. She sounded entirely out of breath, her usual icy composure completely melted away into raw, feral exhaustion. "And if you ever... ever... speak of this to anyone outside of a courtroom..."
"Attorney-client privilege, Fairy!" I squeaked, holding the bag out.
She didn't hand it to me. She aggressively threw the soaked silk directly at my face.
SMACK.
The heavy, moisture-retaining gusset hit me square in the nose.
The impact was catastrophic. The sheer, concentrated Yin-essence blasted into my lungs.
My vision went white. The hollow void in my Dantian ignited like a supernova. The unwashed, furious caulk of the Ice Beauty slammed into my leaky meridian, sealing it with the strength of a glacier.
My Adamantine Pillar deployed with such violent, hydraulic force that I actually lifted three inches off the floor.
I stumbled backward, peeling the silk off my face, glowing with a blinding, neon-pink aura of pure, weaponized arousal.
"I have the evidence!" I yelled, my voice dropping three octaves as my blood pressure concentrated entirely in my pelvis. I dropped the silk into the evidence bag and sealed it tight.
The oak door slammed shut. The deadbolt locked again.
Lo Yu stood up, leaning on his walking stick, a single tear of pride rolling down his cheek.
"Excellent work, Junior Associate," Lo Yu rasped. "You have secured the Holy Grail. Now, tuck your robes in. We have a Capital Magistrate to extort."
Meanwhile, hundreds of miles away in Heavenly Peak City, the Lo & He Law Firm was officially closed for business.
The beaded curtain swayed gently in the evening breeze. Inside the cabbage-scented office, Mr. Wiggles—the horse-sized, three-headed Abyssal Hellhound—was sound asleep on the floorboards.
His fiery tail flickered lazily, providing a warm, ambient glow to the empty room.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
The sound came from the alleyway outside. Specifically, from the third glory hole on the wooden wall.
Mr. Wiggles' left head cracked an eye open. It let out a low, curious rumble.
"Hey," a muffled, husky voice whispered from the alleyway. "Is the blind guy in? I've got coupons from the Spring Breeze Pavilion. Let's get this moving."
Mr. Wiggles slowly stood up, his massive claws clicking against the pine floorboards. He padded over to the wall. All three heads sniffed the perimeter.
Suddenly, a massive, aggressively veiny, glowing pink "Yang-Root" was thrust through the hole. It wiggled around in the empty air of the office.
"Come on!" the voice hissed impatiently. "I brought my own spiritual supplements! Just take it!"
Mr. Wiggles tilted his middle head. He wasn't sure what this glowing pink sausage was, but his mother, Yin-Fang, had strictly trained him not to accept treats from strangers.
The right head leaned forward, opened its jaws, and let out a massive, terrifyingly hot sneeze directly into the glory hole.
A jet of concentrated, Abyssal hellfire blasted through the opening.
"YEOOOWCH!" the man in the alleyway shrieked. It was a scream of pure, unprecedented agony. There was the sound of a man violently tumbling backward into a pile of garbage, followed by frantic, sprinting footsteps fading into the distance.
"MY YANG-ROOT! IT BURNS! DEMONIC SYPHILIS!" the voice wailed into the night.
Mr. Wiggles sat back on his haunches. All three heads let out a satisfied, synchronized pant. He turned around, curled back up on the floorboards, and went to sleep.
The firm's security was flawless.
Even further away, in the muddy, rain-soaked pastures of the Velvet Hoof Beast-Taming Sect, Senior Brother Bai was currently achieving martial enlightenment.
He was standing perfectly still in the mud, balancing a wooden bucket of raw oats on his head. He had been standing there for six hours.
Sitting directly in front of him, chewing lazily on a discarded leather boot, was his scruffy, one-eared brown goat.
Bai's eyes were locked onto the goat's jaw movements. His Shounen-protagonist brain was desperately analyzing the creature.
Look at the lateral rotation of its mandible, Bai thought, sweat pouring down his face as his calves screamed in agony. It grinds the tough leather not with brute force, but with a persistent, unyielding rhythm. It is breaking down the enemy's defenses through pure stamina.
The goat stopped chewing the boot. It turned its head, lifted its hind leg, and aggressively scratched its own ear.
Bai gasped.
A feint! Bai's mind raced. It distracts the opponent by exposing a weak flank, only to strike from a secondary angle! The Dao of the Ruminant is profound!
Bai slowly lowered his arms, dropping out of his stance. He grabbed a handful of raw, dry oats from the bucket. He shoved them into his mouth and began to chew with a massive, exaggerated overbite, trying to perfectly mimic the goat's jaw rotation.
It tasted like dirt and despair, but Bai's eyes burned with determination.
"I understand now, Master," Bai mumbled around a mouthful of dry grain, bowing deeply to the farm animal. "I must chew the leather of my past to digest the steel of my future. I will master the Velvet Hoof."
The goat burped, spit out a piece of a shoelace, and laid down in the mud.
Bai resumed his stance, chewing his oats with a ferocious overbite. The Raging River Sect's fallen prodigy was officially gone. The ultimate weapon of the Beast Dao was being forged in the mud.