The Jade Water Sect's designated "safehouse" in the Royal Capital was a massive, sprawling penthouse suite on the top floor of the Soaring Dragon Hotel. It had vaulted ceilings painted with gold leaf and a bathtub carved from a single, massive piece of warm spirit-jade.
I walked into the suite, dropped my travel bag of stolen thongs by the door, and let out a low whistle of pure appreciation. The goat, which had survived the sensory overload of the red-light district by chewing on a discarded neon flyer, trotted in behind me and immediately began investigating a gold-leafed decorative pillar.
Sitting on a velvet chaise lounge in the center of the room, smoking his bamboo pipe and looking like a deeply out-of-place gremlin, was Lo Yu. He looked suspiciously well-rested.
"Ah, Junior Associate," Lo Yu rasped, blowing a smoke ring toward the crystal chandelier. "You survived the tourist trap. I assume you didn't purchase any Ping-Pong Pills?"
I blinked, utterly stunned. "Boss? We took a two-week carriage ride. How the hell are you already here?"
"A Litigation Master does not sit in traffic, He Lu," Lo Yu grinned, leaning back into the cushions. "I stopped at the Whispering Peach Inn yesterday evening. A lovely woman in red silk was weeping over her stolen flame-retardant bloomers. We helped each other out."
I eyed a bright pink lipstick smudge on his collar.
"You didn't," I whispered, my voice hollow.
"I offered my premium legal services to track down the 'Panty Phantom,'" Lo Yu chuckled. "After a very thorough, hands-on consultation in her suite, she graciously offered me a lift to the Capital on her high-speed flying carpet. Now, how does this room service work? I am ordering the thousand-year spirit-lobster."
I slammed my hand onto the glowing communication rune on the wall. "Hello? Yes, this is the Lo & He. We need four lobsters, a bucket of melted spirit-butter, and your most expensive wine."
The air in the penthouse instantly plummeted to absolute zero.
A layer of frost blasted across the communication crystal, freezing the rune solid. I slowly turned around.
Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan was standing on the balcony. She stepped into the room, her icy blue eyes boring a hole straight through my skull. The sheer, unadulterated humiliation of the Capital gates—where she had claimed a bag of nasty, tiger-striped bloomers and crotchless chaps as her own—was still radiating from her in waves of angry steam.
"Cancel the lobster," Ho Li-Fan said, her voice sharp enough to cut diamond. "This is a covert operation, He Lu. Not a vacation."
She glided across the room, ignoring Lo Yu's disappointed sigh, and tossed a massive, glowing stack of legal scrolls onto the glass coffee table. They landed with a heavy, depressing thud.
"The Jade Water Sect is under siege," Ho Li-Fan announced, her tone strictly professional, though the exhaustion in her eyes was evident. "And it is not by swords or spells. It is by paperwork."
Lo Yu leaned forward, his professional interest instantly piqued. "A siege by paperwork? Be still my beating heart. Who is the plaintiff?"
"A shell corporation based here in the Capital called Omni-Dao Holdings," Ho Li-Fan ground her teeth. "Three weeks ago, their corporate litigators successfully bribed a Capital Magistrate into approving a highly unregulated, impossibly broad patent."
I rubbed my chin. "A patent on what? A pill recipe? A sword forging technique?"
"Breathing," Ho Li-Fan whispered, a look of profound, existential despair crossing her flawless face.
I stared at her. "I'm sorry, what?"
"They patented the ambient gathering of water-attribute Qi," Ho Li-Fan explained, pulling the top scroll from the pile. "They claimed they invented a proprietary 'moisture-absorption technique.' Now, because the Jade Water Sect's foundational cultivation method relies on drawing moisture from the air... Omni-Dao Holdings claims we are infringing on their intellectual property."
Lo Yu's jaw dropped. The bamboo pipe actually slipped from his lips and clattered onto the floor. "They... they copyrighted the air?"
"Every time an Outer Court disciple breathes in to cultivate," Ho Li-Fan said, her voice shaking with rage, "a representative from Omni-Dao sends us a Cease and Desist letter and a bill for royalties. They are charging us a micro-transaction for every cycle of Qi! Our disciples are suffocating! The Sect is going bankrupt paying the licensing fees just to keep our meridians from collapsing! "
I let out a breathless, awestruck laugh. "That is the most evil, purely capitalistic, ruthlessly brilliant scam I have ever heard in my entire life. They are patent trolls! They're taxing the atmosphere!"
"It is not brilliant, it is extortion!" Ho Li-Fan snapped. "If we do not pay the accumulated royalties by the end of the week, the Capital Courts will authorize Omni-Dao Holdings to repossess our floating islands. We need you to invalidate the patent."
Lo Yu picked up his pipe, a terrifying, predatory grin spreading across his face.
"Fairy Ho," Lo Yu rasped, gently resting a hand on the stack of injunctions. "You have come to the right firm. We do not just practice law. We weaponize it."
I pulled out my charcoal pencil and a fresh legal pad. "Boss, how do we pierce the corporate veil? If we challenge the patent directly, they'll just tie us up in litigation for decades while the Jade Water Sect suffocates."
"We don't challenge the patent, Junior Associate," Lo Yu said, his eyes gleaming with the dark, unregulated malice of a three-hundred-year-old goblin. "We exploit it. We establish Prior Art."
Ho Li-Fan blinked. "Prior Art?"
"If we can prove that the technique existed and was actively used by a third party before Omni-Dao Holdings filed their patent, the patent becomes completely invalid," I explained, catching onto Lo Yu's wavelength. "But who was aggressively gathering water-attribute Qi before the Sect?"
"Think, He Lu!" Lo Yu whacked my shin with his walking stick. "What gathers moisture? What absorbs liquid with unapologetic, massive capacity?!"
My mind raced. I looked at the goat, which was currently trying to eat a velvet pillow. I looked at my travel bag by the door.
My eyes went wide. "The sweat-glands of a high-tier female cultivator."
"Exactly!" Lo Yu roared in triumph. "The Omni-Dao patent claims they invented the absorption of ambient moisture! But we have physical, highly-fermented proof that high-level Jade Beauties have been absorbing and retaining massive quantities of atmospheric moisture in their unmentionables for centuries!"
Ho Li-Fan took a slow step backward. The color drained completely from her face.
"No," she whispered in absolute horror. "You cannot be suggesting what I think you are suggesting."
"Fairy Ho!" I declared, slamming my fist onto the glass table. "We are going to subpoena the sweaty bloomers! We are going to march into the Capital Court, slam a pair of soaked, heavily soiled training panties onto the judge's desk, and legally classify a woman's gusset as the original, patented moisture-retention device!"
"It is an airtight defense," Lo Yu agreed solemnly. "But to prove Prior Art against a massive corporation... we will need a truly monumental, undeniable artifact of moisture absorption. A standard training thong will not suffice. We need a Holy Grail."
Both Lo Yu and I slowly turned our heads. We locked eyes with Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan.
The Ice Beauty's entire body went rigid. The ambient temperature in the penthouse dropped so fast the windows cracked.
"I will murder you both," Ho Li-Fan breathed, a thick cloud of steam erupting from her collar. "I will shatter your meridians, freeze your blood, and throw your bodies into the Abyssal Sea."
"It's for the Sect, Officer!" I pleaded, backing away behind the chaise lounge. "We need your most heavily soiled, post-workout, unwashed foundational garments! Your sweat is the only thing that can save the Jade Water Sect from bankruptcy!"
CHOMP.
The goat, sensing the tension, trotted over and aggressively bit a chunk out of the Omni-Dao Cease and Desist letter on the table.
We had our case. The Lo & He Law Firm was officially going to war with a megacorporation, and the primary piece of evidence was currently wearing an icy-blue dress and plotting our assassinations.