The sun dipped below the horizon, casting long, purple shadows across the mountain path.
The spirit-beast carriage finally rolled to a halt in front of a quaint, multi-story wooden building nestled in a valley of blooming cherry blossoms. A warm, inviting glow spilled from its paper lanterns. A wooden sign above the door read: The Whispering Peach Inn.
"We will stop here for the night," Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan announced.
She stood up and smoothed her midnight-blue silk dress. The frosty, unapproachable aura she usually maintained at the Sect had completely melted away. In the soft light of the carriage crystals, she looked relaxed. Vulnerable, even.
My Earth-realm survival instincts immediately sounded the alarms.
We are off the grid, my brain screamed. No witnesses. No jurisdiction. She brought you to a Black Site.
I grabbed the goat by its leash, clutching my cheap wooden sword like a lifeline. I practically tumbled out of the carriage, my eyes darting left and right, scanning the cherry blossom trees for hidden Sect snipers.
Ho Li-Fan glided gracefully out behind me. She walked up to the smiling, elderly innkeeper waiting on the porch.
"Welcome, travelers," the innkeeper bowed deeply. "How may the Whispering Peach serve you?"
"We require lodging," Ho Li-Fan murmured, her voice soft. A delicate pink flush dusted her cheeks as she pulled a high-grade spirit stone from her ring and placed it on the counter. "The... premium suite, please. The one at the end of the hall."
The innkeeper looked at the massive, glowing stone. He looked at Ho Li-Fan. Then, he looked at me, standing in the dirt, clutching a goat and looking like a panicked hostage.
A knowing, grandfatherly smile spread across the innkeeper's face.
"Ah, of course, Fairy. The Honeymoon Pavilion. It has our finest sound-dampening arrays, a heated spring-water bath, and maximum privacy. You won't be disturbed by a single soul."
My blood ran cold.
Sound-dampening arrays? Maximum privacy?
"It's a sensory deprivation chamber!" I blurted out, pointing a trembling finger at the innkeeper. "You're colluding with Sect Law Enforcement! I know my rights! You can't interrogate me without my boss present!"
The innkeeper blinked, thoroughly confused.
Ho Li-Fan's flush deepened from a delicate pink to a furious, vibrant crimson.
"He is... eccentric," she ground out through clenched teeth, grabbing me by the collar of my tunic and practically dragging me up the wooden stairs. "We will take the key now. Thank you."
The Honeymoon Pavilion was located at the very end of a long, isolated hallway.
Ho Li-Fan pushed the sliding paper doors open. The room was obnoxiously romantic. The air smelled of jasmine incense and expensive massage oils. Soft, glowing pink crystals provided dim, moody lighting.
And sitting dead center in the room was a massive, incredibly plush, circular bed.
There was only one.
Ho Li-Fan stepped inside, letting out a soft sigh as she took in the romantic atmosphere. She turned to me, her icy blue eyes softening, her lips parting slightly.
"Well, He Lu," she whispered, her voice husky. "It seems there is only one bed. Whatever shall we do?"
"I am securing the perimeter!" I yelled, dropping the goat's leash and diving onto the floor.
Ho Li-Fan jumped back, startled. "What are you doing?!"
"Sweeping for scrying jades!" I shouted from under the circular bed, aggressively patting the floorboards. "This place is a textbook honeypot! Scented candles to lower my inhibitions? Dim lighting to dilate my pupils for the flash-crystals? You think you can honey-trap me into a recorded confession about my tax discrepancies?!"
I scrambled out from under the bed, completely covered in dust bunnies. I sprinted to the heated spring-water bath in the corner, plunging my hands into the water to check for hidden underwater microphones.
"Clear!" I yelled to the goat, which had immediately jumped onto the circular bed and begun chewing on a silk, heart-shaped pillow.
Ho Li-Fan stood frozen in the center of the room. The romantic tension she had spent three days meticulously curating had been brutally murdered in less than forty seconds.
"He Lu," she said. Her voice was no longer husky. It was dropping rapidly back to sub-zero temperatures. "You think I brought you to a soundproofed, private, romantic suite with one bed... to audit you?"
"I'm not falling for the 'One Bed' interrogation tactic!" I crossed my arms defensively, stepping away from the bath. "It's classic psychological warfare! You force the suspect into close proximity, deny them adequate sleeping arrangements, and wait for them to crack! Well, guess what, Officer? I am a fortress!"
I marched over to the circular bed. I grabbed three massive, silk pillows, ripped the heavy duvet off the mattress, and dragged them into the far corner of the room, right next to the sliding door.
I aggressively piled them up, creating a small, sad little defensive barricade. I sat down behind it, cross-legged, clutching my wooden practice sword across my knees.
"I am establishing a sovereign zone," I declared loudly. "This corner is the Lo & He Embassy! You have no jurisdiction past the duvet!"
Ho Li-Fan stared at me. She looked at the incredibly plush, empty romantic bed. She looked at the goat, which was currently burping up pink silk feathers. Then, she looked at me, cowering behind a pillow fort in the corner of the room, guarding my virginity with the intensity of a doomsday prepper.
A thick, violent cloud of steam erupted from the collar of her midnight-blue dress.
Her hands balled into fists so tight her knuckles turned white. The ambient temperature in the room plummeted so fast the heated spring-water bath instantly froze solid with a loud CRACK.
"You are," Ho Li-Fan whispered, her voice shaking with an unholy mixture of absolute rage and profound, soul-crushing humiliation, "the single most exhausting creature the Heavens have ever produced."
"I am a master of maritime law!" I yelled back from behind my pillow.
Without another word, Ho Li-Fan stomped over to the frozen bathtub, picked up the jade wine bottle she had brought from the carriage, uncorked it with her teeth, and chugged a massive, deeply depressed swig of Thousand-Year Peach Blossom Wine.
She slammed the bottle down, climbed onto the massive circular bed, pulled a spare blanket over her head, and turned her back to me.
I let out a massive sigh of relief, leaning my head back against the wall.
Nailed it, I thought to myself. I just outsmarted the Feds.
Later that night, the Honeymoon Pavilion was dead silent, save for the soft, rhythmic breathing of the Ice Beauty on the circular bed.
I was fast asleep behind my pillow fort, drooling slightly onto my legal pad.
In the center of the room, the goat's eyes snapped open. Its rectangular pupils glowed faintly in the dark.
It slowly stood up.
The perimeter is secure, the goat thought to itself, adjusting its posture to achieve maximum tactical stealth. But the Junior Brother's cultivation base is perilously low. His Dantian requires the heavy, fermented caulk of the Heavens to survive the impending tournament.
The goat looked down at my sleeping form. It let out a soft, pitying sigh through its nose.
He lacks the survival instincts to procure his own medicinal resources. I must undertake a covert supply run. For the good of the Firm.
The goat bit the handle of the sliding paper door, silently sliding it open just enough to squeeze through. It padded out into the hallway, its hooves making absolutely zero sound against the floorboards.
The Whispering Peach Inn was full of traveling cultivators. The air was thick with diverse, unwashed auras.
The goat approached the first door on the left. It nudged it open.
A female cultivator of the Blazing Sun Sect was snoring loudly. Draped over a wooden chair near her bed was a pair of heavy, flame-retardant bloomers. The gusset was thick with the dried, crusty residue of intense fire-attribute cardio.
The goat's eyes narrowed analytically.
A Class-Two Yin-gathering artifact. Excellent viscosity. High grool-retention.
The goat expertly snatched the bloomers in its teeth, chewed them softly to fold them for transport, and trotted back to the hallway.
For the next hour, the goat executed a flawless, black-ops infiltration of the entire second floor. It bypassed three sleeping beast-tamers, evaded a tripwire array, and successfully raided the communal laundry basket near the hot springs.
When it finally returned to the Honeymoon Pavilion, it approached my travel bag. It unzipped the leather pouch with its teeth and began stuffing the tactical payload inside.
Tiger-striped barbarian loincloths. Neon-pink lace thongs saturated in alchemy residue. Heavy, unwashed crotchless riding chaps.
The goat packed them all tightly, ensuring the aromatic integrity of the medicinal supply was preserved.
The Junior Brother will be pleased, the goat nodded to itself, letting out a small, dignified burp. His leaky bucket shall be sealed with the finest grime this inn has to offer.
It curled back up on the rug, closed its eyes, and went peacefully to sleep, secure in the knowledge that it was the best security guardian in the mortal realm.
The next morning, breakfast in the inn's dining hall was an exercise in agonizing, suffocating silence.
I sat across from Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan. She was back in her crisp, icy-blue Law Enforcement robes. Her hair was pinned up flawlessly. She was currently aggressively stabbing a piece of steamed tofu with her chopsticks, refusing to make eye contact with me.
Every time I reached for the teapot, the ambient temperature dropped by five degrees.
The elderly innkeeper walked by, pouring more hot water into my cup. He looked at the frost forming on the table, then looked at me with deep, profound pity. He clearly thought I had suffered a catastrophic failure of masculine stamina the night before.
"So," I cleared my throat, desperate to break the ice. "Are we anticipating heavy traffic at the Capital gates?"
Ho Li-Fan didn't look up. She just squeezed her chopsticks until they literally splintered in her grip.
"We will arrive by noon," she said, her voice completely devoid of emotion. "You will not speak to me for the remainder of the journey. If you attempt to cite maritime law, I will freeze your vocal cords."
Before I could agree to those terms, a massive commotion erupted in the lobby.
"Innkeeper!" a shrill, furious voice echoed through the dining hall.
We both turned our heads. Standing by the front desk were four female cultivators from various sects. They looked absolutely murderous.
"This establishment is a den of thieves!" a woman in red silk screamed, slamming her fist on the counter. "I woke up this morning, and my flame-retardant bloomers were gone! They were stolen right off my chair!"
"My training thong is missing!" another woman yelled. "The one with the premium alchemy residue! It costs fifty spirit stones to replace!"
"My crotchless riding chaps were taken from the hot springs!" a third woman roared, brandishing a whip. "Who is the degenerate pervert terrorizing this inn?!"
I took a slow sip of my tea, trying to hide a smirk.
"Wow," I whispered to Ho Li-Fan, shaking my head. "The crime rate in this district is out of control. It's a good thing I secured our perimeter last night. If I hadn't built that pillow fort, we could have been victims of the Panty Phantom."
Ho Li-Fan just stared at me. Her icy blue eyes slowly drifted down to my travel bag resting by my feet.
"He Lu," she said, a deep, unsettling suspicion creeping into her voice. "The goat is chewing on a piece of pink lace."
I looked down. The goat was sitting next to my bag, happily munching on a neon-pink string that was currently hanging out of the zipper.
I quickly kicked the string back into the bag. "It's just... a chew toy! I bought it at the pet store. Completely legal."
The screaming women in the lobby began demanding a full search of every guest's luggage.
"We should go," I said, standing up so fast my chair fell over. "We have a strict deadline, Officer. The Capital awaits."
Miles away, the moon hung high over the muddy pastures of the Velvet Hoof Beast-Taming Sect.
While the rest of the disciples slept, Senior Brother Bai was currently engaging in a brutal, Shounen-style training montage.
He was standing waist-deep in a freezing, muddy pond. He held two massive, iron buckets filled to the brim with raw goat's milk, his arms extended perfectly parallel to the water. His muscles screamed. His veins bulged. Sweat poured down his face, mixing with the muddy water.
I must endure, Bai chanted internally, his eyes burning with gritty, underdog determination. To master the Dao of Animal Husbandry, I must become one with the milk. I must understand the weight of the flock.
Sitting on the muddy bank, completely unbothered by the freezing temperatures, was his cross-eyed, one-eared brown goat partner.
The goat was currently eating Bai's spare pair of dry socks.
Bai stared intensely at the goat. The goat stopped chewing the wool and stared back, its rectangular pupils slightly misaligned.
Look at the intensity of its gaze, Bai marveled, his arms trembling under the weight of the iron buckets. It devours my earthly possessions to sever my ties to the mortal realm. It tests my resolve. It challenges me to hold the buckets longer.
The goat swallowed the left sock, let out a loud, gassy burp, and laid down in the mud to go to sleep.
"I will not fail you, Master!" Bai screamed into the night sky, tears of tragic determination rolling down his cheeks. "I will hold these buckets until the Golden Core is mine!"
He stood there in the freezing mud, holding two buckets of milk, actively crying at a sleeping farm animal.
The Raging River Sect's greatest prodigy was officially gone. The ultimate Goat-Lover had been born.