Infiltrating a high-tier spirit beast farm at midnight is significantly less glamorous than sneaking onto a brothel roof.
For one, the brothel roof didn't smell like two tons of digested spiritual cabbage. And secondly, the Spring Breeze Pavilion didn't have knee-high piles of 'fertilizer' waiting in the dark to ruin my borrowed black silk boots.
"Step lightly, Junior Associate," Lo Yu's raspy voice echoed from the cheap transmission talisman I had stuffed in my ear. "Elder Mak-Don is asleep in the main house. The handsome beast is in the premium stall at the end of the main barn. Secure the evidence of sabotage and do not agitate the sows. They are currently very emotionally vulnerable."
"I know, Boss, I'm moving," I whispered back, crouching behind a wooden pillar. "But I still think this is a trap. What if Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan tipped off the local agricultural inspector? What if I get busted for trespassing on a farm without a cultivator's union card? The Feds are everywhere."
"If you mention the Feds one more time, I am going to remotely detonate that earpiece," Lo Yu sighed. "Just get to the Alpaca."
I crept down the center aisle of the massive, dimly lit barn. The regular spirit-cows and iron-hide pigs were asleep in their pens, though several of the sows were clutching half-eaten bouquets of wildflowers in their hooves, occasionally letting out soft, romantic sighs in their sleep.
It was deeply unsettling.
At the very end of the barn, I found the VIP stall. I peered over the wooden gate, holding my breath.
The stall was nicer than my actual apartment back on Earth. The hay was perfectly fluffed, there was a velvet trough filled with premium oats, and a small, glowing jade chandelier hung from the rafters, casting a soft, flattering light on the occupant.
The Golden Alpaca was asleep, standing up. Even unconscious, its posture was immaculate. Its golden fleece shimmered, naturally parted down the middle to frame a jawline so sharp it could cut spiritual glass.
I looked down at the goat standing next to my leg. It was chewing on a piece of dirty straw, staring at the Alpaca with a cross-eyed glare of pure, unadulterated hatred.
"Alright," I whispered, pulling the Shadow-Catching Jade from my pocket. "Let's see if this Chad-paca has any—"
Creak.
The heavy wooden doors at the far end of the barn slowly pushed open. A sliver of moonlight spilled across the floorboards.
Panic seized me. The IRS! They found me!
I didn't have time to run. I grabbed the goat by its collar, hoisted it over the wooden gate, and dove headfirst into the Alpaca's VIP stall, burying us both completely beneath a massive pile of premium, fluffy hay.
I held my breath, peeking through the dry grass.
It wasn't Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan. It was a short, incredibly greasy man wearing a heavy cloak. He practically slithered down the aisle, his eyes darting back and forth to make sure he wasn't being watched.
He stopped right in front of the VIP stall.
"Wake up, my beautiful investment," the greasy man whispered, his voice a nasally whine.
The Golden Alpaca opened its eyes. It didn't look startled. It let out a soft, sultry Hmmmm~ and trotted over to the gate, resting its chiseled chin on the wood.
"Good boy," the man snickered, reaching into his cloak. "Let's check the array, shall we?"
He reached out and parted the thick golden fleece around the Alpaca's neck. Hidden completely from view, clamped tightly around the beast's throat, was a heavy, glowing purple collar. It pulsed with a dense, intoxicating Yang energy that made the air in the stall feel suddenly humid and heavy.
"Perfect," the greasy man grinned, pulling out a small jade tuning fork. "The localized Incubus Array is functioning at peak efficiency. Another week of this, and Mak-Don's entire breeding cycle will be utterly ruined! His sows won't mate with anything else, his cows will stop producing milk out of sheer heartbreak, and he'll be forced to sell the E-I-E-I-Dao to me for absolute pennies!"
I mentally pumped my fist. Yes! Corporate espionage! Real estate fraud! I subtly angled the Shadow-Catching Jade through the hay, ensuring the blinking red light captured the glowing purple collar and the man's full confession.
"Zon-Ama, you are a genius," the auctioneer congratulated himself, gently tapping the tuning fork against the collar to increase its output.
The purple glow intensified. The Alpaca tossed its golden hair, striking a pose so majestic that two sleeping pigs in the next stall over immediately woke up and fainted again.
I had everything I needed. Now, I just had to wait for him to leave.
Until the goat decided it had seen enough.
I felt a sudden, violent shifting in the hay beside me.
"No," I breathed.
The goat burst out of the hay pile like a furry, cross-eyed torpedo. It bypassed the Alpaca's majestic jawline and clamped its teeth directly onto the glowing purple Incubus collar.
"BLEEEAAARRRGGGHHH!"
"What in the Heavens?!" Zon-Ama screamed, stumbling backward.
The Alpaca panicked. It reared up on its hind legs, trying to shake the goat loose. But our goat was fueled by spite. It held on with the grip of a demonic snapping turtle.
CRACK.
The goat's teeth shattered the jade housing of the Incubus Array.
A shockwave of condensed, weaponized Yang-energy blasted outward, blowing the roof off the VIP stall and sending a shower of hay raining down across the entire barn.
The Alpaca, suddenly stripped of its magical charisma aura, collapsed onto the floor, looking suddenly very ordinary. Its golden fleece deflated. Its chiseled jawline somehow looked rounder. It was no longer a barnyard Chad; it was just a regular, deeply traumatized alpaca.
"My array! My investment!" Zon-Ama shrieked, looking wildly around the stall. His eyes locked onto me as I slowly sat up from the hay. "Who are you?! Are you a spy for Mak-Don?!"
I stood up, brushing the hay off my black silk robes.
"A spy?" I sneered, pointing the Shadow-Catching Jade directly at him. "I am a Litigation Master! And I have you on camera committing Class-Three Agricultural Defamation!"
Zon-Ama's face drained of color. He looked at the glowing red light on the jade, then at the deflated Alpaca.
"You'll never take me alive, lawyer!" Zon-Ama yelled. He spun on his heel and sprinted down the barn aisle, disappearing into the night.
I didn't bother chasing him. We had his face. We had his confession. We had the broken array.
"Boss," I said, tapping my earpiece as the goat spit out a piece of purple jade. "The investigation was a complete success. The Alpaca was wearing an Incubus Array."
"Excellent," Lo Yu's voice crackled back. "Gather the beast and meet me at the main farmhouse. We must wake Elder Mak-Don and secure his Amazonian wife's sweaty riding boots before we leave. The Oopsie-Daisy precedent requires thorough documentation."
I looked at the snoring Alpaca, grabbed it by its halter, and marched out of the barn.
Five minutes later, I was standing in the mudroom of the main farmhouse. Elder Mak-Don was wearing a nightgown that could double as a ship's sail, holding a glowing lantern. Beside him stood his wife, Fairy Sno-Snu.
She was easily six-foot-four, built like a marble statue of a war goddess, and radiating an aura that could crush rocks.
"An Incubus Array?!" Mak-Don gasped, staring at the broken purple jade in my hands. He looked at the Alpaca, which was currently chewing blankly on a piece of drywall. "I knew it! I knew no beast was naturally that handsome!"
"The auctioneer Zon-Ama was trying to bankrupt the E-I-E-I-Dao," I declared proudly. "But the Lo & He Law Firm has secured the evidence. We will see him in court tomorrow."
"Oh, thank the Heavens!" Mak-Don wept, hugging his massive wife.
Fairy Sno-Snu, however, was glaring at the deflated Alpaca with profound disappointment. "It's a shame. He had such a wonderful baritone hum. But a fraud is a fraud."
"Indeed," I said, clearing my throat and trying not to make eye contact with the Amazonian warrior. "Which brings us to the matter of our retainer. My senior partner requires... the boots."
Fairy Sno-Snu's eyes narrowed dangerously. "My premium leather riding boots? The ones perfectly molded to my calves? The ones I've spent three years breaking in with my own blood, sweat, and Qi?"
"It is for Earth-realm forensics," I lied smoothly, mentally apologizing to the Heavenly Dao.
"Give them to him, my love!" Mak-Don pleaded. "They saved the farm!"
Sno-Snu let out an angry, frustrated growl that rattled the teacups in the kitchen. She stomped over to a wooden bench, aggressively yanked off her heavy, knee-high leather boots, and threw them at my chest. They hit me like twin cannonballs. The sheer, overwhelming scent of Amazonian foot-sweat and broken-in leather practically knocked me unconscious. Lo Yu was going to lose his mind.
"There," Sno-Snu spat. "Take your 'forensics' and get out."
She stomped out of the mudroom to wash her feet. Mak-Don hurried after her to apologize.
I was left alone in the mudroom. I looked down at the boots. My degenerate brain began to turn.
If I bring Boss the boots, he'll be happy, I thought. But if I bring him the boots AND a pair of her panties, I'll be Employee of the Month. I might actually get a promotion.
I glanced around. Sitting right next to the washing basin was a large wicker laundry basket.
I quickly set the boots down and tiptoed over. I peered inside. I dug past a pair of Mak-Don's massive overalls. I dug past some rough linen shirts. I dug all the way to the bottom.
Nothing. Just leather straps, chainmail polishing cloths, and more linen.
"What are you doing in my laundry?"
I froze. I slowly turned around. Fairy Sno-Snu was standing in the doorway, her arms crossed, her biceps flexing intimidatingly.
"Uh," I stammered, my hands still buried in the dirty laundry. "I was just... conducting a secondary forensic sweep! To ensure the Incubus aura hasn't corrupted your Yin-gathering undergarments! Standard legal procedure!"
Fairy Sno-Snu blinked. She looked at me like I was a complete idiot. Then, she threw her head back and let out a booming, hearty laugh.
"Undergarments?" she snorted, shaking her head. "I am a warrior of the Iron-Hide Sect, little lawyer! We cultivate the Dao of the Unhindered Breeze!"
I stared at her. My brain bluescreened. "The... the unhindered what?"
"Underwear restricts the flow of Qi to the lower Dantian!" Sno-Snu proudly declared, slapping her massive thigh. "It ruins aerodynamic hip rotation during a hammer swing! I haven't worn a pair of panties in a hundred years! Commando is the only way to achieve true martial enlightenment!"
I stood there, my hands empty, my worldview fundamentally shattered. A six-foot-four Amazonian warrior walked around her farm all day, every day, completely untethered.
I slowly pulled my hands out of the basket. I picked up the sweaty boots.
"I have learned so much today," I whispered reverently.
I gave her a deep, respectful bow, grabbed the goat, and walked out into the moonlight, my mind absolutely racing with the philosophical implications of the Dao of the Unhindered Breeze.