The Lo & He Law Firm smelled like a battlefield.
Specifically, it smelled like a battlefield where a six-foot-four Amazonian warrior had sprinted through a swamp, fought a pack of Iron-Hide Boars, and then immediately taken off her shoes in an unventilated room.
I was sitting in the corner, pressing a scented handkerchief over my nose and mouth.
Behind the wine-barrel desk, Lo Yu was experiencing a spiritual awakening. He had Fairy Sno-Snu's heavy, sweat-soaked leather riding boots placed perfectly in the center of the desk. He was leaning over them, his eyes closed, inhaling with the slow, measured rhythm of a Grandmaster circulating Qi.
"Magnificent," Lo Yu rasped, a single tear of profound reverence leaking from his right eye. "The terroir is staggering. Notes of trampled mud, oxidized matriarchal sweat, and the heavy, intoxicating musk of absolute domestic dominance. It is a masterpiece of the physical realm."
"Boss, my eyes are literally watering," I wheezed through the handkerchief. "It smells like an onion died in a gym locker."
"You lack the refinement to appreciate the vintage, Junior Associate," Lo Yu sighed, gently stroking the worn leather. "Were you able to procure any secondary evidence from the laundry basket?"
I lowered the handkerchief, my expression turning distant and haunted. The memory of the previous night flashed before my eyes.
"No, Boss," I whispered, staring blankly at the wall. "Fairy Sno-Snu caught me. And then... she taught me a terrifying truth. She is an Iron-Hide warrior. They require perfect aerodynamic hip rotation for their hammer swings."
Lo Yu paused. He slowly opened his eyes. "Meaning?"
"Meaning she doesn't wear them. Ever," I said, my voice trembling with the weight of the revelation. "She cultivates the Dao of the Unhindered Breeze."
Lo Yu went completely still. He stared at me. I stared at him.
Slowly, incredibly slowly, Lo Yu removed his tattered hat and pressed it against his chest. He bowed his head toward the general direction of the E-I-E-I-Dao farm.
"We walk among gods, He Lu," Lo Yu whispered in absolute awe. "Gather the evidence. It is time we earned these boots."
The Grand Magistrate's Court was a familiar battleground. However, Magistrate Chen was looking worse than ever. His purple eyebags had descended so far down his cheeks they looked like war paint. He was sipping a steaming cup of spiritual coffee with shaking hands.
"Case number 404," Magistrate Chen droned, rubbing his temples. "Elder Mak-Don of the E-I-E-I-Dao versus the independent auctioneer Zon-Ama. Petition for... Agricultural Sabotage? Market Manipulation via... unnatural handsomeness?"
The Magistrate stopped reading the scroll and slowly looked up. "What in the Heavenly Dao is this?"
Across the aisle, the greasy auctioneer Zon-Ama was sweating profusely. He had hired a cheap, sweaty lawyer who looked like he hadn't slept in a week.
"Your Honor!" Zon-Ama's lawyer squeaked. "This case is an outrage! My client simply sold Elder Mak-Don a premium Golden Alpaca! Is it a crime for a beast to be naturally majestic? Is it a crime for a farm animal to have a chiseled jawline and a sultry baritone hum? We ask for an immediate dismissal!"
Elder Mak-Don, sitting next to me on our tiny bench, growled deep in his massive chest. "It was seducing my pigs, you greasy rat!"
"Objection!" I yelled, leaping to my feet and pointing dramatically at the defense. "Your Honor! The defense is blatantly violating the strict regulations of the F.D.A.!"
Magistrate Chen blinked. "The... the what?"
"The Federal Dao of Agriculture, Your Honor!" I declared, completely inventing a regulatory body on the spot. "A universally recognized legal framework from my homeland! The defense didn't just sell a handsome beast! He sold an unregistered, unlicensed biological weapon designed to monopolize the Yin of the entire pasture! He created an illegal agricultural monopoly!"
Zon-Ama's lawyer threw his hands up. "He's making up words again! 'Federal Dao'? 'Biological weapon'? It's an alpaca!"
"It was an alpaca," Lo Yu corrected smoothly, standing up and leaning on his desk. "Until my client discovered the truth. The beast was artificially enhanced to ruin the breeding cycle of the E-I-E-I-Dao, forcing Elder Mak-Don into bankruptcy so Zon-Ama could purchase his land for a fraction of its value."
Zon-Ama stood up, pointing a trembling finger at us. "Lies! Slander! Where is your proof, you missing-toothed goblin?!"
"Junior Associate," Lo Yu smiled. "Produce the evidence."
I grinned. I pulled the Shadow-Catching Jade from my robes, pumped a sliver of Qi into it, and tossed it into the center of the room.
The projection flared to life. The courtroom gasped as the giant, glowing illusion of Zon-Ama creeping into the barn appeared.
"The localized Incubus Array is functioning at peak efficiency," the illusionary Zon-Ama cackled, tapping his tuning fork against the Alpaca's glowing purple collar. "Another week of this, and Mak-Don's entire breeding cycle will be utterly ruined! I'll be the agricultural king of the Eastern District!"
The projection ended. The silence in the courtroom was deafening.
Zon-Ama was completely pale. His own lawyer slowly slid away from him on the bench, desperately trying to distance himself from his suddenly radioactive client.
"An Incubus Array," Magistrate Chen whispered, his voice trembling with sheer exhaustion. "You put a demonic sex-aura artifact... on a barnyard animal. Just to buy some cheap real estate."
"Your Honor, the projection could be a forgery!" Zon-Ama shrieked desperately. "Illusion magic! Where is the physical evidence?! Without the array itself, this is hearsay!"
It was a valid legal maneuver. He knew we had broken the array. He thought the physical evidence was destroyed.
I smirked. I looked down at the goat, which was currently chewing on the brass railing of the plaintiff's box.
"Head of Security," I commanded softly. "Exhibit A, please."
The goat stopped chewing on the brass. It turned its head, looked directly at Magistrate Chen with its terrifying, cross-eyed stare, and let out a deep, rumbling burp.
HURK.
The goat opened its mouth and violently hacked up a massive, saliva-covered chunk of glowing purple jade directly onto the polished floor of the courtroom. It landed with a wet, heavy splat.
The distinct, unmistakable aura of a broken Incubus Array washed over the room.
Magistrate Chen stared at the saliva-covered artifact. He stared at the goat. Then, he slowly lowered his face into his hands.
"I cannot do this anymore," the Magistrate groaned into his palms. "I went to the finest legal academies in the Capital. I memorized ten thousand volumes of the Heavenly Code. And I am sitting here watching a farm animal vomit an Incubus Collar onto my pristine jade floors."
"The prosecution rests its case, Your Honor," Lo Yu said politely, bowing deeply.
Bang! The gavel hit the sounding block with the force of a man who just wanted to go to sleep for a hundred years.
"The defendant, Zon-Ama, is found guilty of gross agricultural sabotage and Class-Three Defamation," Magistrate Chen decreed loudly. "He is hereby ordered to pay Elder Mak-Don two thousand mid-grade spirit stones in restitution, and his auctioneering license is permanently revoked. Court is adjourned. Someone mop the floor."
Elder Mak-Don let out a booming laugh of pure joy. He grabbed Lo Yu and me in a massive, bone-crushing bear hug.
"You saved the E-I-E-I-Dao!" Mak-Don wept, setting us down. "Senior Lo, Junior He... you are the finest Litigation Masters in the city! The boots are yours to keep!"
"A heavy burden, but the firm accepts it," Lo Yu rasped, casually pulling one of the massive, sweat-soaked leather boots out of his robes and hugging it to his chest in open court. Several nearby Sect lawyers visibly gagged.
We strutted out of the Magistrate's court like conquering heroes. We had completely destroyed a corrupt businessman, saved a farm, and proven that the Lo & He Law Firm was unstoppable.
But our victory lap was about to be cut short.
When we returned to our cabbage-scented, broken-doored office in the red-light district, we found our next client already waiting for us.
She was pacing back and forth in front of our wine-barrel desk, chewing furiously on the end of a glowing jade stylus. She was wearing a dress made entirely of red silk ribbons that left absolutely nothing to the imagination. She radiated an aura of intense, frantic, heavily-caffeinated creative energy.
I stepped into the office, my inner simp instantly activating.
"Welcome to the Lo & He Law Firm, Fairy," I purred, leaning against the doorframe and hitting her with my best rizz. "Are you a lost heavenly manuscript? Because I would love to read your fine print."
She stopped pacing. She looked me up and down, her eyes narrowing critically.
"Your core strength is pathetic, your hamstrings are tight, and your center of gravity is all wrong," she diagnosed instantly, her voice rapid-fire. "You'd snap your spine in two seconds if you even attempted the Coiled Dragon Ascends the Pillar technique. Move aside, peasant. I need to speak to the Master."
I stood there, my rizz deflected so hard I physically staggered.
She marched right past me and slammed a massive stack of heavily illustrated, extremely graphic jade scrolls onto Lo Yu's desk.
"Senior Lo!" the woman demanded, her chest heaving. "I am Fairy Copi-Rite! I am the best-selling author of the Fifty Shades of Qi instructional manuals! And I need to sue the Heavenly Lotus Publishing House! They stole my intellectual property!"
Lo Yu carefully placed the Amazonian boot on his desk, his eyes lighting up with the thrill of a new lawsuit.
"Intellectual property is a serious matter, Fairy Copi-Rite," Lo Yu purred, sitting down. "What exactly did they steal? A character? A plotline?"
"Worse!" Fairy Copi-Rite shrieked, slamming her fist on the scrolls. "They stole my signature, patented, gravity-defying bedroom maneuver! They stole the Reversed Lotus Helicopter!"
I slowly closed the ruined office door behind me.
We had just saved a farm from a handsome alpaca. Now, we were about to argue the copyright infringement of a sex position.
The Lo & He Law Firm was officially peaking.