I was rolling around on the floorboards of our cabbage-scented office, actively bathing in wealth.
Five hundred mid-grade spirit stones. They were piled in a glowing, humming mound right in the center of the room. It was more money than an outer-court disciple saw in a decade. We were the legal kings of Heavenly Peak City.
"Boss," I laughed, tossing a handful of glowing stones into the air and letting them rain down on my face. "Do you know what we can do with this? We can rent the VIP suite at the Spring Breeze Pavilion. We can buy Madam Hua's finest, sweatiest dropouts. We can order the Trimmed Dao, the Unwashed Dao, the whatever-we-want Dao!"
Lo Yu, currently using a jade file to sharpen his yellowing fingernails behind the wine-barrel desk, didn't even look up. "We are investing it in a marketing campaign, Junior Associate. And perhaps a velvet cushion for my stool."
"Marketing?! I haven't experienced the touch of a woman in two lifetimes!" I scrambled to my feet, grabbing a fistful of stones. "I am going next door right now! I am going to make it rain!"
I marched confidently toward our shattered doorframe. But as I stepped onto the threshold, my foot froze.
I looked out into the alleyway. A stray cat was sitting on a barrel, staring directly at me.
My paranoia instantly flared.
The cat is a spy, my brain whispered. Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan is watching. She knows I have 500 stones. If I walk into that brothel with this much unregistered capital, she's going to bust me for tax evasion and illegal prostitution. These stones are marked. It's a Fed trap.
I slowly backed away from the door, my eyes locked on the cat. "You know what, Boss? You're right. Frivolous spending is how they catch you. The IRS is definitely auditing the brothels this week. I'll just hold onto these."
I dumped the stones back onto the pile, my degenerate dreams crushed by my own crippling fear of cultivation law enforcement.
The massive shadow from the courtroom returned, blocking the sunlight.
The giant from the Iron-Hide Beast Taming Sect ducked his head to fit through the doorframe. Up close, he was even more terrifying. He was seven feet tall, built like a brick outhouse, and his biceps were thicker than my torso. He wore heavy leather armor, and a massive, spiked war-hammer was strapped to his back.
He looked like he crushed skulls for a living. But right now, his scarred face was twisted in profound, agricultural misery.
"Welcome to the Lo & He Law Firm," Lo Yu rasped smoothly, gesturing to the completely destroyed client stool. "Forgive the seating. Our last client had... aerodynamic issues. Please, stand and tell us your grievance. What is your name, friend?"
The giant sniffled, wiping a tear from his scarred cheek. "I am Elder Mak-Don. I run the largest spirit-beast breeding farm in the Eastern District. The E-I-E-I-Dao."
I blinked. I stared at him. Then I looked up at the ceiling, once again glaring directly at the lazy deity running this simulation.
"Mak-Don," I repeated, my eye twitching. "Old Mak-Don had a farm. The E-I-E-I-Dao. Are you absolutely kidding me right now?"
"It is a proud family lineage!" Mak-Don rumbled defensively, glaring at me. "My ancestors cultivated the Dao of the Plough!"
"Quiet, Junior Associate," Lo Yu scolded, though his eyes were gleaming with predatory greed. "Elder Mak-Don, in the courtroom, you mentioned a cursed spirit-beast? One that is defaming your agriculture?"
Mak-Don let out a long, tragic sigh that smelled faintly of hay and manure. "Yes. Two weeks ago, I attended an underground beast auction run by a shady merchant named Zon-Ama. He sold me what was supposed to be a standard, wool-producing Mountain Alpaca."
"A solid investment," Lo Yu nodded. "Alpaca wool is highly sought after for thermal robes."
"It wasn't a standard Alpaca," Mak-Don growled, his massive fists clenching. "Senior Lo, the beast is... it is impossibly handsome."
I paused, crossing my arms. "I'm sorry, did you say your alpaca is handsome?"
"It has the jawline of a Heavenly Emperor!" Mak-Don cried, throwing his hands in the air. "Its fleece naturally parts down the middle like a perfectly styled curtain! It walks on two legs when it thinks no one is looking! And the humming... by the Heavens, the humming!"
"It hums?" Lo Yu asked, leaning forward on his wine barrel.
"A deep, vibrating baritone!" Mak-Don shuddered. "Since I put it in the main pasture, my farm has collapsed! My prize-winning Iron-Hide Sows refuse to eat; they just stand by the fence and blush! My spirit-hens are laying heart-shaped eggs! Yesterday, I caught the Alpaca giving my finest milk-cow a freshly picked rose! Where did it even get a rose?!"
I bit my lip to stop from laughing. This giant, terrifying beast tamer was being actively cucked by a majestic farm animal.
"The beast is monopolizing the Yin of the entire pasture," Lo Yu diagnosed with absolute, deadpan seriousness. "It is disrupting the natural breeding cycle of the E-I-E-I-Dao. This is textbook agricultural sabotage. We will sue the auctioneer, Zon-Ama, for selling a defective, hyper-sexualized product without a warning label."
"Can you really do that?" Mak-Don asked, his eyes wide with hope. "The Sect Elders just laughed at me! They said I was jealous of the Alpaca's aura!"
"We specialize in cases the Sect is too arrogant to touch," Lo Yu smiled his missing-tooth smile. "We will take your case, Elder Mak-Don. However, our retainer for Class-Three Agricultural Defamation is quite specific."
Oh no. Here we go.
I braced myself, wondering what degenerate thing Lo Yu was going to demand from a literal farmer.
"I have stones!" Mak-Don offered quickly. "I can pay you fifty mid-grade stones right now!"
"The Lo & He Law Firm requires physical evidence of the emotional distress," Lo Yu purred smoothly. He leaned across the barrel, his eyes locked onto the giant. "Tell me, Elder Mak-Don... do you have a wife?"
Mak-Don blinked. "Uh, yes. Fairy Sno-Snu. She helps me run the farm. She is a six-foot-tall Amazonian warrior. Why?"
"Has the handsome Alpaca's humming... affected her?" Lo Yu asked, his voice dropping to a raspy whisper.
Mak-Don's face flushed a deep, embarrassed crimson. He looked away, violently kicking a piece of shattered wood across the room. "She... she has been spending a lot of time brushing its fleece. And she bought it a little bowtie."
"Devastating," Lo Yu said, his eyes glazing over with pure, unadulterated degeneracy. "A clear case of spousal alienation. To properly build our lawsuit against the auctioneer, I must study the psychic resonance of her corrupted loyalty. Bring me her heavy, sweat-soaked, leather riding boots. The ones she wears while brushing the beast. Unwashed, of course."
Mak-Don stared at Lo Yu. His hand slowly drifted toward the handle of his massive war-hammer.
"I'm sorry," the giant rumbled, his voice dropping an octave. "Did you just ask for my wife's sweaty boots?"
"It is a vital component of the Oopsie-Daisy precedent," I immediately chimed in, lying through my teeth to prevent my boss from being squashed like a bug. "We use the scent profile of the leather to track the pheromone output of the Alpaca! It's pure science, Elder! Earth-realm forensics!"
Mak-Don looked back and forth between us. He frowned, his grip loosening on the hammer. "Well... I suppose if it is Earth-realm forensics..."
"It is," Lo Yu nodded solemnly.
"Fine," Mak-Don sighed. "I will bring the boots tomorrow. But please, Senior. You must come to the farm and witness this menace for yourself. It is currently organizing a barnyard harem."
"We shall depart immediately," Lo Yu declared, standing up and grabbing a fresh jade scroll. "Junior Associate, grab the Shadow-Catching Jade. We are going undercover as farmhands."
An hour later, we were standing at the edge of a massive, rolling green pasture just outside the city walls. A wooden sign hung over the gate: THE E-I-E-I-DAO: Premium Spirit Beasts.
I was wearing a straw hat and holding a pitchfork. Lo Yu was dressed in his black silk robes, looking completely out of place.
And standing next to us, chewing on a piece of hay, was the head of firm security.
I had brought the goat because I figured it would blend in at a farm. That was my first mistake.
"Look," Elder Mak-Don whispered, pointing a massive, trembling finger toward the center of the pasture. "There it is. The homewrecker."
I squinted against the sunlight.
Standing in the middle of the field, surrounded by a circle of swooning, blushing spirit-pigs and sighing cows, was the Alpaca.
Mak-Don hadn't exaggerated. The beast was majestic. Its fleece was a brilliant, shimmering gold, parted perfectly down the middle to frame a face that could only be described as 'Chiseled.' It had long, fluttery eyelashes. It stood with perfect, aristocratic posture.
As we watched, the Alpaca slowly turned its head. It looked directly at a particularly plump milk-cow.
Hmmmm~ A deep, vibrating, incredibly sultry baritone hum drifted across the pasture.
The milk-cow literally fainted, its legs giving out as it collapsed happily into the grass.
"Do you see?!" Mak-Don hissed, tearing his hair out. "It's unnatural!"
"Fascinating," Lo Yu whispered, holding up the Shadow-Catching Jade. "The sheer density of its Yang-charisma is weaponized."
Suddenly, the goat stepped forward.
It walked right past us, pushing through the wooden gate, and trotted directly into the pasture. It didn't look impressed. It looked annoyed.
The goat marched straight through the circle of swooning pigs. It stopped three feet away from the handsome, golden Alpaca.
The Alpaca looked down at our goat. It flipped its golden fleece condescendingly and let out a smooth, sultry hum. Hmmmm~
Our goat stared back. Its rectangular pupils were completely cross-eyed.
Then, the goat opened its mouth and let out a sound that shattered the romantic atmosphere into a million pieces. It wasn't a baa. It was a violent, screeching, demonic goat-scream that sounded like a mortal man being boiled alive in oil.
"BLEEEAAARRRGGGHHH!"
The golden Alpaca flinched, its perfect posture breaking.
The turf war for the E-I-E-I-Dao had officially begun.