"I'm sorry," I said, holding up a hand to pause the frantic, ribbon-clad woman pacing in front of our wine-barrel desk. "Let me make sure my translation matrix is working correctly. You want us to sue a major publishing house because they plagiarized… a sex position?"
Fairy Copi-Rite stopped pacing. She slammed both hands down onto the barrel, knocking a pile of glowing boar tusks onto the floor.
"It is not just a 'position,' you uncultured mortal!" Copi-Rite shrieked, her eyes wide with caffeinated, artistic fury. "The Reversed Lotus Helicopter is a biomechanical masterpiece! It took me three years of intense anatomical study, a minor in wind-attribute arrays, and four separate stunt doubles to perfect the centrifugal force required to execute it safely!"
I blinked, my brain struggling to process the logistics. "Centrifugal force?"
"If the Yang-axis does not maintain a perfect ninety-degree angle while the Yin-vessel initiates the spin, the resulting Qi-friction can literally start a localized brush fire!" Copi-Rite yelled, jabbing a glowing jade stylus into my chest. "I mapped the precise rotational vectors! I published it in Volume Four of my Fifty Shades of Qi manuals! And now, that hack Scholar Kon-Trol-C has stolen it!"
I had to suppress a snort. "Scholar Kon-Trol-C. Of course. The patron saint of plagiarism."
"He published a new manual last week called The Spin Cycle!" Copi-Rite practically tore her own hair out. "He changed the name to the Inverted Peony Twirl, but the hip-rotation angles are exactly the same! He even stole my safety warning about stretching your hamstrings! He is making thousands of spirit stones off my intellectual property, and the Heavenly Lotus Publishing House is protecting him!"
I rubbed my chin, my modern legal knowledge finally finding a solid foothold.
"Boss," I said, turning to Lo Yu, who was currently examining one of Copi-Rite's highly explicit illustrated scrolls with profound, academic interest. "This is a classic DMCA takedown. The Daoist Millennium Copyright Act. If her patent is filed with the City Magistrate, we can issue a cease-and-desist and sue for lost royalties."
"Words on a page are merely wind, Junior Associate," Lo Yu rasped, not looking up from an illustration that seemed to defy several fundamental laws of physics. "In the cutthroat world of dual-cultivation copyright law, textual similarities are easily dismissed as 'parallel thinking.' We must prove that Scholar Kon-Trol-C's Spin Cycle mechanically relies on Fairy Copi-Rite's proprietary foundation."
Lo Yu rolled up the scroll, tucking it into his robes for 'safe keeping.' He looked at Copi-Rite, his missing-tooth smile stretching wide.
"To build an airtight case," Lo Yu purred, "I cannot rely on your diagrams, Fairy. I must witness the biomechanics of the Reversed Lotus Helicopter in person. I need a live, anatomical demonstration in this office."
My eyes widened. My heart hammered against my ribs. This was it. This was the moment I had been training for since I transmigrated.
I immediately stepped forward, tossing my black silk robes over my shoulder to display my completely average, non-muscular physique.
"Fairy Copi-Rite," I declared, my voice dropping an octave as I hit her with my most intense, smoldering gaze. "As the Junior Associate of this firm, I am willing to sacrifice my body for the pursuit of justice. I volunteer as your Yang-axis. Spin me."
Copi-Rite slowly turned her head. She looked me up and down.
She didn't look flustered. She didn't look impressed. She looked at me the way a master carpenter looks at a piece of rotten, termite-infested plywood.
She pulled a pair of crystal spectacles from her ribbons and put them on, squinting at my core.
"Absolutely not," Copi-Rite said flatly.
"What? Why?!" I protested, puffing out my chest. "I have great stamina! I know the Holy Grail Stack! I—"
"Your L4 vertebrae is completely out of alignment," Copi-Rite interrupted, tapping my stomach with her stylus. "Your Dantian is practically hollow, your glutes are tragically under-developed, and your center of gravity is higher than a kite. If I initiated the Reversed Lotus Helicopter on you, the sheer torque would snap your spine like a dry twig, completely detach your pelvis, and launch your upper torso through that wooden wall."
I stood there, absolutely devastated. My self-esteem didn't just take a hit; it was brutally murdered, chopped into tiny pieces, and scattered to the wind.
"She is correct, He Lu," Lo Yu nodded solemnly. "You possess the structural integrity of wet tissue paper. You would die instantly."
"I... I do some light jogging," I whispered miserably, retreating to the corner of the office to sulk next to the goat.
The goat looked up from the explicit jade scroll it was chewing on, made direct eye contact with me, and let out a soft, mocking baaaa. Even the livestock knew I was un-spinnable.
"If the Junior Associate is unfit for the demonstration, how shall we proceed, Senior Lo?" Copi-Rite asked, chewing nervously on her stylus. "I cannot perform the technique alone. It requires a counterbalance."
"Fear not, Fairy," Lo Yu grinned, leaning heavily on his wine barrel. "I will hire a professional stunt-cultivator from the Spring Breeze Pavilion to act as the Yang-axis later this evening. But first, we must officially establish our attorney-client relationship."
Here it comes.
Fairy Copi-Rite reached for her pouch. "I have two hundred mid-grade stones—"
"The Lo & He Law Firm is not interested in your stones," Lo Yu interrupted smoothly.
Copi-Rite blinked. "You're not?"
"No," Lo Yu rasped, his voice dropping to a creepy, hypnotic whisper. He leaned across the desk, his eyes locked onto her ink-stained fingers. "To truly argue the depth of your creative suffering, Fairy Copi-Rite, I must connect with your muse. I must feel the fiery passion of your drafting process."
Copi-Rite looked confused. "My drafting process?"
"When you are writing your most intense, feverish, highly-detailed chapters..." Lo Yu whispered, closing his eyes in anticipation. "You must sweat profusely. The artistic exertion must be staggering. Bring me the heavily soiled, ink-stained silk writing gloves you wear during your midnight marathon sessions. The ones saturated in your creative, frantic musk. Unwashed."
I slapped my hand over my face. He was evolving. He was moving from pure physical degeneracy to intellectual, artistic degeneracy.
As a trashy romance author, Copi-Rite's threshold for weird behavior was apparently much higher than the average cultivator's. Instead of drawing a sword or screaming for the guards, a look of profound, artistic respect crossed her face.
"Senior Lo," Copi-Rite breathed out, her eyes shining. "You truly understand the torment of the artist. You recognize that my sweat is the ink of my soul!"
"I do," Lo Yu nodded gravely. "Especially the sweat from your palms."
"I will bring them to you immediately after we serve the cease-and-desist!" Copi-Rite declared, slamming her fist on her chest. "We ride for the Heavenly Lotus Publishing House!"
"Excellent," Lo Yu grinned. "Junior Associate, grab a stack of legal parchment. We are going to serve a subpoena to a plagiarist."
The Heavenly Lotus Publishing House was located in the Literary District of Heavenly Peak City. It was a massive, elegant building shaped like an unfurling lotus flower, surrounded by quiet gardens where scholars sat meditating over poetry.
It was a place of quiet dignity. Which meant we were about to ruin it.
I kicked the elegant sliding paper doors open, holding a rolled-up legal scroll like a weapon. Lo Yu strutted in behind me, reeking of old cabbage, while Fairy Copi-Rite marched in like a general leading an army, her red ribbons fluttering aggressively.
The goat trotted in last, immediately spotting a priceless bonsai tree in the lobby and deciding it looked delicious.
"Hear ye, hear ye!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, shattering the peaceful silence of the publishing house. Several elderly scholars dropped their tea cups in shock. "The Lo & He Law Firm has arrived! We are looking for Scholar Kon-Trol-C! Tell that copy-pasting hack to come out with his hands up!"
A terrified receptionist, wearing thick glasses and holding a stack of manuscripts, squeaked and pointed a trembling finger toward the grand staircase.
"H-he's in the VIP author's lounge on the second floor!" the receptionist stammered.
"Hold the elevator!" I shouted, sprinting for the stairs.
We stormed up the wooden steps, Copi-Rite practically vibrating with rage. We kicked open the double doors of the VIP lounge.
Inside, lounging on a velvet chaise, surrounded by beautiful attendants peeling spiritual grapes for him, was Scholar Kon-Trol-C. He wore pristine white scholar's robes, held an elegant folding fan, and had a smug, punchable face.
"Kon-Trol-C!" Copi-Rite shrieked, pointing her jade stylus at him like a spear. "You thieving hack! How dare you steal my rotational vectors!"
Kon-Trol-C lazily snapped his fan shut. He didn't look intimidated. He looked annoyed.
"Fairy Copi-Rite," he sighed, rolling his eyes. "Must you be so dramatic? I didn't steal anything. My Inverted Peony Twirl is a completely original work of literary genius. I added a slight tilt to the pelvic axis. It is legally distinct."
"A slight tilt?!" Copi-Rite screamed, lunging forward. I had to grab her around the waist to stop her from physically strangling him. "You just changed the font and hit publish, you talentless parasite!"
"Gentlemen, please," Lo Yu stepped forward, gesturing calmly with his hand. "Let us handle this with the profound dignity of the law."
Lo Yu turned to Kon-Trol-C, his missing-tooth smile flashing. "Scholar. I am Senior Lo Yu. We are officially serving you with a DMCA takedown notice. You will cease publication of The Spin Cycle, or we will see you in Magistrate Chen's court tomorrow morning."
Kon-Trol-C laughed. It was a rich, arrogant, infuriating sound.
"You think you can sue me?" the Scholar sneered, standing up and tossing a grape onto the floor. "I am backed by the Heavenly Lotus Publishing House! We have an army of lawyers. You are a dirty old man, a weak-kneed peasant, and a hack writer. You have no proof. No magistrate will ever convict me over a bedroom maneuver."
He leaned forward, a malicious glint in his eye. "In fact, I'm already drafting the sequel. I'm taking your Soaring Dragon Thrust and renaming it the Bouncing Wyrm Poke. What are you going to do about it?"
Copi-Rite let out an unholy scream of pure, artistic rage.
"Challenge accepted, Kon-Trol-C," I said, tapping the subpoena against my palm. "See you in court. Make sure you stretch your hamstrings."
We marched out of the Heavenly Lotus Publishing House with our heads held high, leaving Scholar Kon-Trol-C to his grapes and his impending legal doom.
"To the Magistrate's Court!" Fairy Copi-Rite declared, her red ribbons fluttering in the wind. "We shall file the injunction immediately! Justice waits for no author!"
We practically jogged the five blocks to the Grand Magistrate's Court. I had the legal scroll rolled up tight, ready to slam it onto Magistrate Chen's desk.
But when we burst through the heavy mahogany doors of the clerk's office, we hit a brick wall.
"I'm sorry, Senior Litigation Master," the head clerk sighed, stamping a stack of mundane property disputes. "Magistrate Chen is not seeing anyone today. Or tomorrow."
"What?" I demanded, leaning over the counter. "Is he cultivating? Tell him it's an emergency! We have a DMCA to file!"
"He is on mandatory medical leave," the clerk said flatly, adjusting his spectacles. "He muttered something about 'alpaca incubuses' and 'load-bearing pill victims' before barricading himself in his private alchemy room. He left strict orders that if anyone from the Lo & He Law Firm approaches this building within the next forty-eight hours, the guards are to shoot on sight."
I winced. Okay, fair enough. We had put the old man through the wringer this week.
"Two days?" Fairy Copi-Rite shrieked, clutching her hair. "In two days, the second printing of The Spin Cycle hits the markets! I will lose hundreds of stones!"
"Patience, Fairy," Lo Yu soothed. "The wheels of justice require grease, and sometimes that grease is a two-day mental health retreat. Go back to your studio. Work on your next manuscript. And remember... the retainer."
Copi-Rite's frantic energy shifted into profound, artistic determination. "The heavily soiled, ink-stained writing gloves. I will not fail you, Senior Lo. I shall summon my most feverish muse tonight!"
She spun around and sprinted out of the courthouse, leaving Lo Yu and me standing in the quiet lobby.
The walk back to our cabbage-scented, glory-hole-adjacent office in the red-light district was quiet. The adrenaline of confronting the arrogant Scholar had faded, leaving me with a cold, uncomfortable emptiness in my chest.
When we finally stepped through our newly-repaired wooden door, I collapsed onto the client stool. The goat trotted over, resting its chin on my knee. I absentmindedly scratched behind its ears.
Lo Yu moved behind his wine-barrel desk, pulling out a small polishing cloth to meticulously clean his new collection of glowing mid-grade spirit stones.
"You are projecting an aura of profound patheticness, Junior Associate," Lo Yu murmured without looking up. "Did the walk exhaust your fragile, misaligned L4 vertebrae?"
I sighed, staring down at my hands. They were smooth. Callus-free. Completely mortal.
"Boss," I said quietly. "Is there... is there any way for me to actually cultivate? Without dying?"
Lo Yu stopped polishing. He looked up at me, his missing-tooth smile completely absent.
"Fairy Copi-Rite was right," I continued, my voice thick with frustration. "I'm just weak tissue paper. I talk a big game, I pretend to be a Young Master, I throw around earthly legal terms... but at the end of the day, a stiff breeze from an Inner Court disciple could snap my spine. I couldn't even handle being a test dummy for a bedroom maneuver."
I leaned back, staring at the ceiling. "I don't want to be a mortal forever, Boss. I want the power to back up my own mouth."
The office was silent for a long moment, save for the sound of the goat chewing on my shoelaces.
Lo Yu set his polishing cloth down. He reached into his robes, pulled out his worn bamboo pipe, and packed it with cheap, pungent spiritual tobacco. He lit it with a snap of his fingers, inhaling deeply.
He exhaled a cloud of thick, gray smoke that seemed to hang in the air like a shroud.
"Cultivation is not a blessing, He Lu," Lo Yu rasped. His voice sounded different. The usual sleazy, money-grubbing tone was completely gone. It was replaced by a heavy, ancient gravity that made the hairs on my arms stand up. "It is a curse. It is a path paved with shattered meridians, dead prodigies, and the crushing weight of the Heavens pushing against your very soul."
I sat up straight. I had never heard him speak like this.
"I look at you, Junior Associate, and I see a fool," Lo Yu said softly, staring through the smoke. "But I also see a man unburdened by the Heavenly Dao. You do not know the despair of reaching the peak of the mountain, only to realize the sky is made of impenetrable glass."
"You... you reached a bottleneck?" I asked hesitantly.
Lo Yu chuckled. It was a dark, bitter sound. "A bottleneck? Boy, I was the sole remaining genius of a dying family. I held the hopes of an entire lineage on my shoulders. I reached Foundation Establishment before my twentieth winter. And then... the Heavens abandoned me."
He took another long drag of his pipe. The shadows in the office seemed to lengthen, gathering around him like a cloak.
"Sit down, He Lu," Lo Yu commanded quietly, his eyes glowing with an eerie, profound light. "If you truly wish to understand the Dao, then you must understand how a genius falls. You must understand how a man turns his back on orthodox martial arts, embraces the shadows, and finds enlightenment in the deepest, most degenerate depths of the mortal realm."
He leaned forward, the smell of cabbage fading entirely, replaced by the overwhelming, terrifying scent of ancient, raw power.
"Let me tell you the story of my Tribulation."