Magistrate Chen actually looked rested.
When he walked into the Grand Magistrate's Court, his purple eyebags had faded to a light lavender. He was wearing a fresh set of judicial robes, and his skin had a faint, healthy glow that suggested he had spent his two-day medical leave meditating in a hot spring.
He sat down at his raised dais, picked up his gavel, and let out a deep, cleansing breath.
"The Heavenly Dao is balanced," Magistrate Chen murmured, a small, peaceful smile on his face. "My Qi is centered. I am ready to serve justice to the city."
He opened his eyes and looked down at the plaintiff's box.
He saw Lo Yu, reeking of cabbage. He saw me, wearing my smug Junior Associate smirk. He saw the goat, which was currently wearing a tiny set of reading glasses and chewing on a piece of legal parchment.
And then, his peaceful gaze drifted downward.
Magistrate Chen's smile instantly vanished. His eyebags violently returned, dropping a full inch down his face.
"Litigation Master Lo," the Magistrate whispered, his voice cracking. "Why... why are you and your Junior Associate standing behind a rotting, fermented wine barrel?"
"You refused to issue us a new plaintiff's desk after Fairy Su-Mi destroyed the last one with her aerodynamic chest, Your Honor!" I chirped cheerfully, patting the top of the barrel. "The clerk said we had to provide our own seating! Do you know how hard it is to roll a wine barrel six blocks uphill through the Literary District? My calves are burning!"
"It adds a rustic, earthly charm to the proceedings," Lo Yu rasped, casually leaning his elbows on the curved wood. "Besides, the firm's branding is paramount."
Magistrate Chen slowly lowered his face into his hands. He stayed like that for a full thirty seconds. Finally, he picked up his gavel and tapped it weakly against the sounding block.
"I specified," the Magistrate groaned into his palms. "The guards were supposed to shoot you on sight."
"We used the service elevator!" I beamed, waving my subpoena. "The Lo & He Law Firm brings glad tidings! And a massive intellectual property dispute!"
"Case number 405," the Magistrate sighed, completely ignoring the fact that his pristine jade courtroom now smelled like cheap booze and goat. "Fairy Copi-Rite versus Scholar Kon-Trol-C. Petition for... an injunction against a dual-cultivation manual? On the grounds of 'rotational plagiarism'?"
Across the aisle, Scholar Kon-Trol-C sat behind his polished, highly expensive mahogany defense desk. He was flanked by the sleek, silver-robed corporate lawyers of the Heavenly Lotus Publishing House, all of whom were glaring at our barrel with profound disgust.
"Your Honor!" the lead corporate lawyer declared, standing up. "This case is an affront to the literary arts! The plaintiff claims my client stole a bedroom maneuver. But the Heavenly Code clearly states that martial stances and physical movements cannot be copyrighted! They belong to the public domain! The Inverted Peony Twirl is a fully original, legally distinct technique!"
"Objection!" I yelled, leaping out from behind the wine barrel and pacing the center aisle like a TV lawyer. "The defense is confusing a simple punch with a patented, highly-engineered piece of biomechanical machinery!"
I pointed dramatically at the Scholar. "Your Honor, Fairy Copi-Rite did not just invent a pose. The Reversed Lotus Helicopter relies on a specific, ninety-degree Yang-axis and a mathematically calculated Yin-vessel spin to generate centrifugal force! It is an engineering marvel! And Scholar Kon-Trol-C didn't just copy the idea; he copy-pasted the exact structural code into his book, The Spin Cycle!"
Kon-Trol-C rolled his eyes, snapping his folding fan open. "I added a slight pelvic tilt. It is entirely transformative, you uncultured peasant."
"A tilt that ruins the structural integrity of the maneuver!" Fairy Copi-Rite shrieked from our bench, her red ribbons flailing. "You're going to get someone killed!"
"Order," Magistrate Chen sighed. "Litigation Master Lo. You claim the technique is plagiarized. But as the defense stated, the human body can only bend in so many ways. How do you prove intellectual theft of a spin?"
Lo Yu stood up, leaning on the barrel, his missing-tooth smile gleaming. "Through the Daoist Millennium Copyright Act, Your Honor. A foundational rule from my Junior Associate's homeland. And to demonstrate it, we require the court floor."
Lo Yu clapped his hands twice.
The heavy mahogany doors of the courtroom swung open. Two professional stunt-cultivators from the Spring Breeze Pavilion marched in.
They were not wearing seductive silk. They were wearing full, heavy-duty iron-hide plate armor, reinforced neck braces, and protective safety goggles. They looked like they were preparing to defuse a bomb.
"What is the meaning of this?" the corporate lawyer demanded.
"Safety first, counsel," I said, tapping my temple. "The Helicopter generates immense wind pressure. We don't want a localized brush fire in the courtroom."
The two armored stunt-cultivators stepped into the center of the room. They locked arms, assumed a rigorous, rigid stance that looked more like Voltron combining than a romantic embrace, and braced themselves.
"Initiate the Reversed Lotus Helicopter kata!" Copi-Rite commanded.
The stunt-cultivators flared their Qi. The Yang-axis grounded his metal boots into the jade floor. The Yin-vessel initiated the spin.
WHOOSH.
It was terrifying. The sheer, blinding speed of the rotation generated a localized tornado in the middle of the courtroom. The heavy iron-hide armor clanked loudly. Loose papers flew off the defense's mahogany desk. Magistrate Chen had to hold his judicial hat onto his head.
"Halt!" Copi-Rite yelled.
The stunt-cultivators flawlessly broke the spin, landing perfectly on their feet, completely unharmed.
"Flawless centrifugal balance," Lo Yu purred. "Now, Your Honor, we challenge Scholar Kon-Trol-C to demonstrate his 'original' Inverted Peony Twirl."
Kon-Trol-C scoffed. "Gladly. Bring in my stunt team!"
Two more armored cultivators marched in, hired by the publishing house. They took the center floor. Kon-Trol-C stood up, looking incredibly smug.
"You see, Your Honor," the Scholar lectured, "by adding a three-degree pelvic tilt, my technique is completely legally distinct from—"
"Wait," I interrupted, pointing directly at the open copy of The Spin Cycle on the defense's desk. "Before they spin. Scholar, on page forty-two of your manual, step seven of the Twirl clearly instructs the Yang-axis to aggressively pinch the Yin-vessel's left pinky toe. Is that correct?"
Kon-Trol-C frowned, glancing at his book. "Yes. To stimulate the... uh... the lower meridian flow."
I grinned. I looked at Fairy Copi-Rite. She was practically vibrating with vindictive joy.
"Your Honor," I declared, my voice ringing through the hall. "In my homeland, mapmakers who want to protect their intellectual property will draw a 'Paper Town'—a completely fake, non-existent city on their maps. If a rival mapmaker copies the map, they copy the fake city, proving the plagiarism undeniably."
I pointed a dramatic, accusing finger at Scholar Kon-Trol-C.
"Step seven is a Paper Town! Fairy Copi-Rite intentionally included the 'Pinky-Toe Pinch' in her manual as a copyright trap! It has absolutely zero anatomical function! It doesn't stimulate a meridian; it just gives the Yin-vessel a severe foot cramp!"
The courtroom gasped.
"That's a lie!" Kon-Trol-C sputtered, his smug facade cracking. "The toe-pinch is vital to the spin!"
"Is it?" I challenged. "Then let your stunt team perform it exactly as written! With your 'original' three-degree pelvic tilt!"
Kon-Trol-C gritted his teeth. He waved his fan at his stunt team. "Do it! Show these peasants the majesty of my Twirl!"
The publishing house stunt-cultivators locked arms. They grounded themselves with the three-degree tilt. The Yang-axis reached down and aggressively pinched the Yin-vessel's left pinky toe.
"Initiate!" Kon-Trol-C yelled.
They spun.
But physics is a cruel mistress. The combination of the off-center pelvic tilt and the sudden, severe foot cramp from the plagiarized toe-pinch completely destroyed their center of gravity.
WHOOSH—WOBBLE—CRASH!
They didn't form a tornado. They formed a rogue, heavily armored Beyblade.
The two stunt-cultivators spun violently out of control. They careened across the jade floor, screaming in terror. They bounced off the railing, ricocheted off a marble pillar, and slammed directly into the defense's mahogany desk.
The desk exploded into splinters. Scholar Kon-Trol-C shrieked as he was thrown backward into the laps of his corporate lawyers, covered in shattered wood and crushed spiritual grapes.
The two armored cultivators collapsed into a groaning, dizzy heap on the floor.
The courtroom fell dead silent.
Once again, the goat took advantage of the chaos, casually trotting over to the wreckage and eating Kon-Trol-C's folding fan.
Magistrate Chen stared at the destruction. He looked at the groaning stunt-cultivators. He looked at my smug face, peaking out from behind the wine barrel.
"A copyright trap," the Magistrate whispered, his voice trembling with a mixture of awe and absolute despair. "You deliberately published a flawed sex position to catch plagiarists, knowing it would turn them into a runaway siege weapon."
"The Daoist Millennium Copyright Act is absolute, Your Honor," I said, bowing deeply. "The defense did not just steal her work. He stole her traps. We demand an immediate injunction against the Heavenly Lotus Publishing House, and all royalties transferred to Fairy Copi-Rite."
"Granted," Magistrate Chen said instantly, banging his gavel before the corporate lawyers could even stand up from the wreckage. "Injunction granted. Royalties transferred. Scholar Kon-Trol-C is ordered to pay for my new desk. Again. Court is adjourned."
Bang! Fairy Copi-Rite let out a triumphant scream. She grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me violently. "We won! My rotational vectors are protected!"
"A victory for the literary arts," Lo Yu rasped, casually stepping over a groaning stunt-cultivator to approach our client. He held out his hand, his eyes gleaming with that terrifying, degenerate light. "And now, Fairy. The retainer."
Copi-Rite nodded solemnly. She reached into her red ribbons and pulled out a pair of white silk writing gloves.
They were heavily stained with black ink. They were visibly damp. The sheer, frantic, caffeinated sweat of a smut author on a midnight deadline radiated from the fabric.
She placed them gently into Lo Yu's waiting hand.
"The ink of my soul, Senior Lo," she whispered reverently.
"The caulk of the Heavens, Fairy," Lo Yu replied, tucking the damp gloves into his robes with the utmost care, ensuring his Foundation Establishment bottleneck remained securely patched.
I just shook my head, jingling the massive pouch of newly acquired contingency fees. We were rich, we were legally invincible, and my boss was actively maintaining his cultivation base through the power of gross undergarments.
But as we began rolling our wine-barrel desk backward out of the courtroom, a pristine, icy-blue figure stepped out from the shadows of the hallway, blocking our path.
It was Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan.
Her Ice aura was perfectly contained, her expression an unreadable mask of absolute, terrifying authority. But as her icy blue eyes locked onto me, I noticed a very faint, almost imperceptible flush of pink on her otherwise pale cheeks.
"Junior Associate He Lu," Ho Li-Fan said, her voice crisp and chilling. "The Jade Water Sect has a problem. And unfortunately... my Elders believe your firm is the only one slimy enough to solve it."
I froze, my hands still gripping the rim of the wine barrel. My paranoia instantly spiked.
The Feds, my brain screamed. They finally built a case against us. She's dragging us into the Inner Sect to execute us.
"We plead the Fifth!" I yelled, hiding behind the goat.
Ho Li-Fan just sighed, the ambient temperature in the hallway dropping to a freeze.