The Grand Magistrate's Court of the Royal Capital was a terrifying display of absolute authority.
It was a cavernous hall carved entirely from black obsidian and gold. The Grand Magistrate sat elevated on a throne-like bench, flanked by heavily armed bailiffs. The air was thick with the oppressive, suffocating weight of bureaucratic power.
Sitting at the plaintiff's table was the legal team for Omni-Dao Holdings. There were five of them, wearing perfectly tailored, impossibly expensive silver silk robes. They looked smug, well-fed, and radiated the slick, soulless energy of men who had successfully sued orphans for copyright infringement.
At the defense table sat the Lo & He Law Firm.
Lo Yu was casually cleaning his ear with the bamboo pipe. I was furiously organizing my cheap legal pads. The goat was sitting under our table, aggressively chewing on the mahogany table leg.
Sitting rigidly between us was Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan. She was wearing a thick, enchanted mourning veil that completely obscured her face. She wasn't actually in mourning; she was just trying to hide her identity from the catastrophic humiliation that was about to unfold. Even through the veil, I could see the furious white steam rolling off her shoulders.
"Order," the Grand Magistrate droned, striking a massive jade gavel. "Docket number 409. Omni-Dao Holdings vs. The Jade Water Sect. Plaintiff, state your claim."
The Lead Counsel for Omni-Dao, a handsome man named Sima with a smile like a corporate shark, stood up and smoothed his silver robes.
"Your Honor," Sima said, his voice dripping with arrogance. "The facts are indisputable. Three weeks ago, Omni-Dao Holdings secured Patent 77-B for the 'Passive Absorption and Refinement of Ambient Atmospheric Moisture.' Since that day, the Jade Water Sect has willfully and maliciously inhaled exactly forty-two million cubic liters of our proprietary air."
A murmur went through the gallery.
"We have sent numerous Cease and Desist notices," Sima sighed dramatically. "They refuse to pay the licensing fees. Therefore, we petition the court to immediately repossess the Jade Water Sect's floating islands to cover the outstanding royalties."
The Grand Magistrate nodded along. He didn't even try to hide the heavy, gold-trimmed pouch of "campaign donations" resting on his desk, courtesy of Omni-Dao.
"A clear violation of intellectual property," the Magistrate agreed lazily. "Defense, do you have anything to say before I sign the repossession order and render your Sect homeless?"
"I do, Your Honor!" I shouted, leaping to my feet and adjusting my cheap grey tunic. "The defense moves for an immediate dismissal with prejudice! The plaintiff's patent is fundamentally flawed, illegally obtained, and legally nullified by the doctrine of Prior Art!"
Lead Counsel Sima laughed. It was a cold, mocking sound. "Prior Art? Litigation Master He, my firm invented the very concept of harvesting water Qi from the atmosphere. You have no proof of prior existence."
"Oh, I have proof," I sneered, leaning over the table. "I have physical, highly fermented, undeniable proof that high-tier female cultivators have been operating proprietary, high-capacity moisture-retention devices for millennia! Boss, present Exhibit A!"
Lo Yu stood up. He didn't speak. He simply reached into his robes, pulled out the glowing, airtight jade lockbox, and set it on the defense table.
With a dramatic flourish, Lo Yu unlatched the heavy iron clasps.
HISS.
The pressurized seal broke. A thick, localized cloud of white steam erupted from the box, instantly rolling across the obsidian floor of the courtroom.
The stink hit the room like a physical shockwave. It wasn't just sweat. It was the concentrated, weaponized essence of a Jade Beauty pushed to her absolute physical limits in a 130-degree blast furnace. It smelled of crisp peppermint, lotus incense, and the heavy, intoxicating musk of desperate, furious cardio.
The two armed bailiffs near our table instantly went cross-eyed, their knees buckling as the sheer density of the Yin-aroma short-circuited their Dantians. They collapsed against the wooden railing.
"By the Heavens," the Grand Magistrate gasped, leaning over his bench, his eyes wide as his own cultivation base gave a violent, involuntary shudder. "What... what is that localized stink?!"
"It is not a stink, Your Honor!" I declared, pulling a pair of silver evidence tongs from my robes. I reached into the billowing steam and slowly, reverently, pulled out the icy-blue, thoroughly soaked silk foundational garments.
The entire courtroom went dead silent.
Lead Counsel Sima's jaw dropped. The four junior lawyers behind him stared in absolute, unadulterated shock.
Beside me, Ho Li-Fan lowered her head into her hands. A low, agonizing whimper of pure spiritual death escaped her veil.
"Behold, Your Honor!" I projected my voice to the back of the gallery, holding the dripping silk high in the air with the tongs. "A Class-Four Moisture Retention Gusset! Saturated with the ambient atmospheric moisture of the Capital!"
"Objection!" Sima shrieked, his composure completely shattering. "That... that is a pair of women's undergarments! That is sweat! You are holding soiled laundry in a court of law!"
"I am holding precedent!" I roared back, slamming my free hand on the table. "My client generated this localized humidity purely through the ancestral physical exertion of the Jade Water Sect! She absorbed the ambient moisture, retained it within the structural integrity of this silk, and refined it into pure, high-viscosity Yin-water! And she did it using techniques passed down for three thousand years!"
I pointed my charcoal pencil directly at Sima's horrified face.
"You didn't invent moisture absorption, Omni-Dao!" I accused loudly. "The human body is the original humidifier! The Jade Beauties of the Southern Province have been holding the patent in their trousers since the Dawn Era!"
"This is a mockery of the legal system!" Sima yelled, looking at the judge. "Your Honor, you cannot accept sweaty bloomers as Prior Art!"
"The defense invites the plaintiff to inspect the evidence," Lo Yu rasped, his missing-tooth smile stretching into a terrifying grin. He gestured to the dripping silk. "Please, Lead Counsel Sima. Step forward. Analyze the viscosity. Inhale the aroma of the Dao. Tell the court under oath that this is not a highly advanced moisture-gathering technique."
Sima looked at the heavily soiled, violently steaming silk garments. He looked at the terrifying, unblinking eyes of Lo Yu.
Sima swallowed hard. He took a half-step backward, his face turning a distinct shade of pale green. The sheer, overwhelming degenerate energy of the Lo & He Law Firm had completely broken his corporate spirit.
"I... I withdraw the claim," Sima choked out, grabbing his briefcases. "The patent is... the patent is overly broad. Omni-Dao Holdings drops the suit."
He didn't wait to be dismissed. Sima and his corporate team practically sprinted out of the courtroom, desperate to escape the weaponized musk.
The Grand Magistrate slowly banged his gavel, looking utterly traumatized.
"Case dismissed," the Magistrate whispered. "The Omni-Dao patent is hereby invalidated. Now please... put that away. My Dantian is acting up."
"Victory for the working class!" I cheered, dropping the silk back into the lockbox and sealing it shut.
Two hours later, deep in the neon-drenched depths of the Avenue of Ten Thousand Delights, Lead Counsel Sima was trying to recover his shattered dignity.
He and his junior corporate lawyers were sitting in the VIP booth of a shady, red-lit tavern. They weren't drinking. They were staring intensely at a glowing stage, completely dead-eyed.
On the stage, a scantily clad female cultivator was currently in a wide-legged horse stance. With a sharp grunt, she contracted her lower Dantian, successfully firing a low-grade Qi-pill from her "Jade Valley" across the room, knocking over a stack of wooden cups. The crowd cheered.
Sima didn't cheer. He wept softly into a silk handkerchief.
"Did you get the muzzle velocity?" Sima whispered to his junior associate.
"Yes, sir," the junior associate said, lowering a glowing radar-artifact. "Forty-two miles per hour. But her L4 vertebra is completely misaligned during the expulsion."
"Excellent," Sima sniffled, pulling out a legal pad. "Document the lack of proper lumbar support. We are filing a massive medical malpractice and OSHA violation lawsuit against this brothel by morning. I need a win today, Higgins. I just got out-lawyered by a man holding wet panties with barbecue tongs."
While Omni-Dao licked their wounds, Lo Yu had split off from the group to handle the firm's finances.
He descended into the murky, smoke-filled basement of the Capital's largest underground betting parlor. The air smelled of cheap ale and desperate men.
Lo Yu slammed a heavy pouch of spirit stones onto the counter in front of "Three-Fingers" Wang, the premier bookie of the Southern Province.
"Fifty mid-grade stones on He Lu to clear the first round," Lo Yu rasped, tapping his bamboo pipe on the wood. "And twenty stones on the cross-eyed goat eating a referee's whistle."
Wang quickly tallied the bets, handing Lo Yu a glowing jade slip.
"You're bold, Senior Lo," Wang chuckled, wiping down the bar. "The Inner Sect Tournament is a meat grinder this year. We got Foundation Establishment prodigies from all five provinces. It's single-elimination. Magic, swords, beast-taming—no rules except 'don't kill the opponent.' The wildcard bracket is brutal. He Lu is a mortal with a wooden stick."
"My Junior Associate fights with the heaviest weapon of all: liability," Lo Yu smirked. "Who is presiding over the tournament?"
Wang leaned over the counter, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper. "The VIP box is fully booked. The Dowager Empress herself is attending."
Lo Yu's single visible eye widened. His breath hitched. "The Sovereign of the Scarlet Lotus? The supreme matriarch? I thought she hadn't left the Inner Palace in a decade."
"She hasn't," Wang nodded, looking around to make sure no Imperial Guards were listening. "She's over a thousand years old, Senior Lo. But word is, the Royal Apothecaries have been working overtime. They say her face has been magically lifted so many times it's stretched tighter than a snare drum. She looks perpetually surprised. Not a single natural expression left."
"A woman of profound, terrifying preservation," Lo Yu whispered reverently, placing a hand over his heart. "A high-viscosity asset of the highest order."
"Maybe," Wang snorted. "But the real rumor is that she's bored. She fired her entire harem of pristine, jade-like noblemen last week. Said she was sick of pretty porcelain dolls who smell like expensive sandalwood and quote poetry."
"What does she want, then?" Lo Yu asked, leaning in, his heart beating a little faster.
"She wants a change of pace," Wang grinned. "Rumor has it she's watching the wildcard bracket specifically to find someone... gritty. Someone with the stench of real, desperate struggle. A man who hasn't been polished by the Sects."
Lo Yu's face lit up. He puffed his chest out, adjusting his threadbare, cabbage-scented robes.
"Gritty? Desperate? A stench of struggle?!" Lo Yu's missing-tooth smile stretched from ear to ear. "Wang, my friend! The Heavens have finally smiled upon me! I am the most desperate man in this city! I haven't bathed in a natural spring since the Ming Dynasty! My legal robes are held together by dried soup stains and sheer spite!"
Wang looked Lo Yu up and down. He took in the eyepatch, the bamboo pipe, and the overwhelming aura of a 300-year-old degenerate goblin.
"I don't know, Senior Lo," Wang coughed politely. "She might be looking for a different kind of pathetic..."
"Nonsense!" Lo Yu declared, snatching his betting slip. "I am the pinnacle of unwashed masculinity! When the Empress gazes upon the wildcard bracket, she will see a Litigation Master in his prime!"
Lo Yu turned and marched out of the betting parlor, his walking stick tapping a joyful rhythm against the floorboards. He was a man on a mission. The Dowager Empress was looking for a gritty peasant, and Lo Yu was absolutely convinced he was going to be the next Imperial Concubine.
He had no idea that the Heavens—and the Empress's highly specific, deeply unnatural tastes—had a very different, much more pathetic Junior Associate in mind.