Before the matches officially began, I took an hour to wander the Jade Water Sect.
It was a paradise of white jade bridges, floating islands, and cascading waterfalls. But I wasn't looking at the architecture. I was looking at the training courtyards. Dozens of female disciples in pristine blue robes were running through sword drills. Sweat beaded on their collarbones. Damp patches formed under their arms.
It was a buffet of premium human musk.
I leaned against a marble pillar, taking a deep breath of the humid, lotus-scented air. I didn't care about the tournament prize money anymore. Just being allowed on the grounds was payment enough. High above in a registration window, Fairy Gou-Na caught my eye. She gave me a greasy, goblin-like thumbs-up and pointed to her crotch. I tipped an imaginary hat to her. We had an arrangement.
By a sheer miracle of the Heavenly Dao—and by "miracle," I mean Lo Yu had actively bribed my first three opponents to fake sudden, explosive diarrhea—I had coasted all the way to the semi-finals without throwing a single punch.
But my luck had finally run out. The arena gongs echoed through the valley. It was time to actually fight.
I stepped onto the raised white-jade platform. Thousands of spectators cheered from the stands. Sitting in the VIP box was Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan, her icy gaze fixed directly on me.
And standing across the ring, spinning her massive war-hammer like a baton, was Fairy Ton-Ka of the Iron-Hide Sect. She wore her heavy leather pauldrons, a ridiculously short battle-skirt, and an angry scowl.
Acting as the reluctant referee was Magistrate Chen. He looked at me, looked at my wooden practice sword, and let out a deep, tired sigh.
"Begin," Chen droned, dropping his hand.
"Meat pancake!" Ton-Ka roared.
She charged. Her massive thighs churned, closing the distance in half a second. She swung the beer-keg-sized hammer horizontally at my ribs.
I didn't block. I invoked the Oopsie-Daisy Defense.
I shrieked, dropped my wooden sword, and sprinted in the opposite direction. The hammer whistled past my spine.
"Stand still and die with honor!" Ton-Ka yelled, chasing me in a circle.
"Honor doesn't pay my legal fees!" I yelled back, diving behind a decorative stone pillar.
She smashed the pillar into gravel. I scrambled on my hands and knees, dodging a sweeping kick that would have decapitated a horse. The crowd booed. They wanted blood. I just wanted to survive until my client paid the bill.
I rolled to the left, trying to put distance between us. My cheap sandal caught the edge of a cracked jade tile. I tripped, sprawling flat on my back in the center of the ring.
Ton-Ka grinned. She tossed her hammer aside and leaped twenty feet into the air, eclipsing the sun.
"METEOR STRIKE!" She crashed down. She didn't use her fists. She landed squarely on my chest in a reverse-straddle, pinning my shoulders to the floor with her massive, heavily-muscled thighs.
The world went instantly dark.
My nose was pressed firmly against the Forbidden Rear Courtyard. The Dao reveals itself in the deepest, most unlit caverns of the mortal realm. My lips were completely smothered by the Jade Valley. True enlightenment requires the heavy, fermented Yin-musk of an unhindered warrior to seal the mortal coil.
Because she cultivated the Dao of the Unhindered Breeze, there was zero fabric between her Iron-Hide undercarriage and my face. The scent of Amazonian battle-sweat and raw, unapologetic dominance flooded my lungs. The Heavenly Dao demands balance, and her unwashed musk was the exact caulk my broken meridian desperately needed.
It tasted like salt, iron, and a three-hour cardio session in the blazing sun. The ancient masters wrote of Qi flowing like a serene river, but mine ignited like a powder keg.
Deep inside my Dantian, the tiny "Quickshot Seal" from the Glass Lotus flared to life. The heavy, viscous Yin-musk rushed into my system, coating my hollow core like spiritual superglue. To grasp the Dao, one must inhale the essence of the earth itself, and I was breathing in pure, concentrated dirt and victory.
My leaky bucket sealed shut. The ambient Qi from the arena rushed into my body.
But it didn't make me glow. It didn't blast her off me with a shockwave of energy. The Qi followed the path of least resistance, rushing straight down my spine and pooling directly in my groin.
I popped the hardest, most aggressive, diamond-shattering erection of my two lifetimes.
It was the Adamantine Pillar. It strained violently against my cheap grey martial arts trousers. It surged upward with the force of a hydraulic press.
And Ton-Ka had a front-row seat to the show.
"Yield, mortal!" Ton-Ka yelled to the crowd, grinding her hips down to ensure I couldn't breathe.
She froze.
Right in her line of sight, rising up between her muscular thighs, the fabric of my trousers violently pitched upward. A rigid, pulsing iron bar formed a massive, undeniable tent, pointing directly at her face.
Ton-Ka stared at it. The Yang-energy trapped in my pants radiated heat like a furnace.
"What..." Ton-Ka whispered, the color draining from her scarred face. "What demonic artifact is that?"
I couldn't answer. I was suffocating in the Dao.
Ton-Ka was a ruthless warrior. She hunted beasts. She crushed skulls. But she lived on an isolated farm and spent her entire life lifting weights. She was a pure, unadulterated virgin.
The Adamantine Pillar twitched.
"It's moving!" Ton-Ka shrieked.
Pure panic overrode her martial training. She scrambled off my face, flailing wildly. "He has a hidden weapon! A flesh-spear! It's growing out of his core!"
She didn't just back away. She turned and sprinted. She ran straight to the edge of the arena, leaped over the ropes, and disappeared into the spectator stands, screaming for her Sect Elders to protect her from the corrupted peasant.
I lay flat on my back, gasping for fresh air. The sun blinded me.
The arena was dead silent. Nobody knew what had just happened. They just saw the Amazonian warrior pin me, freeze in terror, and flee the stadium.
Magistrate Chen stared at the empty space where Ton-Ka had been. He looked down at me.
"Ring out," Chen muttered into the silence. "Winner... He Lu."
I didn't stand up to celebrate. I immediately rolled over onto my stomach, pressing my hips flat against the cool jade tiles. The power-up was still raging. If I stood up right now, the entire Jade Water Sect would see exactly what kind of "artifact" I was hiding.
"I claim victory!" I yelled into the floorboards. "Give me five minutes to meditate on this win! Nobody look at me!"
Up in the VIP box, Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan slowly stood up. Her icy blue eyes tracked my prone figure on the floor. She saw the frantic, desperate way I was hiding my lower half.
A bright, vibrant red flush crept up her neck. A wisp of steam curled from her collar. She knew exactly what weapon had just won the match.
The tournament was mine to lose. And my blood pressure was dangerously focused in one single meridian.