Sanna commanded her soldiers with authority, but it was the first time she'd turned that tone on me. Something about it was oddly comforting. It was a relief to take orders from someone I knew respected me.
When I sat on the edge of my cot, she said, "Two healings in ten minutes. You're lucky you were able to fully heal both of them."
"How long have I been out?" I asked, feeling more like a little girl than I'd felt in years.
"Two hours like clockwork," she said, kneeling in front of me.
"What's happened?" I asked.
She shuttered her face closed of any expression, and I knew there was something she was hiding from me. "That's a better question for you than me."
"Cisco told me he told you the truth — that he was helping me overthrow Baruuk."
Sanna quirked her eyebrow. "And that brought you here?"
I crossed my arms, suddenly self-conscious and wanting to hide. "I wanted to know I would have your support when I overtook him."
Sanna smiled faintly, which immediately loosened the knot in my stomach. "I appreciate your faith in me. However..." Sanna grimaced. "I wouldn't have supported you."
Pain shot through my chest. I had somehow deluded myself into believing Sanna and I were friends, and the realization that our "friendship" was completely one-sided hurt.
"If you tried this a few years from now, you would have had my full support. But right now, you're not ready."
I sunk into my seat, feeling no larger than an ant to be crushed under Sanna's boot. "You don't think so?" She shook her head and looked at me like I should have known this already.
"You're powerful, and you've done a lot of good within our ranks. You've already improved our training regimens and have perpetuated that throughout the entire military. You're an excellent leader whom your legion respects." I could feel there was a 'but' coming and knew it would sting. "But at this point, you let Baruuk pull the strings like you're his puppet."
My fingers clutched the edge of my cot.
Sanna leaned in and looked up into my face when I wouldn't meet her gaze. "You are everything, Lura. You are strong but gentle when appropriate. You are brilliant, but you don't announce it to the world. You speak with authority but you listen twice as much as you speak. You are decisive yet consider all of the facts before deciding your next move."
My heart fluttered at her kind words — she said them so fervently that I almost believed her.
"I won't pretend to understand everything you've been through, but trust me when I say that you outgrew Baruuk long ago. Defying his wishes would be dangerous for him. You're not useful to him if he's dead. Please, please, take care of yourself."
Sanna's stoic demeanor shifted as she spoke. When she asked me to take care of myself, she was pleading, not just asking.
"Cisco told me about your sister." Tears threatened as I felt the pain of someone ripping off my skin and exposing my bones. Now that she knew me as the wounded little girl Baruuk had raised not to fight back, she would never respect me again. The weakness in me Baruuk had tried to blot out was rotting me from within. Sanna placed her gloved hand on mine, and her gaze softened. "You don't have to do this alone."
Her words made the dissection she was doing to me less painful. "I know what I'm capable of." I took a shark breath in. "So why haven't I had the courage to do it?"
Sanna's grip on my hand tightened. "Because you still feel like a child in his presence, and you're being manipulated by your abuser."
There was that word again. Cisco had inferred just days earlier that the way Baruuk had treated me was abuse, but it felt wrong to believe that when he'd done so much worse to Hetty. But I respected Cisco and Sanna more than anyone else. They couldn't both be wrong.
Tears flooded my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. "When I see my sister... I can barely look her in the eyes... because I'm afraid to lose her... but I'm afraid to lose him, too."
I buried my face in my hands and sobbed, a deep, aching unbridled sadness pouring out of me. There. I had admitted it. I cared about the man who tortured my sister, and made my life a living nightmare. And I didn't want to kill him.
"How messed up is that?" I sobbed.
Sanna's gentle grip was a constant on my hand as my tears ran dry. When I found the courage to lift my face from my palms and look her in the eye, her harsh exterior had vanished, and a girl not much older than me stared back at me, empathy plain to see on her face. "You need to kill him. That's the only way you'll be able to move on."
Somehow I doubted that. I couldn't imagine Baruuk's vice grip on my heart and mind would die with him. Cisco was right — not all wounds were visible. I feared my heart was scarred beyond recognition, like it couldn't even be recognizable as a heart if someone cut me open.
But Sanna was right. I had to kill Baruuk. Maybe I would find a measure of healing in the action. I could use anything life gave me in that department.
"You're right," I breathed.
Sanna gave my hand a final squeeze before standing. She pulled from within her pocket a folded up letter. "As acting Grand General, I took the liberty of reading it."
I unfolded the letter carefully and poured over it.
"Lura. You are suspended as Grand General until further notice. I have appointed General Sanna Poplar as acting Grand General in your absence. I don't think I need to explain why."
My heart plummeted to my toes. How had Baruuk found out already? We were a two -day journey from the palace and the truth had only come out hours ago. It was terrifying to think that Baruuk already had some idea of what we'd planned to do when I didn't know how.
I felt an immediate sense of relief as the title of Grand General passed to Sanna, but also loss. Who was I, if I wasn't my achievements? Who was I if I was not Grand General? This was the path Baruuk had set before me, and I'd chased it doggedly.
I didn't know who I was without my position. But it felt good to not have an entire army to command. The weight of that responsiblity was one I juggled smoothly, but I breathed easier being able to toss it to someone else. I continued reading.
"Our alliance with Espazota is over. King Darius sent word of Cisco's true intentions in visiting when he didn't return to his father when expected. He is demanding I return his son to him, and I am eager to comply.
"We will be fine without Espazota, but the greatest benefit will be getting you away from that wretch of a crown prince. I warned you he had set his sights on you, and you didn't listen. Well, you will never see him again, not even in battle. That is why you will not be serving as Grand General. A war is sure to follow these chain of events, and I can't risk you swaying the fight in Espazota's favor.
"You will return home to serve your punishment and scrub that boy from your mind and heart. Your last act as Grand General will be to deliver Cisco-Zabriel to Bedrock Fortress. His father will meet you there."
Baruuk signed his name with a flourish. I set the paper down on my lap, questions flooding my mind. He should have been livid with me, but this letter made it sound like he had sympathy for me.
Of course he understood me better than I understood myself. But I was learning more and more about myself by the minute. I was right to trust Cisco. Baruuk was the untrustworthy one. I couldn't allow his letter to lure me into a fasle sense of security.
Punishment would surely come. His blows may feel more like a caress, and the damage would be that I'd fall for his manipulations even deeper than before. That is, if I didn't remember who I was dealing with. But I knew now, and I would never forget.
The important thing was that Cisco would be delivered safely to Espazota. I could endure the harshest criticism or the gentlest persuasions, as long as Cisco survived to live a long life back in Espazota.
I felt his absence already. There was a lifetime of jokes, misadventures, secrets, dreams, and shared memories between us. Where would that all go if we never saw each other again? Sanna didn't seem confident in my ability to overthrow Baruuk, and now that Baruuk knew of my plans, he would never let me out of his sight again.
I could live another lifetime without Cisco, and I'd still feel the pain of his loss even then.
It took every scrap of strength and dignity I had to look Sanna in the eyes, and say, "Tell everyone we move out at dawn. We're bringing Cisco home."
Sanna did me the courtesy of holding her fist to her chest in salute. It was generous of her, considering she owed me no reverence or respect as acting Grand General.
"I'll take care of our soldiers until you return." When she stood, she looked down at me as if I were a child. "There's no point in restricting you. You could slaughter us all in one night if you chose. You're free to roam the camp, but Prince Cisco will be under arrest and strictly off limits."
I pulled my wool blanket over my legs and sighed. "I'll stay here," I said. "You don't need me, and the shift in power may confuse people. It's best if I just stay out of your way."
Sanna crossed her arms. "As long as you promise not to wallow." I nodded silently, but that wasn't enough of a response for her. "You're not allowed to wallow," Sanna said, her voice stern. "That's an order, soldier."
It was a stern order, but somehow it had me smiling despite the gloom within me. "Yes, ma'am!" I called. She offered me a small smile and exited the tent, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Despite her order, I would most definitely wallow.