As soon as light and sound began filtering through the darkness, the pain did as well.
I'd nearly killed Cisco. The fact that I fell unconscious was proof that he'd survived, but I would never forget what I did to him. I was what Baruuk made me, but with Cisco I was always different. I should have never allowed my temper and fear and hurt to cause me to raise my hand against him. I couldn't blame Baruuk for my actions. That reality would haunt me for years to come.
There was someone seated beside me. Their shadow fell across my face. When I cracked my eyes open, I thought I was hallucinating. Cisco bent over me, whole and unbroken, a small smile playing on his lips. It wasn't a flirtatious falsehood, though. It wasn't a pretense. There was weight behind it that settled on me like a warm blanket.
"You stayed." My voice broke as I said it. I would have expected him to flee the camp on Thunder's back. You don't just walk away from an enemy military camp after admitting in front of the whole camp you intended to overthrow their king.
His eyes flickered with sizzling emotion and he brushed my knuckles against his lips. The gentle stroke of his lips against my skin sent goosebumps skittering across my skin. "You can't get rid of me that easily."
"You should be long gone," I said as I pushed myself up. My arms were on the verge of collapse, but it had become instinct to hide my weaknesses from others long ago. "How are you not in chains? Or dead?"
Cisco gave me the side-eye, like I should know that was ridiculous. "Sanna isn't the tyrant that you are."
I narrowed my eyes. "She is every bit the tyrant that I am." There was a canteen beside my cot, and the cool water within hydrated my parched throat. "What happened?"
Cisco's smile fell away, and an immediate pang of fear shot through me. That was the look of someone who had done something I wouldn't be happy about. "I had to explain to Sanna the truth."
Fear morphing into dread. "What truth?"
"The truth of what has happened since I returned to Calidonica." My jaw fell open. Sanna was a trustworthy general, and at times I considered her something akin to a friend. She was the one I planned to turn to with my plans to overthrow Baruuk, but there were truths I wanted to conceal from everyone but Cisco.
"I told her everything. The mission my father gave me, Baruuk's cruelty, my desire to save you, your desire to save yourself." I drew my knees to my chest. I wanted to be angry with Cisco, but I was exhausted of the feelings of anger and betrayal I'd fostered toward him. There had to be a better way to resolve conflict than yelling matches and sword fights.
"Did you tell her about Hetty?" The few people who knew about Hetty and had tried to help when I was younger all ended up dead. As a result I hadn't told anyone about her in years.
Cisco glanced down at our clasped hands. "I know it was an overstep."
"It was." Cisco's gaze met mine. I looked at him pointedly, but that was the only indication I gave that I was angry. In a way it was a relief. "Don't tell anyone else."
Cisco placed a hand on his chest. "I swear I will tell no one you don't want me to," he said. Then he turned that achingly tender look onto me that made it feel like a bird was about to take flight within my chest. "I will ask that I have permission to tell one person."
He had the look in his eyes he always had when he had a plan. "Who?"
He made me wait for the answer, as if he were afraid of my response. He cupped my hand in both of his and held it in front of his lips. I knew by the look in his eyes that he already knew I wouldn't like his answer. "My father."
"What?" I snatched my hand away from him. "Your father is a better man than Baruuk, but he's still —"
Cisco wasn't surprised. "A king. I had a feeling you would have a hard time trusting an enemy king."
"Why?" I asked, convinced there was no explanation he could give that could convince me.
Cisco leaned back on his heels — he'd been kneeling by my cot in the grass the whole time. "Baruuk will declare war once he finds out." He didn't need to specify that he meant our secret plans. Word would get to Baruuk no matter how hard I tried to stifle it. Certain truths were as stubborn as weeds to kill. His brow crumpled and he dragged a hand down his face. "I'll be lucky if I make it out of Calidonica alive."
"I would never allow you not to," I whispered, knowing my immeasurable power may not even be enough to outrun Baruuk's manipulations.
Cisco drummed his fingers on the edge of my cot and frowned. "Don't worry about me. I'm resilient." But he didn't seem confident in that fact.
It was my own fault. I was the one who tore through the camp screaming about his betrayal. I was usually so much better at considering the consequences of my actions beforehand. My feelings for Cisco had completely blinded me to reason. What else would slip through the cracks before he could escape to Espazota?
The truth was, Baruuk was an omnipotent force in Calidonica. His influence was great — far greater than my own. Even with my immeasurable power, I still may not be able to carve a safe passage out of Calidonica for Cisco. Certainly since he hadn't escaped already. I wouldn't be surprised if there were guards stationed outside my tent, ready to wrangle Cisco into shackles if he stepped out of line.
"We will be at war once I return. If I return." His gaze fell to the ground. "If I survive, Father will force me to lead the battle against you. We'll be forced to plot each other's death, Lura." Slowly he found it in himself to meet my gaze. "I will refuse, but without a reasonable excuse —" His eyes cut to the side, but I cupped his face and turned it toward mine.
"Your father will not be pleased with you." I had never seen such fear in him — such sadness. What had all of this cost him? His failure to break the alliance, his refusal to kill or recruit me, his completely rash decision to help me overthrow Baruuk — he'd done all of these things knowing that there would be consequences. But what were the consequences?
He placed his large hand over my smaller hand, his skin warm. "No, he won't."
Tears prickled the corners of my eyes, but I refused to let him see me cry. He would immediately comfort me, and this discussion was no longer about me or us. It was about him.
"What did helping me cost you?"
"Hopefully nothing," he said, though his scowl said he was already envisioning some gruesome consequences. "If this alliance with Vydon sticks, that should appease him."
"Is he — is he like Baruuk?" I asked under my breath, fearing he'd been suffering as much as I had all his life. I would never forgive myself if I had been so blind.
Cisco shook his head. "No. Nothing like Baruuk."
I exhaled my fear, but some still lingered within me. "What will happen when he finds out?"
"Nothing awful," he said, cupping my hand in both of his. "Long-winded lectures about how he's counting on me to preserve the Barbarosa legacy."
He rolled his eyes and grinned like he knew he sounded like a jerk boasting about legacy, but I knew he had a tendency to mask discomfort with humor. That sounded like a lot of pressure, especially considering he was an only child who had no support from any family aside from his cousins, who had nowhere near as much influence as he and his father did.
"Has your father really been such a great king?" I asked. He was by far the most diplomatic of the sovereigns of Novalya, but I knew nothing of Espazota's previous sovereigns. All I knew was that before Cisco or I were born, Baruuk helped Darius overthrow the previous king.
Cisco shrugged. "In a lot of ways, he has. The previous king was a lot like Thor — not as evil as they came, but completely incompetent. My father was his closest advisor. He fought his way up the social ladder from pauper to right hand to the king with my mother at his side. He had no military to support him, though. But Baruuk saw potential in him. He saw someone who could benefit not only Espazota, but Calidonica as well. The previous king had done a number on Calidonica during his time on the throne.
"When he ascended the throne, he swore he would polish Espazota until it shined like a jewel. He knew what it was like to live in the dirt, and he didn't want that for the next generation." Cisco scratched his head. "However as he sharpened his military acuity, his means became... questionable." I could practically see the reflection of the Bethidian villages burning in his eyes. "He always said the means justified the ends, but that wasn't what my mother taught me."
Darkness engulfed him at the mention of his mother. I'd only met her once before she died when Cisco was eight, but she was memorable. She was stunning, with long, ink-black curls and flawless copper skin. She was the picture of elegance and kindness. She'd even stood up for me when my nanny was mistreating me and gave me all of the toys she brought for Cisco because I had none. I would have never suspected when I met her that she had climbed the social ladder along with her husband, other than the air of humility that surrounded her.
"No matter how warped his justification of the means became, my mother supported him, not out of fear, but out of deep devotion. But she made sure to raise me to think for myself — to question and challenge my father at every step so that we could ensure he remained the honest and honorable man she fell in love with. However once she died —"
Cisco stopped speaking as his voice caught on unspoken emotion.
"Once she died I didn't want to risk doing anything that would alienate him. I missed my mother desperately, and I couldn't stand the look of disapproval he gave me when I questioned him. I needed his love. But his approval needed to be earned, and often I felt that his love did also."
I thought of the emptiness I felt where my mother's presence in my life once occupied. It was a terrible thing to lose a mother at a young age. At the time of his mother's death I'd tried to comfort him, but he always insisted he was fine. When I'd push the issue, he'd whip out a wooden sword or another toy to distract from the grief he was hiding. At the time I didn't understand the nuances of grief. I barely understood my own grief.
"I am his only child. Therefore I bear the brunt of his expectations, though Zanth has felt the pressure at times as well."
Cisco's cousin was a mystery to me. He loved her and her sister dearly, but I prayed they supported him as much as he supported them. He'd always spoken highly of them, but I didn't know either of them personally.
Cisco was the type of person whose confidence in you was unshakable once you'd earned his respect, regardless of whether you deserved it in the long run. I didn't deserve half of the respect he gave me. Even after beating him to within an inch of his life he still believed in me. His fierce loyalty was one of his more admirable qualities, but I feared it would cost him in the long run.
True loyalty was one of the most beautiful gifts you could give to a person. I'd always believed that. But in Novalya, it always came at a cost. My loyalty to Hetty was my greatest weakness.
"I'm sure you've experienced the same from Baruuk."
That among many other things. All of Baruuk's expectations were held over me with varying degrees of weight — whether I could catch them when they fell depended on how strong my mental armor was. When I locked away my own desires, it was easier to focus on juggling Baruuk's expectations when they came crashing down on me.
"Will you be okay?" I asked.
Cisco smiled sadly. "I'll be fine. It's just —" he rubbed the back of his neck. "A lot."
"How can I help?"
Cisco shook his head. "There's nothing you can do. It's my burden to bear."
"And Baruuk is my burden to bear. Alone."
All of the tension in Cisco's face melted and he cradled my head in his hands. "I wish I could help."
"Facing Baruuk is something I need to do alone," I said, trying to mask the tremble in my voice. "I need to learn to stand up for myself and to finally protect Hetty the way I should have long ago." My brow bent, though I tried desperately to hold back my tears. "I have failed her." Cisco brushed away one of my tears with his thumb. "That fact will haunt me until I reach the grave. She may never want to see me again once I free her. And I wouldn't blame her. But she deserves it for all the trouble I've caused her."
Cisco pressed his forehead to mine. "You're doing your best."
"We're both doing our best," I assured him. "Tell your father whatever you need to."
Just then, Sanna parted the curtains that served as a partition between my sleeping quarters and my office.
"Prince Cisco-Zabriel." Cisco looked over his shoulder at Sanna, who looked like she was not in a sentimental mood. "It's time for you to come with me."
I swung my feet off the side of my cot and stood on trembling legs. I desperately needed a full meal to regain my strength, but I was willing to go down fighting to save Cisco, no matter how easily I could be beaten. Even my powers of mental manipulation were weakened when I first woke from a healing induced slumber.
"Where are you taking him?"
Sanna's frown deepened. "We need to speak," she said to me. "Privately," she said to Cisco. Cisco nodded once and stepped out of my sleeping quarters. He didn't offer me any reassurances. Maybe there was none to offer, because the situation was that dire.
Sanna stepped further into my quarters, the curtains closing behind her. "Sit down, Lura," she said, in a commanding way I had never heard before. "We need to talk."