Before Cisco returned to Calidonica not even a week earlier, I hadn't cried in years. Internally I was constantly screaming — in anger, in anguish, out of sorrow — but I kept it carefully contained within myself. Now it felt like all I did was cry.
Unraveling myself turned out to be as white hot as a painful burn. Lightning radiated from my chest and shot down my extremities as I unravelled like a spool of ribbon coming undone.
I passed the day laying in my cot, wallowing, even though Sanna ordered me not to. The tears came in waves. Sometimes they raged, their current as strong as the Great River. At other times they trickled like a stream in the heat of a dry summer.
My thoughts spiraled, careening from one sore point to the next. I was no longer Grand General. I may never see Cisco again. And worst of all, Hetty was sure to be punished without mercy for my failed act of rebellion.
Eventually, though, my mind exhausted itself of that painful ricochet and I was left feeling nothing at all. I was just a cup for Baruuk to either fill until I overflowed or scatter my contents on the ground, and I'd never felt so empty.
At one point Sanna stuck her head into my quarters to see me laying on my side on my cot, my arm dangling off the edge. I stared vacantly at the curtain in front of me, unfeeling and unmoving.
"What did I say about wallowing?" she asked, eyes narrow.
"What do you want?" I groaned.
Sanna stepped fully into the tent. "Willum is ready to finalize his negotiations, but he won't negotiate with me — only you."
"Torture him further until he breaks," I moaned. There was almost nothing that could convince me to move from my cot.
Sanna ripped my blanket off of me so fast I hardly registered it until I no longer felt the blanket's warmth. "You. Are not. Allowed. To break. On me." She forcibly grabbed my arms and pulled me to a seated position.
"I'm not broken," I sputtered, even though it was a blatant lie.
"You will not let Baruuk beat you." She shook me, and that knocked some sense into me. "You have a job to do. Your people are depending on you to keep Baruuk in check, even from the palace."
At the moment I didn't feel capable of resisting. I could barely keep myself upright.
"Don't make me pull the Grand General card," she threatened. There was a cutthroat look in her eyes that rattled even me. "You need to see these negotiations through to the end, not for Baruuk, but for the soldiers inside Quantum Fortress."
Her words cleared the fog in my brain. I had been so focused on what was going on inside my head, that I hadn't thought of anyone else. We were still in the middle of a vital mission. Baruuk may have been willing to risk their lives, but I was not.
"I'll get dressed. Bring him to me," I said.
Sanna stared at me, searching for something, but I wasn't sure what. She shook me one final time, gently, and then released me. "He'll be here in a quarter hour. Be ready."
Once she left I splashed water on my face, ran my fingers through my hair, and changed into a fresh uniform. Those three things made me feel much closer to being human.
Once Willum sat in the chair opposite me, across my desk, he said, "This is the type of civil discussions I'd hoped for when I came here." He wore a light grin that wasn't meant to be kind.
"What you said was true," I said, my hands interlaced on my desk. "Prince Cisco-Zabriel admitted to forming an alliance with Vydon." With great hesitation, I said, "Thank you."
Willum grimaced, the freckles on his nose shifting as he scrunched his nose. "I honestly hope the alliance falls through. I hear Cisco is almost as evil as my sister."
I considered carefully what to say. I had a feeling my words would hold great weight with Willum. "I notice you didn't compare him to me. You think I'm not as evil as either of them?"
Willum narrowed his eyes. "I've always had the impression that everything you do is for a reason."
I frowned, offended for some reason that he didn't believe me to be evil. I'd put so much effort into coming across as the ultimate villain in Novalya. Had all my efforts been wasted? "You don't think Sharlot and Cisco have reasons behind all their actions?"
Willum crossed his arms. "Sharlot never grew up. She's thirty years old and still making rash decisions as if she's a teenager. Like, for instance, marching deep into Calidonica to intimidate Baruuk into negotiations. There were so many tactical errors in her plan. Even I can see that."
I shrugged, not objecting. He was absolutely right. But that was what made Sharlot dangerous. She was a wildcard. It was hard to predict her next move because her actions often defied logic. For all of her careful manipulations of her economy, sometimes she couldn't help but greedily race into action to take what she felt was hers.
"You're right. Her plan was doomed from the start," I said. "But it did work in her favor. You now have an alliance with Espazota, and their scholars are the best in Novalya."
"I've heard good things about King Darius. He balances cold logic with friendly relations. I have no doubt he could act with impunity against us if Sharlot backstabs him, but I think the risks are worth it. I have never felt so optimistic about Novalya's future."
I leaned closer to Willum, and he leaned closer to me. "How did you learn about the Before Times?"
My curiosity was piqued, though I didn't know if I could believe everything he'd told me. The past was shrouded in mysticism. It was hard to believe in gods, but the people did. If I was going to rule Calidonica, I needed to know what was at the core of their drive to survive. The people's beliefs seemed to give them hope of a brighter future — even their belief in me as a goddess born from the stars.
If I could harness some of that hope to encourage them to take action against Baruuk, maybe we could make real change in Calidonica. The thought of perpetuating the belief that I was a goddess was revolting, but if it helped bolster the people, maybe I should lean into that.
As I considered it, I realized that was exactly the type of manipulations Baruuk would involve himself in. However, while he'd stifled the people's hope completely, I hoped to use it to my advantage. The realization made me shudder. My first instinct was to use Baruuk's tactics to manipulate the people. But his tactics were effective.
"Have you ever wondered why people worship you, Lura?" Willum asked, eyes narrowed. He was ready to weigh my response on the scales of his sense of morality. I had purposely avoided learning the truth of why the people's belief in me as a goddess was as hard to kill as a stubborn weed. No matter how Baruuk stifled them, temples and shrines always cropped up.
"Why do they worship me?" I asked, mentally preparing myself for the answer.
"They believe you were born to pave the way for the gods' return to Novalya."
My eyebrows shot into my hairline. "If that is my purpose, I am wholly unaware of this."
"Not all of those chosen by Mother Asdis understand their true purpose until it is revealed to them." A look of fervor lit up Willum's face, and I realized that this was not a detached commentary of our people's belief system. He was a believer, too.
"Where are the gods supposed to return from?" I tried to hide the skepticism in my tone.
Willum quickly and quietly pulled a small black book from his pocket no bigger than his palm. The words "Prayers of the Lowly" were embossed on the cover and spine in gold letters. Willum slid it across my desk.
"Take this. See for yourself if you become a believer after reading it," he said, reverently. It was the same look I'd seen in the old beggar's eyes when he'd asked me to spare his son from death in battle. "Don't let anyone catch it on you," he whispered. "That book is banned in Calidonica. If someone catches you with it, they'll destroy it."
"As if I would let them," I said, running my thumb over the gold lettering. The cover was rough and worn from years of use. I tucked the book into my pocket. "Now, let's begin negotiations." Willum nodded eagerly. "I will send you home with a horseless carriage, or a car as you call it, and your body unbroken. We will agree not to attack Vydon for six months, unless attacked first as a thank you for informing me of your alliance with Espazota. And we will provide safe passage for your soldiers out of Calidonica if Sharlot walks away from Quantum Fortress without harming our soldiers further."
Willum offered his hand. "It's a deal." I took his, and he cringed when I squeezed it too hard. "I'll have a contract drawn up."
Half an hour later, a contract outlining our terms laid on the desk between us and we both signed it. "Good luck," I told Willum as he left my tent for the car that would return him to his queen. "I hope your dreams for ice crystals come true."
Willum nodded, light flickering in his eyes.
"And Willum," I said, stopping him before he could leave. "Cisco is the best man I know." This seemed to take Willum off guard. "He and his father are worthy allies. But don't let your sister take advantage of him, or you'll have me to answer to."
I promised myself that if Cisco was ever in need, I'd defy any forces working against me to aid him. No matter whether there was a closed border between us, armed guards watching my every move, or a bloody battlefield between us, I would find my way to him if he needed me.
"I'll try my best," he said with a small smile, then left the tent.