I am bored. Time for the ultimate go fuck yourself move. I do a teleport storm of slitting throats and stabbing through hearts at the speed of sound. Within a minute, everyone is dead in this stupid hallway.
Let's rock. I teleport to the giant hallway doors to what I assume is the throne room. And I cut that shit to pieces. Then I kick a few chunks aside as they fall before me. Then I walk through the slowly pieces because I am like the Flash, yo. I move so fast, that reality is slow to me sometimes.
As I get through, I see it is indeed the throne room. Praise the Gods. There is some fucking regal fucks hiding behind a few epic Guards. Oh no, I shot them dead with a fucking missile. They explode into fucking pieces cause I'm not playing games anymore. I don't ask questions, I just shoot fuckers to death. Bang bang, everyone is dead.
Then I use my black card to fucking teleport back home. Confirm my mission is done. Anddddd I got paid. Nice. Let's celebrate by watching the news and see how they feel about me.
I turn on Channel 404, the Unknown News Channel for all interdimensional news. There's a hot purple chick with no breasts, but a Zoidberg mouth. Nice face though. Reminds me of a femboy.
"This just in. Douchebag Merc Jacob Deatrix merc'd a medieval monarchy with guns. Breaking the immersion of the planet and forcibly introducing them to the reality of multiple dimensions. He is to be fined only due to being a legal interdimensional adventurer. So in response, I have hired a hitman to kill him." Newscaster Lady rants angrily.
Woah. That's a new one. I didn't the news lady to do that. I laugh at that.
Suddenly a 10 foot tall, extremely buff humanoid alien rocking futuristic battle armor and wielding a laser rifle beams himself into my room, Star Trek style. Fuck, I had a bong in my hand. I'm not ready. Well, I'm kind of ready. I have my gear on still.
"Jacob Deatrix. I am Omnsilor SigmaPrime Data 69420. Prepare for death." He says with calm malice.
We open fire on each other. My bong gets melted. As does my pistols. Fucking douche. He's unlucky though. That means we go to level 2 combat. I rely on magic and swords now. I continue by assaulting him with wind blades as I fucking stand up and draw my black katana. He activates a bubble shield, what a bitch.
I pull out my lightning blade, a fucking khopesh for some reason that I stole from a Egyptian dude's corpse. It's bright blue. Anyway, I fucking cut through it using an amplified lightning slash. His shield erupts like it's fucking Borderlands and knocks me back through a wall as it breaks.
As always, I am so anime I throw a Wind Blade at him as I fly away and it cuts through his armor. Drawing lots of blood cause I'm awesome.
I end up in my neighbor's apartment. I growl angrily at the bills I'm about to pay. I walk out the room, throw a black card at their apartment. And pay for instant magic repairs. It's literally finished within a second like we're in a videogame and we reloaded the save.
Anyway, I walk back through my front door, where I find he's gone. Blood is being cleaned up by the magic. Based.
I am bored and not high enough. So I decide to text my friends while smoking weed.
Me: Hey guys i just finished a job and got jumped he ran off like a bitch lol
August C.: Ya know that was a warlord right? Hes probably calling backup
Me: fuckkkkkk they were advanced af though anyone else want free laser rifles and stuff
Chelsea T: Grab me like five of them
Me: Come help otherwise you only get one out of friendship
Chelsea T: sure im bored lol
August C: youre as bad as him you dont care about trouble cause youre both dumb anime meatheads thank god youre op or else you wouldve died by now both of you
Chelsea T: let me know when they show when/if they show up ill teleport in
Me: gotcha bro appreciated regardless fam
Anyway yall do anything cool today
Chelsea T: no prob and i just gave my phone number lets see if he replies after learning about me you know how it is being famous they learn everything about you within an hour and right now he is ignoring my text which was me showing off a new outfit
Lucius D: are you sure hes not fucking gay?
Chelsea T: he did say he was bisexual but im like a bit of both im a skinny buff girl tomboys are awesome lol
August C: are you claiming genderfluid now lol
Chelsea T: no im just saying that i appeal to both sexes as both kinds based on being strong and a woman
Suddenly I see a thick beam of light outside my apartment. I step over to my window, and see there is a space battleship in the sky dropping off troops. I start casually shooting Wind Blades at them with my mind mainly while texting still.
Me: hey chelsea a battleship showed up at my apartment you still down to fight?
Chelsea T: hell yeah i am bro
Lucius D: dont my girl killed bro we will like box if she dies make sure you dont get lazy f@gget
Me: i wont lol and chelsea is epic shes carrying her own load if youre scared for help come help
Lucius D: fine maybe i will im with her anyway
They teleport inside my apartment using pink beams of light through my bathroom mirror, richocheting another mirror I set up in there ahead of time so they don't have to spawn in my fucking bathroom.
They're both epic, rocking their combat gear. Chelsea looks like a archer with a giant fucking sword. Lucius just looks like a satanist fuckboy, rocking a red and black business suit with no tie. Like he's a off duty business man partying. He uses his magic which is fueled by his incubus lifestyle cause he's a fucking weird pervert mage.
"Let's rock, they're bitches." I say with gleeful malice.