I am literally at my wit's end on what to achieve. Everything as always is below or above me. I barely deal with any social issue unless a superior being tries to take me over or something. Otherwise, I am just chilling as an Adventurer and Merc. Social issues could concern me, but it feels very tyrannical of myself to insist on morality across the unimensions. Plus how do I manage it? Even one planet is enough of a distraction. Let alone a dimension or 5.
What do I do as a bored adventurer? I am at a pinnacle as a planet destroyer. With the right sword, anyway. My fights feel like card game jokes. Mind control level 9 beaten by level 99 and unlimited mana? It's a anime joke to me. What should I do? Get a desk job? Bigger joke, I just retire. I have the funds for at least a hundred years of relaxation.
In fact, why not? I'm gonna take a break and think about it. ... Like now, lol. Anyway, I could train people to replace me. It's always a fun idea to make sure there are those to surpass me and take on my responsibilities. Which is just kick ass and chew bubblegum. I don't have any real responsibilities like an adventurer as myself maybe should.
Should I apply to protect something again? Ugh, those were trouble. But a fun random battle generator. Let's put out the application on the Merc site.
Jacob Deatrix, Guardian of
I, Jacob Deatrix, epic warrior of great renown, am putting up my favorite kind of job offer. The Guardian job. Where I protect a room or rooms of importance for you in exchange for a fee. 100,000 credits a month.
Meanwhile, I return to pouting and thinking fondly of my new future adventures as a security guard or guardian or whatever we call it this time. This adventure model has generated a lot of good and bad for me as a Merc. But it's very useful for the whole "Don't ask questions, just do your job" vibe security guards are supposed to have.
I'm feeling like a religious vibe this time, so I'm hoping to guard a ancient beast or something. Maybe something like final fantasy 10. That'd be fun.
I play videogames to pass the time. They inspire memories of the past as a Merc. And make me wonder why I keep doing this. I should bail for sure. The Adventurer admits sometimes I'm traumatized. And chasing a high that is power. Why seek power? It's a craving of sheer manliness. And I only feel it achieved when I win a fight. Even if my fights are absurd now, they are still fun. Therefore, I will still do it.
I know what to do meanwhile! Tournament! I enter the nearest tournament, on another planet. I teleport there when it's time for my fight. Right into the ring. It's a stone platform for a ring surrounded by a decent crowd. Ten thousand people, nice, nice. Mix of humans and aliens, mainly humans. My opponent uses a whip.
"Hah. Whip. What a poser." I taunt smugly.
I teleport behind him, and sweep his feet out from under him with a low kick. Then heel kick him with the same foot in the back as he falls. And send him flying out the ring. That was the match!?
"I'M SO BORED!" I yell furiously.
"Would you do another fight with a handicap? Bonus moneyyyyy!" Announcer asks happily.
"YES!" I yell angrily.
"Drink up, champ!" Announcer yells happily.
He throws a black bottle with a skull on it to me. I catch it, and drink it all. Now I'm drunk and poisoned, which is just acid to me. Huzzahhhhh. I don't even leave the ring, it just starts up again.
"Lightning Round for the drunken champion, bring on our Hayabusa Fighting Bot! Super Champ early cause fuck it! The current champion hasn't beaten this machine yet!" Announcer says with drunken glee.
"I will beat it high!" I yell, arrogant and bored.
I fucking like, do a sick flip, teleport mid flip, and slam my heels into the top of the Giant Bot's skull. Caving it in. Then I decide to try a cartoon move. I tap dance and stomp it to death from atop its skull, until it is just a flat pile of steel and wires. Everyone cries of sheer disappointment.
"Jacob bro, you used to be cool. What happened? Why are you so lame today?" Announcer says sadly.
"Because I'm too good." I say bitterly. "Make sure to pay me." I say seriously.
I teleport away, get paid five minutes later. Huzzah. I am STILL BORED! I think I am having one of those psychological episodes over being an overpowered demigod of war and destruction. What if I challenged myself in a new way? Like... get a job? Sure, why not? Let's do Aimless Merc the Part Timer. Two ways. I add in this line on my new job:
I will be willing to do a job on the premises in addition to being a security guard.
And I put out applications for jobs like, fucking everywhere. With Indeed, cause I'm lazy. I chill for three days, get a job at a Dollar General. It's fine, everything was going fine. Until they tried to rob me! I snap his neck, get fired and nearly arrested for murdering a man. I avoid it thanks to the fact I didn't live in that dimension, I made sure to apply to jobs I could teleport away from.
Ugh, it was fun until that happened. Maybe I should run my own store? Eh, too much socializing as the cashier. Maybe I'll be the Owner though? Which invents just doing the Adventurer business and owning a storehouse for goods. Which I've done before honestly, I do it with ebay now.
I get an offer to be a bodyguard of an entire experimental cafe. The experiment is making the place be run by celebrities of various kinds. And I will be the celebrity security guard.
I agree cause I'm bored! Yayyyyy! Next, we're there! It's a chill day honestly. For five minutes. Then in walks Henry Sheeves, my bro from another dimension!
"Hey, what's up bro?" I ask warmly.
"Not good news today, Jacob. That dimension is demanding I serve you this paperwork to pursue a court case against you. And make you pay fines for that man's death at bare minimum." Henry says seriously.
"Ah, that's fucking lame. I will probably pay the fines begrudgingly." I say, annoyed.
"Thank you." Henry says warmly.
He leaves shortly afterwards. He's not an Adventurer, he just does his lawyer gig across the unimensions. Very cool of him.
Anyway, we now have shitty times as this has evolved into being a live drama show. Apparently we are doing shit like camera footage through the security cameras and confessional camera times. Which is just dreadful. My first confessional I just admit I got served for a case in another dimension, and the Director talks to me afterwards.
"Alright Jacob, that was nice of you to admit. Please avoid killing anyone while you work here. Promise me, we're all celebrities here." Director Stanley says politely, and serious.
I give him a thumbs up.
"I promise there won't be any dead bodies." I say happily.