I wake up with a headache. The light of our room is too damn bright. My mouth is dry. And I had a dream... about... nursing a baby fish girl. She was crying and I was trying to calm her down and then Llywelyn was panicking because he didn't know what to do to help. And then the baby fish was sitting up and talking like a lawyer and I...
I have no idea what the hell that means.
I groan and turn over, reaching for the water I keep by my bed. My finds nothing.
Eh?
I startle and jerk awake properly. That's right. I'm not at ho-
I'm not on that moon.
I'm on a ship. In space. And I...
I fell asleep in the lounge.
I squeeze my eyes shut. Oh god. What the hell. What happened last night?
I remember... drinking. And talking to Llywelyn. And then... I don't know. It's all blurry. But I don't think he left me there, right?
Right?
I open my eyes again, and look around. I'm in a bed. But it's not my bed. It's bigger, and softer, and the sheets are silkier.
It's...
I look over to my right and there's a white, marshmallow-like bed nearby. Llywelyn is a blue smudge on an oversized bed of white. I suppose he must have carried me in here? To our-... my new bed. I guess there's no point considering that bunk bed on the moon as 'my' bed anymore. I won't see it ever again.
I sit up and the silky sheets slide down off of me to my waist.
I'm still wearing what I was yesterday, and I can't help the brief smile that flickers across my lips at that.
He's not that bad. Even when he's an ass.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed, and try to stand up, but I stagger a little. I'm still a bit woozy. I guess heat wine is stronger than I thought.
I stumble over to the window and look out. We're... somewhere in space. I can see stars, but no planets or moons. Just endless blackness, and tiny specks of light.
I suppose that makes sense. It's not like I'd know where we were even if there were something outside to mark our progress, unless space has some sort of road signs. Though I think...
It really ought to.
I don't feel any movement. I don't even feel like we're moving. It's just... still. Quiet. Peaceful.
I lean my forehead against the glass, and close my eyes. I wonder if Alistair saw the stars like this. On the trip back to Earth, did he look out the windows of the supply ship and see stars like these? Did he think they were beautiful?
I hope he did. I hope he's happy, wherever he is on Earth. I hope he's safe.
I hope he hasn't forgotten...
I don't want to think about him. Not right now. It hurts too much.
I'm. Gonna see him again. Maybe in a year. Maybe longer. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'm on that path now. So there's no point thinking about... any of that.
I push myself away from the window, and walk over to the bathroom. I need to wash my face, and brush my teeth, and get some water. I need to wake up properly, and face the day. Preferably before a hungover fishman takes it for five hours, or whatever.
The bathroom is attached to our room, which is nice. It's small, but it has a shower, a sink, a toilet, and a mirror. It's not as fancy as the one in the manor, but it's good enough. I splash some cold water on my face, and then look at myself in the mirror.
I look... tired. My hair is a mess, and there are dark circles under my eyes. My skin is pale, and my lips are chapped. I look like shit.
I guess that's not surprising. I haven't been sleeping well. And I drank too much last night. And I've been stressed and anxious and confused and...
I sigh, and reach for the toothbrush. I need to pull myself together. I need to focus. I need to figure out a plan. I need to be ready.
I brush my teeth, and then wash my face again. I look a little better, but not much. I guess I'll have to deal with it.
There must be a bathtub somewhere. Llywelyn would fistfight with Xilukulkas, I'm sure, if he didn't have direct access to it. But as I've come to enjoy bathing, a shower's just fine for me. I strip down and step into the water. It's hot and relaxing, and I just let it wash over me for a while. I try not to think about anything, just enjoy the sensation. But my mind keeps wandering to last night, and Llywelyn, and what happened.
I remember asking him about his... glow. And him getting flustered. And me teasing him. And him getting more flustered. And then... I don't know. I think I fell asleep.
I hope I didn't do anything too embarrassing. Or stupid.
I mean, more stupid than usual.
I finish my shower, and step out, drying myself with a towel. I wrap it around myself, and walk out of the bathroom, into the bedroom. Llywelyn is still asleep, sprawled on the bed, his hair a mess, his face peaceful. He looks... cute.
Wait. No. No, he doesn't.
I shake my head, and walk over to the closet, opening it. There are some clothes inside, all in my size. I guess Xilukulkas had someone prepare them for me. That's... nice. I guess.
I pull out a simple shirt and pants, loose and simple dark purple, and then walk back into the bathroom, quiet and careful not to wake the sleeping blue menace.
My face catches my attention in the mirror again.
I look at myself, and... I don't know. I just stare. For a long time.
I've been doing this a lot lately. Looking at myself. Trying to see... something. Anything.
Something that says the face I'm looking at is still me.
The woman that I look at in the mirror has my green eyes. But she's not...
How is there anything of me left in the woman that's looking back at me?
I reach out and touch the mirror with my hand, and the woman in it mimics me. But I don't feel it.
I don't know what I'm looking for.
I don't know what I've lost.
I just know... I don't feel like myself.
I sigh, and turn away. I don't have time for this. I need to get dressed. I need to face the day. I need to...
I close my eyes, and take a deep breath.
I drop the towel and force myself to stare at... me. Again. Naked, exposed, everything. I make myself look, and try to see... me.
I do this sometimes. I did it before when I was on the moon. But it... still hasn't stuck. I still can't make myself see the girl that walked home on Earth. And it hurts. It burns. Something deep in my stomach aches because why...
Why can't I see her anymore?
Where is me?
I swallow, hard, and look away again. My fingers tremble when I reach for the shirt and pants. I've gotten thin. That's what I can tell. I'm not as thin as I was when I first arrived on the moon, but I'm still not at that weight I once was. The slight pudge, the small but comfortable fat around my thighs, the softness of my stomach. I don't have any of it.
I never thought I'd miss those things. But I do.
I stare down at my own stomach and place my hand across it.
It's lightly muscled. I've never done any kind of... exercise and yet. I still got a light six pack. I don't know if I like it. Not that I hate it, but...
What happened to me? How can I look at myself, even naked, and feel as if I'm looking at a stranger?
My vision blurs and a tear falls on my hand.
When am I going to be me again?
The door bursts open, the sound an explosion in the quiet of the room. I jump, turning toward the sound, my hand reaching out to grab the nearest item - a toothbrush - as a weapon.
I freeze.
Llywelyn is standing there, eyes wide, hand on the door, his chest pulsing a bright, vivid pink.
I realize that the towel I'd grabbed is no longer on me. It's on the floor, and I'm standing there in front of him, completely naked.
He stares at me, his eyes roving over my body. His mouth is slightly open, his ears are twitching.
I don't move. I don't breathe.
This is...
My face is burning.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to react.
But he's...
His collar is glowing so bright it's almost white. And his eyes are...
I drop the toothbrush. The sound finally breaks me from my trance of shock.
I have never shrieked so loud, nor so high, in my life.
"GETTHEFUCK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT!" I wail, grabbing the door and slamming it in his face with the entirety of my might.
I hear a yelp on the other side, and then hurried footsteps.
I lean against the door, my face on fire, my heart pounding, my body shaking.
Did he see everything?
Oh, god, he did.
He saw everything.
I scream. "LLYWELYN!" I start banging on the door. "YOU PERVERTED FISH ASSHOLE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" I yell.
His voice is muffled, but I can still hear it. "I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!" He says, panicked.
"LIAR!" I shout back.
"I DIDN'T! I SWEAR! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I JUST- I FORGOT! I DIDN'T-!"
"GO AWAY!" I scream, and bang on the door again. "GET OUT OF HERE! GO DIE! GO DROWN!"
"IF IT MEANS GETTING THAT UGLY SIGHT OUT OF MY MIND I WILL!"
There's slam and I.
Sink to my knees.
Gasping.
And I groan.
That. Stupid fish. Just stood there. Frozen. But his eyes. Were not! They were moving!
They were absolutely! Moving!
I punch the door with one hand, and cover my face with the other.
And for some inexplicable reason.
I burst into laughter that I just can't stop.