The space station vanishes surprisingly quickly for as little as it feels like we're moving. It's unnerving, standing out on the deck in the middle of space. Even though there should be no moving air, the ship is designed somehow to cause my hair to whip in an unseen and unheard wind.
I guess it seals the illusion, in its own way. Makes it feel as if we're really a ship. Like the cruise ships this one reminds me so much of. Standing on the deck at night, watching the stars go by... it's peaceful. It's beautiful.
It's also terrifying in its own way. The idea that at any moment I could fall off the ship, and be lost in space. That something could go wrong and the atmosphere could be sucked out.
I'm brave enough - or recklessly trusting enough - to stand outside in motion, but I'm absolutely not standing anywhere near the edges. There's a visible dome around the ship as we move, flickering lights showing where space debris is constantly bouncing off of the edges and highlighting where the heat, atmosphere, and movement ends.
But people already fall off of cruise ships. I don't want to find out what happens if I fall out of this one toward one of the dome barries. I don't even want to think about it.
I lean my head back, letting the feeling of wind wash over me and close my eyes. There is a sound out here. A sound that's almost like ocean waves. I don't know if it's like the faint music that always plays on the moon to conceal the lack of all other ambient sounds, and designed to complete the illusion if it being a sea sailing ship, or if it's an actual meaningful mechanical noise. It's nice. Peaceful.
My hair blows in the wind, and the lights of the stars dance on my eyelids.
I try not to think about the past. Or the future. I just let myself be.
I wonder if the others on the ship enjoy it like this. I haven't actually seen anyone out here yet when I've been here except when Llywelyn or someone else comes to collect me for whatever purpose it happens to be at the time, but the crew complement is so small compared to the size of the ship that there's no reason for me to expect to randomly come across them somewhere like the upper deck that has nothing to offer except a view. I can't imagine why anyone would come out here if they weren't waiting for me.
So I'm surprised when I hear the familiar soft steps of someone who's not Llywelyn. I open my eyes and look over.
Xilukulkas is standing nearby, his arms crossed, looking out into the stars. He looks... pensive.
"Xilukulkas."
He turns his head to me and smiles. His eyes are a soft green. "Sarah. You're getting better at saying my name. You no longer sound like a child attempting a particularly difficult word."
I huff and glance away. I'd be more offended if he weren't right. The first few times I attempted his name it came out an incomprehensible mess of syllables. At least now I can say it, mostly. "Am I- interrupting?"
"How could you possibly? I've interrupted you, haven't I?" He turns his body to face me. "You looked very peaceful out here. It's not often I see a moment of genuine peace from you."
I bristle, "I don't need you to pity me."
"You two really are alike." He laughs. It's a richer, fuller laugh than I'm used to from him. It reminds me that he's an older man, by apparently an incomprehensible amount, despite how youthful his alien beauty makes him appear.
"Don't compare me to him. I'm not a bath-obsessed fish." I complain.
"No, but you're certainly stubborn, and you both have a tendency to hide from your own feelings." He says, stepping closer to me. "And, to my great shame, still a terribly strong loneliness." He stops a respectable distance from me, but the effect of his towering form is hard to ignore.
I glance up at him, "You already know my answer to that."
His eyes crinkle. "Indeed. I've come to recognize a certain pattern with your suggested solutions to anything I observe or encounter about you."
"Perhaps it's because the solution is a catch-all?" I respond, voice as dry as I can manage.
"Would that I could test such a solution." He sighs, and his gaze shifts back to the stars. "I would rather miss your presence, should that ever be the case."
"Selfish of you." I quip.
It's.
Barely even a joke, actually.
"I am." He nods, "Terribly so. But then, I have no pretense of being a good man. I am a collector of the truly precious and the unique, nothing more than that. I am not so ashamed of my sins as to deny them."
I stare at him.
Xilukulkas is... so very strange. I've never met someone who so openly embraces their own flaws and evil. He doesn't pretend to be some kind of paragon. He doesn't claim that he's anything more than what he is. Not as far as I've seen, anyway.
And yet, so many of the ones under his care seem to respect him, if not outright like him. I am...
I'm not sure.
What I think of him.
His gaze flickers back to me, his eyes a shade of gold that I haven't seen in his eyes before. "I've been wondering something." He says, and tilts his head to the side, the faint glow of the starlight around us reflecting off of his black hair as he does so. It's almost unbelievable that it manages to, given how much else of him is already reflecting and twinkling with light. "Perhaps you'd be able to sate my curiosity?"
I don't know what I could possibly know that would be of interest to a 4000 plus year old alien, but I find myself nodding anyway. It's so hard to deny him, that strange man who holds himself with such an elegant, confident grace. "Sure."
His smile is soft. "You did tell me once that your goal is to return to your home, did you not?"
I nod, a little hesitantly.
I don't know what it is, but I feel a little nervous. As if I'm being lured into a trap, though that doesn't make sense. I've not told anyone about my plans. I've never even hinted at them, even when I'd gone drinking with Llywelyn. He couldn't know.
"I was wondering, then, if you could describe to me what you would do once you reach your home." His gaze is steady on me. "As I do not know much about human worlds, I'd be interested in knowing what life there is like. Our documentation on humanity in its natural habitat is rather... sparse. As it is for all who have little Galactic contact."
"You mean subsapients."
"Would you prefer I use that term?"
I snort and look away from him, wrapping my arms around myself. "No."
There's a small sound of acknowledgment and then silence for a long while. I let myself calm down. The strange sensation of being cornered fades away, replaced with... an odd loneliness. I can't even explain why.
"Well, then... will you indulge me?"
I glance back to him. He's still looking at me, that same gentle expression. I'm still not sure how to read his expressions. I don't know how to read anyone's expressions, not entirely. But he seems... genuine.
So I sigh and close my eyes. "I guess."
He makes that same sound as before and then he's quiet, allowing me to find my words.
What would I do?
What would I do...
There's an almost painful nostalgia in my chest when I think about it. I think about my bed. The creaky, old, uncomfortable bed that was always too small and the blanket that was always too thin. I think about waking up in the morning, and the sun coming through my window. The sound of birds, and the smell of coffee. The taste of my mom's cooking. The feel of the grass on my feet. The sight of the trees and the sky.
Not just any trees or sky.
Real trees. Real sky,
My.
My tree. My sky.
My home.
I smile, and it hurts.
"First. I think I'd just go to bed. In my bed." I suppose there's other things I'd do before.
But it's...
Those are too painful to linger on. To think about and dare to say.
"I would wake up every morning, and I'd know that I'm home. That I'm safe. That I'm free." I say, my voice soft. "I'd go outside, and I'd breathe the air, and I'd feel the wind on my face. I'd look at the sky, and I'd see the sun, and the clouds, and the moon. And I'd know that I'm where I belong."
I open my eyes, and look at him.
My throat feels... thick, But I think. I'm pretty sure I can make it through. After all, this ship is taking me where I can - I should - I will find a way home. So I... can say it. All of that. Without falling apart.
"Might also take up piano."
"It sounds like a quaint place." He smiles. "I'd like to go and visit there some day, to meet more humans. Like you."
I squint up at him. "They'd... think you're a monster."
His expression falls a touch, only for a few moments, and then he smiles. "Yes, it does seem they might have strong feelings..."
"Oh-no-well-"
That. Wasn't what I meant to say.
Not that it's wrong.
"I meant that you look. Like one." I gesture to his... well, his everything. He's so tall and has such an alien shape to him that even if his face was as soft and gentle as it is, he would be terrifying to most humans, I think.
He laughs. That same rich sound. "Oh, I knew that. It's not unexpected. I do seem to have a certain effect on most species."
"It's because you're so beautiful, Xilukulkas!" Mira's voice rings out behind me, and I turn to see her skipping toward us. "Everyone can't help but stare!"
"My, is that so?" Xilukulkas smiles at her, and reaches out a hand to her when she's close enough, "Then they will be deeply terrified of you, little one. You are much more lovely than I."
She giggles and takes his hand. "Nooo, silly! You have those ruffles on your neck and the jewels in your hair! You look so fancy!"
He rumbles a low sound that I think is a chuckle. "If you say so."
Truthfully, I think humans might see them both as monstrous in different ways.
But Mira's just... so cheerful that I can't imagine anyone feeling that way about her for long. And if she smiles at them...
Well. She has a way of being disarmingly sweet.
Xilukulkas is simply too tall for that. He's too big. Too much. He's like a creature from a horror film.
That, I'm sure of.
Mira steps forward and leans up on her tiptoes. Xilukulkas indulges her, grabbing her around the waist and lifting her up. The daring statuette used the opportunity to pull his face down and touch their foreheads together.
"See?" She says, "I'm not scared of you."
"You have convinced me." He replies. "Now then. I came to invite you, Sarah - and you as well, little jewel - to a rare meal. I have arranged for the chef to make a special dish for us. Something unique I collected on the station. Will you join me?"
Mira squeals and hugs his head. "Yes! Yes, of course!"
I don't even get a chance to answer. She's already running off, bouncing and skipping as she goes, and Xilukulkas is smiling after her, shaking his head.
Then he looks back at me. "Will you?"
I bite the inside of my cheek.
I should see him exactly as a monster. More than anyone glancing at him and not knowing him, I should. He's the one who keeps me trapped and overrides my free choice and then claims its for my own good.
I should hate him. It makes sense.
But.
For some reason, I like him.
I think.
I don't hate him, anyway.
"Sure."
He smiles, a soft and gentle smile. "I am delighted. Come."