That's the last comment we make to each other about each other for a while. We fall into a comfortable silence, just drinking and looking out the window at the stars. There are no constellations I recognize, not that I'm surprised. I'm pretty sure constellations can only exist looking at them from one direction. Or distance. Or something. I don't know. I never knew that much about constellations to begin with. I just remember that there were some I could never see in my town's sky, which I thought was a shame.
The last person to talk about constellations with me at all was...
The stars here are nice anyway. That's all that matters. I enjoy watching the swirling nebulae, how they shift and move and change colors while I watch them. There are also a few stars that shift colors as I look at them through the window, before they pass by and are gone. I don't know why they change colors, but it's fascinating to watch.
I wonder if the Galactic Center is more like the nebulae, or if it's more like the endless darkness of space. Is it the literal center of the Galaxy? Like the super blackhole thing? Or is it the center of commerce? I've never asked. I'm not even entirely sure how to ask.
"What are you thinking about?" Llywelyn asks, breaking the silence.
I glance at him. He's leaning his cheek on his hand, elbow on the armrest, looking at me with a half-lidded, bored expression.
I find my breath catch looking at him.
He's...
Really beautiful.
"Wuh..." I shake my head. "I've drank too much." I turn back to my drink and my cheeks heat up. "That was a close one."
He makes a 'tsk' sound at me. "So you're a lightweight. Or maybe your human liver is just that pathetic."
I squint at him. "If you had to sustain yourself by hunting animals at night, you'd starve."
"S'nilia... that's not-! Why would I ever need to do that?" He huffs. "I'm not some sort of savage."
"Because we'd be lost in the forest, obviously. My hypothetical is that we are alone and need to survive."
"My hypothetical is that you're drinking heat wine right now, you weak-livered human." He clicks his tongue and lifts his glass toward me. "Don't try to distract me from this revelation."
I roll my eyes. "It's not a revelation. I've barely ever had wine before. Mikhail would have drunk you under the table."
"Mikhail?" He tilts his head. "Who's that?"
I open my mouth and then hesitate. Should I... I don't know if I want to tell him anything about... before.
He's been... pretty nice to me, recently. But that doesn't mean I should just go and spill my guts about the rebels and the rest of them.
I stare down at my glass. "A... friend. Of mine. From that... fucking awful place."
He makes a soft sound. "Huh."
I glance up at him. He's staring at the stars again, looking... thoughtful.
"What?"
He shakes his head. "Nothing." He downs the rest of his drink, and then stands up, walking over to the bar. "You want more?"
"...I should probably not, right?" I stare at the half empty glass.
"Boring!" He says, pouring himself another one anyway. "You might as well live a little."
"I am attempting to stay alive." I frown up at him, "Not... drink myself to death on the first day of this trip."
"You're so dramatic. Heat wine isn't even that strong." He walks back over, leaning over the back of the couch again, holding the bottle of wine out to me. "Drink. I refuse to be drunk alone." His collar flashes a bright pink.
"You know, I could be a violent drunk. Or a weepy one."
"So you'd just be the way you always are?"
"Fuck you." I snap, and grab the bottle from him, pouring more for myself. "And what kind of drunk are you, then? The annoyingly smug, insufferable bath obsessed kind? How would I even be able to tell?"
He snorts and sits back down next to me, leaning his head back again. "I'm told I'm a delightful-"
"Liar." I interject.
"Entertaining-"
"Doubtful."
"Interesting-"
"Bullshit." I lift my glass to my lips again. "Is your collar going to stay lit the entire time?"
He scowls at me. "Maybe I prefer to be drunk on my own if you're my company." He says, although he doesn't get up to go anywhere.
"You can't. You'll end up with Mira."
"Nishi'an..." His hand covers his face. "That-! Yes, that is a fate worse than death."
I laugh and shake my head. "Then I guess you're stuck with me."
He sighs dramatically and picks up his glass again. "Under immense protest." He mutters, and then downs half of it.
"You really don't like her." I say, looking over at him again.
He sighs and looks down at his drink. "It doesn't matter if I do or I don't. Mira will react the same way if I compliment her or if I viciously insult her family line. There isn't any point-"
I purse my lips. "I don't think you're right."
His golden eyes flick up toward me.
"I know she's... karachi or-"
"Kolumer."
"You're drunk, don't correct me." I huff. "Anyway. She's... not supposed to feel anything but happy but... she tries. She tries to understand and emulate. And I think. That if she really weren't capable of understanding or discerning the difference... she wouldn't try."
He's staring at me for a long moment. Then he turns his head away and lets out a long, deep breath. "This is... the kind of thing I hate most about you. You always go and think about things like that, like you can make the world... work the way you want it to. That's not how it works."
I'm... not quite sure what he means by that.
I mean. Okay. I know what he's saying. But he's not right. I know he's not right. I know that it is the way the world works. It's...
"I don't hate her." He murmurs, before I can say anything else. "She's a sweet girl. But I..."
He falls quiet. His collar flashes brightly again. I don't know what to say. I've never heard him say something so vulnerable. So genuine.
So I don't say anything.
I just watch him, and wait.
"I'll never keep up with that energy. I just don't have it." He finally says, "Even when she tries to control herself. She's too loud. Too noisy. Too... much."
I frown and glance down at my hands. "Is that why you like to spend hours in the bath alone?"
"What?" He glances over at me and I feel his stare.
"You like to be alone. Everyone's so loud and busy and overstimulating, so you just make an excuse about water and hide in the only room no one can bother you for five hours at a time, right?"
He stares at me for a long moment. "It's... not that simple." He finally says, eyes averted, but not before I see that light flashing in them.
I nod, slowly. "Yeah, sure. But it's a big part of it."
His veins pulse a bright color and for a little while, I think that's going to be it on the matter. He falls into his silence again, another long lull where there's nothing but drink and the passing stars.
When he speaks again, it's a murmur I almost don't catch. "I don't like to be alone." His hand tightens on his glass. "I just. I can't..."
I look over at him, and I see him wince. His eyes are shut, and his mouth is pressed into a thin line. He looks... pained.
"I don't... understand." I admit. My voice is quiet. It's not just the drinking. It's just... the mood, I guess.
He doesn't respond immediately. I just let him sit in his silence. I'm not sure if it's more painful to be alone when you don't like it. Or to be surrounded by people you can't handle.
Maybe they're both awful.
"It's fine." He finally says, and opens his eyes, though he doesn't look at me. "I can. Handle it. Done it for a long time. I'll do it the rest of my life." He gives me a brittle smile. "I'm just complaining. You don't have to pity me."
"I'd never pity your stupid face." I say, and I'm glad I manage to make it sound firm and a little bit like a joke. "But I can. Be here. Sometimes."
He looks at me, and his eyes widen a little. His collar glows pink, and his ears twitch. He opens his mouth, and then closes it. He looks away, and his fingers tap on his glass.
He doesn't say anything.
So I do.
"Why's it glow?" It's an absurd, stupid thing, but this is the man who insisted on getting me drunk, so now. He. Pays. The price.
He chokes. His head whips around to look at me, eyes wide. "Wha-Why-?! Why would you-?!"
"You asked me stupid stuff." I point out. "Now I'm asking you. And I'm drunk so you have to answer."
He stares at me, and his collar lights up so brightly I can almost see my own shadow in front of me. "I-I-! Fis'ia-! I can't! Just... say!"
"I'm just curious." I shrug. "What's it matter? You said I won't be able to understand it anyway."
He slaps his hand over his eyes. "I was trying to. Get you to stop asking."
"Huh?" I blink. He's not... actually mad? His ears are going nuts, but he's not mad. He's... embarrassed?
Well, that's kinda funny. He's so easily embarrassed, but it's not like he's not a shameless person in other ways. I've seen him wander around shirtless and wet several times now. He should be used to shamelessness. "I'm not gonna judge you for it. You're the one judging yourself."
"By the stars..." He lets out a deep breath, and then looks at me. "It's. Part. Of Akutwasian biology."
"Lighting up like a Christmas tree all the time?"
"I will leave." He threatens.
I hold up a hand. "Okay, okay. I'm not-! Sorry. It's weird, that's all. I've never seen anything like it."
He sighs, and runs a hand through his hair. "It's. I don't know. How to explain it. Can you explain why your heart beats?"
"To pump blood."
He shoots me a nasty glare. "Not the purpose. I mean the mechanism."
"Uh. Well. I don't have a degree so I'm not going to go into anatomy or anything. It's a muscle? That makes it go like, lubdub?"
His expression softens and he sighs again. "That's what I'm saying. I can't explain why the bioluminescence does what it does. It just does. It's just... there. It's a thing. It's part of me."
I blink at him. "Kay. What's the purpose."
He glances away. "Communication. What else would it be?"
I squint and look down at his chest. It glows brighter.
"Don't just look at it!" He hisses, covering his chest with his free hand.
"You JUST said it's communication!"
"It's subconscious! I'm not consciously lighting up just because you're looking! It just happens! You-" He throws his hands up. "I can't just turn it off!"
"What is it communicating, then?"
He shrinks into himself a little, clearly sulking. And those veins of his glow. "Various. Things. Contextually." He says, after a long moment. "When I'm agitated or angry it glows like this." He indicates his chest. "It's a warning to others to stay away. If I'm... aroused-" He closes his mouth so quickly his teeth click and he stands up with incredible speed. "I need more wine!" He declares, turning and stalking over to the bar again.
"The bottle's over here-"
"SHUT UP!" He hollers, snatching up a different bottle and angrily drinking straight from it.
I can't help it. I laugh. He's so easy to mess with. And for some reason, I don't feel guilty about it. It's not like I'm actually hurting him.
But I do feel... bad.
I didn't mean to make him run off like that.
I sigh, and stand up, walking over to the bar. He's standing there, his back to me, his hand on the counter, his collar pulsing a bright pink.
I stop next to him, and lean my elbow on the counter. I don't say anything. I just wait.
He glances at me, and then away. His ears are twitching.
"Sorry." I say, quietly. "I didn't mean to push you."
He sighs, and shakes his head. "It's fine. It's just... I'm not used to needing to explain it. Akutwasian bioly is..."
"A joke." He stiffens and I immediately grab his arm. "That's what you said! Not- I didn't mean it like that-! I meant that you said people treat it like..."
He glances at me, and then relaxes. A little. His veins shift to a dull blue. "It's fine. It's... not an easy thing to explain. Especially to a sub-sapient. No offense."
"I marvel at how you think offense can be avoided."
He squints at me. "You are not drunk enough, woman."
I pinch my fingers. "Tipsy." I clarify.
He rolls his eyes, and then sighs. "It's... a fis'ia liability. The glow. Doesn't do anything for anyone but cause me trouble now." He says, bitterly. "So I'm a joke because of it, and I can't do anything about it."
"I think that it's beautiful." I blurt out, before I can stop myself.
He immediately glows. Quite brightly. He turns his head away from me, and covers his face with his free hand. "Nishi'an wo'. No need to add fuel to the fire." He grumbles.
"No, I'm not joking." I insist, frowning. "I mean it. I think it's... pretty. It's. Unique and interesting. And it... I don't know. It suits you." I feel my cheeks heat up, and I'm glad he's not looking at me. "I know you don't like it, and I can't interpret it but... it's not a bad thing. Not to me, anyway."
He's quiet for a long time. His ears are flicking so fast I think he might float. His collar is bright pink, and his chest is glowing, too.
I wonder what that means.
"Are you... trying to flirt with me?"
I choke. "What?! No! Why would you think-?!"
"Because no one just says that!" He says, turning to face me, his eyes wide. "No one just says it's beautiful and it suits me unless they're trying to get into my bath!"
"I'm not! I don't want your...! Your bath! I just think it's pretty and I don't like seeing you sad!" I defend, flustered.
He stares at me, his veins flickering between pink and blue. He's... hard to read. I don't know what he's thinking. Is he angry? Disgusted? Annoyed? Embarrassed?
Maybe all of them?
He sighs, and rubs his forehead. "You're impossible." He mutters, and then looks at me again. "Fine. Let's get some more fis'ia drink. Maybe if you're drunk enough you'll stop saying stupid things."
"That's not usually how it works."
"Consider me an optimist." He says, and walks over to the couch again.
I shake my head and follow him, settling down next to him again. His arm misses the couch and settles over my shoulders instead.
I'll allow it.
We fall into silence for a bit, both of us drinking. I've pretty much already surmised his glow was... something like that. Honestly, he didn't tell me much about it I hadn't already figured out. Maybe... that it's beyond his control?
Or the weird euphemism about his bath. Which. Makes all of my terrorizing him about trying to get into the bath with him feel unusually crude by accident.
Although-
A thought suddenly occurs to me and I look over at him. He's settled into the couch, staring out into the stars across the room, drinking down his glass of heat wine. His chest is glowing softly, but he doesn't seem like he's about to say anything unless I do.
"Then why does your dick glow?"
He chokes and spits wine everywhere.