I wake up to the smell of breakfast. I don't know what time it is, or how long I slept, but I'm hungry. I sit up, and see a tray of food on the table. There's bread, and cheese, and fruit, and something that looks like eggs. And coffee. Oh, thank god. I could kiss whoever made this.
I get up, and walk over to the food, picking up a cup of coffee. It's hot, and strong, and it tastes just like home. I take a sip, and sigh with relief. It isn't the first time I've had some kind of coffee since being ripped away from Earth, but this one is... the most. Coffee-like coffee. I don't really know how they managed to create coffee so much like what I remember from back on Earth but... maybe it's better that I don't. The familiar taste is so profoundly comforting that my breath hitches and for a terrible moment I think I might actually cry over coffee, of all things.
Fortunately, I manage not to.
I sit down, and start eating. The food is good, too. Fresh, and tasty. It's not as if the prior food I'd been eating in this moon tasted bad. It didn't. But this is...
Everything about this meal is more...
Human tasting than I'm used to. It's as if Xilukulkas interpreted nutrition as taste, or something.
I don't understand it, but I can't say I don't appreciate it.
I finish my breakfast, and then stand up. I don't know what to do now. I don't have a schedule. I don't have a plan. I just... have time. And it's... weird. I'm not used to it. I'm used to always having something to do. Something to worry about. Something to fight for.
Since arriving on that hellish planet, I always had... something. Even if it was waiting for rescue, or mindless, stupid assignments and trying to learn the language in the hope of stopping the electrocution.
I was always planning escape. Somehow. Or dreaming it.
But now I...
Now... I have nothing.
And it's...
It's... empty. Lonely. Scary.
I walk out of the room, down the hall, to the nearest window, and look outside. The sky is still dark, and the stars are still bright. I wonder if it's ever daylight here. If there's ever a sun. I don't know. I've never seen one. Considering where we are, I suppose...
Maybe we only get sunlight if he happens to pass through a solar system or something. But then again, it might be so bright it would burn to look at. Maybe I should be happy. The other planet had far more sunlight than night, it was always oppressively hot and dry and bright. This is...
Cool. Quiet. Darker.
I find that I hate it just as much.
I sigh, and turn away. I don't want to look at the stars anymore. They remind me of... everything. Of home. Of Alistair. Of freedom. Of all the things I've lost.
I need a distraction. Something to do. Something to keep my mind occupied.
Maybe I could go find Llywelyn. He's always good for a distraction. An argument, at least. But... I don't know where he is. And I don't want to bother him. Not after yesterday.
Yesterday...
I cringe.
Making Llywelyn, of all people, comfort me. I have no idea how that even happened. I still can't believe I did that. I don't know what came over me.
No-
No. I know what came over me. This whole damn place did. This life. This...
Everything since I was a highschool girl walking home from school. That's what came over me. But at the same time... I also. I don't even know how the argument with him happened. Or why he'd gotten so angry. Or why I'd...
I rub my hands over my face, feeling frustrated. I don't know. I don't know anything, and I hate it.
I decide to go back to the library. At least there I can find something to read. Something to learn. Something to...
Maybe I'll look for a book about Akutwas.
If I understand them a little more, maybe our interactions can be a bit more productive than just calling each other aquatic creatures until someone laughs or screams. And... maybe it'll be a nice way to connect with Llywelyn. Not that I want to connect with him, or anything. I just... I don't know.
What Xilukulkas said last night is stuck in my head, and it's making me feel... weird. I can't stop thinking about it. About Llywelyn. About what he might be feeling. What he might be going through.
I head towards the library, and as I walk, I notice that the halls are... busier than usual. There are more people around, and they're all carrying things. Boxes, bags, tools, instruments. They're all moving with purpose, and they don't seem to notice me. They're all quite distracted with whatever it is they're doing.
A project of some kind, maybe?
I'm tempted to interrupt one and ask, but... I don't actually recognize anyone, and I can't help feeling a bit self-conscious about it. I'm not looking for a duty, I don't want one, I don't want to participate in anything in this place. but... I'm not so callous and rude as to interfere with someone else.
So, I keep walking until I reach the library, ducking this way and that to avoid larger items the others are carrying. Once I get there, I open the door, and step inside. The library is empty, except for one person.
Llywelyn.
He's sitting at a table, his back to me, his head bent over a book. His hair is pulled back in a ponytail, and he's wearing a simple white shirt and black pants. He looks... relaxed. Comfortable.
I hesitate, not sure if I should say something. If I should just leave or - maybe I should just. Ignore it. It might be better to pretend I didn't learn anything about him. Before I can decide, he turns around, and sees me.
His eyes widen, and his collar glows a bright blue. "You." He says, his voice flat.
"Me." I reply, and walk in. "What are you doing here?"
"There's this thing that sentients do called reading." He deadpans.
I glare at him, and he glares back. His veins continue to pulse a blue light.
"Well... I'm here to read too." I say, crossing my arms. "So I guess that makes me sentient, too."
"I guess so." He mutters, and turns back to his book. "Just don't make a fuss. And don't touch me."
"Wh- why would I touch you?"
"Because you're a weird, violent human who thinks she's above everyone else." He says, flipping a page. "And you've already proven you're not above manhandling others."
Okay, yeah, I can't deny that I have grabbed at him more than once, but he deserved it. He was being an ass.
"I only do it when you deserve it." I say, and walk over to the shelf. "That happens to be most of the time." I grumble.
"Hilarious." He says, dryly.
I ignore him, and scan the books. I don't know what I'm looking for, exactly. And... I can't focus. Not with Llywelyn sitting there, behind me, radiating his irritation and discomfort.
Literally. He's glowing, which I know from context, even if I don't really understand the full mechanism, tends to mean he's annoyed.
Finally, I can't take it.
"I'm sorry." I say, not looking at him.
"For what?" He asks, his tone guarded.
"For... yesterday." I bite my lip. "I... I didn't mean to... make you upset. I just... I was upset. And I took it out on you. So... I'm sorry."
He blinks, and his expression softens, just a little. His collar fades to a dull blue. "You make a lot of assumptions for knowing so little of this universe, Human." He says, and then shakes his head.
"Maybe you're right." I say, breaking the silence that's fallen between us. "I don't know anything. I'm trying but I... the truth... is that I'm also afraid to know things." It's so hard to say. I can feel it like a strain in my throat, like a tightness in my chest.
His brow quirks, and his collar turns yellow. "Why afraid?"
"Because. The more I know, the harder it is to hold on to myself." I can't look at him as I say it. I can feel tears stinging my eyes, and I will them away. "Every time I learn about you, about the people here, about this...place, it feels like a little more of who I was... is gone. It's like I... lose a little bit of Earth. Something about marionberries and maple trees. What cheap chocolate is like. I think... if I fill up all my memories and thoughts about this place, how will I remember my home and if I can't remember then..."
My words are faint, barely a rasp.
"What am I?"
There's a long pause. I don't know if he's listening, or if he understands. I don't expect him to. He's not human. He doesn't... he can't...
I hear him shift, and then footsteps. I brace myself for the inevitable sarcastic comment, or the dismissive remark. I deserve it. I was the one who started this conversation.
But then I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's warm, and soft, and gentle. It startles me, and I look up, into his eyes. They're a deep, dark blue, and they're... kind. Sympathetic.
"I don't know what it's like to be human, Sarah." He says, his voice low. "But... I do know..."
His gaze flickers away from me. His collar flares a soft pink and his ears twitch. I don't remember if I've ever seen them twitch before.
"Losing yourself." He says, quiet. "It's... terrifying. I know that feeling."
I stare at him, and my heart aches. He... he does know. He's been through it. He's lost himself, too. He's... he's just like me.
"Thank you." I whisper, and place my hand over his.
His eyes snap back to mine, and his collar flashes brighter for a moment, before he yanks his hand away from me so fiercely it's as if I burned him.
"Enough of that." He snaps, his voice harsh. "I do not require your pity, Human. Do not give it to me."
"I wasn't-"
"You were. It's disgusting." He says, turning away from me, and walking back to his seat. "And I do not wish to hear your apology again. I accept it. Now leave me alone."
I frown, and follow him. "I wasn't pitying you. I was just..."
"What? Feeling sorry for me? Feeling bad for me? What's the difference?" He demands, spinning around to face me, his eyes blazing gold.
"Wha..?" Why? A moment ago he was...! "Wh-Why the hell are you so determined to fight with me now?!"
He stops. And then his collar and chest veins turn a brilliant purple. He looks away, scoffs, and rubs at his temples. "I do not know."
"You- you don't?" I tilt my head at him. "What's going on?"
"I said I don't know!" He snarls, and then, in a much softer voice, "I just... I am not used to... this."
"This?" I ask, confused.
"This. You. This... thing. Where I-" He stops, and then shakes his head. "Forget it." He says, and sits down, picking up his book. "Just... leave me alone."
"But-" I don't understand. What is he talking about? What thing? Why is he being so... weird?
I don't press him, though. I can tell he's upset, and I don't want to make it worse. So I just sigh, and turn away, heading towards a different section of the library. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I need something to distract me. Something to keep my mind off of him.
Because I don't understand him at all.
I end up picking out a random book, and sitting down at a different table. I don't look at him, and he doesn't look at me. We're in the same room, but we're... apart. And it's... strange.
I open the book, and start reading. It's about... I don't know. Some kind of history. There are names and places and events I've never heard of, and I can barely follow it. But it's something to do. Something to focus on.
And I need that.
Because my head is a mess.
Because I don't know what I'm doing, or who I am, or what I want.
Because I'm scared.
And I'm alone.
I read for a while, and then I hear a sound. A soft, musical sound, like a bell. I look up, and see Llywelyn standing up, and stretching. He's finished his book, and he's putting it back on the shelf.
He glances at me, and our eyes meet. His are still gold, and mine are... I don't know. Tired. Confused. Curious.
He doesn't say anything. He just turns, and walks towards the door. I watch him go, and then he stops, right at the threshold. He hesitates, and then looks back at me.
"I'm... going to the pool. If you want to... come. Or not." He says, quickly, and then leaves.
I blink, and stare at the door. He... he invited me. To the pool? After all that? After we fought?
After he...
I don't know.
But I find myself standing up, and following him. "What pool?"