I find Llywelyn sulking by the gillworg pond.
Okay, maybe that's an uncharitable way to put it, but he looks pretty sulky. He's sitting on the edge of the water, his feet dangling, his head bowed. His hair is loose, and his collar is a dull grey. He looks... miserable.
I don't know if it's because of me, or something else. But I kind of feel bad. I mean, he did start it but...
For better or worse, Llywelyn and Mira are still the only people I could even call friends in this place. Even if he is an asshole.
I walk over to him, and sit down next to him, careful not to touch him. He glances at me, and then looks away.
"The gillworgs will eat your toes." I say, trying to make him talk.
"They won't." He mutters. "They're well-fed."
"Oh. Good." I say, and then pause. "Are you... okay?"
"I'm fine." He says, but his voice is flat. Unconvincing.
"You don't look fine." I press, "Are you upset about the aquacave? Because it wasn't-"
"No, I don't care about that." He interrupts me. "I can clean it myself. It's not that hard."
"Then what is it?"
He sighs, and looks down at his feet. The water ripples around them, and the gillworgs swim closer, curious. "It's... nothing."
"It's not nothing. You're clearly upset about something." I say, frowning. "You can talk to me, you know. I won't judge."
He snorts, and his collar flashes blue. "Why would I talk to you? You're the last person I'd confide in."
I flinch. "Wow. Okay. Thanks."
I suppose that's deserved. We don't know each other that well.
I...
Well, our situations are different. Even if Xilukulkas seems to think they're similar. He's been here for years, as far as i can tell. He's well established here with far more than just me - or Mira - to confide in. More than that, he's lived his whole life knowing... everything about the insane classifications the Galactic Empire uses, about the Galactic Empire itself.
He never had to watch the people he cared about die or be turned into...
I shake my head.
Well. The point is there's no reason for him to confide in me.
From his perspective, I suppose I'm the strange, annoying new roommate. I'm the one here who's lost, falling, and trying desperately to find some kind of...
I don't know.
"I. Didn't." He doesn't look at me, and his words are quiet enough that I wouldn't hear them if it weren't so quiet outside on this moon. "Mean to say that. It's just... I'm not used to this."
"To what?" I ask, curious despite myself.
"To having someone... poke around. Rudely." He says, and kicks his feet in the water, causing the gillworgs to scatter. "I don't like it. I don't like being... bothered."
I frown. The ripples in the pond still after a few moments and once again begin to reflect the swirling colors of the birthing stars above us. "Do you want me to leave you alone...?"
"Yes." A pause. "Maybe. No. I don't know." He lets out a frustrated sigh, and looks at me. "Why are you so persistent? Why do you care? Akutwasians know solitude. We keep to ourselves."
"I guess it's because I don't like to be alone. To have no one."
"Well I do!" He snaps. His collar glows pink and blue.
I cross my arms and frown. He's really... difficult. Not because he wants to be alone - though I...
Think that I wouldn't like it. If it were only Mira.
It's because- the stupid. Fish. Won't make up his mind and...
He glances at me, just for a moment. "You know, that's your cue to leave."
I stare at him. "Is that what you want me to do then...?"
He tenses. His collar flashes. "I- you are such a... nishi'an wretch. Why do you make this so difficult?"
"I'm not the one being difficult here!" I protest. "I'm trying to be nice!"
"I don't need your nishi'an sympathy!" He growls. "I don't need anyone!"
I can't. Stand him. That's it. I can't tell if he won't make up his mind, or if I'm supposed to have some...alien mind reading powers that I. Don't have. Just to understand what he really wants or expects from me.
Is he mad at me over the duty, even though he'd started it and could just say he doesn't want to do it? Is he mad because he doesn't want to spend that much time with me? Am I too nosy? Does he want me to be nosy and this is some kind of... complicated social more I don't understand?
Am I supposed to reach out, or walk away?
I don't know. I'm...
I'm too exhausted to know. Maybe I shouldn't have offered to listen to him at all. I'm. Probably way too consumed with my own confusion and pain to take care of anyone else right now, anyway.
"You." My fingers curl into fists on my knees, and I stand up, finally. "Maybe it's... maybe you're a normal Akutswa-"
"Akutwas."
"But you're a really foul human. I'm not trying to pity you or whatever you think I'm trying to do, I just. I wanted - needed. A friend. And I have always been... really bad at that. I've never been any good at reading and understanding people, or reaching out and trying first. So maybe this whole time I've just been..." I stop, because I don't know what I've been. I just. I thought that he wanted me to reach out because we were both homesick and alone and I did, and now I just keep trying and I... I don't want to try anymore.
My shoulders fall and my eyes slide away from him. I don't know what to say. I feel like crying, but I won't do it. I won't do that again.
I won't.
We're not the same.
We're not the same. And I'm...
Alone. Maybe it's something like my fate. Maybe it isn't.
But I...
Definitely won't make it anywhere if I can't figure out how to be on my own without clinging to the person that happens to be nearest to me every time I get a little sad.
"If you want to be alone. Fine. Be alone. I'll leave you alone." I sigh, and start to walk away, but then I stop, and turn back to him.
"And I never actually bothered to tell Xilukulkas anything, so if you don't want to do that duty with me, I don't really care."
He doesn't look at me. His collar is a bright, glaring pink, and his fingers are clenched on the edge of the pond. His ears are stiff and unmoving and I...
I have no idea what any of that's supposed to mean.
I can't even read humans.
I leave.
I march through the halls, walking with purpose to try to get back to the room where it's private and dark, and if I feel like crying I don't have to be so pathetic that some alien comes by and tries to cheer me up again.
Before I make it there, something seizes my wrist.
I'm yanked back, and I let out a yelp, as I stumble into a chest. A familiar, blue chest.
"Wh- Llywelyn?!" I gape up at him, and his collar pulses, flashing pink and blue.
He's. Holding my wrist. And he looks... agitated. Upset. Angry. And his ears... are twitching.
He. Looks upset.
I think. I don't know. I've given up on understanding the fishman.
His eyes are squeezed shut. He's leaning down a little, and his grip is tight, but not painfully so. He's just... holding on.
I wait. I'm not going to pull away and start another fight.
After what feels like an eternity, he lets out a breath, and opens his eyes. His golden irises stand out against his black sclera as intense as they ever do.
"You don't. Understand me at all."
I tug my wrist away from his hand.
I don't succeed.
"Yeah. I think I just said that." I hiss.
"You do not." He insists, his ears twitching again. "So let me... I will explain." His collar brightens briefly to a harsh violet, but he quickly steps back, releasing my wrist, and lets out a slow breath. "I am... not... used to wanting to be understood. So if you. Could nishi'an shut up for a moment, I am trying to-!" He growls at me, and then holds a hand up. "I am trying to. Talk. To you."
I press my lips together and nod.
"I am... not. A... friendly person." He starts, his voice low. "I do not like... interactions. I do not like... people. They are... annoying. And noisy. And they... expect things from me. Things I cannot give."
He pauses, and looks at me. "Akutwasian society is. Very isolated. By choice. We don't mingle. We don't socialize. We don't... care about each other. We only... exist. Nearby. Vaguely." He grimaces for some reason I cannot possibly begin to understand. "We do not... communicate. We do not confide. We do not... seek companionship. It is... unnatural. Uncomfortable."
I nod. I guess that explains a little. Maybe. It doesn't excuse his behavior, but at least I know it's not just directed at me.
He takes a breath, and continues. "So when I am... here, in this manor, surrounded by these people, who are always... in my space, who are always... talking to me, asking me things, expecting things... it is... torture. It is excruciating. I hate it. I want to be alone. I want to be left alone. And I have... tried to make that clear. But no one listens to me. No one respects me. No one... understands."
He looks away, and his collar turns a faint blue. "But I am. Learning to adapt. To accept. To endure. And I have... made some... adjustments. For some people."
I frown. "Like Mira?"
He makes another face. That one I understand a bit more. Mira is... a lot. "Mira does not allow one to 'adapt'. She simply is. She is... a force of nature. She cannot be stopped. She cannot be ignored. She must be... tolerated."
He runs a hand through his hair, and sighs. "Shut up. Shut up, woman. I'm talking. I. Have. Chosen to. Tolerate. Some people." He glares at me. "And you are one of them."
He immediately covers my mouth with his other hand. "Don't you dare say it. Don't say 'I'm flattered' or 'that's so sweet' or any of that cur'oih."
I roll my eyes.
He huffs. Like an annoyed cat.
"I'm still not good. At this. At being... friendly. But I would prefer if you didn't. Disappear. Okay?"
"Okay." I mumble through his hand.
He nods, and slowly removes his hand from my mouth. He coughs. Those ears of his flutter and his chest pulses. He keeps his gaze averted from me. "I... also don't mind doing the aquacave. With you." He says, quickly, as if he's afraid I'll cut him off. "That's it. Just. Stop your nishi'an prying." He sighs, and shoves his hands into his pockets.
"I..."
I'm still annoyed. I'm still upset. I still think he was being an asshole.
But I also understand a little better.
And I don't want to fight with him anymore. Not right now, at least.
So I nod. "I have a condition, then." I say, and he looks at me, his eyes narrowing. "Don't just assume I'm trying to... pity you, or pry or...whatever. Don't do your. Hot and cold thing. Don't get mad at me for trying to be your friend."
He frowns, and his collar flashes pink. "That is a very... complicated condition."
"Yeah. Well. It is what it is."
He huffs, and then nods. "Fine. But if you... try to coddle me, or treat me like a child, or pity me... I will not hesitate to kick you into the gillworg pond."
"I'll kick you into it first." I counter, and he smirks.
"I'd like to see you try, little human." He straightens up, and adjusts his shirt. "Now. I have a stupid bird to feed."
"Have fun."
"Absolutely not. You're coming with."
"Wha-"
He grabs my hand again, and starts pulling me along the hall. I don't resist. I don't want to. I'm just... a bit surprised.
But... I guess this is his way of... being friendly.
I still think that...
I need to find a way to handle being alone, instead of clinging to anyone who happens to be nearby.
But I... don't mind spending some time with this annoying fishman.
Maybe.
I'll probably change my mind about that as soon as he opens his stupid mouth again.