Author's note:
-This is the story of something that never happened.
To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story that up until recently was crawling along at something like one update per month at best. And, furthermore, the tone was way off base for the last arc, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.
But with all that said, it's that magical time of year again, when people in civilized nations drink eggnog, and Americans drink imitation eggnog, sometimes even mixing in alcohol and thinking they're clever for doing so. That time of the year when the Brits pull out the Christmas puddings they made up to a month ago or bought from the grocery store, and Americans look at me like I'm a crazy person for putting that much brandy in a desert. That time of the year when chalk-tasting frosted cookies that don't even taste good are on the menu, and I hate them but I can't stop eating them because their secret ingredient is intense nostalgia.
(I am an American. I just make fun of my country because our christmas cuisine is kind of weak.)
That time of year when winter colds go around, thus explaining why there wasn't an update to the main story this week. Sorry everyone, I'm feeling mostly better now.
That's right. It's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.
Grab a glass of eggnog, real or imitation, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?) tale.
(As for me, I'll be sipping a hot toddy, because my nose is still stuffy).
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I blink a few times, as my eyes regain focus in the howling snowstorm. Slowly I sit up, and wince as I rub a fresh bump on my head. "What just happened?"
I glance at the other members of last year's [Yuletide Crasher's Alliance] - er, I mean this year's. Yeah. Because the whole concept is we've been doing this all in one night…
Anyway, Sieg, Julius Caesar, Red Hare, and Merry are all here. And maybe Dagon too? Did he cause this snowstorm?
I guess we're going with 'that whole thing where Typhon showed up was totally a dream'? What lazy writing…
"You mysteriously passed out! Man, I wonder why that happened?" Says… a newcomer standing behind me!? She's got long black hair, red eyes, and is wearing a santa outfit, complete with a bag slung over her shoulder. A bunch of gun barrels are poking out of it- oi! It moved! The bag just moved!
Anyway, the only reasonable response is- "Who the hell are you!?" Not to mention, don't think I don't see that bump on your forehead! You're the reason I got knocked out, aren't you!?
"Wahaha! No one was ready for it! The Okehazama to end all Okehazamas - I've preempted my own story appearance to appear in a joke chapter instead!" She laughs. "It can't be helped, just call me- the Santa of Christmas Future!"
"We already did that one," I deadpan.
"Then I'll be," she continues without even an ounce of lost enthusiasm, "Mysterious Santa N!"
I won't dignify that with a tsukkomi. "San-tan it is. Hey, Caesar, you're our designated smart guy, why are extra characters showing up now of all times?"
"Hm, it's probably because Miss Merry and Sieg weren't funny enough!" He says.
"Hey! Take that back! I won't let you insult Merry, she's my fellow dedicated back-watcher!" I retort.
("Hahaha! I remember now!" Merry exclaims. That's convenient.)
"Nhhhey! You take that back! I'm not funny at all, I'm very serious!" Red Hare whinnies.
"I'm sorry, I'll try better…" Sieg begins writing an apology letter in the snow.
"Hey, future Master, do you need your eyes checked?" San-tan asks. "There's only one new servant here. I only showed up because-" She winks and gives me a thumbs up and roguish grin. "-don't underestimate GudaGuda particles."
"Liar! I can see something moving in your bag, and I just know it's going to be another inexplicable arrival!" And don't think that weird statement about particles will mean anything to me!
"Nah, it's probably just a Mini-Nob-" She starts to say, before immediately getting interrupted by another inexplicable arrival.
"That's right! Just for you, Fishie, the never-before-seen Winter Eliza makes her debut appearance!" Elizabeth says excitedly as she springs out of the bag, scattering muskets everywhere.
"Oh, nevermind, I called that completely wrong! It can't be helped!" San-tan laughs.
-By the way, in case anyone cares, Elizabeth's outfit this time seems to be a green ballgown meant to look like a Christmas tree, coupled with a star inexplicably floating above her head. To be honest, the ensemble ought to be totally garish, but she's pulling it off somehow - is what I would say if I was a fan of hers. But actually, I'm not, so-
"You look ridiculous," I deadpan.
Elizabeth staggers as if struck. "B-but… Fishie, you said you were my number one fan…" She mutters, tears in her eyes.
I… I won't be moved by this! "...I never said number one," I protest, looking away.
"B-but you're my first fan! That makes you number one by default! Shouldn't you know not to be rude to your beloved idol…?" Her lip wobbles.
"My beloved wha-" The penny drops. "Wait, you remember me!?"
"Duh. Why wouldn't I?" She says as if it's obvious… but that's not how Servants work!
"...I guess it must just be because this is a joke chapter," I conclude.
"H-hey! I'll remember you in the main story too! Just you wait!" Elizabeth says. "No matter how many times I return to the Throne and get resummoned! I will… definitely… sing for you!"
She's stealing my lines now!? "Thanks, but I don't really believe you…"
"Heh," San-tan gives a knowing laugh, and I glance back at her. She gives me the same wink, grin, and thumbs-up combo from before. "-don't underestimate Eliza particles."
"Don't double down on that stupid particle joke!" I shout.
***
Time passes, a plan is formulated.
"Fine! Very well! So be it! Against my better judgment, I'll support this plan!" Caesar says. "The kitchens will be infiltrated by Mysterious Santa N, Elizabeth Bathory, Miss Merry, and 'Natsumi Schwartz', with Red Hare also joining, posing as a horse for slaughter!"
"He actually is a horse though." - no one bothers saying.
"Sieg and myself shall remain outside, waiting for the signal, and once we get it, we will rush in to claim the feast for ourselves!"
…Wait, why am I even working with these guys anyway? I think I just need to get Typhon and then White Whale-kun, and I can run away?
…Well, probably not. She'll drag me into it somehow, I know how Christmas goes at this point.
But still, all I need to do now is infiltrate the kitchen with Merry, Elizabeth, and San-tan. Wow, why did I just get a shiver of impending death?
"...By the way, does anyone have a wig and some women's clothing I can use?" I ask.
I receive blank stares.
"Oh, actually, I saw a couple of snowman golems carrying high quality wigs and dresses while I was flying in," San-tan says. Oh, she crashed into me while flying, huh?
"...What the heck is a snowman golem?" I ask.
"Wahaha! You're pretty new to this Christmas thing, aren't you?" San-tan laughs. "Don't worry! My kit may be completely outdated, but that just means I'm experienced - I'll guide you through your first lotto farm, newbie! Now eat this apple."
…What?