"Show your corpse to the Three Thousand Worlds… Demon Descent! Behold the Demon King's [Three Line Formation]!" San-tan shouts as her arsenal blasts through the last wave of snow golems. "Wahaha! Did you see that!? I've been chewing through thousands at once! Ah, as I thought, being my lore-accurate self really is the best!~"
"You're firing 3,000 guns at once! Of course you're gonna mow a bunch down, just how many did you expect to get?" I say with a slightly disbelieving laugh.
"Hmm… three if I'm lucky? No, actually it can go as high as six nowadays!" She responds. "Where the hell is my battery, Lasagna!? Nobukatsu doesn't count!" What does pasta have to do with anything?
"I'm not impressed at all," Elizabeth huffs. "You dressed up in a seasonal costume and couldn't even be bothered to change your Noble Phantasm's name - why did you even bother calling yourself a 'Mysterious Santa' or whatever, when it's obvious from the start that you're-!"
"Gaaah, you're right!" She shouts so Elizabeth can't say her identity. "Okay, it can't be helped, let's call it [3000 Lumps of Coal] instead."
"By the way, why did we have to kill that many in the first place? Didn't I only need one costume?" I ask.
"It can't be helped! You need to open at least five boxes to recruit me permanently, and five more if you want those ever-so-rare golden Fous!" What boxes? What are you even talking about? "But those are rookie numbers. I won't respect you unless you open at least a hundred! Take that, Author, I know you only got thirty this year!"
"I don't know how you think you're going to get a main story appearance if you keep acting like this," Elizabeth says, shaking her head.
"Wahaha! My appearance is inevitable! I can win every popularity poll, through the power of voter fraud!" San-tan throws her head back in a laugh, as a band of… strange chibi versions of her…? As those creatures emerge from her bag carrying what look like voter registration cards.
"By the way, you're not gonna do this whole 'Mysterious Something-or-other N' gag in the main story, right?" the Lancer asks.
"Hm? It's funny, so obviously I will," San-tan replies.
"B-but this is a serious story! We can't just have you in full comedy mode the whole time!" The Idol protests. "Even I got an emotional moment where Fishie dramatically confessed his love to me!" I did what!?
"Pffft, that's so last arc! This one has Jason in it! When has Jason ever been in a serious story chapter? I bet the final boss of Okeanos will be the biggest pushover of the whole story!" The deranged woman raises flag after flag without an ounce of fear.
"...Monsieur Subaru, I'm starting to think this is all just stupid, so can we go ahead and get the infiltration over with?" Asks Merry.
"You're only just starting to think that?" I snark.
***
"-And so, Natsumi Schwartz appears!" I toss my hair (read: wig) with a grin, puffing out my chest to emphasize my (fake) bust.
…
"...That's gross," Merry says after a moment. W-well, I knew she would respond like this, so what about the other-
"E-elizabeth!? Why've you got such a hateful look on your face? Y-your hair is starting to turn gray, you're Carmillafying-!?" Also, my eyes are up here, okay!? But at least San-tan will- "HeeeEEY what's going on there!?" I shout pointing at the red-headed bombshell that replaced the black-haired gremlin while I wasn't looking.
"I shapeshifted," She says, and leaves it at that, failing to offer any further explanation.
"Well then, I believe we're ready to begin?" Red Hare says, from behind me.
"Indeed, we should be- oi." I start to say, turning towards him, but the sight of him makes me even lose the Natsumi voice for a moment.
"Where did you even find that rubber horse mask?" San-tan asks.
(In the background, Elizabeth's gaze is drawn again and again to the pile of clothing harvested from the snow golems. "Just a little padding, maybe- no! I won't lose to… to Cat-fishie!")