Author's note:
This Omake was originally posted in December of 2022, shortly after Waver's first appearance in the main story.
-This is the story of something that never happened.
To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story crawling by at a pace like this. And, furthermore, the tone is way off base, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.
But with all that said, it's that magical time of year again, when the pagan kings of northern Europe would invite their courtiers to feast with them on horse meat and blood and also just slather horse blood all over the place because apparently Odin is really into that kind of thing. That time of year when all good Christians were forbidden from eating horse meat in AD 732, because looking like a pagan is a big no-no, and even today most of those northern European cultures are quite ant-horse meat. That magical time of year where no person from the Americas would have eaten horse up until the Columbian exchange, primarily due to American horses going extinct around 7900 BC.
That time of year when every Persona Protagonist faces their climactic battle, a bit of information that the author was unaware of prior to his unannounced hiatus two months ago with the release of Persona 5 for PC. I'm sure that's just a coincidence, though.
That's right. It's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.
Grab a glass of eggnog, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?) tale.
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The Santa who Judges the Sinners, Part 3
-My face hurts. The wind is way too strong…
Slowly, I sit up, prying one eye open to gaze at my red-hatted companion, and the sea of clouds below us. Still not a dream, huh?
"Baru! Don't pass out aga~in! We've still got a long night ahead of us!" Typhon says over the howling wind.
"Can't you just take me home now? I'm so tired…" I complain. It feels like we've been at this for years…
"Maybe when you finally escape Orleans, Baru."
"Ah, so it'll continue forever, then…"
"Anyway, the next person we need to visit is a little girl named Merry!" Typhon says
"Is it really okay to use such a recently introduced Original Character here…?"
"Little Merry's letter to santa says:
'Oh Saint Barbara, Saint Louis , Saint Mark, Saint Nicholas, any Saint that is listening, please intercede for me! I'm surrounded by pagans and there's blood everywhere and they're drinking it and one of them is staring right at my hiding place, please, please, please send someone to deliver me from this trouble!'"
"What the he-ck, that sounds scary!" I shout. "Also, are we ever going to get an actual Santa letter, or is that just part of the joke?"
"[White Whale, Compact Model], descend-!"
White Whale-kun lets out a cry, and we plunge down below the clouds once more.
***
We crash through the front door of a wooden temple-looking building with a thunderous noise. The scent of blood is already reaching my nostrils as Typhon calls out into the cloud of sawdust and wood splinters.
"Santa is here! Prepare to perish, sinners!" She shouts, and as the dust settles, I can feel the eyes of half a dozen sinister-looking buff men resting on me. Two shirtless men, one with brown hair and horns and one with blonde hair and tattoos pause in the middle of an arm wrestle. A bearded blonde with eyes like a dead fish slowly lowers a glass of wine from his lips as he raises an eyebrow. A man in a hooded blue cloak pauses in the middle of smearing what looks to be blood on one of the walls and glances in our direction. A man with gray hair combed into a wave of forward-facing spikes adjusts his glasses, which glint sinisterly in the firelight. And a man with long gray hair and a glowing emblem on his chest - wait, that's Siegfried, isn't it!?
Okay this is fine. We just invaded the party of a bunch of scary heroic spirits. No big deal. After all, Typhon is powerful, so-
"Hmm? What's all this commotion?" A red-haired woman calls out as she enters from an adjoining room. She's wearing an apron and holding a ladle in her hand- "Oh, aren't you the cutest little thing! Come to the kitchen with me, I'll get you some sweets."
"Santa demands cookies!" Typhon immediately runs over to her. Oi, hang on-!
"Now, now, that's not the right way to ask for something.~" The woman replies, leading Typhon away by the hand.
"Ah-" I try to protest my single source of protection leaving.
"Please give Typhon some sweets, Onee-san~!" Typhon says
"Mm, mm, that's right!" The woman nods, and they disappear through the door into the kitchen.
A solid five seconds of awkward silence follow as I stare at the room's remaining occupants, sweat cascading down my brow, until finally -
"Kid, what the hell?" Asks the man in the blue cloak - hang on, that voice is-!
"Cu Chulainn!?" I blurt out.
"Yeah. Yule is a festival for Odin, so since I've got some links to the guy, I ended up getting dragged into being the head priest for this mess…" The Caster says with a small shrug. "But listen, even if you're usually my master, I can't exactly let this kind of thing slide, you know? Showing up uninvited is one thing, but you broke the door down and everything…"
…
"I'm very sorry, please forgive me!" I shout, bowing at a perfect 90 degree angle.
He pauses, glancing towards a large wooden statue of a horned man, and closing his eyes for a moment.
"-sorry, that's not good enough. Should have gone for the full dogeza, kid." Cu Chulainn sighs. "Well, it's still enough for me to just kick you out instead of actually killing you or something."
I laugh nervously, glancing back at the howling snowstorm outside the temple. That's no good. Seriously, just looking out there is enough to make me imagine a giant cat spirit glaring at me. I let out an involuntary shudder.
"Oh, and that girl hiding behind the statue there-" He starts.
"Kyaaaa!" Said girl lets out a piercing shriek as she charges out from behind it, dashing for the gaping hole in the wall where the door had once been. "I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die-!"
The room's other inhabitants make no effort to stop her, and an instant later she vanishes into the blizzard.
"-I was going to say 'take her with you', but I guess she left on her own." He shrugs.
A brief silence follows, and I glance back into the blizzard. "Could you maybe give me a coat or someth-"
"Ūruz." He intones, and a wave of force seizes me, flinging me into the cold night.
***
A few short moments of flight later, I crash into the still running girl, and we both tumble into cold, wet snow.
This is bad. This is all kinds of bad. I'm seriously going to freeze.
"Aaah! Aaah! No, no please!" She starts screaming again, and my teeth smash together painfully as her fist meets my jaw, knocking me off of her. "Let me go! Help, help-!" Wisely, I roll away from her flailing legs, just barely dodging being knocked prone again.
"For the love of- calm down, Merry!" I shout, and the girl pauses, opening her slightly-too-large eyes and staring at me.
"H-how do you know my name?" She asks.
Cu remembers me, but she doesn't? How the hell does any of this make sense!?
Well, other circumstances aside… "I guess you could say we heard your prayer…?"
"A-are you an angel!?" She blurts out
"I'm not." I retort, crossing both arms in front of me. "It's way more disappointing than that."
"Huh?" She tilts her head.
"I'm a reindeer."
An awkward silence follows.
"I-is that so?" She asks eventually.
"Please don't look at me with such pity in your eyes."
…
Another freezing gust of wind tears my attention away from my flaming cheeks. "Right, we should-!"
"Ohoho!" A new, male voice calls out. "I came, I saw, and what did I find - two more fellows kicked out of the celebration. Then that makes us allies, compatriots, friends-!"
Emerging from the blizzard around us, carrying a bright, warm torch, with a laurel wreath on his head, is quite possibly the fattest man I have ever seen.
"Allow us to introduce ourselves! I am Saber (for some reason), Gaius Julius Caesar, leader of the Yuletide Crashers Alliance!" From the blizzard, two more individuals emerge.
A teenage boy with red eyes and gray hair speaks quietly. "Caster, Sieg. I'm not even technically a heroic spirit, but please take care of me."
Of course neither of us are really paying attention to them, because the third member of their party is far too bizarre. With a horse's body, and a man's upper body… it's a centaur right? This is a centaur, right? But that head…
"It's a horse?" Merry asks.
"A horse? Where!?" The horse-faced centaur asks, looking around.
"She means you, right…?" I can't help but ask.
"Hm? No, that's ridiculous. I'm not a horse." The horse insists.
"Th-then what are you?" Merry replies.
"I'm the great Chinese Warrior, Lu Bu."
"I-is that so?" She says, and then glances at me.
"No, that reindeer thing was just a joke! I didn't know something like this would happen, okay?"
***
"So, tell me, my new friends - who are you and what are your abilities? I'm certain can fit you into my grand plan to infiltrate the party," Caesar says.
"Um, Merry d'Lyon! It is an honor to meet you, Lord Caesar!" Merry says with a small bow. "I'm good at repairing and washing clothes!"
"...And?"
"I can… cook and clean…?" She continues.
"...Can you though?" I ask after a moment's thought - after all, when we first met, in France…
"That's… I don't have, much experience, but I'm willing to learn!" She says.
"Hmm, inexperienced, but a self-starter.. hang on!" Caesar says. "This isn't a summer job interview, why are you only listing mundane skills? Aren't you a servant?"
"No, Lord Caesar! But I admire Mademoiselle Valour, the Governor's maid a great deal. I'd like to be like her someday!" Merry responds.
"Ah, basically, we're both just normal humans." I interrupt before Caesar can get any more confused. "I can use some magic, and I've got a couple command spells, but that's about it. And Merry is just a normal girl… I think. Probably."
"Oh lord forgive me, for consorting with witches - ah!? What do you mean you think? I'm just a normal girl from Lyon!" She protests.
"No, that's clearly not the case - you've somehow found your way back in time to Ancient Germany, and that aside, your face-" Sieg starts to say.
"I was born with this face, you scoundrel!" She shouts.
"Hey, don't judge people just because they have eyes like a dead fish!" I shout at him.
"Don't insult my eyes, you shifty-eyed boy!" Merry turns on me.
"We have the same eyes!" I retort.
"What I was saying was, her face is strangely similar to that King Clovis I back at the party." The red-eyed boy continues.
"The hell, Chlodovech was there? I didn't see him." I say.
"The blonde, bearded middle-aged guy." Sieg says.
"Are you sure? In France, he was summoned as a kid."
"Well, Servants can take different forms depending on the circumstance of their summoning, after all." Says Caesar with a laugh. "This charming girth of mine is simply the result of my class - I'm sure that had I been summoned as Rider, you could see my chiseled jaw the same as my marble bust!"
"And I guess Lu Bu wouldn't be a horse if he was summoned as something else, right?" I say, nodding.
"O-of course not! I'm not a horse in the first place! I'm Lu Bu!" The horse whinnies back.
"A-anyway, that's impossible!" Merry says. "King Clovis was a good Christian ruler. There's no way he'd take part in that barbaric pagan ritual!"
"Speaking of which, isn't Caesar a pagan too? Why aren't you freaking out about him, huh?" I ask.
"Well, Lord Caesar is one of the Nine Worthies, after all." She says matter-of-factly. "I don't know much about him, but all the nobles say he was a good man!"
"Just because some stuffy French nobles look up to him…?" I mumble. I really don't get this girl at all…
"Ahem!" Caesar coughs. "Returning to the point, you wouldn't happen to have a Servant with you, Mister…?"
"Ah, I forgot my introduction!" I say, striking my signature pose. "My name is Natsuki Subaru! Not only am I clueless, I'm also completely separated from my Servants!"
"What's that pose about…?" Sieg asks.
"It… doesn't mean anything. My dad just did the same pose when introducing himself to people, so before I knew it I was doing it too."
"Haha! Well, nothing wrong with having a family tradition, nothing wrong at all." Caesar laughs jovially. "But with that in mind, I believe we're back where we were before, my friends. Terribly outnumbered."
"Like I said, if you can keep the dragonslayers occupied, I can probably deal with the rest." Sieg says.
"Indeed. But even with Red Hare supporting me, there's not a chance I can take on Siegfried, Sigurd, and Beowulf all at once." Caesar sighs.
"Red Hare!? Where?" Asks the horse who seems to in fact be Red Hare.
"Wait, are you seriously that much of a big shot that you can take on Chlodovech, Cu Chulainn, and that guy with the horns all on your own!?" I ask.
"When you say it like that, I feel much less confident." He says. "But to make a long story short, some stuff happened, and now I'm Fafnir."
"...What." Does not compute.
"It's called the [Evil Dragon Phenomenon]. People who exhibit overwhelming greed just sort of transform into Fafnir naturally, apparently." The self-proclaimed Evil Dragon says. "Though in my case it's a bit more complicated."
"I guess that explains how both Siegfried and Sigurd can have killed Fafnir." I sigh. "To be honest, I don't even want to get into that Yule party, but they sort of stole my ride, so it can't be helped. Typhon is… well, she isn't strong, exactly, but Sigurd cheated on his wife or something, right? She should be able to take him down. We just need to find a way to smuggle her out of the kitchen."
"It's an iron age German kitchen, though. There's no way any men will be allowed in there." Sieg notes, and slowly turns to stare at Merry.
"N-no! Go back there… I can't!" She wilts under his gaze. Yeah, she doesn't strike me as someone who can tell a lie to save her life. Someone else will have to handle the infiltration, which means…
"In that case… I suppose this looks like a job for Natsumi Schwarz."
"Actually, Baru, we're out of time! It's already January!" Says Typhon, appearing from nowhere.
"Eh!? Hang on! The author procrastinated that long!?" I shout.
"Sorry, Baru! You'll have to wait until next year to disguise yourself as a woman!"
"C-c-crossdressing!? That's sinful!" Merry gasps, scandalized.
"I can't say I approve either…" Caesar mutters. "Caesar cannot be associated with the methods of Clodius."
"Hmph! In that case, it can't be helped - I'll have to disguise myself as a horse!" Says Red Hare.