Author's note:
This omake was originally posted in December of 2021, shortly after d'Eon's first appearance in the main story.
-This is a tale of something that never happened.
To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story crawling by at a pace like this. And, furthermore, the tone is way off base, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.
But, with all that said, it's that magical time of year again. The same time of the year that the Green Knight Bertiak approached the knights of the round and tricked(?) Sir Gawain into cutting his head off(??) in order to scare Guinevere to death(???) as part of a convoluted scheme by Morgan to kill Arthur's wife even though she was putting her own son in jeopardy(????).
Yeah, I don't get it either. But it did make Gawain look like a total badass and give him a neat belt and axe.
Anyway, it's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.
Grab a glass of eggnog, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?????) tale.
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The Santa who Judges the Sinners, Part 2
-My face is cold.
"Ah, Baru, you passed out again! Wake uuuup!"
My eyes snap open. "Wait, it's this again!? I thought that was just a bad dream!"
"Wahaha!~ Baru, you dummy - we've only visited one kid tonight-" Typhon laughs.
"Tonight!? It felt like an entire year passed!"
"-did you really think Typhon would be satisfied with that? Typhon is set on milking as many chapters out of this gimmick as she can, because she knoooows she won't get an actual in-story appearance.~" The Witch of Pride says with a mocking shrug.
"Please just send me home already…" I mutter, glancing over the edge of the sleigh to see a fog-shrouded city lit by gaslamp - I can still see Big Ben, so I guess we're still in-
"Our next stop is Victorian London!" She shouts, pumping her fist in the air.
"Oi, am I supposed to yell about the fact that this thing can time travel, or the fact that we skipped the entire rest of the Clock Tower." I ask as I massage my brow. I can already feel the migraine coming on.
"Of course Santa's sleigh can time travel, how else is she going to visit every kid on the same night?~"
"So it was the first one, huh?"
Typhon pulls her list from her pocket once more. "The next person we need to visit is Little Ebenezer Holmes!~"
"Ah, we're mixing random servants with other figures this time, huh? I thought the Author said he wasn't doing GudaGuda events though…" I mutter.
"Baru, breaking the fourth wall this much is a writing sin, so stop it, okay?"
"Sorry, go on."
"-Ebenezer's letter to Santa says:
'It seems I've been summoned to a rather queer singularity, and merged with another famous englishman to boot. Considering that we have already been attacked by the Ghost of Marley, Cratchit and I deduce that the rest of the Christmas Carol ghosts we encounter tonight will be hostile - with that in mind, I've decided to write a christmas wish, with the hopes that we can use it to chain-summon Saint Nicholas to our aid. Please help us, Santa Claus.
P.S. The usual "sugar" that I ask for each year would not go amiss. Ha ha!'"
"-Oi, doesn't that actually sound like a ton of trouble!? And what was that about-?"
"[White Whale, Compact Model] - descend!" She shouts with a laugh, and the sleigh screams out a curtain of fog as we dive through the choking smog.
We land with a resounding crash, smashing the cobbled street to pieces as poor White Whale-kun groans in pain again.
Slowly, I stand, rubbing my bruised tailbone. "Oi, Typhon, you've got to get better at landing this thing. I might get seriously hurt at this rate."
"Wahaha! Didn't you know, Baru? It's Christmas! And nothing bad happens on Christmas."
Of course, it's at the very moment that Typhon raises the flag, that she emerges from the fog. A beautiful woman in a black miniskirt, with poofy cotton edges and a green and red ribbon securing a black cloak around her shoulders. A black Santa hat is perched on her pale blonde hair, beneath which are her piercing yellow eyes. In one hand, she's carrying a large burlap sack, and in the other, a glowing black and red sword-
"Oh god, it's Arthur again." I groan. "…Why are you wearing a Santa costume?"
"I am the Santa of Christmas past." She says, straight-faced.
"Oh, good, here I was worried it would be for a reason that made sense." I mutter.
"Prepare yourself! [Excalibur-!" Black energy surges from her sword.
"There's nothing Santa about you! You're the exact same as ever! [E-M-M]!" I yell, grabbing Typhon and expending a Command Spell.
"...Morgaaaaan]!"
The wave of tainted mana crashes over me in a blinding torrent - but with [EMM] active, it doesn't actually touch me or Typhon.
I've faced this Noble Phantasm before, so I know. I know exactly when its torrent will end, and assuming she doesn't have a Grail powering her this time, she won't be able to fire off another quite as fast. And so, the moment it cuts off, before she has a chance to realize I avoided it-!
The blast ends, and I chuck Typhon at Arthur with all of my might.
"Waaaaah! Typhon is flyiiiing!" She yells in a childish mix of joy and fear.
"What-?" Arthur's sword hesitates for a split second.
"Ei!~" Typhon shouts as she impacts Arthur with her fist, and the King of Knights shatters into twenty or so pieces. A moment later, the Witch jumps to her feet. "Wahaha!~ Take that, sinner! How dare you attack Santa! Now all you get is Typhon's just- ehhhh? Baru, she's not puking blood, what's going oooon!?"
"Ah, come to think of it, the last time we ran into her she said she only turned evil after she was dead, so her intent aside, she hasn't actually done anything bad yet… or something like that." I say with a shrug.
"Mm.. that sounds kind of unconvincing." The witch says, stroking her fake beard.
"Kill me. I refuse to live with this humiliation." Arthur's severed head says.
"Oh, she's alive because it would be funny to carry her around with us!" Typhon slaps her fist into her palm.
"That must be it." I nod, picking up the Saber's head and handing it to her.
"You dare mock the pride of a Santa!? My fellow Santas will certainly avenge me!" She shouts angrily.
"It's a bold assertion that such a symbol of rampant consumerism could be said to have pride." A man's voice calls out as he emerges from the foggy night. Wearing a black overcoat, with slicked back gray hair and a pipe in one hand, he stalks forward into view, eyeing Typhon and myself. "...I suppose it was too much to hope for an actual Saint to manifest on this bizarre night. I am Ebenezer Holmes. If I were summoned normally I would say it was a pleasure to meet you, but as it is the only thing I can ask for is a profitable business relationship. Ha ha!"
"You said it anyway, just in a backhanded way!" I protest.
"An excellent deduction, though I hope you aren't planning on charging a detective fee. I can't abide a business rival." He says with a puff of his pipe. Then he yells behind him, "Cratchit, I found them! Get over here, you waste of coin!"
"Righty-o, here I am!" A blond youth leaps out of the fog. "It's me, Flat Cratchit, at your- oooohhh, it's Pleiades! What've you been up to?"
…I really wasn't ready to deal with Flat-senpai today, but here we are.
"Uh… I got involved in saving the world. And then got abducted by a Loli Santa from another world. We just got done breaking into Professor Velvet's office and nearly killing him." I say, rubbing the back of my head.
"Eh, so you finally made your attempt at killing the Big Ben London Star, huh? Nice job, nice job!" He laughs and claps me on the back.
"Oi, that's supposed to be a bad thing, you idiot! Don't praise me for it!"
"It's fine, it's fine! Everyone in the Modern Magecraft Department tries to kill Professor Velvet at least once. It's like a rite of passage!"
"What kind of fucked up school is- wait, that's a stupid question."
"Yep!" He laughs.
"As amusing as this is, it seems our next visitor has arrived." Holmes says, puffing his pipe.
"Eh? Who is it, who is it?~" Typhon makes her hands into a little goggle shape, dropping the head of Arthur, who lets out a small yelp.
"N-now, face your doom!" The Saber says as she rolls across the street. "The Santa of Christmas Present!"
"A shame then," Standing in the lamplight as the fog clears, a green-cloaked, santa-hatted figure glances over his shoulder at us, eyes sparking. "That the only ones who receive a 'present' from me, the Santa of Monte Cristo, are the good of heart! Kuhahaha!"
"Booo! Your pun sucks! Are you even trying?" Flat yells.
Dantes ignores him, continuing his monologue. "One such as you, Ebenezer Holmes, who deconstructs Christmas beneath his cold microscope, could never hope to overcome-!"
"I've already figured you out by deconstructing you beneath my cold microscope." Holmes says as a dozen large lenses manifest, shining spotlights upon the Count, who reels backwards. "Whatever your holiday business, I'll see through it… [Humbug, My Dear]."
"-Now, while he's blinded! Get him, Tiny Jack!" Flat yells, and suddenly a young boy is standing behind Dantes, leaning on a pair of crutches.
"...This is so embarrassing," The boy mutters as he runs a hand down his face. "Why did we get summoned like this? I'm going to hold this against you for a long time, Flat."
"Eh? Why is it my fault?" The Magus protests.
"Oh come on! You're the one who made the decision back in Snowfield that got us stuck together like this!" The kid shouts in response, dodging around a blast of black flame from Dantes and jabbing him in the gut using his crutch.
"Not the crutch, use your Noble Phantasm, your Noble Phantasm!" Flat yells.
"No! It's too embarra-" The boy yells, but he's cut off when his body is reduced to ashes by a gout of black flame.
"Ah, Jack died!" Typhon says.
"Alas, poor Tiny Jack." Flat shakes his head mournfully.
"...Oi, don't make a joke out of-" I start to say, only for another young boy to emerge from the Fog and whack Dantes's shin with his crutch. "Nevermind, he's fine!?"
"Kuhaha! You think such things will affect me!?" Dantes shouts, clutching at his shin and hopping up and down, tears in his eyes. "I have a skill that suppresses pain, this won't- ow! Ow, ow, ow, stop!"
He falls over as Tiny Jack whacks his other shin, rolling back and forth. The little kid, just continues the abuse, beating the Avenger over and over.
"Ha ha! My Noble Phantasm eliminates all defenses of its target. Foolish spirit, did you think you could face Ebenezer Holmes unprepared?" Holmes boasts.
"Guh- then I'll use my own -ow! I - ow! Follow a - ow! Path beyond - ow! Love and hate - ow! [Santa Château d'If]!" The Avenger yells, and flickers out of existence, a dozen afterimages appearing in the air surrounding us. A dome of black flame begins to rain down-
"Fine, fine I'll use it if you won't!" Says Flat. "[Christmas Goose From Hell]!"
"""What.""" Holmes, Arthur, and myself all respond in the same utterly baffled manner.
"Woah!" Typhon yells in excitement. "Baru, you told Typhon you didn't get Mabeasts here!"
A giant creature manifests from nowhere - a colossal goose with three heads and six horns, fanged bills dripping with poison.
The beast roars, a shockwave repelling Dantes's Black flames, and an instant later, its fangs close on his true body, tearing him in half.
But as his torso falls to the ground - "Not yet, I'm not satisfied yet! [Attendre, Christmas]!" His body repairs itself in an instant, and he flickers forwards, hand driving towards my chest-!
"-Take this, sinner! Hiya!" Typhon yells, and Edmond Dantes breaks into several chunks, spewing blood.
"Ah, he was actually a sinner." I note.
"Kuhaha, you think that's enough-! [Attendre, Christmas]! Edmond yells, and the chunks of his body stop bleeding - but they don't come back together, and his head flops to the ground with a thud. "Ow!"
Typhon prances up to it and lifts his head above her own, laughing. "Hey, Baru, look! The Kuhaha guy didn't die either!"
"Kuhaha guy!?" The Avenger's voice cracks a bit as he yells in protest.
"So we're gonna collect all three, huh?" I ask with a forced grin. "Who's next?"
"That would be the most menacing of the three if the pattern is anything to go by." Holmes says. "First we had the ethereal beauty, then the laughing man - and now comes the black-cloaked angel of death, the Santa of Christmas Future-!"
"Oh, do I get a peek at a future boss fight?" I ask, peering into the fog. Slowly, a black shape comes into view, and all kinds of emotions surge through my chest.
Eerily, she drifts towards us, and it clicks in my head. Of course she'd be here. Christmas is a season of giving, but it's also a season of Romance - there's no way she'd pass up the chance, is there?
Silver hair and purple eyes, visible beneath the black shroud of shadows surrounding her. A mournful look on her face as she gazes upon me, tears just barely threatening to spill forth.
Luckily, she isn't muttering words of love right now, which means…
"Ah! Hi Tella!" Typhon waves excitedly at the Girl Who is Not the Witch of Envy.
"I am… the Santa of Christmas Future." Satella whispers.
"Hmph. So you're Christmas Future." Holmes notes. "Then in that case, Spirit-"
"No, you guys don't need to fight here." I say with a sigh. "I'll handle this one. Oi, Typhon, can I..?" I ask, reaching for a certain item.
She's confused for a moment, glancing back and forth between Satella and myself, before realization dawns. "Ah! You're right, Baru - you take it! Mama gave Typhon spares."
"Thanks. I'll be back in a bit, guys. We're just going to go for a little walk." I say, walking past Satella for a few steps, and then glancing back at her. "Well? Are you coming?"
The Girl Who is Not the Witch nods once, hesitantly, and she follows me into the foggy winter night.
***
We walk in silence for a little bit. I've got everything and nothing to say all at once, and I'm not sure where to begin. And, well, she has her own circumstances, I'm pretty sure.
We cross a silent bridge, and a noise draws my attention to the Thames below, where small chunks of ice crunch gently against one another. Not quite able to flow freely, not quite able to freeze solid, they drift down the muddy water with a kind of lazy violence.
It's a strange sight, but somehow, it feels right, for a night like this. I glance at my companion, and see her open her mouth.
"...You don't have to speak." I say, and she closes her mouth. "It hurts you, right? To say things in that state, is painful or something. That's why you're so untalkative, limiting yourself to just what has to be said - that's right, isn't it?"
Of course, as far as her counterpart is concerned, any amount of pain is bearable, as long as she can say the words she wants to say to me.
Satella doesn't give any affirmative response, but she goes quiet. I'll take that as a yes, I guess.
"That's fine. All I'm good at is talking big, so I'll talk for both of us." I give her a small smile.
She says nothing, her sad eyes boring into me. I think, I really wish that I could change those eyes of hers. So, with a sigh as I glance down at the slushy water, I start to talk.
"This was a lot easier before. Back when I could just reject you, I mean, when I could simply say 'I don't know you' and be done with it. But after that talk in Echidna's place, I didn't want to be mean about it. And after Atlas, I'm not so sure what to think about the rest of it."
I pause for a moment, glancing at her face. For a second, it seems a bit confused to me, but maybe I'm just imagining it. "Ah, Quasar said you couldn't see me down there, so I guess you don't know what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter. I won't be going back there, no matter what Flugel had in mind. It's just not worth the hassle if I fuck up again."
When I died in Atlas, my ghost was trapped there until the world was incinerated - that was part of their defense system. The Witch hadn't been able to find me, and for a while I was worried I would be trapped forever. But when humanity was wiped out, the defense systems turned off, and I Returned By Death - is what I'm pretty sure happened. I'd really rather not think about other possibilities about my escape there, so let's ignore it for now.
"Sorry for pushing it so hard back in Fuyuki, by the way. That was mean of me. I'll try to be more considerate going forward." I sigh, and then stand up straight. "...Anyway, I haven't forgotten. About what you asked me to do, or what I promised you. I'm going to make it back, and I will definitely save you. You've got that, right?" I ask, pointing at her.
She says nothing, and it clicks.
"Ah, I get it. You can't hear me in the first place, can you?" I ask, chuckling a bit. "I guess that's what happens when you're in a seal a world away, huh?"
More silence.
"Then I'll skip to the point, I guess." Stepping forward, I reach towards her, and plant Typhon's Santa hat squarely atop her head. For a moment, I think I see the corners of her lips twitch in amusement, but maybe that's wishful thinking.
"Smile, Santella. It's Christmas, after all, so I'll give you this at the very least. I know you already said I gave you stuff, but I don't remember anything like that - so I'll give you this, at the very least. Not to thank you for your gift, but just because I want you to have it. I'm sure, that's how it was for the other guy too."
"I love you." She murmurs.
"...Sorry, I still don't know the right answer for that." I sigh, stepping back. "...But I'll figure it out, someday. For now, though - Merry Christmas, Santella! Keep your eyes on me - I'm sure I'm going to need your help a lot more before this is all over - but I'll see it through."
And so, with a wave, I walk forward into the foggy night, with the Girl Who is Not the Witch staring after me.
***
Eventually, after getting lost once or twice, I find my way back to where White Whale-kun and the rest of everyone is. The Christmas Goose From Hell is gone, and it seems that Typhon already got started on the gifts - Tiny Jack is leafing through what looks to be some kind of police dossier, Dantes is staring vacantly into the night sky, and Arthur's disembodied head, while still as obviously miserable as before, now has a plush lion leaning against her cheek.
"...I didn't take you for the type to enjoy stuffed animals." I note.
"I do not. This gift is insulting. I am not a child." She grumbles, eyes never leaving it.
"...Do you want me to take it away?"
"No!" She shouts, voice cracking. "A-ahem. That is, I shall not allow one such as you to take me possessions."
"I see." I nod. So she likes it after all, huh?
"Ah, Baru! Welcome back!" Typhon shouts. "How did it go with Tella?"
"About as well as could be expected, I guess." I shrug. "She liked the hat, I think. What about you guys?"
"Things have resolved quite nicely. Some time after you left with Christmas Future, the spirits of Scrooge and Cratchit returned to the throne, so now all that's left is myself and Mister Escardos." Holmes says, puffing his pipe. "On that note, since I couldn't say it before - a very merry christmas to you both."
"Merry Christmas, little Ebenezer!" Typhon says as she throws a bag of sugar at him, knocking him off balance.
Holmes staggers a bit. "N-no, like I said, I'm just Sherlock now - ah, this is just cane sugar. Tch."
"Let's not talk about what you actually wanted, Mister Rathbone!" Flat laughs. "Anyway, what did you bring me, huh? Huh?"
"I really am Sherlock Holmes, though, not the actor who played him in the 1940s…" Holmes mutters.
"Typhon already gave a present to little Jack, though?" Typhon tilts her head. What was the deal between the two of them anyway? It seemed like Flat used Jack's Noble Phantasm, right?
"Oh come on, he's Jack! I'm Flat! We're two totally different people." Flat gives a totally half assed argument, but…
"Hmmm… that does make sense to Typhon! Okay!" The literal child is obviously completely fooled by it. "Here, you can have this Steam key for the hit Video Game, 'Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World- The Prophecy of the Throne'!"
"Amazing! I hear it has a story written by Nagatsuki Tappei and illustrations by Shinichirou Otsuka!" Flat shills flawlessly.
"Hey, is this level of blatant advertising really okay!?" I ask.
"Hm, if I were him, I would have preferred 'Melty Blood: Type Lumina'." Holmes says, setting his bag of sugar on the ground.
"We're not getting paid for these blatant advertisements, you know!" I continue to protest.
"Alright, Baru, are you ready to go? We need to hurry to the next stop!" Typhon says, running back to [White Whale - Compact Model].
"Ugh, there's more!? I was hoping we'd end this series here!"
"The spirit of Christmas ne~ver ends, Baru! Kuhahaha!~" She laughs.
"...Hey, wasn't that different from your normal laugh?"
"Typhon took it from the Kuhaha guy!" The Witch boasts proudly.
"Speaking of which, what did you give that guy? He looks totally out of it." I ask.
"Oh, Typhon gave him some hashish."
"Even though we've been sidestepping Holmes's drug issue this entire time!?"