I woke up feeling like a hollowed-out husk of a human being.
My Cowper's Meridian was a barren, desolate wasteland. Between my horrifyingly explicit encounter with the Dowager Empress and Junior Sister Gou-Na's subsequent ambush in the resting room, my leaky bucket was completely, tragically dry. I lay flat on my back on the thin cot, genuinely wondering if a mortal could die from extreme pelvic exhaustion.
The door to my tiny room clicked open.
Lo Yu strolled in, leaning on his walking stick. He took one look at my pale, trembling form and took a slow drag from his bamboo pipe.
"You smell of Imperial saliva and outer-court desperation," Lo Yu rasped, casually blowing a smoke ring. "I see you have been rigorously maintaining your cultivation base. Excellent. You will need the stamina."
"Boss," I wheezed. "I have no stamina. My Adamantine Pillar is offline. I am medically unfit to practice law."
Lo Yu ignored my suffering. He reached into his dark silk robes and pulled out a heavy scroll sealed with crimson wax.
"The physical condition of your Yang-Root is no longer my primary concern, Junior Associate," Lo Yu grinned, his missing-tooth smile stretching wide. "Because we have just received the greatest settlement offer in the history of the firm."
I tried to sit up, my joints popping. "What is that?"
"It is an official Imperial Decree from the Sovereign of the Scarlet Lotus," Lo Yu announced. "The Dowager Empress was highly impressed by your... legal briefs. She is offering you limitless access to the Imperial Treasury, a private floating island, and a permanent position as her Official Concubine."
My blood instantly ran cold.
The image of her surgically stretched, perpetually surprised face flashed before my eyes. She wanted me back in her gilded cage. She wanted to permanently attach herself to my Cowper's Meridian and drain me every single night for the rest of her thousand-year lifespan.
"No!" I shrieked, scrambling backward and clutching my thin blanket like a shield. "I refuse! I do not consent! Tell her my Dantian fell out!"
"I will tell her no such thing," Lo Yu scoffed, tossing the scroll onto my lap. "Do you realize the money we can extract from the Imperial Treasury? We are taking this deal, He Lu. You are going to be a royal sugar-baby, and the firm takes thirty percent of your allowance."
"I won't survive the week!" I yelled, frantically unrolling the scroll. "Look at me! If I go back to her chambers tonight, she is going to suck my soul straight out of my body! I need a legal defense! I need a loophole!"
I threw the blankets off, my jelly-like legs barely supporting my weight as I scrambled toward my travel bag. I grabbed a massive stack of cheap legal pads and my charcoal pencil.
"Boss, you have to help me," I pleaded, my Earth-realm legal paranoia shifting into overdrive. "We can't reject a Royal Decree outright. That's treason. We have to treat this as a hostile business negotiation. We have to write a contract so terrible, so completely insulting and suffocating, that she voluntarily tears it up!"
Lo Yu paused. His single visible eye narrowed. "A poison pill contract."
"Exactly!" I slammed my pencil onto the paper. "We are drafting a Prenuptial Agreement! Let us begin with the Voluntary Participation Clause. We state that my 'bedroom services' cannot be forced by royal decree. I have the right to refuse work at any time."
Lo Yu's greedy grin returned. He pulled up a wooden stool. "Brilliant. But we must address the physical damage to your body. Add a Workplace Hazard Pay Clause. If Her Imperial Majesty exceeds the agreed-upon limits and injures your lower Dantian, she must pay for all medical bills and give us a massive severance package."
"Got it," I muttered, furiously scribbling. "And we need an Out of Ammo Exemption. If my Cowper's Meridian runs dry, it legally counts as a natural disaster. It immediately suspends all my husband-duties without penalty."
"And the ultimate deterrent," Lo Yu whispered, puffing his pipe. "The Loss of Royal Immunity. If she signs this, she legally gives up her right to act like an Empress during an argument. She agrees that if we have a dispute, she can be sued in a normal, mortal courtroom just like a peasant."
I grinned like a madman. We weren't just writing a pre-nup. We were building a four-hundred-page fortress of pure, unadulterated red tape.
Out in the pristine, white-jade hallway of the competitor's wing, two massive Imperial Eunuchs were marching toward my room.
They wore gold-plated armor and carried an enclosed Imperial carriage. They were ready to transport the Empress's new peasant toy directly to the Inner Palace.
But their path was suddenly blocked.
Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan stood dead center in the hallway.
She was wearing her crisp, blue Jade Water Sect law enforcement uniform, but she did not look pristine. Her flawless face was flushed a vibrant, burning shade of scarlet. A thick, undeniably hot wisp of steam curled from the collar of her robes.
Ever since she had hidden in the rafters and watched the Empress aggressively milk He Lu's Adamantine Pillar, her Ice Dao had been completely, catastrophically compromised. Her lower Dantian clenched involuntarily just thinking about the heavy, musky scent of his localized Yang-field. She had spent the entire night suffering from embarrassing, steam-venting bodily reactions that completely defied her orthodox training.
And now, the Empress was sending her goons to collect him.
A dark, feral surge of violently repressed jealousy erupted in Ho Li-Fan's chest.
He is my suspect, Ho Li-Fan thought to herself, her fists clenching so hard her knuckles turned white. His unregulated meridian enhancements are my jurisdiction. I will not let that heavily-botoxed monarch monopolize his energy. He is critical to an ongoing investigation.
It was a blatant, corrupt excuse, and she knew it.
"Halt," Ho Li-Fan commanded, holding up her silver Sect badge. Her voice cracked slightly, but the sheer, freezing authority of her aura forced the Eunuchs to stop.
"Step aside, Fairy Ho," the lead Eunuch sneered. "We carry a royal summons from the Dowager Empress. We are here to collect the wildcard competitor."
"The competitor is currently under strict Sect quarantine," Ho Li-Fan lied effortlessly, officially crossing the line into police corruption.
The Eunuchs blinked. "Quarantine? For what?"
"For... severe structural instability," Ho Li-Fan snapped, desperate to stall them. Steam hissed softly from her sleeves. "He is a biohazard. He leaks pre-circulation fluids at highly illegal volumes. Releasing him into the Inner Palace without proper hazardous material containment would violate Capital Health and Safety codes."
"The Empress does not care about health codes!" the Eunuch argued, taking a step forward. "Move, or face charges of treason!"
Ho Li-Fan didn't move. She dropped her hand to the hilt of her icy-blue sword. The hallway plummeted to absolute zero, coating the marble walls in jagged frost. But beneath the ice, her cheeks burned with a deeply possessive fire.
"If you want him," Ho Li-Fan hissed, her eyes narrowing into dangerous slits, "you will have to file a transfer request in triplicate. Until then, nobody touches his caulk but me."
She realized what she had just said a fraction of a second too late.
The Eunuchs stared at her, utterly baffled.
Ho Li-Fan's entire face turned the color of a ripe tomato. "I meant his... his legal files! The firm's paperwork!"
Before the standoff could escalate into a full-blown diplomatic incident, the wooden door to the resting room swung open.
I marched out into the hallway, holding a stack of legal pads so thick it required both hands. Lo Yu strolled out behind me, adjusting his eyepatch while the cross-eyed goat trotted at his heels.
"Gentlemen!" I announced cheerfully, stepping around the steaming, heavily-flustered Ice Beauty. "I assume you are here regarding the Empress's generous offer of employment?"
The lead Eunuch tore his confused gaze away from Ho Li-Fan and bowed stiffly to me. "Indeed. The Sovereign of the Scarlet Lotus demands your immediate presence in her bedchamber. The carriage awaits."
"I am deeply honored," I smiled, adopting my slickest, most corporate persona. "However, I consider her Royal Decree to be a starting offer. As a practicing lawyer, I am formally issuing a Counter-Offer to establish the rules before I surrender my physical assets."
I slammed the four-hundred-page Prenuptial Agreement onto the Eunuch's armored chest. He grunted, struggling to hold the sheer weight of the paper.
"What is this?" the Eunuch demanded, staring at the charcoal-smudged pages.
"It is a legally binding list of Boundaries," I declared proudly. "If the Empress wishes to retain my services, she must sign all four hundred pages. I direct your attention to Subsection 4, which outlines the Automatic Penalty Fee. If she drains my energy past the acceptable safety limits, she agrees to immediately pay a penalty of forty percent of the Imperial Treasury."
The Eunuchs stared at the document in absolute horror.
"You... you are issuing demands to the Sovereign?!" the Eunuch gasped. "This clause demands she give up her Royal Immunity!"
"Standard liability protection!" I yelled back, jabbing my finger at the paper. "And Clause 88 clearly states that if the Capital Magistrates reject my demand for a mandatory five-day weekend, the rest of the contract stays in full effect! Take it to her. If she agrees to the safety rules, I will gladly become her concubine. If not, the offer is legally void."
The Eunuchs looked at each other. They looked at the massive stack of dense, insulting Earth-realm rules. They knew that if they handed this disrespectful trash to the Empress, she would likely have them all executed.
"You are a madman," the Eunuch whispered, backing away slowly.
"I am a stickler for workplace safety!" I corrected, pointing my charcoal pencil at him. "I do not recognize Royal Decrees that don't come with health insurance! Now go file your paperwork!"
The Eunuchs turned and practically sprinted down the hallway, taking the empty carriage with them, terrified of being blamed for the contract.
I let out a massive sigh of relief, leaning against the doorframe. My leaky bucket was safe. The Dowager Empress was not going to sign a contract that gave up her royal immunity just to sleep with me.
Lo Yu patted my shoulder. "A masterful deployment of bureaucracy, Junior Associate. You weaponized the red tape beautifully."
I grinned, but my smile faltered when I looked up.
Senior Sister Ho Li-Fan was still standing in the hallway.
She was staring at me. The frosty, unapproachable detective was gone. Instead, she looked at me with a terrifying mixture of intense relief, burning arousal, and absolute, possessive ownership. She had just watched me legally reject the most powerful woman in the realm, and her melting Ice Dao found the display of sheer audacity incredibly, intoxicatingly attractive.
"You didn't go with them," Ho Li-Fan whispered, taking a slow step toward me, a wisp of hot steam escaping her lips.
I swallowed hard, my paranoia instantly returning.
She's trying to honey-trap me, my brain screamed. She wants the caulk for the evidence locker!
"Of course not!" I squeaked, backing into the room and grabbing the door handle. "I know my rights, Officer! You can't entrap me without a warrant!"
Ho Li-Fan didn't argue. She just smiled—a tiny, dangerous, predatory smile—and turned to walk away, leaving a puddle of melted frost on the jade floor.
I slammed the door shut, locked the deadbolt, and slid down the wall. I had survived the Empress, but I was beginning to realize that the corrupt cop was going to be a much bigger, much more persistent problem.