The Dowager Empress of the Scarlet Lotus did not sign the Prenuptial Agreement.
Apparently, demanding that a thousand-year-old monarch give up her Royal Immunity, pay hazard-pay for Dantian extraction, and submit to a mandatory five-day weekend was a bridge too far even for a woman who desperately craved my unwashed, peasant musk.
Instead of a signed contract, the two gold-plated Imperial Eunuchs returned to our safehouse with a different piece of parchment. It was a Royal Decree of Eviction.
"The Sovereign of the Scarlet Lotus hereby rejects the counter-offer of Litigation Master He," the lead Eunuch announced, unrolling a black scroll that literally glowed with terrifying Imperial Qi. "Furthermore, for the sheer, unmitigated audacity of attempting to legally repossess the Imperial Navy in the event of an argument, the Lo & He Law Firm is permanently sanctioned."
"Sanctioned?!" I gasped, clutching my travel bag of stolen thongs. "I'm a Sovereign Citizen! You can't sanction my legal genius!"
"The firm is hereby banned from the Royal Capital," the Eunuch continued smoothly. "Your VIP breathing privileges are revoked. And as a punitive measure, Her Imperial Majesty has officially designated Junior Associate He Lu as an 'Aesthetically Displeasing Nuisance.' You are ordered to leave the city on the back of an onion merchant's cart. Immediately."
Lo Yu took a long, unbothered drag from his bamboo pipe.
"Well, Junior Associate," Lo Yu rasped, adjusting his eyepatch. "It seems our work here is done. We invalidated the Omni-Dao patent, secured fifty high-grade spirit stones, and managed to avoid execution. I call that a resounding victory for the working class."
"I am legally recognized as ugly by the monarchy!" I shrieked as the Eunuchs aggressively ushered us out the door.
Two weeks later, we were back where we belonged.
The air in Heavenly Peak City was crisp, but inside the Lo & He Law Firm, it smelled reassuringly of boiled cabbage, cheap brothel wine, and the acidic drool of a three-headed hellhound.
I sat behind our oversized wine-barrel desk, savoring the familiar surroundings. Mr. Wiggles was sound asleep on the pine floorboards, taking up exactly seventy percent of the room. The cross-eyed goat was curled up comfortably on top of the hound's middle head, lazily chewing on a rejected invoice.
We were home. And we were open for business.
The beaded curtain that served as our front door rattled violently.
A young man stormed into our office. He was wearing shimmering, emerald-green silk robes that probably cost more than the entire Spring Breeze Pavilion next door. He had the classic, punchable face of an arrogant Young Master, but right now, he was practically vibrating with indignation.
"Are you the Litigation Masters?!" the Young Master demanded, slamming his fist onto our wine barrel. "I need to file a lawsuit! Immediately!"
Lo Yu, who had been meticulously polishing his collection of glowing boar tusks, smoothly slid a blank legal pad across the barrel.
"Welcome to the Lo & He Law Firm," Lo Yu purred, his missing-tooth smile stretching wide. "We specialize in the aggressive extraction of justice. Who are we ruining today?"
"A filthy, unwashed mortal peasant!" the Young Master yelled, pacing back and forth in front of Mr. Wiggles. "I am Young Master Jin of the Heavenly Cloud Sect! This morning, I was cruising down the central market avenue in my newly customized, low-riding Spirit Chariot. It has an advanced wind-gathering array and a custom pearl-inlay paint job!"
"A fine vehicle," I nodded, poising my charcoal pencil over the pad. "And what did this peasant do? Did he scratch it?"
"He bled on it!" Jin shrieked, his voice cracking with pure elitist trauma. "I was only going eighty miles an hour through a crowded pedestrian zone! The peasant simply walked into the street with his cart of cabbages! I couldn't stop in time!"
I paused. I slowly looked up from my notepad.
"Wait," I said, blinking. "You were speeding through a pedestrian market, and you ran over a guy?"
"He ran into my chariot!" Jin corrected furiously. "His body completely shattered my front left hovering-fin! And worse, his peasant blood permanently stained the pearl inlay! Do you have any idea how much it costs to buff out mortal blood from high-grade spiritual wood?! I was emotionally devastated!"
I stared at him. He had committed a textbook hit-and-run, severely injured a pedestrian, and his first instinct was to sue the victim for ruining his paint job. It was the most horrifically arrogant, beautifully profitable thing I had ever heard.
"Young Master Jin," Lo Yu rasped, his single visible eye gleaming with unregulated greed. "This is a clear case of gross negligence on the part of the pedestrian. He failed to yield to a superior cultivator. He created a traumatic, hazardous driving environment for you."
"Exactly!" Jin beamed, finally finding someone who validated his delusions. "I want to sue him for the repair costs of the chariot, the loss of the cabbages—which got stuck in my exhaust array—and profound emotional distress!"
"We can certainly represent you," I said, tapping my charcoal pencil. "But a countersuit from the City Guard is likely. They tend to frown upon vehicular manslaughter. We will need a substantial retainer to navigate the Capital traffic codes."
Before Jin could pull out his pouch of spirit stones, a familiar, muffled sound echoed through the office.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
It came from the alleyway outside. Specifically, from the third glory hole on the rotting pine wall.
Young Master Jin froze, looking at the waist-high hole in the wall. "What is that?"
"Hey!" a gruff, muffled voice whispered from the alleyway. "Is the blind guy in? I got a coupon from Madam Hua! Let's get this moving!"
Jin's jaw dropped as an aggressively veiny, glowing pink "Yang-Root" thrust through the hole, wiggling around in the empty air of our office.
"By the Heavens!" Jin shrieked, scrambling backward and pointing at the wall. "What kind of demonic establishment is this?!"
"It is a highly secure legal environment," I said smoothly, not even blinking. I didn't reach for a wooden plank this time. I just snapped my fingers. "Mr. Wiggles. Objection."
The massive, three-headed hellhound cracked an eye open. The middle head lazily lifted itself off the floorboards. It opened its massive jaws and let out a quick, terrifyingly hot sneeze directly at the hole.
A jet of concentrated, Abyssal hellfire blasted through the opening.
"YEOOOWCH!" the man in the alleyway screamed. There was the sound of frantic, sprinting footsteps fading instantly into the distance.
Mr. Wiggles laid his head back down and went to sleep.
Young Master Jin stood frozen against the wine barrel, his eyes wide with absolute, primal terror. He looked at the smoking hole in the wall. He looked at the three-headed monster. Then, he looked at me.
"As you can see, Young Master," I smiled, leaning back in my chair. "The Lo & He Law Firm is incredibly aggressive when it comes to protecting our clients' assets. Now. About that retainer fee?"
Jin swallowed hard, his arrogant demeanor completely evaporating. He frantically dug into his robes, pulled out a heavy pouch of mid-grade spirit stones, and slammed it onto the barrel.
"Take it! Take it all!" Jin squeaked. "Just keep the hound away from my chariot!"
The Outer Court Charity Infirmary of Heavenly Peak City was not a place of healing. It was a place where poor people went to aggressively bleed in the hallway until a bored apprentice apothecary threw a low-grade bandage at them.
The air smelled of cheap rubbing alcohol, stale blood, and profound medical debt.
Lo Yu and I strutted down the cramped, overcrowded corridor, dodging groaning peasants and stray medicinal carts. I was holding a freshly stamped, glowing legal scroll. The cross-eyed goat trotted faithfully behind us, occasionally trying to eat the bandages off sleeping patients.
"Remember, Junior Associate," Lo Yu rasped, casually knocking a stray bedpan out of his way with his walking stick. "We are not here to gloat. We are simply officers of the court, delivering a formal notice of liability to a man who maliciously destroyed our client's customized paint job. Be professional."
"I am the picture of legal grace, Boss," I grinned, tapping the scroll against my palm. "We serve him the papers, demand the repair costs for Young Master Jin's chariot, and threaten to garnish his cabbage-farming wages for the rest of his natural life. Textbook ambulance chasing."
We stopped in front of Cot 42.
I puffed out my chest, ready to unleash a barrage of terrifying Earth-realm legal jargon upon the reckless pedestrian who dared to get run over.
"Excuse me, sir!" I barked, slapping the legal scroll against the metal footboard of the cot. "Are you the cabbage merchant who illegally obstructed the central market avenue this morning?!"
There was no answer.
I blinked and looked down at the bed.
The man lying there was completely, utterly unrecognizable as a human being. He was wrapped from head to toe in thick, spiritual plaster casts. He looked like a tragic, lumpy mummy. Both of his legs were elevated in complex traction pulleys, and a glowing green breathing tube was shoved down his throat.
He didn't move. He didn't blink. The only sign of life was the slow, agonizing hiss... click of a rudimentary life-support array pumping air into his shattered lungs.
"Sir?" I asked, waving my hand in front of his plastered face. "I am Litigation Master He. You are being sued for property damage and emotional distress. I need verbal confirmation that you have been served."
Hiss... click. Lo Yu leaned over the bed, his single visible eye narrowing as he inspected the victim's aura. He reached out and gently tapped the man's plastered forehead with his bamboo pipe.
It made a hollow, depressing thud.
"Fascinating," Lo Yu whispered, his professional curiosity piqued. "His Dantian is entirely pulverized. His spinal column has been reduced to a fine powder. The sheer kinetic force of Young Master Jin's chariot has severed his soul's connection to his motor functions."
A tired-looking infirmary nurse walked past, carrying a bucket of dirty water.
"Don't bother talking to him, lawyers," the nurse sighed, not even stopping. "The poor guy is completely paralyzed from the neck down. He's in a deep, irreversible vegetative state. He won't wake up for a decade, if ever."
I stared at the comatose cabbage merchant.
A normal, empathetic human being from Earth would feel a profound sense of guilt. They would look at this tragedy, realize they were defending the spoiled rich kid who caused it, and immediately drop the case.
But I was the Junior Associate of the Lo & He Law Firm. I didn't feel guilt.
I felt a sudden, massive surge of tactical legal brilliance.
I slowly turned to Lo Yu. My eyes were wide. A greedy, unholy smile began to spread across my face.
Lo Yu looked back at me. His missing-tooth smile mirrored my exact expression. We were entirely on the same degenerate wavelength.
"Boss," I whispered, my voice trembling with excitement. "Do you know what this means?"
"He cannot speak," Lo Yu purred, his raspy voice dropping to a conspiratorial hush.
"He can't speak," I nodded furiously. "He can't move. He can't hire opposing counsel. And most importantly..."
"He cannot appear in court," Lo Yu finished, letting out a dark, raspy chuckle that made the goat's ears twitch.
"Default judgment!" I hissed, doing a small, victorious fist pump in the middle of the intensive care ward. "If the defendant fails to appear before the Magistrate to contest the charges, the plaintiff automatically wins the case! It's a guaranteed victory!"
"A flawless legal strategy," Lo Yu agreed, pulling a small pot of red ink from his robes. "But we must follow the letter of the law. The defendant must be officially served with the lawsuit."
"Right, right. Due process is sacred," I said.
I unrolled the lawsuit, slathered the cabbage merchant's paralyzed, plastered thumb in red ink, and forcefully pressed his thumbprint onto the signature line of the subpoena.
Then, I took the glowing legal scroll, gently folded it, and tucked it snugly into the bandages wrapping the man's neck.
"Consider yourself served, sir," I whispered respectfully to the comatose victim. "I suggest you start liquidating your cabbage assets immediately."
Lo Yu and I turned and strutted out of the infirmary, our heads held high. We had just successfully sued a paralyzed man, and we didn't even have to argue the case.
The Lo & He Law Firm was back in Heavenly Peak City, and our moral compass was officially broken beyond repair.