???: [I'm home]
[...]
No answer came from the empty house, not that the boy had expected otherwise. He calmly stepped inside, slipped out of his shoes, and laid his backpack down on the floor. Though he had never done it before, he walked straight to a cabinet in his kitchen and pulled out a clear drink in a glass bottle. For some reason, this simple action seemed robotic, as if he were acting a part in an amateur play. He pulled the drink out as if he had been rehearsing this moment over and over in his head for the longest time, but had never practiced the actual motion itself. It was similar to the way a nervous schoolboy would imagine a hundred different scenarios before asking out his crush. He felt a strange excitement mixed in with all his nervousness as he gazed at the bottle in his hand, but before he could properly sort out this strange feeling, he was interrupted.
???: [That's some pretty strong stuff you've got there, Pax.]
A beautiful woman wearing a pure white sundress appeared behind Pax in the doorway. She playfully tilted her head as if teasing the boy.
Pax: [That's the point]
He brushed her off as he walked past her and back into the hallway. Not bothering to turn on the lights, he made his way towards the bathroom. After entering the bathroom, Pax caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. Sighing, he gazed deep into his own eyes and took a moment to evaluate himself.
Pax: [Disgusting]
Naturally, he didn't like what he saw. And the first thing he saw were his eyes, peeking out from the greasy long hair covering the upper half of his face. To him, those eyes already gave the look of a dead man.
The rest of his face fared no better. Sullen cheeks and a crooked nose were the only things eye-catching about it.
He hated those eyes and that face just as much as he did the rest of his body. But even more than his outward appearance, Pax hated the boy inside that reflection. Normally, it took him all the restraint in the world to not punch that stupid mirror for reminding him of what he was. Today though, Pax was thankful to the mirror for helping him prepare for what would be coming next.
Pax exited the bathroom to retrieve a certain knife from his bedroom. Though this particular knife wasn't anything high quality, it had a strange glyph located on its blade. It looked something like four circles partially overlapping with one another. Pax wasn't sure why he chose this knife in particular, it just wouldn't feel right without it.
Returning to the bathroom and standing before his bathtub, Pax took a swig of the drink he had taken from the kitchen earlier. Instantly, It burned his throat and gave him the urge to vomit. He took another swig. Then another, and another, and another --
Pax: *cough cough*
???: [Now, now. We're not in any sort of rush here, you know... Plus, it's not like drinking that will really change much.]
She hadn't made any noise when walking into the bathroom, but Pax hadn't been startled in the slightest when she'd spoken. He knew there was no way that woman would be missing this. Still, he wasn't happy about it.
Pax: [Shut up]
Though Pax thought the drink tasted horrible, he took one last sip before setting the bottle down on the spotless tiled floor.
He let out a small chuckle when he realized this action evoked the feeling of a last meal given to death-row inmates.
???: [This way, Pax]
He quickly pulled his gaze away from the bottle at that woman's reminder.
Now sitting in the tub, she gestured Pax over in a flirtatious manner. He couldn't help himself from feeling enticed by her long legs and pretty lips. Naturally, he did as she said and entered the tub, getting his clothes soaked as he lowered himself in. In response, the woman snuggled closer to him and caressed his head.
???: [Good job,] she whispered in his ear. [Now for the important part...]
Pax raised the knife that he had almost forgotten he had been holding in his right hand the entire time. His nervous excitement now turned to fear, as if his body seemed to disagree with this plan. Breathing out, Pax cleared all thoughts of fear and regret from his mind, and steeled his resolve. A single tear still managed to escape from one of his eyes as his trembling hand forced the knife into the proper position.
Thoughts rapidly began swirling around in his mind. Anger, excitement, disgust, sadness, and loneliness all mixed together in a vortex before his eyes. He could feel his heart beating rapidly in his chest and the rapid expanding and contracting of his lungs as he began to hyperventilate.
The emotions in his heart all collapsed into one another, forming a strength that willed Pax to lower the knife into his wrist.
It hurt. A sharp pain spread like electricity throughout his entire being. A bead of blood formed where the knife had stuck into the left side of Pax's wrist. He clenched his jaw to shut up his chattering teeth, but he couldn't stop his entire body from shaking violently as it revolted against his will. Sweat poured out of his skin as adrenaline was rapidly pumped throughout his entire body. He could barely hold onto the knife in his hand. He could already see this becoming another failure.
???: [Let's end this]
But just before he dropped his knife, that soothing voice resounded through his skull. If before this, his thoughts had been flailing chaotically like a hurricane, now they were completely focused and sharp as a knife.
Pax breathed out as he willed calm to wash over himself. With his body no longer shaking and his thoughts completely focused on a single goal, Pax was able to fully commit to this act:
This time he would do it right.
This time would it would be the end.
In a single clean stroke, Pax cut through the rest of his wrist.
Pax: [AAAAGGGAAAHHHHHHH!!!]
Once again, Pax could feel his thoughts and resolve completely fall apart. This time, they had been completely replaced with the feeling of pain.
Pain. Perhaps his entire existence was pain.
Maybe a stronger man could have withstood this pain with dignity, but Pax was just a useless little boy with tears and snot now dripping now down his face. The pain was simply unlike anything he had ever experienced before. His entire body screamed at him as warm elixir gushed out of his body.
Pax: [HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTSITHURTSITHURTSITFUCKINGHURTSFUCKSHITFUCKINGFUCKGODFUCKFUCKITHURTS]
Pax screamed as he grasped his hemorrhaging wrist. The blood pouring out of him was rapidly dying the bath water a deep crimson. The tears streaming down his face fell into the water, likewise joining the all-encompassing crimson.
???: [Calm down and look at me.]
Perhaps realizing that the boy needed some help, the woman took Pax's face into her hands and spoke directly to him. Her face was now close enough that Pax could feel her warm breath. He could have easily kissed her if he tried, and now that he could think of something other than the pain he definitely wanted to, but somehow he just couldn't find the strength to do so.
???: [Hey, there is still one more left.]
With a sniffle, Pax's bloodshot eyes pulled away from the beauty in front of him. Hesitatingly, he peered through his teers towards his right wrist...
Next thing he knew, he had somehow managed to cut his second wrist. The blade hadn't gone as deep as it had for the first one, but it would be enough. The pain was still very much present, but Pax no longer screamed. He felt as if he had dissociated from all the pain in the world.
With a clatter, the knife dropped to the floor, which was now covered in small puddles of blood. Pax leaned back and looked up at the plain ceiling obstructing his view of the sky. That woman had disappeared at some point, leaving behind a cold and numb feeling that was now rapidly consuming Pax's body.
Why did it have to be this way?
When exactly had this become inevitable?
Why did I become this?
As Pax's consciousness started fading, he was reminded once more of his last remaining family member. His father would come home from his business trip some day and see this scene.
Pax: [Dad...]
His throat was sore from all the screaming, and his lips were incredibly chapped too. Still, he forced out some final words.
Pax: [I.... I'm so sorry]
???: [Sorry? There is nothing that needs to be forgiven. You finally did something right] -Lust