Pax: [And then she thought, "I wouldn't mind falling in love with someone like that"]
???: [-------]
Pax: [Well, at least that's what I think she was thinking at the time… It's not like I could read her mind or anything.]
???: [-------]
Pax: [Well, obviously she's dead now so we can't just ask her about it! You know all this happened literally a thousand years ago, right?]
???: [-------]
Pax: [Right, right, I'm sorry for the spoilers, but it's pretty obvious she's just not immortal like me, you know? Don't worry, her death is dramatic and beautiful… ]
???: [...]
Pax: [Yes, I know I'm a horrible person,] he weakly laughed. [Sorry, that was a shitty joke... Like that 9/11 one I wrote earlier...]
???: [...]
Seeing that I had no way of responding to such a thing, the conversation came to an uncomfortable silence.
Pax stood up and walked over to the nearby window. He stared into the void that surrounded the house. By now, we had long lost count of the years we had spent drifting through nothingness. Perhaps he was considering when exactly this Fate had become inevitable.
When he turned back to face me, he had finally shed his facade of joyfulness.
Pax: [This... This story is kind of worthless, isn't it?] he said, looking down at the floor while scratching the top of his head. [Honestly, I'm not completely sure why I'm going through all of this… I just... I just want to believe that that stupid idiot's feelings were worth something… You know what I mean? Pax's feelings, Adam's feelings – I looked back one day and realized that I was starting to forget what it was like to be young and stupid…]
???: [-------]
Pax: [Okay, maybe that's not a good way of putting it… Something that consumed my life, something that I once thought about every waking moment... The original Pax truly wanted to kill himself, and he went through with it… The next few versions of Pax then romanticized the idea of suicide... Reflecting on that, its not like I don't understand why he felt that way, but I just can't feel the same way anymore… Sometimes I feel like I can't feel anything anymore...]
???: [-------]
Pax: [A therapist? You're funny, [-------]. I've had many therapists over many years and yet I still find myself... broken. Perhaps there is no way for a human to go through what I did and still end up... sane. Even now, for some reason, I can't come up with a good reason to explain why suicide is wrong... But like, even if I could kill myself right now, I don't think I would. Is that strange?]
???: [---]
Pax: [Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that my past just looks like a list of facts to me these days. I look through my memories as if they belonged to someone else. It seems I lost my feelings at some point along my long journey. And I also want my past to have not been meaningless... Though, its not like anything really has meaning anyways…]
???: [-------]
Pax: [No, I don't mean in a nihilistic way. In fact, I'm more of an absurdist. So like, fabricate your own meaning and live by it.]
???: [What are you up to, Pax?]
The voice belonged to a beautiful woman who came bouncing down the stairs. Just by the way she immediately slid over to Pax's side and wrapped an arm around him, it was clear that the two were very familiar with one another.
Pax: [Hey Victoria, we're writing the book I told you about. Right now we're about midway through Cycle 2. The name is still being workshopped though… I was thinking of something along the lines of "I was reincarnated into this batshit crazy world, but when I died a second time I kept on living even though I didn't really want to."]
???: [-------]
Pax: [Too long? Yeah, I thought so too. I also feel like it spoils what is supposed to be something of a plot twist… Though, that is the main gimmick so maybe not…]
???: [-------]
Pax: [What are you talking about? This story still needs to be engaging even if no one ever reads it. And stop acting surprised every time I spoil parts of the story, you were there when it happened.
Victoria: [I feel like it's a bit... dehumanizing to call it a gimmick,] she interjected, opening the draft of the book previously left on the nearby table. [And doesn't it come into play way too late to really call it a gimmick?]
Pax: [Hmm... I see what you mean. Maybe I should change the order of the story around or something…]
???: [-------]
Pax: [Yeah, you're right…Oh I almost forgot! If you ever get the opportunity to, [-------], you should get the perspectives of other people so that this story feels more complete. Right now, its all from my point of view, so I think it lacks perspective. Also, I'm sure I made some mistakes every now and then, so please fact check for me]
??? [-------]
Pax: [Its fine, I trust your judgement. It is my story at the end of the day, but it wouldn't really be complete without some other perspectives. We won't be getting to it for a while, but there is a period where all of my memories are missing and everything is a mess after that for a little bit. I'll need you to figure out what happens by looking into other peoples' perspectives, all right?]
???: [-------]
Victoria: [I'm not sure how I feel about you going so in detail about your previous loves here.]
After only having picked up the book a few moments ago, Victoria somehow managed to find her way directly to the most incriminating parts. If Victoria had been serious, Pax might have feared for his life.
Pax: [Stop teasing me so, witch. I know that you know that I love you more than anything and everything combined. Whether you like it or not, I'm in love with you for eternity.]
Victoria: [You got me,] she smiled wryly. [I just wanted to hear you say "I love you" again…]
Victoria then moved closer to Pax and sat on his laps. She kissed him on the lips and refused to back away, derailing the planning session. Eventually Pax gave up and let himself get consumed by Victoria.
I'm always surprised by Victoria's ability to stop Pax from spiraling into the wrong things.
The two proceeded to engage in activities that I'm sure they would rather I didn't go too in detail into. Well, maybe they wouldn't mind, but including every single time they "did it" to this story would cause the whole thing to double in length.
-------
???: [Are you awake?]
The voice cut through the boundary of nothingness as if it were nothing more than paper.
The voice also cut through his defenses equally as easily, corrupting his dwindling ego with fiery madness.
The seven shards smiled when they came to the same conclusion.
???: [I am now.]