As the days passed, she kept getting triggered from time to time. But she never told that to anyone. She just remained silent experiencing and dealing all those emotions all by herself.
She was slowly sinking into those dark, unwanted memories but no matter what she couldn't stop herself.
She wanted healing but the guilt inside her felt much more comforting than anything else.
Even after all those behaviours, her parents again failed to notice her in time. They never once asked her whether she was fine or not.They just assumed that she was completely healed all by herself.
Then one day, her grandmother came to their house. She wanted to visit them and spend time with Pritam. She stayed there for almost 1 month and then returned.
The next day after she returned, Prabha noticed her father treating her mother badly. She had seen his behaviour numerous times but remained silent thinking her mother would handle it herself.
But this time it was out of control.
She needed some actual reasons to initiate a conversation with her father.
As she thought ,he again started scolding her mother . He was questioning her for not treating Prabha's grandmother properly. He questioned ," Are you seriously treating her as if she is your step mother ?"
Prabha's mother spoke with teary voice, " when did I treat her as my stepmother? I have never done that. Why are you accusing me blindly ? Do you not trust me ?"
He answered, " Did you forget something?How your daughter was diagnosed of depression and here we are - all disappointed. So how can I trust you with my mother ?"
Prabha's mother started weeping and said to herself, " oh lord ! What did I do to see this day. I served mother happily . And Now ! , he is accusing me.
What should I do if that kid got depression? It's not like I told her to get depressed. "
Prabha was watching all of these things. She couldn't hold herself anymore.
She suddenly spoke loudly looking towards her father, " Why are you doing this to my mother?
Baba, you always take Grandma's side. You will get hurt if we mistakenly say something to her.
But you don't realise that you are doing same thing to my mother. Then how can I see her like this? Can you stop accusing her ? Why can't you never take my mother's side and believe her ?"
" Wow ! Wow ! Now even you had the guts to speak back to me ? You really seem to forget about the incident a year ago ?
Honestly , it's not your mother's fault. It's actually you who never obey us . You are the one who keeps giving us burdens.
Sometimes I wish it had ended that day.
At least carrying the body would have been easier than giving burden to us." His words penetrated the Prabha's mind.
As she realized the meaning of those words- she murmured with tears in her eyes , " Am I not your daughter? Is the blood in my veins different from you baba ? "
Her eyes searched for answers hoping to take those words back. But they never responded.
Instead, her mother scolded harshly.
" Shut up !!!. Don't treat your father like that!!. How old do you think you are to speak to your father that loudly huh ?
And,
If you had realised your mistakes a year ago , we would be living happily now. So don't try to act pitiful with those teary eyes. Those fake tears won't melt us."
There wasn't a flinch of regret in the eyes of her mother. Both of her parents hurted her deeply but never thought about the consequences of those words.
Those hurtful moments started triggered her again.
Suddenly, she excused herself and went to washroom. She locked the door and then started sobbing. She left the tap open to not to let the sound of cry reach outside.
She couldn't hold her emotions. She was back to panic mode. She wanted to be somewhere quiet and dark where no one could hear or see her. She just wanted to be alone.
But every second, it just got worse.
Her mind was filled with moments of guilt ,shame and trauma. She was remembering her mistakes that she did a year ago.
She spoke with her trembling voice, " Why didn't I study ? Why didn't I focused on my entrance examination? Why did I behave
that way ? Why did I let them notice about my depression? "
" I should have never let them know about me.
I guess dead daughter is really better than a failed one.
At least my parents would be proud of me even after my death. But now, every thing is messed up.
Oh god ! What should I do ? "
After a while , she finally calmed herself down. Prabha slowly opened the door. Her mother was guarding outside the door.
She asked her looking curious," what were you doing for 1 hr in the bathroom, huh?? Were you really crying ?
Now what ! Are you again feeling depressed? Please Don't ,I can't handle you anymore."
" Nooo!!!!. Why would I cry ?? I wasn't feeling depressed. It's just stomache because of diarrhea so... " She replied touching her stomach and bending, acting like exhausted.
" Ohhhh! Then just take medicine.
And about what I said earlier, don't think too much. Your father will become good person if you become good daughter like before. So you know what to do , okayyy. " She replied faintly smiling.
After that day, something inside Prabha shifted.
Without realizing it, she began getting triggered more easily. Panic attacks started to creep in three, maybe four times a month. Her body was slowly giving up, but her parents remained unaware.
Then, the next month , it just doubled. Now it was eight, sometimes nine times a month.
It didn't take much anymore.
A sharp tone.
A cold stare.
A single word.
A careless gesture.
That's all it took .
She lived in fear -not because of the triggers, but of being seen.
Of someone recognizing the chaos behind her smile. So ,she masked harder.
And when the mask cracked , she moved into shutdown mode.
(Shutdown mode = the emotionless, frozen state where everything stops. No thoughts, no feelings. Just numb. Just blank. A part of C-PTSD .)
She stayed there often. It became her safe place or at least the one that felt comforting and least dangerous.
One day, she was talking casually .
But something about her brother's rude behavior strike her mind. She tried her bets to stay calm. But the trigger kept echoing inside her.
She held it in numerous times.
Except this time, it wasn't a panic attack. It was shutdown.
It was as if her body automatically knew when to switch to shutdown mode .
She again went numb. Her face - blank and drenched. No expression, no reaction.
Even showing emotions felt like the most heaviest task to do.
She had the habit of self - sacrifice through her micro behaviours whenever she was trapped by guilt.
If she had something tasty to eat, she would give it to her brother without a second thought.
To the point, that she even starved herself few times just because she felt like she didn't deserve to have that good food.
Whenever she felt sick or painful , she remained silent - afraid it would cause her parents unnecessary worry or money.
She isolated herself, deactivated her social media and ghosted her friends.
No one noticed. Her parents didn't see the silence.
This numbness stayed.
One day became two, two became a week.
She wasn't living - instead, was emotionally frozen.
Sometimes, she remembered crying in her mother's arms- the only time she had been comforted after her brother's rude behaviour.
She wanted that feeling again, desperately.
But that moment never came back.
Every time she tried to start fresh, those emotions crept back in - stronger than before. Shame and guilt wrapped around her like chains.
She stopped doing the things she once loved. She ran from them, convinced she no longer deserved happiness. The guilt grew inside her so much that it even felt like healing.
There was no one to hold her. No one to catch the pieces that kept on shattering.
So she turned to her diary again, whispering into the pages:
"It doesn't matter if that person is a stalker or someone who wants to kill me. It doesn't matter if they're a ghost, or just my imagination. I just need someone to hold me, listen to me and stay with me in my panic mode. "
Her words yearned for the safe person on that page.
But that safe person never arrived in any form. The one she expected to get love from - her family, never made her feel loved enough.
So , her mind imagined her future lover as her safe zone.