She didn't know how long it had been - days, or maybe weeks - since she had last felt happy and relaxed.
Each morning was a repetition of survival, not living. The panic still came, sometimes quietly, sometimes like a scream in her chest.
Nothing had changed... until that one email.
That email appeared like impossible path towards freedom.
" Congratulations! Miss Prabha ! You have been selected for full scholarship to study in Lysdal university of psychological sciences. Please contact the specified agency for further information..."
Prabha gasped and blinked and stared the screen in disbelief. She pinched herself and asked, " Am I dreaming? Yes ! I am sure it's dream. But why does it feels so surreal. "
She was reading that email again and again with disbelief. When she felt like her life had completely fallen apart and there was no any way to escape this prison of mind, that one hidden door finally opened.
Prabha - the one who had never been chosen even by her own family , was choosen by fate awaiting something different for her.
She was very happy but her smile soon faded away. She spoke with trembling hands in fearful tone , " Why me ? I mean ... Why would someone choose useless person like me? This has to be mistake. Yes ! I am sure it's mistake..."
The idea of going somewhere foreign country is something her parents would never agree.
For the first time , she felt as if the door to freedom was visible but the key was lost somewhere .
(Maybe the real prison wasn't the house....neither that small room - but the moments that planted those thoughts inside her mind. Maybe it was those thoughts that never stopped until it caged her tightly in such a way that she wouldn't come out even if she was handed a key. )
Prabha slowly calmed herself and then stood up. She took a long breath and then opened the door. She called her parents in the living room. Soon, all four of them gathered.
Her mom asked in a rude tone, " Why did you speak loudly? Can't you be more rude ?"
Prabha replied with excited tone, " I am sorry. I just wanted to give you good news so... I was overly excited...."
" Good news.....? From you ..? I don't think it's even possible.
Anyways , we don't have any expectations from you. But still let's hear what it is since it made you this excited."her father added.
" Actually.....A year ago, .. I had applied for... psychology scholarship....in Norway.... And .. I wasn't sure ..... But ... I received email now.. it says that I got... Full... scholarship to study there...for five years...so...I thought..I need to get your..... permission..." She stammered with fear.
" Full scholarship?
Who - you ?
Our useless daughter got that ?
Really?
How can you be so sure?
I mean it could be mistake as well... " Her mom asked shockingly in disbelief.
" No ! I checked twice,thrice.... and many times. It's real...and absolutely.....true. " Prabha replied slowly.
" Okay! Then I think it's good news. Finally after two years, this fool did one thing good.
Even though it's not something proud to be but still ,this scholarship will save our money." Her father replied smiling happily.
" Yes!
Even though you aren't good enough to study psychology , it will still lessen our burden. So I guess it's actually a good news for us.
We can finally save some money and build our own another luxurious house. " Her mother smiled as if they had gotten rid of their bad luck.
Every one joyed with happiness but there was not even a faint smile in Prabha's face.
Prabha really wished to see her parents happy but not in this way.
She was really heartbroken yet really happy at the same time.
Their reaction was completely unexpected yet somehow known.
At the end, it was her own expectations of family - filled with love , kindness and understanding that left the deepest wound and tore her.
After a week of this news, her father told her that they will be holding celebration party for her on coming thursday.
Prabha was surprised by this news. She never expected them to hold celebration just because of one good news. It was completely unexpected.
She was happy but also disturbed by the feeling of seeing all those people once again who abandoned her and cursed her when she couldn't stand for herself.
The next two days were full of fears for her. Her mind was filled with those accusations and guilt full moments. She was remembering each and every person that insulted her infront of whole college. It was not just by some haters but her own college friends who broke her trust.
She didn't want to see those people. They would obviously laugh at her again.Prabha had cut off all her contacts with those college friends because of these reasons .
As for school bestie, she was long distance friend so Prabha didn't dare to tell her anything. Prabha feared that she would also leave her if she knew everything about her activities.
The day before party - wednesday - approached faster than she had expected.
Her mother brought some suits, dresses, heels, and jewelry - but forgot to buy her suitcase.
That night, as Prabha tried on one of her new dresses, a soft knock came at the door. It was Pritam.
She opened it, surprised. He had barely spoken to her in years - always cold, distant, full of quiet resentment. But this time, he wore an unexpected smile.
He sat on her bed and said softly,
"Do you know why I never liked you?"
It's not because I hated you but because I was afraid that if you become good person our parents will ignore me like they are doing to you right now. I was afraid they will never love me again. "
" In past, when you were good student - they loved you so much but always ignored me. I felt really bad.
So , I felt like you were the one who took away my parents from me. So this time I hope you will not take them away from me. "
" Please go away as soon as you can. I don't want to see you here anymore. If you leave us , we will be happy family forever." He added and then left her in awe.
She never expected to hear something painful from her brother.
Even though she knew her brother hated her but she never believed - until today.
She gazed herself in the mirror - beautifully wrapped in that shiny dress with trembling eyes and broken heart.
Her heart quietly spoke, " Why do the weight of those words feels much more heavier than this dress ?
Are those words, the cost of my expectations?? "
She quietly broke down. Pritam's words played with her mind as if her heart had become playground for him.
The pain of losing loved ones - not to death, but to distance and cold truths - weighed heavier than any good news ever could.
Prabha wasn't just disappointed by her reality instead she was disappointed in herself.
She was angry ,
Angry for still hoping,
For still expecting warmth from people who had always left her cold.
Angry for thinking her brother might see her differently.
Angry for believing her parents might finally understand.
As the sun rose, the next day had started . But for Prabha - it was another day of fighting her emotions - unseen trauma and many more.
" Wake up ! Prabha! It's already 7 o'clock. Why are you still in your bed ? " Her mother spoke excitedly as she pressed the curtains .
Prabha blinked her eyes open. She had barely slept, her mind replaying Pritam's words again and again.
She sat up slowly, her body moving out of habit, not desire. The morning sun slipped through the curtains, too bright for the heaviness in her head.
"Prabha! Get ready fast, the parlour girl is on the way!" her mother called again, with excitement.
"Today's your big day, don't you want to look like a queen?"
Prabha forced her feet to touch the floor, stood up and walked to the mirror. Her reflection looked tired - - her eyes swollen, lips dry, face pale. But she didn't have time to grieve or think.
She splashed cold water on her face, hoping it would erase the emotions. It didn't.
After brushing her hair back, she muttered to herself in the mirror,
"Just get through the day. Just smile when they tell you to. Just nod when they say you've made your family proud."
She changed into a light dress—one of the few her mother had bought for the celebration. The heels hurt but she didn't complain. The necklace felt too tight, but she didn't take it off.
She stepped out of the room. Her mother gasped with joy, clapping her hands, "Oh look at you! You're glowing already! Everyone will be talking about you today!"
Prabha smiled - just enough to not be questioned.
Inside, she felt nothing.
Slowly, the moment of celebration arrived. Everyone was gathered in the house wearing beautiful dresses and suits with smiles on their face except for the one -Prabha.
No one asked how she was. No one noticed how tightly her hands were folded in her lap.
Suddenly, her eyes caught a glimpse of someone entering late - a classmate she once cried in front of, the one who told her, "You always bring drama wherever you go."
" Why was she even here?" Prabha watched her in resentment giving fake smile in her face. She couldn't do anything.
Prabha sat quietly on the corner watching her friends gossip happily with her mother. Her face frowned with sadness. Everyone was busy enjoying the feast. No one even dared to congratulate her.
It felt like Prabha was in a circus, performing for those people to smile and giggle.
She wanted to scream, to cry, to run. But instead, she stayed still - because that's what performers do.
She hated how well she had learned to wear a mask.
As the night got heavier,her desire to run away got more deeper. She quietly left from the front door. But sadly enough no even noticed her.
As she was walking , the strong breeze brushed her face with strange calmness .
The dim reflection of moon felt much more warmer than that of sun.
As the dogs howled, it felt more safer than fear.
There was something different about that night.
All her life, the darkness frightened her - made her feel lonely and unseen . She used to search for the brightest light to escape.
But tonight, she felt as if that was the only thing she wanted.
It felt like stars and moon stayed for her - to silently hug her - to comfort her.
This felt much more peaceful, relaxing and comforting than any other good news. This felt like being alive - not just surviving.