"Dear future self,
I don't know what to expect because I feel guilty for all my actions. I am sorry I couldn't make myself lovable enough infront of my parents. I want to get out of this place. Please take me away."
She wrote in her diary. But as the tears fell upon her eyes, it soaked the paper and made the writing completely unrecognisable.
She paused for a second , her heart again started pounding. It wasn't because of running faster or some fear but something different -deeply painful.
Her hands trembling as she reached out to her diary again,
" This is that exact moment when I feel like I am very close to death , yet very far. My head is getting heavier. I wish someone would hug me to the point that my soul perishes in peace."
She suddenly laid down in the ground.
As the deep silence approached her, she was taking that silence as a warm hug for her. It felt like that was the only comfort she could receive.
She stayed still for almost one hour . Even though it was just 60 minutes - but it felt whole 60 hours of intense trauma , pain and stress.
She carefully handled it without letting anyone notice or maybe no wanted to notice her.
After a while, there was a knock on the door and then a loud voice came ," oh lady ! what are you doing inside the room all alone locking the door , hmmm? "
" Can't you hear me? Get out nowww !
Don't just act like it's your own house and you can do anything.
Didn't you hear me ???" Her mother yelled knocking the door loudly.
Prabha quickly got up and brushed away her tears .
She spoke quickly changing her tone," I heard it...I heard it . I am coming. I was just...changing my dress !!. "
She quickly opened door with faint smile on her face.
" Ummm. Then go now. It's your responsibility to cook today's dinner. But don't you dare disturb your brother.
Maybe you could use that brains at least in helping him. "
" I have to be somewhere and will return late. So when your father arrives home, serve him food and don't make anything bad.
Since he is already tired from work, don't make him angry with your useless mouth. " She spoke loudly looking at her face and left slamming the door.
Prabha gently washed her face and took a deep breathe.
She slowly went towards kitchen and started cutting vegetables.
( This was the trauma response her body was doing to protect her from people that she considers unsafe to express herself.)
After a while ,she finished preparing dinner and started helping her brother.
Suddenly a loud noise came from the main door. Without hesitation, she rushed to look outside.It was her father. She warmly asked him about his day.
But he ignored her saying, " Can you please be silent? I just want to take some rest. "
He then directly went to his room.
After a while he came outside changing clothes. He then started talking with Pritam( Prabha's little brother ) , " betaa! What are you doing ? "
He again asked with a big smile on his face," My little baby, do you want some chocolates? Or should I buy you some ice-cream?"
Pritam replied smiling, " umm. Can I have some chocolates Baba ? "
He replied, " okay my child. Prabha! Go and get some chocolates for your brother. Take this money and return fast. "
She nodded her head and went to shop . She bought favourite chocolates of her brother and returned smiling warmly.
As she was just about to enter, she heard some loud noises from her house. She rushed in quickly. Her brother was crying and throwing things everywhere. Her mother had already arrived.
" Oho! Beta why are you crying?
What happened to you ? Who made you made you cry ? Huh ? Tell me . Is it because of your sister? " She asked him giving angry look towards her daughter.
" Yes mom. She didn't bring me chocolates !!." He spoke as his tears rolled down heavily.
" Noo. I was just bringing it. Look here it is. You don't need to cry. You can take it ." Prabha gave him chocolates keeping one for herself.
" Chocolates!!!!!
My baby , you can't eat those things. Your teeth will get painful. I will buy you next time okay. " Her mother tried consoling Pritam.
( Pritam was already 10 years old. But he was disrespectful and hateful towards her without any reason.)
" No! No ! I want now ....now.... ( He started crying again.) " He spoke with teary eyes.
" Okay my baby. Just one chocolate okay. Let me buy you ice cream instead okay." Her mother finally convinced him. Pritam happily agreed and his tears vanished within seconds.
" Give me that chocolate. You don't need to have any after making your own brother cry.
You will just get toothache and cause us to spend more money.
And don't ever make your brother cry, otherwise I will beat you ! Now, just go and buy him some ice cream. " She scolded Prabha and snatched the chocolate.
Prabha obediently went outside - her eyes full of tears.
Her heart pounding, body feeling weak and dizzy. She sat on a bench placed in between the trees.
She checked her environment and suddenly started crying.
Her emotions were much stronger this time . She was feeling difficult to express them openly.
She quickly stood up, stopped crying and remembered why she had come out.
Prabha quickly went to shop and got some ice cream and returned home quickly. She was afraid her mother might question her late arrival. But thankfully, she didn't even notice her.
Everyone were already on the dinnning table serving the dishes.
No one waited for her to arrive.
Despite, she silently kept the ice-cream in the table and washed her hands.
As Prabha was just getting ready to have dinner, her mother grabbed her food and spoke ," Go and sleep. You will starve today.
Then only you will know the importance of money. I don't know what I did to have such a useless child.
Why are you still here looking at my face ? Go right now !!!"
She didn't say anything and silently went inside the room. Her face drenched again in sadness. She was numb and expressionless.
Her room was small. Just one small bed, one window , a clock and small study table.
Nothing more.
It didn't felt like her room but a something filled with stress, trauma and pain.
But that was also the only place, she could express her emotions without worrying.
She wasn't allowed to go anywhere except for her room.
But she never complained. She just went on.
It was gloomy yet quiet and peaceful. She just laid down in the bed. Her legs were already reaching the end of bed and it was bit of uncomfortable to sit there but she didn't dared to ask for new bed.
Suddenly she heard a knock on her door. Her father softly spoke outside the door, " Beta.oh beta! Open the door once . "
She slowly opened the door. He talked in a calming voice, " I know you are sad, but you know how your brother is, don't you ?
I just don't want him to be depressed like you were. Now you are fully healed, I hope you can understand what we are trying to do. "
As for your dinner, you can have these two apples for now, since there is nothing left.
You won't feel starved. You can have anything tomorrow, okay.
We are doing this all for you. Don't think this as a punishment, just think it as a way to keep yourself healthy okay. Now go to sleep. " he consoled her patting her head with a smile on his face. He turned away without waiting for her to reply.
She slowly closed the door and went to her study table , suddenly flipping another page of her diary , and then she wrote like this, " I know I should understand them and that's my responsibility as their daughter but why is it so unbearable sometimes? "
She spoke to herself, " Maybe , I actually deserve this pain. Since I am the reason of all troubles my family is having right now.
I know if hadn't choose that path - I would be the perfect daughter just like they wished for.
Maybe I deserve to die and never feel loved. Yes , I am getting Karmaa. This is exactly how I should feel. "
And then she suddenly collapsed, laying down her head in the table. No one cared whether she was collapsing or she was crying. They just acted like they were helping her.
She fell asleep just like that experiencing one of her traumatic emotions.
( Her family wasn't always like this. She was a good student. She did many good things and made her parents proud. Even though they sometimes showed biased behaviour towards her brother, still she was holding thinking they are just a parents who love their son a little bit more. )