What should I do to make sure I could convince myself in case I lost my memory again?
Several ideas came to mind but the first thing I did, I took the yellow book and flipped on the empty pages to begin my entry.
'17th October - I have lost my memory three times as of today's date. The recollection varied with the latest one gone as far back as the car accident. It is true I am now a married woman to a man named Edmund. Even if he feels like a stranger to you right now, please be kind to him. He has been my rock despite everything.
This entry serves to remind me in case I lost my memory yet again.'
I reread the paragraph and thought it felt adequate enough to grab my attention. Then below, I listed down all the ideas that we brainstormed together. I also penned down all the other options that I had used previously. Ones that were rejected, including the lewd background picture of my phone and how long it took me to realise it was done out of my own volition.
But then I had a thought. If all the previous methods I had done took me forever to accept the truth, what could be the reason? Perhaps my past self's mistake was not being as thorough…? Was that it?
I flipped through the previous pages and realised I never explained how I suffered memory loss. Rather, it seemed as though I was relying on Edmund to inform me and that was pretty much a failure.
'All of the memories you remembered vary at each one. But this one seemed to be the most you lost,' his words echoed in my mind.
If the current memory loss went as far as the accident, completely erasing Edmund's existence, what if the next one would be worse?
'Shiiiiiit!'
The sudden thought that I might wake up believing I was still happily married to Alistair scarred me. I could not imagine wanting a man who had chosen to discard me at my lowest!
Immediately I jotted down in the book.
'You are no longer married to Alistair! Alistair is now married to his work wife and they have a child together! Don't look for him and DO NOT contact him! He is NOT the same person anymore!'
As soon as I read those, I suddenly remembered Mum. Oh, how I despised those feelings at that time. My hand busied itself, writing a full summary of why I should avoid Mum at all costs.
On the next page, I wrote down one of Edmund's suggestions to do a video message. My finger fiddled about and curled the page's corner. Out of all, this was one of the strongest options that might help me. But the unease within me was hard to settle down.
Would I even accept it? Considering all the things Edmund had given me, I had been rejecting all of it. What if I created a video message and my future self would refuse to acknowledge it? What if I would make an excuse and accuse the video is being doctored again? Or what if I accuse him for forcing me to do it? Would I even accept to watch it when I had been so strong in denial a few months back?
Negativities began surging within me and I felt almost giving up with any attempt. If I turned out to be waking up in a much worse state than I had recently been, would all effort not be futile? I rested my head against my arms on the table, unable to move forward.
I could hear the sounds of his footsteps closing in and instantly, I felt bad for making him worry.
"Are you okay?" Edmund's concerned voice made me feel even worse.
This is the man who had been doing his best for me and my memory chose to wipe him off completely. Even now, he puts me first rather than himself. I could not bear the idea knowing another memory loss might potentially break him. I could never forgive myself if that day ever comes.
"Please don't stress yourself too much."
I shook my head in response and hid my face. He pulled a chair next to me and sat down. As usual, he had placed a glass of water in front of me.
"Is it because of what I said?"
Again I shook my head.
"If it is, please forget all about it, alright? It was not my intention to make you feel this way."
Hearing him saying those words only choke me. The enclosed space between me and the table grew warmer and hot tears that dropped made me sniffle. Tsk! Why do I always trouble him?
"Please?"
Ugh, the way he begged when he was clearly not the problematic one!
"It's not that…," I mumbled. "I'm just scared… what if… what if nothing worked?"
His gentle hand rubbed my back. "You've got me. No matter what it is, I am always by your side," he stated firmly.
"But what if-"
"No buts. I am always by your side, even if you choose not to be with me."
"But what if it ended badly? I don't want to hurt you."
I had already made him suffer, what if the future me is worse than now?
I thought he would be as upset as me but instead he gave a slight chuckle.
"No pain, no gain. I am still with you now, right?" He reassured me, enticing a small smile on my end.
"Well yeah…" I managed to choke out a reply.
"I will always love you. As long as you love me too, we will always be together."
But that's the problem, isn't it? What if the next time I made a stupid decision? And what if the next stupid decision I chose to walk away?