I don't understand how it's possible for me to feel this way.
Llywelyn is the first person I've spoken to that didn't see my 'human' status as an inherent flaw, as a sub-sapient thing to be treated like an animal. I know there's no real reason that should be important. I don't think of myself that way. I've always known that I'm not, and I've lived my life accordingly.
But. This is the first person in... three years that has seen me as a person.
And, for some reason, it's eating me up.
I need to focus. Xilukulkas put off his trip by two days because he had a last minute responsibility to take care of, but I need to be focused on escape. I need to pull myself together and be ready.
I need to not randomly cry in the bath. Which is exactly what I'm doing. I'm curled up in the steaming water, and I'm bawling my eyes out.
Why am I crying?
I don't know. I just am.
I'm not sad. Not exactly. I'm not even happy. It's just... too much. Everything is too much. This place is too weird. This life is too weird. These people are too weird. And I'm too weird for them. And yet...
I want to leave.
I don't want to lose Llywelyn and Mira and Jxyim and... Xilukulkas.
I want to go back to Earth. I want to see my family. I want to see Alistair and Hestia and the other survivors. I want to go home.
I want to be free.
I want to live without fear, at home, among other humans.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
I want. To stop thinking of that stupid man reflecting my own words back at me. Why do I care that much that he doesn't think I'm less? I never did. I never needed that kind of validation. I don't now. I don't need him to... to...
I don't know. I don't know what I need from him.
I just want him to... stay near me, I think.
I wipe my eyes, and take a deep breath. I need to get out of this tub, and get dressed, and go tell Xilukulkas that I'll go with him. That way he doesn't up and leave when I'm not prepared for it, if his business clears up unexpectedly early.
I stand up, and step out of the tub. The water drips off me, and I grab a towel, wrapping it around myself. I'm about to open the door, when I hear a knock.
I freeze.
Who is that? Did someone hear me crying? Is someone coming to check on me?
No, no that's ridiculous. No one would hear that.
It's probably... I've probably been in the bath a little too long and my idiot fish roommate wants the bath.
I don't really know what my heart does at that thought, but I don't like it. I don't want to see him right now. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to face him. Not after...
I just... can't.
I stay quiet, hoping that whoever it is will go away. But they knock again, more insistently.
"Sarah?" It's Llywelyn's voice.
Oh, god.
I swallow, and try to sound normal. "Yeah?"
"Are you okay?" He asks, his voice muffled by the door. "You've been in there for a while. I-" There's a pause. "You're hogging it." He huffs.
"I'm fine. I'm just... finishing up." I say, and try to dry myself quickly.
"Okay. Well. It's lunch time. So don't make me spend it with Mira. That's cruel and unusual." He says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. He's teasing me. Trying to make me laugh, maybe. "Come out before I starve, you terrible woman."
"I'm going to tell Mira you said that."
"Why, I said it to her face." He huffs, and there's the sound of him shuffling. "She just agreed with me."
I let out a small laugh, despite myself. "She would. She's too nice for her own good."
"Exactly." He says, and then sighs. "Well, I'll be in the dining hall. Don't take too long, or I'll send her to fetch you, and then your punishment will be listening to Mira the whole time."
"Yeah, well unlike you, I actually like Mira." I retort, and he snorts.
"You're as broken as her." He says, and then his footsteps fade away.
I stand there for a moment, and then let out a breath. I'm... not crying anymore. I'm not even sad anymore. I'm... okay. A little weird. A little confused. A little... something else. But okay.
I get dressed, and leave the bathroom. I walk to the dining hall, and find Llywelyn and Mira sitting at a table, talking. They both look up when I enter, and Mira smiles immediately.
"Sarah! You're here! I was just telling Llywelyn how much I love your hair!" She says, excitedly.
"Oh, uh, thanks?" I say, sitting down next to her.
"It's so soft and shiny and bouncy! I wish I could touch it more often, but you're always so busy!"
I squint at her. "Who says you get to touch it when I'm not-"
She is already touching it. Her hand is in my hair, and she's running her fingers through it, cooing and sighing. "It's amazing! It's like... like... a cloud! A fluffy, silky cloud!"
I glance at Llywelyn, who simply shrugs. "You like her."
"Chivalrous." I deadpan, looking back at Mira, who is now braiding my hair. "I don't really mind. I guess."
"You're so lucky." She says, tying the end of the braid with a ribbon she pulled from her hair. "I wish I had hair like yours. It's so beautiful."
Ah, I suppose human hair would be different for her. Her hair moves much like hers, but it's still made of some kind of organic gem, just like the rest of her. There's no way it would feel the same. Though I'm not quite sure how things feel to her.
But even so! "You know, Llywelyn has longer hair than me."
"Hetchki." He hisses, glaring at me.
"Watch your mouth." I admonish him. "Don't be a bad influence on our innocent gem."
"He complains when I touch his hair." Mira pouts. "But I still think it's pretty."
"You can look and not touch, then." Llywelyn says, haughtily.
Mira giggles, and then leans over to me, whispering in my ear. "He acts like that but if you ask him really nicely he glows and lets you touch it."
"Nish-Ritzah! Mind your own business! Don't just say stupid things you broken geode!" Llywelyn's collar is flaring brightly again and he's covering his face with his hands. His ears are doing that weird fluttery thing again.
"I can't say that I've ever considered touching it." I shake my head. "It looks like seaweed to me."
"Sea-?! Okay, this is your problem!" He points a finger at me. "You've got to be joking. It's nothing like sea-! I'll have you know it is a majestic-!"
"Seaweed." I insist. "Sea-something."
Mira's gemlike eyes are sparkling. "You should call it seagrass. He likes that more."
"That's the same thing."
He slaps a hand on the table. "It's not! I'll drown you."
"But I don't breathe?" Mira tilts her head and looks over at him, one hand still holding my hair.
"No-! Not you, you overgrown ornament. The woman who can't keep her mouth shut."
"Wow." I look at him. "I just got out of the hospital and you're already trying to send me back. This is a hostile working environment. I need to file for a vacation for health reasons."
"I want a vacation from you."
I'm saved from having to respond to that by the doors of the dining hall opening and revealing Xilukulkas striding in. He looks... pleased. His eyes are a vivid green and there's a small smile on his face.
Mira stands up and rushes to him, taking his hands. "Xilukulkas! You're here! Did you finish your business?"
He smiles down at her, squeezing her hands. "Yes, indeed. I've settled everything. We may leave at our leisure tomorrow."
I stand up. It's... not really... I don't like dramatically saying it like this in a big public room, but I don't really want to have to hunt him down later, and apparently I might not have time to try to morrow. "I... I want to go with. Tomorrow."
His eyes settle on me, shifting to gold. I... don't actually know what his eye colors mean or why they'd change now, but he doesn't seem unhappy. "I'd just come here to ask you that. I'm glad."
I nod, and force a smile.
It's fine. This is what I want. And once I get to the Galactic Center, I'll find a way to run away. I'm certain of it.
Llywelyn stands up and settles a hand on the table in front of him, leaning foward and frowning a little at the alien who still dwarfs him despite being a little over half his height. "It's the bigger ship this time, right?"
"Unfortunately, it's still being repaired." Xilukulkas says. "We'll be taking my secondary ship."
"Nishi'an...that one is so damn cramped." He groans, running his fingers through his hair.
I glance between the two of them, squinting. "What? How big is your ship anyway?"
Llywelyn shakes his head and opens his mouth, but Xilukulkas answers first. "My primary ship is quite large. It's something of a traveling luxury manor. The one we will be taking is considerably smaller, but it will still be comfortable enough for the trip. Despite how our friend may feel." He casts a warm look at the Akutwasian.
He clicks his tongue. "Yeah, yeah. But it'll take three times as long in that one."
"Only two and a half times." Xilukulkas corrects him. "Which is why I've arranged for some diversions on the way. We will not simply be traveling to the Center. We will make a few stops along the way."
"You are making this even more unappealing." Llywelyn huffs, crossing his arms. "I don't need to be dragged to museums and plays."
"If you don't wish the compensation..."
He huffs. "No. I'll go."
"Excellent. Then you can prepare. We leave tomorrow morning."
"Morning?!" He whined, "Now you say-"
"Oh!" Mira clapped her hands suddenly, brightening and spinning toward me. "I'm also gonna go with, too!"
His hands slammed on the table. "NISHI'AN REH!"