I almost cry. Almost. The moment that the warm, gentle water of the bath is surrounding me, I can feel the tears welling up. I quickly shove them away, and just. Let myself sink into the feeling.
The bathtub is massive. It's more like a small pool, really. Deep enough I might be alarmed that I could drown in it, if I weren't preoccupied with the feeling of being clean. I'm not some vaguely aquatic creature like Llywelyn appears to be, but...
I feel a little like one right now.
It's been...
Years.
Since before I left Earth. Baths were never really something I considered a luxury. I didn't bother with them, and didn't find them to be particularly compelling time wasters. I did like to swim in pools, of course, but not all that often.
But after years of sonic cleaning and weak hand-rigged showers, this? The feeling of being submerged, with bubbles and gentle pressure. I... I don't want to leave this water. Ever.
I want to lay here and disperse. To melt away into the water.
I'm covered in a fragrant foam that is sweet and heady. And while the jets aren't as strong as they would be in an actual Earth-jacuzzi, they're soothing. Lulling. Relaxing.
I think I could sleep in here.
"Are you going to be in there all day?"
I groan at the voice and sink deeper into the water, until just my eyes and the top of my head are above it. "Go away."
I don't know if he hears or understands that through the bubbles.
I don't care. Mira says he spends hours in here. I'm going to be here just as long. I don't want to get out. I don't want to leave this tub. It's too good. Too perfect. I'll just... wait until it all turns cold. Then I'll get out.
Maybe.
I hear muttered curses - those weird untranslated words of his - before he paces away.
I can't stay in here forever.
I do have to actually scrub myself clean, too. And the thought of actually being... clean.... I slowly force myself to sit up, and the bubbles mostly wash away, leaving my skin tingling and my long hair plastered to my neck. I reach up and find a small tray of bottles, with writing that I can't read. I'm not sure which one is soap, and which is shampoo or conditioner, so I just pick a few and start dumping them on my head.
It takes a while to work the stuff into a lather and really scrub it into my hair. It's... been too long since I've had shampoo. I almost forgot the feeling of it. I scrub my fingers against my scalp until I can't feel anything but the creamy foam, and then dunk my head back to wash it all away.
I use the same stuff as body wash, just because it smells nice. I am starting to think that everything here is made of some kind of luxury and decadence, and I suppose it makes sense, if the owner owns the moon itself.
The thought of it is just...
It's surreal. I still can't wrap my head around the idea of being on a moon. Of being even further from home. The edge of a galaxy? It's ridiculous. It's absurd. It's insane.
But here I am. And I can't do anything about it.
I lean against the side of the tub, my arms draped over the edge, my cheek resting on my arm. The water is still warm, and the jets are still on, and I just... I don't want to move. I don't want to face the world outside this room. I don't want to think about what I'm going to do, how I'm going to survive, how I'm going to escape. I just want to... stay here. For a little longer.
So I do.
I close my eyes and just... breathe. In and out. Slow and steady. I try to clear my mind, to let go of the fear, the anger, the pain. It's hard. It's so hard. But I try. I try because I know I can't afford to fall apart. I can't afford to be weak. I have to be strong. For myself. For the others.
I startle awake in cooler water when an angry fishman knocks on the door. "Sarah! Come on, wake up! This is unfair! You're hogging the tub!"
I groan and rub at my eyes. "I'm up, I'm up." I call back, my voice rough. "Just... give me a minute."
I sit up and stretch, my muscles stiff from being in one position for so long. I must have dozed off. I feel a bit better, though. A bit calmer. A bit more... ready.
Though I still really can't say what that readiness is for.
I get out of the tub, and the water cascades off my body. I'm surprised to find that the floor is a soft, spongy material that immediately soaks up the water, leaving no puddles, despite it looking and otherwise feeling like more marble flooring. It's another little luxury that I'm not used to. I grab a towel from a rack near the door, and wrap it around myself, before opening the door.
Llywelyn is standing there, his arms crossed, his expression annoyed. "Fina-" He stops short, and his eyes widen a bit. Those veins of his glow a deep purple blue, and he quickly turns his head away. "Nishi'an! Put on some clothes!"
I frown, and look down at myself. I'm covered by a towel, it's not like he can see anything. It's a very plush! Covering! Towel. I'm not just some-! I press a hand onto his chest, and the glow flares up further under my fingers. Before I shove him.
"If you don't want to see, don't linger at the doorway of the bathroom like a weirdo!" I hiss at him.
"I wasn't lingering! You're the one that took forever!" He stumbles back from the push, eyes still averted.
"Mira said you do this all the time!"
"She...! Well! That's different!" He huffs, and turns around completely. "I'm an Akutwas, I'm meant to be in water. And I dress! Before leaving!"
Yes. Well.
I just.
Forgot to bring in a change of clothes. And the fact is, now that I'm clean, it's hard to miss that the clothes I was wearing before were... not as clean as I thought. I don't want to put them back on.
But we. Really do have to do something about modesty and changing clothes in this small space. I suppose it hasn't been an issue when there were only two people and one of them was an asexual rock. I clear my throat. "I... just need something to wear."
"Oh? Really? You don't say." He's sarcastic. Of course he is. "I am quite aware." He sighs, loudly. "There's a robe in the cabinet behind you. It should fit."
I glance over my shoulder, and sure enough, there's a large cabinet I hadn't even noticed. I open it and find several plush, silky robes hanging there. They're all various shades of blue, and I grab one at random, pulling it on over my towel. It's soft and warm, and it reaches down to my ankles. It's a little big on me, but it's better than nothing.
"Alright. I'm dressed." I tell him, and he turns back around.
He glances me over, his brow furrowed. "You took my..." He sighs and shakes his head, glow flaring up in the darkness. "Nevermind. Let me by. I need to bathe before I dry up into a husk."
I step aside, and he marches into the bathroom, stripping off his coat and shirt as he goes. I watch him for a moment, curious, before he turns around and glares at me. "Stop peeping."
"Close the door!" I snap back.
He scoffs, and slides the door shut. "Fis'ia human." I hear him mutter.
I roll my eyes, and walk away from the door, toward the bunk bed that is apparently mine. I'm... still exhausted. Despite taking that brief nap in the bath. I'm emotionally wrung out, and my body is still recovering from... everything. I think I need to sleep. A real sleep. Not just a doze.
I climb under the covers, and sink into the soft mattress. It's so much more comfortable than anything I've had in years. I almost feel guilty for it.
Almost.
I pull the blankets up to my chin, and close my eyes. I can hear the sound of water running, and I know Llywelyn is in there, enjoying his bath. I don't know why, but... in a way that I can't quite express, it feels...
Somehow comforting. To know that he's there. That I'm not alone.
It's not the same as knowing Hestia or Alistair was nearby. Those two were my... they were my heart. And yet, I'm not... alone. Llywelyn and Mira might be aliens, might be... strange. But they're not... bad. Not really. They're not about to hurt me.
I think that...
I think I believe that. Xilukulkas seems to genuinely care about his property. That doesn't mean he cares about me, but... he's going to keep me alive.
That's not the same as being safe.
But it's something.
I drift off to sleep, to the sound of water and the faint hum of the manor.
I dream of Earth. I dream of Mom, of my room, of school. I dream of the things I took for granted, the things I thought I hated. The boring, mundane, normal things. And I realize, in my dream, how much I miss them. How much I want them back.
I wake up to a gentle touch on my shoulder, and I blink my eyes open. Mira is leaning over me, her gem-like face close to mine. Her eyes are bright and sparkling, and her smile is wide.
"Good morning, sleepyhead!" She says, her voice cheerful. "It's time to get up! We have to go eat breakfast!"
"Gauh." I recoil a bit from her. "What time is it?"
"Time for food!" She giggles, and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the bed. "Come on! Come on, you didn't eat with us last time, it was very disappointing. I want to see you eat!"
I don't know why it matters to her, but I let her drag me along, still half-asleep. I'm wearing the robe, which is probably not appropriate for dining, but Mira doesn't give me time to change. She just leads me to the cafeteria, where Llywelyn is already sitting, a plate of food in front of him.
He looks up as we enter, and his brow furrows. "S'nilia-.... what are you wearing, you crazy human?"
I point at him. "You're supposed to be nicer." I remind him. I'm too drowsy to deal with his attitude right now.
He rolls his eyes and his collar glows. "That doesn't mean I have to let your lack of decency slide. Put on some clothes." He turns his attention back to his food, ignoring me.
"Not like I got the chance..." I grumble.
I sigh, and sit down next to him. Mira sits across from me, and beams at me. "I'm so glad you're here! I was so lonely."
I blink and look up at her. "You were... lonely?" Didn't Llywelyn say that she couldn't feel negative emotions?
"She uses words normal people use because she likes them." The voice of the fish-man cuts into my thoughts. "She doesn't really understand that things like mild boredom or under-stimulation are different from something like loneliness." He stabs at his food with his fork. "Don't bother trying to parse it, you'll hurt yourself."
"I don't use words I don't understand." She huffs. "You're just being rude."
"Uh-huh." He says, clearly not listening to her. "Anyway. Why aren't you dressed?" He turns to me, and his eyes travel up and down my robe.
"I woke up and she dragged me out of bed." I gesture at the woman.
"A common side effect of her presence." He nods, and rubs at his forehead with his fingers.
Before he can say anything else, Mira cuts in. "There's an asteroid shower today! We can watch it!"
I blink. "We can?"
"Yes! We can go outside in the gardens and watch it. It's very cozy."
"You mean the greenhouse...?"
"Mm? No. The gardens." She pauses, looking thoughtful a moment, lips pursing in an expression that looks almost too cute. "Though you could see it there, too. But it wouldn't be as good!" She beams at me.
I glance at Llywelyn, who is now frowning deeply, and his collar is pulsing.
"You don't like it?" I ask him.
"I'd prefer not to have to sit through Mira's constant commentary, or watch the way she sparkles under the falling stars." He grits his teeth. "But I've been informed that I don't have a choice."
"Of course not!" She laughs. "We're all friends now! So we have to watch it together. It's tradition."
"Who's tradition?!" He snaps at her.
"Miiiiine!" She says, as if that explains anything. "You'll have fun. I know you will! You always do."
"I cannot recall a single moment I have had fun in your presence, you glittering boulder." He sighs, and then picks up his fork again. "But there's no arguing with her. We'll go after dinner." He hesitates, food halfway to his mouth, and adds, "And after you put some fis'ia clothes on." He jabs his fork in my direction.
I make a face at him, and grab a pastry off of a tray on the table. I don't know what it's filled with, but it smells sweet and spicy, and it looks delicious. I take a bite, and it's flaky and soft on the inside. There's some kind of fruit filling, and it's warm and gooey. I can't name any of the flavors, but it's good.
"This is good." I say, around a mouthful of food.
"I know." Llywelyn says, smug, as if he somehow contributed to it himself. "Xilukulkas spares no expense for his collection." He takes a sip of whatever drink he has in his cup.
Mira is already eating some kind of porridge, and she nods. "Mm. Very good. Master is very generous."
I chew slowly, thinking about that. It's a strange thought. I refuse. To call him 'master'. Even if it's a lot more pronounceable than his name. And I won't just sit back and acknowledge being 'owned'. That's not going to happen. But... the food is good, and I am a little grateful for it.
I don't know how to feel about that.
We eat in silence for a while, and then Mira starts chattering about the asteroid shower. Apparently, it's a rare alignment that has something to do with the act that the moon we're on is orbiting the galaxy itself. A whole host of asteroids and meteorites will pass by, and, because this moon has an atmosphere, they'll light up in the 'sky'. She's very excited, and I can't help but be a little curious. It sounds...pretty.
Llywelyn is less enthusiastic. He keeps sighing and making faces, but he doesn't argue with her, just mutters to himself. I think he's actually looking forward to it, but he doesn't want to admit it. I don't know why. Maybe he thinks it's childish.
"Are we the only ones watching?" I ask, curious.
"No, of course not!" Mira says, shaking her head. "There are many of us. Jxyim and the others, too. They'll all be there. It's a party!"
"A party..." I repeat, and stare down at my food.
A party.
Like the one that Ivan threw. Or... the one Anna demanded that we all have after moving to the tidal processing station.
But now...
It's like Lena said. The people that were at that party are all...
"Sarah~!" Mira's singsong voice cuts through my thoughts, and I look up at her. "Are you okay?"
I give her a weak smile. "Yeah. I just... I was thinking about the last party I was at."
"Oh? Was it fun? What did you do?" She leans forward, her eyes wide.
I shrug. "Not much. Just... ate, and talked. And...danced. A little."
She gasps, and claps her hands. "We can do that! We can have a dance party under the stars!"
Llywelyn groans. "No. Please. No."
"Aww, why not? It'll be fun!" She pouts at him.
"Because you have two left feet and both of them weigh as much as a small planet. You'll crush me." He glares at her.
"I do not!"
"You do too."
"I do not!"
I sigh, and tune them out. I'm not in the mood for their bickering. I don't know if I want to dance, anyway. I don't know if I can.
I think about Alistair, and how we danced at the last party. How he held me close, and how I felt his heartbeat. How I... I don't know what I felt, really. It's all a mess.
I miss him. I miss him so much. I wish he was here. I wish I could see him again. Talk to him. Touch him.
But he's not. And he never will be.
The thought makes my chest ache, and I push it away. I can't dwell on that. I can't. I have to focus on the present. On surviving. On... whatever this is.
I finish my pastry, and stand up. "I'm going to go get dressed. I'll see you guys later."
Mira nods, still pouting at Llywelyn, and he just waves me off.
And that's...
Fine.
Because I think I. Need to be alone. For a little while.