I opened my eyes again, not because I wasn't able to keep watching him accepting something given by someone else, but it was as if something was stopping me from continuing to view that day. My chest was feeling heavy and I wanted to cry even more, but the tears were not forming for some reason. The heaviness was growing along with a silent distant feeling which felt like it was screaming in my chest. I wished to get out of these four walls which had a life within them, but felt utterly lifeless. I wished to roam around in the gardens, maybe buy something from the nearby shops, go and play basketball with other basketball players and maybe...maybe feel alive again. But my legs were feeling weak as if they had exhausted themselves after walking millions of miles. I remember losing myself more and more in the thoughts of his during the time after we had broken up.
I hoped that I would never see him again, yet I rehearsed what my reaction, my gestures, my words and my greetings would be if I cross paths with him again. I would ast normal and talk to him politely, as if I felt unbothered with his presence in my radius and it was just the presence of another ordinary person there. As if he was just another one in the eight million people present on Earth and just another one of the hundreds or thousands of people I cross paths with each and every day. I rehearsed my reaction upon seeing him for the first time in I do not know how long— maybe I would pretend not to notice him at first, or maybe a small, formal and distant smile like we had not shared a past to which a part of me still stuck.
I would act as if the person standing in front of me was just a stranger, just a face among the millions of faces who appeared the same to me— just one among all the blurred faces carrying the same pain. The pain of loving someone.
I would hide the anklets from his view, so that he does not know that I still craved for his love as much as I wanted stay away from him. I would act as if my closest cousin had not cursed the world out of him when I ugly cried in her arms like a baby. I would act as if my brother had not convinced me to let go of something that hurt me more and more with each passing day. I would act as if my best friend had not held me in her arms while I was shaking and shivering after being unable to form tears to shed and words to speak. I would act as if I had not begged Kanha to take me back in time just to experience a speck of Arth's love again. I would act as if leaving him did not make me feel life less and deprived of an actual worth. I would act as if I had not begged Kanha to take away all the pain because every thing was hurting too much. I would act as if I had not cried while praying to Kanha because I felt peace... I would act as if the hurtful words that Arth had typed about me had not affected me even a tiny bit while in reality I had questioned my own way of living on reading those lines. I would act as if his words, just the day after our break up, had not messed with my train of thoughts.
Just a day after I had broken up with him
He had put an NGL questions link on Instagram to which many people were asking him various types of questions, among which a few caught my eye and broke me more.
"Tujhe Teri ex se pyaar kaise hua?" (How did you fall in love with your ex?)
The answer: 'Mujhe usse as if kabhi pyaar hua hee nahi tha.'
"I have liked you since class ninth, but got to know that you have a girl friend. I was planning on not telling you this, but I can not stop myself from confessing"
The answer: 'Actually, I am not a relationship right now..so you can confess and maybe I will give you a chance.'
"Do you believe in second chances?"
The answer: 'Ofcourse not.'
Present day
As I was questioning my own existence while thinking about him, he was making sure that every one knew that we had broken up. He claimed that he had not ever fallen in love with me, but I remember the way his eyes used to light up whenever I entered the room, the way he used to look at me with dreamy eyes and the way he used to describe me in front of his friends. He was ready to give someone else a chance, where I remember the promise where we both had claimed to be each other's last love.
He does not believe in second chances, yet I gave him seventeen chances just to have him a bit more in my life. I had confronted him about his mistakes, and he had promised not to repeat them again. I had then realised that he was really good at breaking people and promises. But breaking the people, it did not include his friends, family or relatives, but the person who still thought of him as a part of her own self. He repeated the same mistakes. The mistakes did not hurt me as much as his broken promises did. I knew that after confronting, I would not be able to be the same person again and I was scared of hurting him. I remember he had cried when I had reminded him of his mistakes. I remember that he had not slept the whole night after knowing that his actions hurt me. I did not want to hurt him anymore. Even if it means that I would not be able to smile truly and freely, I would choose his happiness over my own. I know he would be feeling hurt and sad, but that won't be permanent— after some time, he would move on as if we had not created a past full of love, and I would not blame him from moving on.
Many hours had passed with me lying in the same position on my bed and the clock now read 19.07 p.m, the time when our story had started. Our love has now completed its circle of happiness and sadness, starting and ending on the same time. The result of 3.14 did not change, the parallel lines could not meet and the tangents, after meeting once, are now continuing to move further and further away from each other. Yet I will continue to pray for his good health and continue to hope for his betterment and growth.
As my final act of love, I would let go of him. Even after he exits my life, I would cherish the traces of him and hold onto his memories for a life time. For my own move on, I am submitting myself to Kanha. In the devotion and affection I have for my God, I will try to forget the thoughts of Arth. I will continue to cherish each word, each phrase and each sentence that were once dedicated to me by him— every 'I love you', every 'my love', every nickname and every loving word. I will continue to cherish the memories I had once created with him and continue to make new scenarios in my thoughts.
As my final act of love, Arth Upadhyay, I will make sure that you hate me so it becomes easy for you to forget me, while I will continue to move around intheFadedMemoriesofYou for the rest of my time.