Upon closing my eyes yet again, not intentionally but sub consciously, I expected to see another mishappening that had taken place in our relationship, but I was mistaken. Instead, I saw myself in my prime year, a basketball in my hand, dribbling and running swiftly across the court, not stopped by anyone, and scoring baskets over baskets. I had played my first national basketball championship in the Sub Junior criteria in that year. On the court that day, I was smiling and laughing around with my companions. It was the joy I only found while playing basketball.
In the present time, I realised that my train of thoughts was getting deviated slowly, I did not know by who or by what reason or how, but the tracks had changed. I realised that in order to have him in my life, I had forgotten myself. I realised that during the time we both were dating, I was so deeply concerned about making him impressed and keeping his feelings intact, I had not even realised that I had stopped writing much, I had stopped singing the songs I once loved and especially, I had stopped thinking about basketball where I used to play freely, not having to impress anyone. I remembered his text,
"Next time tum jab basketball khelne jaogi, mujhe bata ke jaana, main aaunga aur bahar se tumhe khelte huye dekhunga. Do not refuse."
(The next time you go to play basketball, first tell me and then go, I would come and watch you play. Do not refuse.)
I remember the uncomfort I had felt upon reading that text. I didn't know why. He was protecting me, right? I had informed him about the date when the next basketball match was held. He did as he had told me on text the other day. We were all getting snacks and refreshments, as we were the players who had participated in the match, by our coaches who had organised the 3x3 basketball league. I was smiling, giggling and dancing a bit (I still do not know why I was dancing, but never mind).
I looked at him to show off the snacks I got and give him some too but the sight made me freeze in my tracks. Some other girl was offering him snacks, maybe saying something as well. What hurt me wasn't the fact that the girl was doing something that I was supposed to do, but the fact that he willingly accepted the snacks that were being given to him by her. He was still smiling at her then at me, but the smile on my face had faded like the light that faded after a candle is blown out. I tried to play cool about it as he gestured me, asking me what was wrong. I was thinking that the pain I felt in my chest would cool off after some time, I was overreacting for sure. Upon seeing his reaction, I was sure that he knew that he did something, unintentionally, which hurt me, I saw uncertainty on his face. Neither fear nor guilt, but uncertainty. I thought that maybe I was overthinking and overreacting, but it still hurt.
I wanted to remind myself more of what had happened that day, but a hot light flashes before my eyes as if some force was stopping me from remembering the things that had happened in my past which had made me cry and feel pain. I saw my younger self playing basketball on our court and guiding the team. I was the point guard a few years back as much as I remember. I saw myself assisting the ball, throwing passes and scoring baskets. It sounds like I was playing very seriously, but it was quite the opposite— I was smiling and joking around. It was just a casual and friendly which we were playing. I loved that sport so much, and I still do.
But do I really have the same skills I had back then? Will I have the same stamina? Do I still have the same scoring possibility? What will anyone thinking if they saw me missing more shots than I have scored? Will they laugh at me? Staying within these four walls, remembering the way he has been badmouthing me presently, remembering how easy it is to let go of the past I had once created and start making jokes about me once they have a reason, lie or truth, have caused me to build invisible yet almost unbreakable walls around myself due to which I have developed social anxiety during the present time.
In my mind, I travelled back to the same day that girl had given him those snacks, which he had already eaten while I was unable to eat my own. I remember the way he was staring blankly at me when I missed a few baskets while I was playing against our opponent team— unimpressed and as if he had somewhere more important to be present in and just like that, he left the court without saying anything and I was grateful that he did not say anything. I was not ready to hear any 'yaar, you could have scored that shot' or 'you missed such an easy shot!'.Oh, the relief yet pain I had felt at that time.
At that time, I was content that he was silent before leaving me at the court,
At the present moment, I craved to listen to even a sound that was uttered by him, that had escaped his lips.