It's been about fifteen minutes since I reluctantly left the house, goaded by the manager's threatening phone call.
Ugh….
I lay on a park bench nearby like some homeless guy, wrestling with my nausea.
No, I wasn't planning to ditch my shift after all. Up until a moment ago, I was actually thinking, "Since things are already like this, I might as well give it my all," as I walked along.
But then I ran into an unexpected dilemma.
When a passerby muttered, "What's that?", I reflexively turned my head—and discovered the corpse of a cat sprawled across the street.
A few days ago, seeing that wouldn't have been an issue, but in my rush to procure more meat than usual, I'd spent far longer than normal staring at corpses, and it came back to bite me with stress.
Ugh…!!!
Just from seeing the cat's corpse, I had a panic attack.
My airways constricted, cold sweat broke out, and dizziness hit me like I'd been on a rocking boat, even though I was just standing there.
I reflexively reached into my pocket for my anti-anxiety pills, but stopped halfway.
The pills would ease my anxiety for a while, but I had to remember that despite being prescribed, they were basically hard drugs. Overuse meant dependence, and who knew what damage it would inflict on my body.
Besides, I'd already taken two of them at dawn while securing the corpse this morning.
The doctor's warning was that the dosage was one pill per day. But I'd been dealing with panic disorder for so long that I'd built up a tolerance.
Now one pill alone barely touched the attacks.
That was why I'd popped two, but then the effects could get so strong that I'd sometimes see things—hallucinations that startled me.
In any case, there was nothing to do but wait for the attack to subside on its own, so I looked for somewhere I could rest and headed for the park.
I found a bench, flopped down on it, and that's where I was now.
The homeless guy who must own this bench was shooting me a dirty look. Sorry… I'll be off in a minute.
"…I really am pathetic."
Once the panic attack eased, self-hatred filled the vacancy.
I wasn't even sure what exactly I hated—only that in this moment I felt utterly pathetic, and I despised myself.
Maybe I hated myself for trembling at the sight of a cat's corpse, or for being so powerless that unless I destroyed my body I couldn't give Eto what she needed.
If I had more money, if I knew more about ghouls, if I possessed the strength to raise Eto safely…
I searched for what I was lacking and what reason I had to hate myself, but I realized all those were just pieces of a larger self-loathing.
"Damn it…"
Frustration at a problem with no answer escaped as a curse, and realizing it was aimed at myself made me feel even more depressed.
I pushed my arm away from my eyes and saw a cloudy sky.
The clouds were thick enough that rain might fall, but they shielded me from the blazing sun, letting me rest my gaze on a patch of blue.
Flutter.
A single bird sliced across that sky.
A pigeon? But it was far too large and its shape was all wrong…
That was…
"…An owl?"
An owl in the heart of the city, where buildings towered instead of trees… I felt like I'd seen it before.
At that moment, a bottle of water drifted into my field of vision as if pointing me toward the owl.
What's this? Did the homeless guy, feeling sorry for my state, offer it?
"Ah, thank you."
I accepted the bottle, murmured my thanks, sat up, and looked to the side.
The man in the black coat and fedora, his hair pressed down by sweat under the brim, wasn't the homeless guy.
I recognized him immediately.
Though he had more wrinkles and more gray in his hair than when I last saw him, there was no doubt.
"…You've really aged, Mister Kuzen."
"And you've gotten awfully thin, Koma."
He was Eto's biological father, Mister Kuzen.
"Was it about three years ago that we last saw each other?"
"That sounds about right. I had to rush off, so we barely even exchanged a word."
"That's a shame. You left before I could see Eto's face properly."
We sat side by side on the park bench, talking.
The homeless guy who'd been the bench's owner slunk away under Kuzen's sharp gaze. I felt guilty, though he hadn't meant to intrude.
"How's the work with your organization going?"
"I'm just wrapping it up. In fact, I was on my way here after taking care of the key members of the strike team that was after me."
No wonder, I thought, peering inside Kuzen's coat with a concerned look.
Through the gap, I saw him pressing a hand against a wounded area, the faint metallic tang of blood in the air.
"Is it serious?"
"It's nothing. Ghouls heal that kind of injury in no time."
"Yet you look exhausted."
"You're not exactly in a position to judge."
"…Is it that obvious?"
"You could collapse in the street right now and nobody would think twice."
Man, Eto had only been a little suspicious, but I'd managed to fool Hitokawa with my poker face. With Kuzen, though, experience always shows.
"Is feeding Eto giving you trouble?"
Kuzen asked carefully.
"Hmm… a bit."
"I see…"
"But it's manageable. I can still keep going."
"By relying on your pills?"
Gulp. I swallowed a groan.
How did he know? Oh—he must have caught me hesitating over that pill when I saw the cat.
I considered lying and saying they were vitamins, but with him, that would've been a stretch.
"It's kind of dangerous."
"…"
"The doctor said, whatever stress you're taking on, you need to stop now. Otherwise it'll get so bad you won't even be able to function in daily life."
"…Koma."
"But…"
Kuzen seemed about to say more, but I cut him off, anticipating his words.
"I can still raise Eto."
"…No need. My organization stuff is just about done…"
"If that were true, you wouldn't have shown up here wounded on the street. You'd have come home in one piece."
I grinned, feeling like I'd landed a good one.
"Come on, Mister Kuzen. You still don't know me?"
I thought. I can't fool you, but you can't fool me.
"There's still a dangerous 'variable' out there—one that could swallow you and Eto whole. That's why you couldn't come for her properly in five years."
"…But if things keep going like this, you…"
"Oh, I've been curious… about Ukina."
Ukina.
Kuzen's wife and Eto's birth mother.
A human who loved a ghoul, Mister Kuzen.
"They said ghouls and humans can't have children—ghouls can't extract nutrients from human bodies. How did Ukina do it?"
"You know ghouls have only one source of nourishment."
"Right? Then I can do it too."
"Koma…"
I gave a light tap on Kuzen's shoulder, trying to lift the shadow from his face.
"Believe me. These are the words of the nephew of the woman you loved."
"…"
Kuzen said nothing and stood up.
He walked a few steps, then spoke without turning around.
"You do resemble Ukina… but you're not as strong as she was."
"Hmm~ That's something we agree on. If she was sunlight, at best I'm moonlight."
"So I'm asking you."
Kuzen strode away, his black coat swirling behind him.
He left me with a single murmured line:
"…Don't die."
"I'll remember that."
I waved as I saw him off.
Looking up, I saw the owl that had been cutting between the skyscrapers was gone. Glancing down, Kuzen had disappeared too.
"Well… shall we?"
The panic attack was over, and I stretched before setting off again.