I felt anxious the entire time we were together.
Even as Saturday passed and Sunday arrived, I couldn't help but feel uneasy.
Looking at her behavior as objectively as possible, she appeared and acted like someone who was fine, but yesterday's conversation made me realize I shouldn't accept that at face value.
"Because you're here, I no longer have a reason to ask to be killed."
That single sentence carried a heavy meaning.
I could have asked for details, but I was afraid to probe deeper and ended up avoiding it.
If I said I would protect her, and if Kanna firmly believed she would be protected by relying on that, it would truly be a joyous thing. If that were the case, I could be happy that Kanna told me, "Because you're here."
But if that wasn't it.
If she had cut away so many things and was now prepared to cut away even her own life, what should I do?
I wished someone would tell me the answer.
If it meant physically stopping her, I could do that. I could grab her arms, trip her legs, and pin her down with force.
When she said she was suffering and wanted to die alone without harming anyone anymore, I had even considered removing her prosthetic arm if necessary.
But then I began to wonder if physically restraining her would actually make her give up.
I couldn't monitor her every move 24 hours a day, and that kind of forceful prevention would only leave us both emotionally drained.
So what should I do?
I pondered the answer many times, and what I came up with was something primitive yet most effective.
Providing psychological stability. I needed to help her find stability and prevent her from making extreme choices herself.
But as effective as it was, the difficulty was the problem.
After dinner, when Kanna finished washing the dishes while I was doing laundry, I felt my mind going blank.
Too many thoughts seemed to increase the time I spent zoning out.
The fact that tomorrow was already the day to return to the Academy made me resent how cruelly fast time was flowing.
As I stared at the washing machine that was nearly done with its cycle, there was a knock at the door.
"Oh, come in."
Kanna knocked, apparently finished with the dishes, and I opened the door from inside.
Since I wasn't planning to shower or change clothes, I could easily let her in.
After opening the door, Kanna hesitantly stepped inside.
She glanced at me nervously and then pouted as she made her request.
"Um, help me wash up today too."
Although she had asked me yesterday and the day before, she still seemed embarrassed each time.
Perhaps it was because we were friends but still touching her body.
Both Kanna and I felt awkward, but understanding it couldn't be helped, I simply nodded silently.
Kanna removed her prosthetic arm and leg one by one.
I helped remove the last prosthetic arm, and then brought her into the bathroom.
Gulping, I seated her carefully on the chair, washed her hair, and gently pushed her back with a towel squeezed with body wash.
As I pushed against her soft skin, Kanna's body leaned forward.
There were no words. Only the sound of me washing her body beyond the quiet splashing of water.
Though I couldn't feel the exact sensation because of the towel, the pressure of touching her remained unforgettable at my fingertips.
I felt a bit crazy when I unconsciously massaged her once in a while.
"...Yoon Ha-min."
"Ah, sorry."
I regained my composure and continued washing her body.
I wanted to set aside my personal feelings since she trusted me, but there was a limit to that, so I was just grateful that she had her back to me.
*
Allowing someone else to touch your body isn't easy.
Especially depending on someone else during moments when you need to wash thoroughly.
I entrusted myself to him thinking, "I can trust Yoon Ha-min," but regardless of trust, the sensation wasn't exactly comfortable.
It couldn't be helped, but if I wanted to wash alone, I would need to gain better control of my ability before anything else, so I had no choice but to endure for now.
Groaning softly, I reattached my prosthetic arm and leg, then changed my clothes.
"...Yoon Ha-min?"
I turned my head.
He must have gone straight into the bathroom after attaching my prosthetics so I could move on my own, because the changing room was empty with just me standing there.
Looking at the translucent glass beyond which only his silhouette was visible, Yoon Ha-min turned on the water and called out to me.
"Ah, I'm going to wash up too...! Thought I'd take a bath."
"I see..."
I nodded.
Come to think of it, I should have asked if I could use the bathtub too.
After getting dressed and coming out to the changing room, I shook my hair dry with a towel and looked around.
Yesterday, today, in these repeating days, I let out a small groan.
I didn't know how much time I had left.
It was inevitable since I wasn't dying because of my own issues but because of the whims of a Strange One.
I recalled the Strange One showing me how to create a totem at the Academy.
The realization that they could create one here anytime, with no limit to the number, was a chilling warning.
No matter how much I insisted on erasing totems, I couldn't erase them all before the Strange One invaded, and I became convinced that the problem wouldn't be solved unless I died too.
I sighed.
Though I worried about what to do next, I had to put it off for now. There wasn't much I could do about it anyway.
Suddenly remembering yesterday and today, I looked at the closed bathroom door.
A small laugh escaped me.
Come to think of it, Yoon Ha-min was trying to help improve my written test scores, which he thought had some hope.
I was sorry to him, but my history grades didn't seem likely to improve.
The truth I knew and the truth proclaimed by textbook-wielding teachers took different forms.
The gap felt too wide for me.
I could easily answer questions about who built the Wall or the heroes who drove away the Strange Ones, as those were undisputed facts.
But when it came to incidents, the origins of Strange Ones, and such speculations, the truth was different for me, so I couldn't help but feel the discrepancy.
I could write better if I acknowledged this, but I was afraid of writing potentially dangerous content, so I couldn't even write with confidence.
Grades seemed meaningless to me now, but I still studied because I didn't want to be remembered as someone who didn't try.
I clung to it as if it somehow proved who I was.
As my thoughts deepened, something suddenly occurred to me.
I was taken away on Wednesday.
I spent Thursday and Friday absent.
I broke into a cold sweat thinking my grades would be ruined due to attendance issues before anything else.
At the same time, I worried about how people who saw me being taken away would treat me if they knew the whole story.
Should I ask Yoon Ha-min? How am I viewed at the Academy now?
Hearing that the situation was terrible would depress me, but since I would have to face it eventually, I steeled myself.
After spending quite some time preparing myself, I waited for Yoon Ha-min to finish his bath.
Even after that, we chatted about various things including studying, and waited for night to come.
As night deepened and I lay in bed, I seized the opportunity to speak.
"Ha-min, can I ask you something?"
"What is it...?"
Yoon Ha-min seemed cautious.
He seemed to think I might ask something strange, but I couldn't understand why he would react that way.
"Are there any rumors about me going around the Academy?"
"...Uh, no, there shouldn't be any?"
"I'm going to the Academy tomorrow, so don't lie and tell me the truth."
I gave him another chance as he tried to brush it off, and he groaned.
"Well, a lot of people saw what happened... Some are saying the Wall collapsed because of you, but that rumor should disappear since you returned without being executed."
I wasn't so sure about that.
The rumors might disappear, but once a false accusation is made, it's hard to erase.
Even if people stop talking, it's difficult to remove the colored glasses through which they view you.
I exhaled deeply.
I accepted it, thinking that I would just receive slightly harsher versions of the looks I already got for being a poor student.
"Kanna, if there are kids like that, I'll..."
"No."
Yoon Ha-min tried to show me kindness again.
"You don't have to go that far for me."
But I didn't want that much consideration.
Because if the Strange One really invaded again, and if what the researchers said was true—that the Strange One could use my body as a totem to find me or easily break through the wall—then Yoon Ha-min, who was protecting me, could get caught up in it too.
That's why I only told Yoon Ha-min this:
"If something happens to me, don't get involved and stay away."
"Why...?"
"Because it's dangerous."
At my words, Yoon Ha-min looked upset.
To change the mood, I asked:
"By the way, you were massaging my chest earlier when you were washing me?"
"Uh, wh-what, what?"
Yoon Ha-min coughed repeatedly as if caught off guard, then spoke in a flustered voice.