Wednesday's activities had come to an end.
Instead of making a good impression during my first field training, I only showed my inadequacies, leaving me with nothing but regret.
I had already scored zero on the ability test, so should I expect the same result this time too?
Just when I thought I might earn some points in geography class, I lost points here instead, making it feel like everything balanced out to zero again.
Well, there was still a week until the exam, so I decided to take it easy as I continued walking.
Even after the day's activities ended, my feet didn't stop moving.
I headed to the next sector through the transit station.
Ha-min and I walked together in an awkward atmosphere.
No conversation passed between us until we reached the next sector and approached the Wall.
My hand was injured, and trying to guess the reason only led to desperate scenarios, increasing my anxiety and leaving an unsettling feeling that clung to my mind.
As I walked along the Wall, I clenched my fist tightly.
The bandage compressing my right hand gave me an alien sensation.
Feeling that texture, I kept my fist clenched while repeatedly starting to say something, then stopping.
My lips opened and closed repeatedly, ultimately sealing shut and swallowing all my words.
Nothing I could say here would improve the situation.
Turning away from the worst-case scenario and focusing only on hope would just be self-consolation, so I tried to face reality.
This was the result.
After a moment of silence, Ha-min carefully spoke to me.
"Kanna. What are you going to do now?"
"...I don't know."
"If you've gotten stronger by absorbing the totem, your wavelength might have gotten stronger too."
"..."
It wasn't me but Ha-min who first threw himself against reality.
Even though I knew I needed to face reality, even though I already knew the answer, I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud.
Keeping silent wouldn't solve anything.
Postponing wouldn't help either—time only heals emotional knots, and even then only in some cases. I couldn't expect time to solve a problem like this.
Totem, totem.
Hearing Ha-min's words, I considered turning away and ignoring reality several times, but ultimately I couldn't help but think about the totem.
Totems were compasses for the Strange Ones to invade inside the Wall.
There were many differing opinions about how the Strange Ones, who couldn't directly affect the area inside the Wall, managed to place totems here.
They brought many totems before the Wall was established. And each time they invaded, they left more behind.
The Strange Ones have spies. Someone living inside pretends to be an ordinary person while creating totems.
The only difference between inside and outside the Wall is whether the mana is refined or not, so totems are simply unrefined mana that has naturally crystallized.
Various theories circulated, but the third opinion was immediately discarded since totems all had different shapes.
That left the first two possibilities, but I didn't know much about either.
The case briefings never explained where or how totems appeared.
"...Totem."
I muttered as I walked along the Wall.
I had absorbed a totem—not knowing where it came from or how it was created—and managed to grow stronger, if only a little.
Most people probably don't even know totems exist, but if they did, they'd be shocked to hear someone could gain power from them. It was an absurd situation.
If I became stronger by gaining power from a totem, and my wavelength intensified as a result...
And if my body's wavelength also served the function of a totem, wouldn't I become a permanent compass for the Strange Ones as long as I lived?
I gulped.
Once again, I felt the face of the Strange One etching itself into my vision.
My eyes widened. The sudden lurching sensation made nausea rise in my throat.
I stopped in place, covered my mouth, and dry heaved.
Ha-min grabbed me in surprise.
"Ka-Kanna?!"
"...Ugh."
I barely managed to focus my blurry vision and raised my head.
There were no buildings near the Wall, making it feel like a runway.
I wanted to fly away. And then fall.
Many thoughts crossed my mind.
"Ha-min..."
I trembled.
Then I validated what he had said, giving weight to his words.
"What if, what if... If I end up serving as a totem, please just kill me then."
"What are you saying...! No matter what happens..."
"I'm a totem, right? If the Wall collapses because of me, will they hold me responsible? Will you take the blame? That's not right."
Ha-min had previously said he would protect me no matter what situation I faced.
I could still vividly hear his voice trying to convince me that the desire to live is the same whether you're a hero or not.
But ideals and reality always clash.
At my worst, I selfishly threw choices at Ha-min and forced him to decide.
I threatened that if he didn't kill me, the Strange Ones would repeatedly breach the Wall through me.
When that moment came, Ha-min's gaze wavered.
He had insisted before that he couldn't kill me, but I presented him with the choice again, and he could only look at me with an unsteady gaze, unable to say anything.
I swallowed hard.
Ha-min flinched, then exhaled shakily before speaking.
"...No, Kanna. Calm down. Nothing's been confirmed yet, right?"
"But it's already likely. You actually think so too."
He stepped back as if trying to escape.
I stepped forward as if chasing him.
"No, that's just a possibility..."
"What if that possibility becomes reality?"
When I cut him off sharply, Ha-min's voice disappeared, stifled.
Afterward, he groaned, "Ungh."
"...Kanna, should we just go home for today?"
"..."
Ha-min seemed to want to cover up this conversation as if it never happened.
If he thought this was something we could just look away from, that was a problem in itself.
It would be nice if Ha-min could protect me.
But from the moment I started functioning as a totem, my very existence would serve as a spy for the Strange Ones, and I would deserve to be branded as a traitor to humanity.
So I pushed him with extreme words.
"I'm not asking you to kill me right now. I'm saying kill me if you think I can substitute for a totem. Besides, if the Wall keeps collapsing because something like me exists, and the Strange Ones keep invading, wouldn't they just throw someone like me outside the Wall?"
I wasn't asking to be killed immediately.
I wasn't begging like before, saying I was crazy and couldn't take it anymore.
If I served as a totem, if my wavelength truly intensified and allowed the Strange Ones to find me faster, I was asking to be killed before the pain that would follow—because I was afraid of that pain.
I didn't want to hurt anymore.
I didn't want to be with the Strange Ones who would inflict pain while carefully keeping me alive.
After saying all that, I felt choked up and short of breath.
Having spoken while panting, I realized I was too agitated and carefully steadied my breathing.
Ha-min, who had heard my outburst up close, glanced around briefly before addressing me.
"What? If Strange Ones invade because of you, they'll throw someone like you outside the Wall?"
His voice sounded incredulous after hearing what I'd said.
Then he continued, as if mocking my words.
"If anyone ever says that, then everything might as well collapse."
This time it was my turn to widen my eyes at Ha-min's words.
It felt like being hit on the back of the head, hearing something so unbelievable.
Ha-min, who fights for the greater good, saying something like that?
No, that can't be right.
I rolled my eyes in confusion, but Ha-min looked at me with steady eyes, as if believing he had said the right thing.
"What are you..."
"If anyone talks like that, I said everything might as well collapse."
Ha-min was angry with me.
He was genuinely furious at me.
"So stop saying things like that. I was just anxious too when I mentioned it. But even if it's true, that's not a reason for you to die."
What a fool.
Though his upright and righteous character would make him a unique hero, he was still just a kid who didn't know how to make choices.
Right now, he could say "I'll choose both," but when the situation actually unfolds, would he have that luxury?
I had presented him with a choice, and he had merely postponed making it.
If the worst-case scenario came true, I wondered if I should just commit suicide.
Living as a totem would mean receiving poor treatment from both sides.
With the Strange Ones, I would experience pain over and over; with humans, I would feel guilty if they didn't know, and face condemnation if they did. So if that time came, I would...
"Please..."
Ha-min grabbed me with what seemed like sadness.
His trembling felt desperate, like holding onto someone who might disappear at any moment.
"Please..."
It was as if he was crying out, "Don't go."
As if he was telling me not to talk about dying anymore.
Unfortunately, I wasn't cut out to be a hero.
Selfishly, before saving anyone else, I wanted to run away from the pain I would have to endure, the trauma that would be carved anew, and the condemnation I would face just for being alive.
I wasn't trying to take responsibility—I couldn't even handle it. I was just trying to escape.
But Ha-min was telling me not to run away.
"Please don't say that to me..."