"Next!" I called, rubbing the bridge of my nose.
Three hours.
Three hours since Grove 77 was… anointed, for lack of a better word. And rather than deal with something easy, like Marine infiltrators or some kind of legal challenge, I'd spent the entire time handling logistics. Medical care for a thousand and one ailments, with a shortage of doctors and supplies. Fresh water was the biggest problem, as it was something none of the Ryugu troops had ever needed to consider. Thank goodness the whole 'no blood-sharing' law meant they'd at least had enough stores of human blood ready to go. And then there was the housing…
Not all of the problems had been completely solved, but with Soundbite going Wiki-diving and some help from the pirate quartermasters passing through, the Ryugu troops and I had managed to at least start addressing them. Hopefully, that would hold until permanent facilities could be constructed.
Just one more fire left to put out. Just. One. More. It was the mantra that had kept me sane. And as the last man—a ragged refugee this time—stepped forward, it was all that kept an (admittedly brittle) smile on my face.
"Welcome, good sir," Prince Fukaboshi greeted, bowing slightly. "How may we assist you?"
The refugee winced and shuffled back and forth on his feet, rubbing at the still-wet bandages on his wrists where the shackles had held him. Even Soundbite kept silent, letting him find the words.
"B-Beggin' your pardon, sirs, but it's been a few hours, and quite a few of us, especially the younger ones, need to… y'know…" The man reached behind him and mimed wiping his ass.
I groaned and transitioned to massaging my face. "Ugggh… if this sounds stupid, then blame the stress-migraine, and said migraine is not your fault, so don't worry, but… can't they just do it in the sea?"
"Cross, we have thousands of people here," Fukaboshi chided. "With how slow the inter-grove current is in the archipelago, it's going to foul up fast." He sighed. "And unfortunately, I'm not going to be much help here. Fishman Island has a permanent system involving sand filters and adapted plankton, and that's not something you set up quickly. Or above sea-level, for that matter."
I didn't respond, on account of being a bit busy trying to keep my stomach settled at the thought of the sewage of thousands accumulating in the span of a few minutes. Oh, hell, if we didn't clean this mess up fast, literally—! "Soundbite…?" I prompted, hopefully keeping the gurgle out of my voice.
"Dig down toTHE PEAT LAYER—guh, right, tree roots, make that… ten, fifteen—? Yeah, fifteen—dig down fifteen feet AND THEN BURY IT," the snail answered. "WE'LL HAVE TO keep digging holes, AND WE NEED ABOUT ALL THE CHAMBER POTS WE CAN GET OUR HANDS ON, but it'll do UNTIL WE GET SOMETHING more permanent."
The smile on Fukaboshi's face was distinctly predatory. "Excellent. Commander Neleus will be happy to have his troops do something when they're off-duty." He schooled his features and nodded to the refugee. "I'll set my men to work on the first pit right now."
The refugee nodded back before freezing and turning shifty again. "Ehhh… see, the thing is, some of the young ones might not've been able to wait and…"
Fukaboshi's brows made a beeline for the back of his head, while I stood, smile more brittle than ever. Reaching out, I clapped a hand on the merman's shoulder.
"Well, it seems you've got things under control, Prince," I declared 'confidently.' "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go check up on the crews. 'Kay, thanks, bye."
"YOU CAN DO THAT RIGHT HERE!" Fukaboshi yelled at my now rapidly retreating—well, kinda rapid, damn leg was asleep—back.
"Sorry—krsch! Bad conne—krsch! —all back later!"
"YOU ARE LITERALLY THE LAST PERSON THAT APPLIES TO, GET BACK HERE—!"
-o-
"—and he's gone…" Fukaboshi groaned, a good ten seconds away from slamming his trident over his head. "Oceans protect me. I didn't think it was possible, but he's even more annoying in person. Now, how in the hell do I deal with this before someone gets—?"
"Use it to start a garden."
Fukaboshi damn near leapt out of his bubble tube at the sudden and bizarre interjection. "WHA—!? P-Princess Nefertari?" he exclaimed, both at the fellow royal's sudden appearance and her suggestion. "What are you—?"
"Suggesting a productive use for the… waste situation," Vivi replied. "While it won't ever smell nice, properly handled, that much excrement could be used as fertilizer to kickstart a garden, a rather sizeable one. From there, you can start planting edible crops. A refugee camp this size will almost certainly run into food shortages at some point, so having an organic food supply will be an invaluable resource."
The stunned merman took a second to process that before both nodding and grimacing in agreement. "A… necessary arrangement. Thank you, Princess." One eyebrow rose up. "Though you're… surprisingly knowledgeable about this."
"In case you missed it, I'm one of the most selfless royals in this generation, and the heir to a kingdom that just got off a multi-year civil war," Vivi blithely replied. "Did you really think I wouldn't know everything, and I mean absolutely everything, about setting up a refugee camp?"
"And you haven't been helping?!" Fukaboshi demanded.
"Oh, I have, I have! Rest assured, I've corrected any mistakes you two have made while your orders were en route," Vivi replied, before smirking cheekily. "I just wanted to see you and Cross squirm for a bit, is all. Cross because he's an ass, and you…" She shrugged, the cheeky smile not moving a millimetre. "Well, you're the new royal on the block, and I just know everyone else would give me hell if I didn't haze you a bit on your first day on the political stage. Nothing personal, kaaaay?"
Fukaboshi opened his mouth and raised a finger, then closed it and lowered it, before finally rubbing the back of his head.
"It's sad that I can't argue with that…"
"Yes, yes, it is." Still smiling that damn smile, she patted her larger counterpart on the shoulder. "And now that you've acknowledged that fact, we can get things underway properly, alright?"
"…no more hazing?" he warily asked.
"Well, Prince Geovana has a fraternity paddle he is inordinately attached to, but otherwise, yes. Now then!" Princess Nefertari Vivi clapped her hands and donned a massive grin that would have been more appropriate on her captain. "Allow me to start this off with one word you're going to hate yourself for missing: delegation!"
"…MOTHERFU—!"
-o-
"Did you hear something?" I asked my oddly silent partner. Which, in itself, was worrying. "I mean, I know you can hear everything, but did you hear something just now—ugh, you know what I mean!"
"NOPE!" Soundbite whistled, looking straight ahead with a big shit-eating grin and an insultingly Southern accent. "NOT. A. THANG."
"…for the sake of my sanity, I choose to accept that."
"And yet, you still choose to ignore any forms of common sense. Quite the double standard you have going, isn't it?"
"Eh?" I blinked in surprise as Robin suddenly glided up beside me, giving me a teasing look. "The heck are you talking about?"
"Allow me to answer your question with a question: Is it wrong of me to think that there was ever a chance of you not compromising your good faith with someone to whom you showed total respect only a few hours ago, Cross?" Robin politely hid a chuckle behind her fist. "Over a rather harmless matter, of course, but still."
Now, see, that comment got a flat look from me. "To this, my dearest of friends, I respond with a question of my own: how long have you known me?"
Robin took a moment to consider that before shrugging. "Point." She then smiled again. "Well, now that my part in this is done, I'm going to go find the local library. With such a crossroads of cultures and people, I can only imagine the diversity of the books they must have available. Care to join me?"
I honestly considered the options this time, but, well…
I shrugged my shoulders with a despairing sigh. "I'd love nothing more, Robin, truly I would, but I'm the main communications hub for us here. Either I do my job, or everyone dissolves into… well…"
"An absolute cavalcade of fuck-ups?" Soundbite 'delicately' suggested.
"In so many words, yeah. But hey, do keep me posted if you find anything interesting, alright?"
"Yes, yes, I shall put together as entertaining a blooper reel of history's best and worst moments as I can manage," Robin hummed as she walked off, waving goodbye over her shoulder. "Just promise you won't cause too much damage while I'm not around to watch, will you?"
"I promise nothing!" I swore, drawing a fresh round of chuckles from both of us.
The exchange, having brightened my mood, was with a chipper smile that I had Soundbite call the Supernovas, one by one. Surprisingly (or not, given the specific subjects in question), some had decided to call it a day with the game of whack-a-slaver and go on a roller coaster ride.
"After all, a man of the cloth such as myself should limit the earthly riches one collects!" Urouge grandiosely declared.
"Apapapa! That's not what you said when we were looking for that one guy's treasure stash! Hey, Luffy, remind me, what did he say?"
"Uh… something like 'Bitch better have my money'?"
Urouge's smile abruptly became somewhat… strained. "Y-Yes, well, a man of the cloth still needs to eat, and coasters aren't cheap… OH LOOK, LUFFY! THEY'RE SELLING LAMB SHANKS OVER THERE!"
"GIMME!"
"Oh dear, looks like Straw Hat is causing a scene, have to run, bye!"
"Subtle."
"LAST THING I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU, IVORY-TEETH!"
Most of them, naturally, were still hunting slavers, flushing the last ones out of their hidey-holes and fleecing them for whatever they were worth… which, given the quality of said hidey-holes for them to have lasted them this long, was not inconsiderable.
"We're still watching the coasts," Bege reported. "You would not believe what we've been able to loot from the holds. And the ships themselves are going to fetch a pretty penny, too, once we get the bloodstains out."
"I never thought I'd see another bottle of ice peach wine again," Hawkins sighed contentedly. Perhaps a bit too contentedly.
"Hawkins, you're drooling."
"Am not!"
And some of them were just… doing other things.
"I'm hungry," was all Bonney said. That's not all I heard, though. I'm never going to be able to look at barbecued ribs the same way ever again. The slurping… and licking… I swear, it's like I can still—oh son of a—!
"Knock it off, that'll be haunting my nightmares as it is," I snapped, chopping Soundbite's shell for good measure.
"BUT WHAT IS LIFE WITH ME, if not a never-ending NIGHTMARE FOR YOU?" Soundbite asked with honest-to-goodness, wide-eyed innocence.
"I… don't know where to start with that…" I slowly admitted.
"Hey, Cross!"
"Hello, convenient change of subject!" I blurted out, before blinking and actually noticing who had called out to me.
I looked up to find Camie, in a bubble ring, frantically air-paddling herself forward. Most of her forward progress, though, came from Hachi, wearing his canon disguise and pushing Camie along. Pappug sat on her shoulder, and those two brought up the sullen rear. Surprisingly, besides covering up their own tattoos, they hadn't disguised themselves nearly as much as Hachi. Pretty much just high-collar shirts that covered their gills. Of course, Hachi also wasn't covering up his mouth, so they could probably get away with not covering up their more fishy parts.
"Hey Hachi, Camie, Pappug! What's up?" Curiously, that didn't provoke any reaction from the other two fishmen. Well, except to very obviously not look my way. Excellent… and I am never thinking that again, came way too close to cutting my fingers. "By the way, is there lettuce in my teeth or something?"
Blinking, the Takoyaki 8 trio slowly came to a stop, gracing me with befuddled expressions.
"No…" Camie drew out. "Why—?"
"Don't tell me I have a smudge of dirt on my nose."
"No. Cross, what are you—?"
"Ah!" I decided, slapping a fist into my palm. "Of course! They're so blinded by my radiance that—yow!"
"OKAY, THERE'S RIGHTFUL GLOATING, AND THEN THERE'S BEING A SORE WINNER, and this is coming from me. LOSE THE attitude, NARCISSUS," Soundbite said, letting my ear loose from his jaws.
"Okay, okay," I groused, rubbing my ear. "Spoilsport. Sorry, but seriously, where were we?"
For a moment, the Takoyaki trio were silent, and then a silent understanding to ignore that brief exchange passed between them. "I wanted to go see the amusement park! It's always been a dream of mine," Camie said.
"A dream of pretty much every fishman and mermaid out there," Hachi added, grinning like a loon. "But we wanted to be sure it was safe, so we were going to come find you and ask if it was clear."
Part of me thought that this was a terrible idea. A good house majority, even. I mean, come on, that was where Camie had been snatched in canon, after all, and all the hidden passageways, tunnels, blind corners and hidey-holes the Supernovas had uncovered when they'd hit the place—read, Luffy had pestered Apoo and Urouge into swinging by—commanded a sick sort of respect for how thorough the kidnapping gangs had been in taking the place over without actually taking it over.
…still, a resounding 'But…' echoed through my mind. On the other hand, Apoo, Urouge, and Luffy had swung by. And from what I'd heard, some idiot hadn't been near a snail in a few hours, and as such, thought it would be a good idea to pull a snatch-and-grab in broad daylight. By this point, whoever had been operating out of there recently had probably long since skedaddled or had their asses kicked. Also, probably even odds that half the rides were on fire, now that I think about it…
Only one way to find out! "Soundbite, connect me to Apoo again, please."
"ROGER ROGER."
Three rings later, Apoo picked up. "Y'ello?"
"Hey, Apoo, quick question. Have you guys finished cleaning up the amusement park yet?. And, er…" I winced and nervously scratched my cheek. "Left it standing in the process?"
"Apapapapa! We sure did! Luffy went on all the rides. He was great at flushing those assholes out, seeing as people don't really recognize him without the hat." The long arm's gaze suddenly sharpened. "Really loved the way realization hit them like a crowbar."
I blinked. That was quite a bit of venom for the usually easygoing Apoo. "SSSounds like you don't like them?"
"That's an understatement. They were sullying the ultimate scam with kidnapping! You just don't do that!"
I arched an eyebrow. "Oh, do elaborate," I replied, bemused… and honestly a bit morbidly curious.
"Have you seen the price of a cola here, Cross? The smalls alone are obscene! I love it!"
Well, I hadn't, but I had been to Cedar Point. Top Thrill Dragster, best rush I'd ever had before coming here to One Piece. And, well, some aspects of life have proved to be pretty universal between our two worlds, so…
"I understand completely," I swore with complete sincerity. "Anyway, that's all I needed to hear. Just calling because we have some VIPs…" I shot a scathing glance to the side. "And their plus ones…" And back to chipper. "That I'd rather stay unfucked with. The VIPs, not the plus ones—"
"WE GET IT, YOU DON'T LIKE US!"
"—And we will be addressing that later, preferably after I've had some more time to forget the unyielding rage I feel whenever I look at you two," I snapped, meeting the pair's incensed glares head-on. "Could be in a few hours, could be at the heat-death of the universe, I don't care. But anyway…" I refocused on Soundbite and Apoo. "If you could look out for Camie and Co. while they enjoy the rides, I'd really appreciate it, thanks!"
"No problem. Apoo out! KALICK!"
"You're good!" I said, grinning and giving a thumbs-up. I steadfastly ignored the sound of a crashing wave behind me, and the sudden urge to wink. And the electric guit—"I will chuck you into the fucking sea, do not test me on this, snail."
"No worries, immediate regret when your teeth started twinkling, NEVER AGAIN!" my partner swore, shivering.
"Er, but anyway," I said, pointedly ignoring the weird looks Camie and company were giving me. "Yeah, the park should be safe enough. Still try and be careful, but otherwise? Go on, have fun, and make history!"
"Oh, Cross, no need to worry about that!" Camie laughed, suddenly lunging forward and wrapping her arms around my neck. "I'm already the first mermaid to swim around on Sabaody without fear, and I witnessed the Liberation of Grove 77!"
I blinked in surprise. "Is that what they're calling it—?"
"They will when I get back down to the Mermaid Cafe and tell everyone about this!" Camie squee'd, squeezing her arms to the point of damn near suffocating me. "The point is, I don't need to make history because thanks to you, I've already lived it! So in case it hasn't already been said enough, thank you, thank you, thank you!"
And then she capped it off with a kiss to my cheek.
A cute—dare I say, hot—mermaid had just kissed my cheek. So. Yeah. That happened.
"Hm? Cross, are you—oh no!" Camie gasped, reeling back from me. "Guys, we need to get Cross to a doctor; he must be running a fever!"
"Guh," I breathed, before waving my hands to try and stop her. "No, nono, no need for that, I'm perfectly—!"
"But Cross! Your face!" Camie protested, with completely genuine concern at that. "It's so—!"
"Okay-have-fun-at-the-Park-buy-me-a-foam-finger-BYE!" I laughed semi-hysterically, bodily shoving her floating form into Hachi's arms and then shoving Hachi away at full force, capping it off with a hidden snarl at the octopus. "Get her out of here!"
"Ahaheh, let's get going, Camie!" Hachi chuckled nervously as he popped off at a hasty clip. "Places to be, rides to ride, anarchists to not piss off—!"
"But Hachi! He's so red! Shouldn't we—Pappug, aren't you coming?"
In spite of myself, I turned back to find the starfish designer conspicuously apart from his fellow employees, shaking his head and waving his arm in denial and farewell, respectively.
"Sorry, Camie. I'll try to catch up with you later, but I've got some business to take care of with Captain Dugong. Why…" He struck a pose so the sunlight glinted off his glasses. "I'd say it could even rival some of Cross's plans. Why, perhaps even this plan!"
"…do we ask, or do we not?" I posed to my partner, conspicuously tilting my head his way.
"Depends," Soundbite replied back just as 'subtly'. "You got ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?"
I took a moment to 'think it over' before shrugging indifferently. "Yeah, now that I think about it, I suppose I do."
"Probably for the best. WE BOTH KNOW IT'D JUST BESOMETHING INANE ANYWAY."
"So true, so true," I concurred, turning around and wandering away in as casual a manner as I could manage.
"JERKS! YOU'RE BOTH A PAIR OF JERKS!"
"And proud of it!" we sang back in concert.
I wandered aimlessly for a bit until I was out of our aquatic compatriots' lines of sight before snapping a sidelong glare at my partner in shell. "Breathe a word of what happened earlier, and you'll make an intimate contribution to our food supplies."
Soundbite made to respond, wearing an expression that just guaranteed a renewal of my chronic urges to throttle him, but before he could…
"So, that's all that it takes to stop the mighty Jeremiah Cross in his tracks, is it? One kiss on the cheek? Pathetic."
The voice that I heard tickled my mind, just on the edge of familiarity, and it was a very wary Voice of Anarchy that turned around.
The figure that met my eyes was… distinct. I mean, you don't usually meet a man wearing a gas mask over his face with glinting orange lenses, straps taut against a bald chromedome, and a strap-laden jumpsuit that seemed to be made of skintight leather that… was actually pretty conservative, for its kind of attire.
And it was precisely because of this distinct attire that, even though I'd never met this man before—!
"You're thinking I look very familiar, don't you?"
I started at the staticky, scratchy voice that came out of the man's mask as if from an old-school radio, both because the voice surprised me, and because that line made things click in my head and holy shit, seriously!? "And if I do, and if I suspect I might know your name as well?" I asked slowly.
"Then I'd advise you not to say a word," the man growled with his crackling voice, raising his finger in front of the mask's filter. "My presence here is highly classified. So if you tell anyone, I'll be coming for you. And if you even think about it—"
"PSYCHIC, RIGHT, we get it," Soundbite audibly gulped. Guess even he could be cowed now and again.
The masked man tilted his head at us before raising his hands and cracking his knuckles. It… actually wasn't that threatening, it just seemed to be a habit for him. "Indeed. My clairvoyance is utterly unmatched… though some things yet elude me… tell me." He shifted his head back upright with an audible CRACK. "What are these 'video games' that dwell so deep in your psyche… and what relation do they have with me?"
That chilled me damn well, I can tell you, and played no small part in my decision to end this conversation right fast. Though with my usual snark, of course. As such, I snapped one hand to my brow and held out my other towards the man's face. "And with my own gift, I'm seeing, I'm seeing…" I grinned and snapped my fingers. "You want a picture and an autograph!"
That stiffened him up but good… with even more crackling from his bones, seriously, just how stiff was this guy!? "What, how—? Wait, so are you actually—?"
I chuckled and waved my hand dismissively. "Nah, it's just that it's… been that kind of day. Anyway, your third eye tells you to bring a Dial or what?"
A staticky scoff was accompanied by a Vision Dial dug out from somewhere behind his back. "Less third eye, more common sense. Now, let's make this fast. I'm doing this for a friend. Personally, I find you annoying."
"Oh, how my heart bleeds," I chuckled sardonically, sidling up alongside the man and flashing a quick peace sign at the camera before taking the swiftly developed photo and signing it. "Well, there you have it. Hope your friend likes it!"
"I'm confident," he answered dryly as he turned away and shuffled off, leather and bones creaking all the way. "That he will find it to be most… amusing, yes. And who knows…"
He turned his head my way with a final CRACK!, the light on his mask shifting in just such a way that I could glimpse a damn maddened eye beneath the orange lens.
"Maybe you'll come to appreciate the humour of all this in time, too. Heheheheeeeh…"
And with that… lovely little tidbit, he wandered off and was soon swallowed up by the crowd, though his demented laugh hung around for a good bit longer, and not via any help from Soundbite.
Speaking of which… "…Soundbite?"
"ANY MORE METAL GEAR TRESPASSERS, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW," the snail shrilly assured me.
"Same with any other expies in general, please," I groused, massaging my face to ease the tension. "With any luck, the Rule of Three means that'll be the last, but I wasn't kidding when I said it's been one of those days."
"We need thirty C.C's of HUMOR INJECTED INTO THIS SHITSHOW, stat!" Soundbite proclaimed.
"Hey, Cross!"
"I WAS FUCKING KIDDING!" Soundbite yelped as Conis approached.
The angel paused, blinking. "Oh, I'm sorry, am I interrupting something? I can try asking someone else."
"Ah, no, no, it's perfectly fine," I hastily replied, waving off her concerns. "You just came at a strange time, that's all. What's up, Conis?"
"Well, it's just that something a bit strange has come up that I wanted to check with you," she explained. "Keeping track of the whole crew has been kind of tricky, even with Soundbite's help, but I thought that I had everyone nailed down. Except…" The angel scratched her head sheepishly before continuing. "…a report just came in of someone on our crew who took down a Marine Captain in Grove 66. Which would be…"
I blinked in surprise as I finished her thought. "Where the Marine Base is, as in where nobody on the crew should be?"
"You see why I'm confused, and before you ask, I've already ruled out Zoro getting lost, thanks to Su volunteering to act as his personal compass, or the Dugongs getting into trouble because I just passed Boss training their shells off them," Conis said. "So, either I've missed someone—"
"NIX, I count a full house, INCLUDING ALL OF OUR ACES AND JOKERS."
"—or we have an impostor running around that we may have to deal with."
"…huh," I muttered, cradling my chin in thought. "That's not right, the impostors don't show up until after the T.S."
"DON QUOI?" Soundbite sputtered, an action which Conis mirrored.
"And even then, a Marine Captain would be too much for them, much less a Base, so who—?" I froze as the facts all lined up and hit me with a clue-by-four. "Oh." I looked back at Conis. "Can you remember any other pertinent details about that attack?"
"Uh, let me see," Conis said, taking out a notepad. One that was actually quite full, impressive.
"From what I heard, it was a surprise attack against a Captain who was part of the reinforcements that were on their way to the base. Didn't get his name, but a turban and a veil are a pretty distinctive look. Our alleged crewmate used a surprise attack and almost literally tore him a new one with a cutlass. But as I said, I've ruled out our swordsmen already."
I chuckled a bit at my suspicions getting confirmed. "And how exactly was this person identified as a Straw Hat?"
Conis shrugged. "Oh, she was wearing a tricolour patch that had our Jolly Roger on it…" She paused as she mulled that sentence over, and then slapped a hand to her face. "Which… none of our crewmates would ever wear because we don't advertise our allegiance frivolously and I should have realized in the first place, damn it…"
"Eh, don't beat yourself up too hard," I said, giving her a reassuring pat on the back. "Sometimes we miss the most obvious things right in front of us. And it's not like this is really that serious. Don't worry, I'll take care of this, you just go back to keeping everyone safe, alright?"
That earned me a look of surprise. "So… wait, you know who that was? Was it someone important, or—?"
"Mmm… nah, not really important," I snickered to myself. "Just a wayward Cabin Girl is all."
-o-
"Puru puru puru puru! Puru puru—KA-LICK!"
"Hey, Pisces—"
"Hel-lo, dear boy. You've reached the Bad, Bad Bathhouse. This is Kanji speaking. What can I do for you tonight?"
"…" the Transponder Snail that had just been answered froze in place, its face a mask of befuddlement.
"Uh… Ophiucus?" Tashigi piped up a moment later, shoving her snickering subordinate aside. "You alright there?"
"N-Nothing… just, nostalgia," one of the infamous Voices of Anarchy coughed a second later.
"If you say 'I am thou, thou art I'… though, I GUESS I COULD GO FOR BEING IZANAGI…" the other Voice muttered.
"…Anyway," Tashigi drew out. "Did you call me for a reason, or—?"
"Ah, right, right," Cross nodded, before his expression sobered up, which prompted Tashigi to stand up a little straighter. "You see, Pisces, it's the darndest thing. We here on Grove 77 just heard tell of one of our crewmates cutting down a Marine Captain when none of our crew were anywhere close to where he was. Think you can fill in a blank or two?"
The Marine Lieutenant coughed into her fist, suddenly unwilling to meet the snail's accusatory gaze. "And if I could fill in those blanks?"
The snail's expression fell dead flat. "…Pisces, as the Warden of the Masons, it is my duty to point out that that was a stupid stunt you pulled, one which ran the risk of providing the Marines with the thread needed to unravel us, all with little to no payoff to show for it."
The nonplussed Navy officer gave no response as she resecured her uniform, the re-removed pirate outfit crammed in a rucksack that would be tossed into the chain pit before the day was out, suddenly feeling like it was loaded down with cannonballs.
That weight suddenly vanished, however, when Cross re-donned his typical vindictive smirk; surprisingly, a smirk that wasn't directed at her (for once). "…but as your friend? I'm honorbound to check and make sure that you gave him one from me."
"Hmph," Tashigi chuckled weakly, wiping away the sheen of cold sweat that had sprung up on her brow. "Honestly, this was just the cherry on top for the justice I've carried out today. Really, I know that didn't do much, with the state I left him in, he'll be back on his feet in a week or two, but damn did it feel good." She gave her onlooking companion a wry grin as well. "Also, it helps that Popora futzed with his head a little bit so that he'll be waking up in a cold sweat for months over this."
"Pffhahahahaha! Alright, alright, enough! I'm supposed to be righteously mad at you, remember!? I can only approve so much!" Cross chortled eagerly. "Just make sure you get permission next time you wear our flag, neh? Honestly, with how much you're masquerading as one of us, maybe we should just go ahead and make it offi—?"
"Goodbye, Cross," Tashigi bit out as politely as she could manage, forcefully hanging up her snail.
-o-
Cross had already achieved his endgame, but though the pirates had ravaged much of the archipelago, much more still remained. For those who were still out for blood, berries, or prisoners with potential, plenty of slave houses remained to pillage.
Though that number was rapidly shrinking as mixed Supernova groups went after them one-by-one. With the sanctuary established and any chance of retaliation gone, most of the crews had leapt right back into the fray.
Meanwhile, the assorted criminals made new acquaintances.
"It's not surprising that a Warlord of the Seas doesn't really respect the World Government, or that her family shares in that contempt," Drake mused, looking over the latest batch of tenderized kidnappers, before giving her a wry glance. "But disguises aside, don't you think that this is pushing your luck?"
"You wanna talk about pushing your luck?" Sandersonia hissed back, shooting the pirate captain a sidelong glare from under the hood of the cloak she was using to conceal her identity. "Try the fact that I'm sssssticking with a clossssset pervert like you."
Drake snarled at Sandersonia—both figuratively with his tone, and literally with his suddenly all-canine jaws. "I am not a pervert! My Zoan side is just reacting to yours! I am innocent!"
"Ssssso you sssssay," Sandersonia sneered, pointedly hissing her tongue out at him.
Drake's pupils elongated into slits, and a deep rumble built in his chest—
THWACK! "YIPE!"
—before Sandersonia's tail caught him clean across his muzzle, the 'rookie' pirate was cursing vehemently and rubbing the abused spot. "You did that one on purpose, you skank!"
"You mispronounced 'snake'… and maybe," the Kuja snickered to herself as she slithered down the street, Drake jogging to catch up. "In my defence, you make it a tad too easy."
"Yeah, well—!" Before his reply was halfway out of his mouth, both Drake and Sandersonia's jaws snapped shut, their demeanours sobering at a by-now scarce sound on the archipelago: the sound of rattling chains.
Drake jabbed two fingers down a nearby alley, and Sandersonia gave him a terse nod before shooting into the dark. Meanwhile, the captain accelerated his pace and rushed down the street, honing in on the tell-tale jangling scraping at his eardrums.
Finally, he rounded a corner and put on a full ton of muscle from one step to the next, unleashing an ear-splitting roar that froze the gun-toting guards and their chained captives in place. That, and the fact that their route was suddenly blocked off by a snake-woman of sizeable proportions, letting out a snarling hiss all her own.
Their prey halted, Drake's glare zeroed in on the hefty man at the front. "Drop the keys and run, fat boy," he rumbled out. "I'm feeling generous."
"Or don't and give me a reason, because I'm not," Sandersonia snapped, emphasizing her words with a firm, wall-shattering lash of her tail.
The fat trader stammered and snapped his gaze back and forth between the menacing reptiles.
SLAM!
And jumped as the serpentine one slammed one of his men into unconsciousness, hissing in a clear show of impatience.
"Th-This isn't what it looks like!" the rotund idiot stammered. "This is j-j-just for appearances' s-sake, they're bound for Grove 77! C-Come on, think about it! Not all of us civilians are a-a-as puissant as you pirates are! Were they not still in chains, then we would all be at risk of being preyed upon! T-The slavers have become desperate, you know!"
"Indeed, desperate enough to dare something so foolish as move their stock in broad daylight," Sonia scoffed. "You'd be intimately familiar with that sort of cowardice, wouldn't you?"
"I-I don't—!"
"Also, funny thing," Drake mused offhandedly to himself, shrinking down to his demi-form so that he could trail a claw over his axe. "Because the bridge from the 10s to the 70s is to the west of here. But this road heads south…" He loosed a rumbling growl over a cascade of sparks. "Toward the single-digit groves."
The Idiot could do nothing but sputter with absolute fear until all resistance left his limbs, dropping him on his ass. The pirates took this as their signal that he was quite done, and so started to advance on the group—
"YOU WERE TAKING ME TO THE AUCTION HOUSE!?"
Whereupon an indignant screech stopped the pirate pair in their tracks, and drew their attention to the lead slave in the procession: a blue-haired girl with a golden headpiece. She wore a rather revealing top, leaving her stomach bare, giving her the appearance of an exotic dancer.
However, what currently impressed the Supernova and his begrudging companion was the sheer variety of curse words the dancer was spitting into the round jackass's rapidly paling face.
"…I haven't heard some of these since the last time a Germa fleet passed through the North Blue," Drake muttered.
"If I wasn't sure about just how much Soundbite knew, I'd think he'd got about half his vocabulary from her," Sonia grunted in return. However, as the dancer's invective started to grow more bloodthirsty and her hands inched toward the slaver's throat, she bit out a sharp curse and slithered up the girl's side and put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, hey, enough! Look, as much as we all want this bastard's blood, we need his keys first so we can skip digging through the fat folds of his corpse. Just step back, and let us… perssssssssuade him." The last sentence was hissed pointedly at the trader.
The sound of grinding teeth drifted out from the woman's jaws, and for a moment, it looked like she was going to argue with the reptile-woman ten times her size before she reluctantly stepped back. "…fine, fine. I'll just… graaah, damn it, damn it, damn it…"
With that handled, the Zoan turned back to the trembling slaver, slowly spreading a grin over her face as she drew herself up to her fullest height. "Now… let's see about—" She was cut off by something bouncing off her torso with a clink of metal on metal.
"THERE'S THE KEYS, THERE'S THE KEYS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE'S THE KEYS! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU DAMN MONSTERS! YOU'VE ALREADY TAKEN EVERYTHING ELSE FROM ME, JUST LET ME HAVE MY LIFE!" the slaver screamed as he scampered away. Or tried to, at any rate, before Drake slammed his axe down a scant inch from his nose and coughed quite loudly to punctuate his point. Said point is doing a very good job of freezing the quivering, pathetic lump in place.
Sandersonia blinked and then promptly shrank (relatively speaking) back to her human form with an aggravated sigh. "Well, that was simple. Hey, dancer girl!" The Kuja tossed her the keys offhandedly. "Uncuff the others, and we'll lead you to Grove 77. Just give me a second."
Before the very confused dancer could respond, Sandersonia turned to the whimpering slaver.
"…please don't hurt me too badly," he whined through his tears.
Sandersonia quickly plastered on a cheerful smile. "Sure!"
The slaver's eyes widened. "Truly!?"
The Kuja's expression plummeted back into an abyss of pure murder. "No."
That's when the screaming started.
When those present recounted the incident later, many swore they heard a strangely joyous ode. They would then go on to recount a strange, disembodied voice laughing its ass off out of the blue for no apparent reason.
Meanwhile, the dancer had finished unshackling the last of her fellow slaves, and Drake—not particularly eager to interfere with his compatriot's 'fun'—took it upon himself to address them all. "In case it wasn't clear or you haven't heard, you're all free to go, and the Sabaody slave market is officially closed for business. If you think you can get home safely, then get going. If you need help, the new embassy in Grove 77 will assist you. Just take the bridge—" He pointed westward. "In that direction. If you have any questions—" And that was as far as he got, with the freed captives bolting for freedom as soon as they saw the chance.
By now long used to this reaction, Drake turned back to watch the ensuing beatdown—
"Excuse me?"
—only to pause when someone, for the first time that day, actually did ask a question. And not just any someone, but the dancer from before, standing right where she'd been and giving Drake a cool look.
"When you said that Sabaody was 'closed for business', does that mean all the slave shops?" she asked. "Even the high-class 'employment offices' in the 70s groves?"
Drake cocked his brow at the woman's atypically blasé attitude. "The… last I heard, they were one and all on fire."
That's when the woman really threw Drake for a loop, snapping her fingers and scowling in honest disappointment with all things. "Damn it, this day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?" she muttered, kneading her brow in annoyance. "Now what am I supposed to do…"
SQUELCH! With a final grotesque sound, Sandersonia tore her attention away from the erstwhile slaver with an incredulous expression.
"Why is it, exactly, that you sound disappointed that we just saved you from being sold into a life of chains?" she hissed in indignation. The woman rocked back, unnerved, but answered with reasonable calm.
"Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that you two saved me, and the idea of being enslaved sounds about as appealing to me as it does to any other sane person!" the dancer assured them, and the pirates could tell she was sincere about that, too. "It's just that from what you're telling me, the way this island is changing means that my own reasons for coming here are rapidly becoming null and void."
The pirates exchanged dubious looks, and Drake took it upon himself to ask what they were both thinking: "Could you possibly explain what you mean, miss…?"
"Pascia, my name is Pascia," the woman sighed wearily. "And what I mean is that I came to Sabaody looking to make a decent amount of money in a relatively short amount of time through… morally dubious means, but most certainly not by compromising my freedom! Or, well…" She rubbed the back of her neck uncomfortably. "Not forever, anyway…"
While Sandersonia's confusion was only deepened, Drake's expression lightened with realization. "You're talking about indentured servitude, aren't you?"
"What-tured servitude?" the Kuja parroted.
"Indentured," Pascia elaborated. "I sign a contract with someone giving them a specified number of years of my labour and freedom, and then the man sells the contract to someone who needs a worker."
"Wait," Sandersonia hissed. "You mean you were planning to sell yourself into slavery? And don't give me any bull about contracts and shit, it's the same damn thing!"
"Not in the North Blue, it isn't," Drake cut in, looking a bit nostalgic. "It's not exactly a widespread practice, nor strictly legal, either, but it exists. The contracts are honoured, money exchanges hands—"
"And usually, it's handled alongside the more traditional slave trade, yes," Pascia sighed wearily. "For the record, my heart does go out to those unlawfully in chains like that, but I have my own mountain of woes to consider, so you'll have to forgive me if my well of sympathy runs a bit dry. I thought there would be more lucrative opportunities on an archipelago as… renowned as Sabaody, but…" She grimaced awkwardly. "I'll admit that I underestimated just how badly that swine was willing to compromise good business in favour of an immediate payday."
"The collar on your neck wasn't a good enough clue?" Sandersonia dryly remarked.
Pascia was admirably unfazed as she flatly gestured to her less-than-modest attire. "I wasn't exactly offering the most sophisticated of services, you know! And sue me, I was desperate! I needed as much money as possible as soon as possible! I still do, in fact!"
That struck a definite chord in Sandersonia, and as her long-faded scars throbbed and she considered what could drive someone to such extremes, her previously terse demeanour slowly gave way to sympathy. "Family?" she solemnly intoned.
Pascia's strength drained out of her in turn, and she nodded morosely, crossing her arms. "A royal household. One I've served proudly for years now, that's been able to hold their heads high the entire time… until recently." She snapped her head to the side with a venom-filled tsk. "Damn the Germa straight to hell. They demand tributes they have no rights to, absolutely none… and if we can't meet them, then they take it. In blood if need be."
The dancer's expression became one of determination, and she looked at the pirates with fire in her eyes. "The lord of the house took me in off the streets of the South Blue when I was just a girl, and he helped raise me into the woman I am today. Hell, I helped raise half of his kids in turn! Most of them are like family to me! So if it took my freedom to help preserve their life and pride?" She firmly slapped a hand to her chest. "Then yes, I would have gladly given it all up, so long as they actually got the damn money!"
Her bravado quickly died down, and she slumped in defeat. "But now… if even that option is closed, then I came here for nothing… And that would mean that my household is…"
"Well, now, I wouldn't say that…"
Pascia looked up in confusion at the 'idle' thought that Sandersonia had uttered, the Kuja innocently tapping a finger to her chin.
"I mean," she opined. "If you're fine with being morally dubious, I think there are still plenty of options left for you." So saying, Sandersonia turned her gaze on Drake and flashed him a toothy grin, fangs and all. Drake flinched, but remained defiant.
"I would not be caught dead with a concubine on my crew," he growled.
Not a second after that observation was made, Drake had to snap a hand up and catch a chop from Pascia on his wrist. Said chop was barely an inch from his neck, and the woman was now affixing him with a deadpan stare.
"In case I didn't get my point across, X Drake," she coolly informed him. "I was the only babysitter a gaggle of noble children had growing up. No turnover, and for a damn good reason."
For a moment, Drake impassively regarded her before casually flicking her hand away. "Rough, by Grand Line standards. Perhaps some room for improvement, but if that's all…"
At that, Pascia's face actually lit up. "I advertised my dancing skills because that's what sells, but my lord primarily had me double-checking his books and records. I was quite good at it, too!"
Drake didn't even hesitate before turning around and waving her to follow. "You'll have six hours to run a full inventory on the Liberal Hind once we reach it. If there's even one crate or beri out of place, go find yourself another ship."
The dancer clapped her hands with an honest-to-God squee as she beamed at the reptile-man's back. "I'll have it done in three, captain! That'll leave us plenty of time to work out my wage and for me to go out and acquire a less…" She looked down at herself and grimaced. "Uh… specialized wardrobe."
As the newly christened quartermaster—er, quartermistress trailed behind him, the following Kuja leaned in and raised a rather important question.
"You do know that he's a closet pervert, right?"
Drake stumbled and let out an incredulous squawk before spinning around. "For the last time, I am not—!"
"Yeah, I know, seen worse," Pascia replied, casually waving off Sandersonia.
Drake froze for a solid second or two before belting out a surprised "WHAT!?"
Sandersonia was right there with him, though her response was far more restrained by way of merely raising an eyebrow. "Huh. Pegged him that quickly?"
"Again, babysitter for noble children. I've seen my fair share of closet perverts." Pascia made a show of buffing her nails. "At least this one's just your typical hair-trigger. Certainly better than some fossils with things for palms I could name."
Sandersonia jerked in surprise. "Pal—no, no, that way lies madness," the Kuja groused.
"Wise choice. Wish I had some of that Chopper fellow's Brain Bleach when I found that out," Pascia shuddered, before her mood brightened with earnest curiosity. "Oh, but I imagine that one as impressive-looking as yourself has some war stories she could share, hm?"
Sandersonia's double-wide mouth split into a massive grin. "Oh, you have no idea! Let me tell you, I once met—well, I say met, he'd say robbed—a man with a whole collection of—!"
As the women continued to chatter behind his back, the Supernova, who had long since continued ahead of them with his shoulders raised defensively, slowly raised a palm to his face.
"I am regretting so many decisions I've made recently…" he groaned miserably.
-o-
[You know, funny thing: I wouldn't have considered this even a pipe dream a mere few days ago,] Pappug mused as he jogged (or his version of it at least, more a fast waddle for anyone with two proper legs) through the tent town that had been erected across Grove 77. [I was a starfish with an eye for fashion, living with the retired Right Hand of the Pirate King and his wife.] He tapped an arm thoughtfully against his face. [Then along came the Straw Hat Pirates.]
The starfish chuckled as his destination came into view.
[There they are. Ahoy now!] Pappug called, waving one of his arms to the Great Kung-Fu Fleet. [Permission to come aboard, please? I have a proposal I'd like to make!]
[Who's this?] A dugong called back down.
[Name's Pappug!] The starfish nodded its head in a way of greeting. [I'm a local around here, got dragged with the Straw Hats… not that that makes me any different from anyone else around here, but anyway! Mind if I talk to Captain for a bit?]
[Come aboard, Pappug. We know who you are, you're welcome here,] the same dugong called back.
[Thanks!] Pappug waddled his way onto the deck of one of the barnacle-encrusted ships and took note of a few dugongs lying around with some of the most bored expressions he'd ever seen on a living creature. A few were listlessly punching the air in some sort of lazy attempt at training, while others were just straight-up asleep.
[…wow, are you guys this crestfallen at being cockblocked from the fighting?] Pappug deadpanned.
[You would be too if your captain took half the crew with him to go bust some heads and you had to stay here and guard the damn ships,] another voice grumbled. Pappug turned to see that the voice belonged to a disgruntled dugong wearing a bandanna and a bandolier, viciously whittling away at a sharp-looking stake. [Damn lousy layabout Captain, offloading the boring jobs onto me… I mean, hey, I get it, someone needs to stay behind and provide protection, I respect that, best for the job and all that, but would it kill him to let us take shifts going out or something!?] The Dugong let out a snarl as he rammed the stake into the wood of the deck. [Well, it's sure going to when he gets back!]
Pappug gulped, inching back slightly. [Errr, if this is a bad time—?]
The dugong ground his teeth for a moment more before sighing and waving his flipper. [No, no, it's fine. I'm annoyed and going to give him hell later, but that doesn't concern you.] He held his flipper out to the starfish. [I'm First Mate Dugong. What can I do ya for you?]
Pappug shook the flipper and pumped. [Nice to meet you, First Mate. Allow me to get straight to the point: I've got an idea that rivals the demented plans that come out of Cross's head, and I was hoping to get your crew's input on it.]
The grip on Pappug's limb suddenly stiffened like the rest of First Mate, who had now started staring at him with a mixture of anticipation and dread, and the starfish could equally sense the rest of the once-lazing amphibians around him snapping out of their ennui to watch him very intently. […should I be worried?] The dugong said slowly.
[I'm a starfish with an eye for fashion, not a raving madman,] Pappug assured him. [Although I do admit that this is probably sticking a giant middle finger to the Government—]
[Oh, we're on board with that,] the dugong confirmed, immediately relaxing with a sigh of relief. [We'd just like to make it out with what remains of our sanity mostly intact.]
[A fair concern. But first…ah, First Mate—]
A round of chuckles rippled through his onlooking subordinates, and the dugong loosed a snarl and glared them all down. [THAT JOKE STOPPED BEING FUNNY A WEEK AFTER WE LEFT ALABASTA!] With the rest of the crew sufficiently cowed, First Mate turned back to Pappug. [Continue.]
[Er, right…] the starfish coughed before doing so. [So, to start: mind if I pose a question?]
The dugong raised an eyebrow. [Go ahead.]
Pappug cleared his throat (what little he had of one, anyway). [Us animals—or at least, most advanced animals, such as you or I—are all on par with humans in terms of intelligence. We can think, we can feel, and we can speak, much like they can, even if there is something of a language barrier most of the time,] Pappug declared. [So…why exactly are we considered lesser than them? Why do we not have our own culture? Why are we not as advanced as they are, living without technology? Most pressing of all… why have we not formed our own state?]
There was a pause as the sheer audacity of the sea creature's words sank in. First Mate's flipper slackened alongside his jaw, while his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.
[You…You do know what you're implying, yes?] First Mate asked. [You're… what, suggesting that we animals form a sovereign state!? T-that's—!]
[Unnatural? We animals already have our own methods of governance; hell, you're a part of your own species's hierarchy! We seek groups, we seek leaders, and we seek survival! And if the humans' way of surviving works for them, why can't we adapt it to ourselves as well? But really… even more than nature... ] Pappug slammed one of his arms into the other. [We should, we need to do this, if only for the respect!
[I had to bust my ass to learn the human language to even be considered a sapient being, and not a pest or potential snack. Even then, fashion was cutthroat in its own route,] Pappug growled. [I've had to exploit humans underestimating me on multiple occasions. And even though it's served me well, I'm fucking sick of it.]
The dugong started in shock at the sheer vehemence Pappug had just displayed, as said starfish displayed an almost unbelievably fierce expression for the second time in recent memory.
[I realize some don't see the point of this. They just want to live away from human conflict and stay in their own homes. You don't mess with me, I don't mess with you. Typical law of nature, and up until now that's been fine.] Pappug took a deep breath and straightened up. [But that's not how it works anymore.
[The day that the World Government became an entity, humans achieved worldwide domination. There is nowhere we can run anymore, because now they are everywhere. And as such, anything humans do affects us too. We can't afford to ignore that anymore; Sabaody taught me that. Taught us all that. I mean, they evacuate all the humans from a Buster Call, but what about the animals on them, hm!? When has, or when will humans ever give a damn about things like that?! I'll tell you: when we all actually give a damn and make them!
[And when would be the best time to do that, you ask? I'll tell you when: now. Now, when the Government is reeling from another kick in the teeth, and when animal respect is at an all-time high! This is a once-in-a-lifetime—no, a once-in-history opportunity for us, a chance for us to change the whole world! And I, for one, refuse to let this chance slip away!]
[Okay.]
[Now, look, I know it sounds ludicrous and infeasible—wait what.] Pappug's speech suffered a metaphorical needle scratch, the starfish boggling in open surprise at the dugong. [I-I-you—! T-That quickly? B-But the risks, your protests—I had an entire speech planned for this, dammit!]
[Yeah, I could tell, and honestly, you're gonna need it to convince the other races,] First Mate agreed. [But consider this…] The dugong slammed a flipper into his chestplate with an absolutely vicious smirk. [Just who the hell do you think we are?]
The fashion designer blinked owlishly, struck dumb by both the declaration and the raucous cheers of all the onlooking Dugongs. Sheepishly, he rubbed the back of his head. [Yeah, should have expected that. You Kung Fu Dugongs are always up for a good fight. Thanks anyway, First Mate. It'll be a long while before this idea even starts to get underway, much less gets an inch of traction, but as is, I'm glad to know that when I start it up for real, I'll have one undeniable ally in my corner, giving my words the weight they need. Good day to you, and tell Captain to contact me as soon as he can so that we can talk more!]
With that, Pappug turned and waddled away back onto shore, First Mate snapping a salute in his wake.
At first, the starfish headed for the Cannibal, intent on talking with their dragon next. However, as he walked, Pappug's mind idled slightly on said dragon's rather sharp teeth, and brought to mind some… less than appealing interactions with certain species he'd had over the years, which kindled new doubts in his heart (well, it was actually a water vascular system, but 'heart' was less of a mouthful). Those doubts didn't last long, however, as he remembered that he could get an immediate answer to his questions while he walked.
[Hey, Soundbite,] Pappug spoke into the air. [I realize that this is a stupid question, but I'm assuming you heard all of that, right?]
There was a long moment where Pappug had the sneaking suspicion he'd just spoken to absolutely nothing, fully expecting someone not to answer back, when finally his concerns for his mental health were appeased by a staticky crackle.
Still, there was yet another long pause until finally…
[…you realize you're insane, right?] Soundbite's voice—his actual, real voice—asked, numb with shock. [Seriously, this is me asking that, that should tell you just how insane this all is!]
[But am I wrong is the question,] Pappug retorted.
[Pft, please, that was never in question. I was just questioning your sanity.]
[I've spent the last year listening to your human and the last two weeks in close proximity to your crew. How sane do you think I am?] Pappug retorted.
[…well, that's me told. Anyway, seeing as I doubt you wanted to speak to me about what the weather's like around here—bubbly, by the way—!]
[I'm speaking to you because I need your expertise as a land-based animal,] Pappug huffed. [Since I've spent the majority of my life underwater, that's where my social circles tend to swim. As such, I'm asking for your opinion on the matter: are all animals as intelligent as humans? As you or I or the dugongs, that is to say? I remember talking to a few literally incoherent dumbasses, and more than a few carnivores that have tried to chow down on me haven't had enough brain-cells needed to do basic math with, so…?]
Pappug trailed off, waiting for the snail's response, which came a few moments later.
[It… honestly varies a bit,] Soundbite answered, sounding honestly and sincerely contemplative for once in his admittedly short life. [Typically from species to species, really. For example, the dugongs are all sapient. They have to be, to achieve their skill. But on the other hand, we've also got species that… are as slow as humans assume they are.] The stupidity-induced cringe was audible.
[Like, most R-strategists like other bugs tend to choose INT as their dump stat. Sometimes you'll get a mantis that can hold a conversation, and usually, bee queens are as sharp as they're sting-y, but most of the time, the swarm is smarter than any individual. And lemme tell ya, the swarm ain't that smart. And not just bugs either. This one time, we passed by a farm on an island we were staying on, and let me tell you, while pigs are reasonably intelligent, cows really don't have much to say, and sheep are dumb as a box of rocks… though like hell I'm saying that where Merry can hear me.]
A sigh echoed over the airwaves.
[But yeah, that's the gist of it: some species are naturally smarter than others, and even among the brainless there can be 'prodigies.' Does that help any?]
[Yes, yes, more than enough…] the starfish sighed in relief. [Just wanted to make sure that whatever comes to pass, it's actually relevant and not reserved to a few odd flashes in the evolutionary pan, so to speak.]
[Ohoh, not a chance, my friend. The prodigies are rare indeed, but when we animals are smart, we stay smart for a long time. And if the smarties were to all get together in one place and start pooling that smartness… well. Humans have their cities. Go out there and start laying the foundation for ours.]
It was thanks to those parting words that Pappug wore a good, proud grin as he quickened his pace, eager to reach his next destination.
-o-
Truthfully, I wouldn't have minded getting in on Soundbite's fun, whatever it was he was snickering at at the moment, but unfortunately, that option wasn't quite open to me at the moment. Specifically, as Soundbite got back to paying attention to me, he finally noticed that I was busy talking through another Transponder Snail.
"—way you can just make a distraction and GTFO?" I hissed, gnawing furiously on my thumb.
"We're still in this building and calling you for help because, for whatever reason, THIS is the one and only hellhole on this scumhole without a bolthole! Does that answer your question?!"
I sighed explosively. "Yeah, yeah, sue me for trying for the flawless streak… Hold tight and stall like hell, I'm on my way."
The other snail disconnected at once, and I spared a moment to stare at Soundbite. No matter how much I wanted to distance myself—and us in general—from this shitshow, it was best to be on hand just in case. Still, speaking of said shitshow we were in—!
"…Partner…" I huffed acridly, shooting a caustic glare at my suddenly sheepish snail. "I do realize that I'm asking a lot of you to keep so many reports on this island straight. But I could have sworn that I told you to make them priority one!"
Soundbite gulped, sweat coating his already slimy body as he undoubtedly caught himself up on the situation at hand, his expression rapidly becoming more horrified by the second. "My defence? A few too many escapees having PANIC ATTACKS THAT NEEDED IMMEDIATE REINFORCEMENT COMBO'D WITH A MATTER OF… PERSONAL IMPORT."
I grumbled under my breath, weighing the priorities. Ultimately, I just shook my head in despair and accelerated my pace. "…fine. We'll handle this mess ourselves."
The way Soundbite suddenly looked stricken would have been pretty funny in literally any other circumstances. "YOU'D THINK BY NOW I'D BE USED TO your determination to get us both killed. WHY IN THE NAME OF DAVY JONES'S BARNACLE-SCARRED ASS DO YOU—meaning we—HAVE TO DO THIS BY YOUR/OURSELVES?"
"Because knowing our luck," I snarled, more to myself than to him, really. "Is there anyone else—on the crew or otherwise—that's discreet to not get us all killed and is not indisposed?"
"Uhhhh…" Soundbite hedged, sweating intensifying as he tried to find one. "VIVI'S BUSY WITH THE EMBASSY, and Sanji's still preserving that IMMACULATE soup kitchen… dangit, I TOLD THOSE BLUBBERHEADS TO KEEP ONE OF THEM close to the surface… couldn't trust USOPP to keep his cool up close…"
And so it went, each name ticked off, tearing down a little more of my hope, too. But by the time I reached the place of significance, the only one who wasn't too busy or too far away to help was Robin, and while having her as backup was very reassuring, I still didn't fancy getting this close to the biggest risk on this island. Alas, it seems that starting a revolution on a massive island has made things a little… hectic.
"They found how many drug lords?!" I hissed incredulously, actually pausing my slow creeping through the shadows of an alley just a street away from my target to boggle at Soundbite.
"ALL OF THEM. THEY FOUND ALL OF THEM…" Soundbite moaned, rubbing between his eyestalks with one of his eyes in lieu of the nose he didn't have. "NAMI WAS RUNNING DOWN SOME SCUZBAGS WHO WERE BOLTING WITH A HEFTY AMOUNT OF GOLD, found the hidden cove all the dealers were gathering in as they prepared to bolt, AND THEN CALLED FOR REINFORCEMENTS WHEN THEY OPENED FIRE. A fantastic windfall, coming at the worst possible time. BOTTOM LINE, WE'RE ON OUR OWN."
"Or, well, as alone as you ever are when I'm around," Robin assured me, though she, too, sounded concerned. "But even then, my own involvement will have to be circumspect in nature, at best. After all…"
"Yeah, I know, I know…" I groused, leaning out to properly eyeball the location I'd closed in on: a slaveshop that several of our allies had successfully raided and ransacked…
And the knights wearing conical helmets standing guard outside said, Slaveshop.
"They're praying for an excuse at this point. If we touch so much as hair on that bastard's head…" I snarled out under my breath. "Then the response will make the Buster Call they brought down on Enies Lobby look like a damned fireworks show in comparison." I shook my head and gestured at the building. "OK, I'm here. Now, I think I must have missed something, so could you explain how the fucking hell this happened in the first place!?"
"Time and priorities, Cross, I'm at the end of my rope!" a voice—Shuraiya's, from Kid's crew, I'm pretty sure—hissed out, sounding like he was deliberately lowering his voice.
"Yeah, fine, priority one: what in the holy hell am I sticking my neck into, huh?!"
"I-I can try and explain, Shuraiya, you just keep stalling!"
I blinked in surprise at the second voice that spoke up. "Bepo? Oh great, just what we need in this situation: someone unique and interesting. Alright, lay it on me, and make it quick."
"Not much to say, really, for better or for worse, this all happened fast. One second, Shuraiya and I and a few mooks were doing what we've been doing all day, pounding the stuffing out of a slaver who managed to slip the dragnet…" The bear let out a rumbling moan of despair. "The next, one of our lookouts has just enough time to tell us that a World Noble showed up out of nowhere before getting shot in the head! And just our luck, he beelined straight for the store we were hitting, while we were still inside it!"
"And of ALL choices, you went for the BAVARIAN FIRE DRILL!?"
"I-I don't know what that is. We just panicked, okay?!"
"And to be clear," I pressed. "What, exactly, is the reason that your asses haven't been stuffed full of lead yet!?"
"W-Well, see, the thing is, we thought we could avoid him by hiding in the backroom, make it look like nobody was here, right?" Bepo quickly explained. "But he came in at the last minute, when Shuraiya and a few other guys were still in the front. And, well, one lie led to another and—!"
"Don't worry, your holiness, it won't be much longer now, I assure you!" Shuraiya's voice suddenly cut in, Soundbite's expression contorting into a tight and twitching smile. "The length of time it takes to bring out our stock is lengthy, true, but that's only because of the sheer number of countermeasures we have set up to ensure that our stock has no chance of escape, be it now or after your purchase! After all…" Shuraiya's expression tightened even further, looking like he was a second away from hurling. "Our top priority… is the satisfaction of all our patrons! Especially ones so… incomparable as yourself."
I slammed my palm against my face with a tortured groan. "Yeah, that would track, wouldn't it?" But just as fast, I shook my head and forced a tone of calm into my voice. "Alright, alright, let's all keep our heads, so that you all keep your heads. I might have an idea on how to get you out, but first I need to know: can you tell me which stuck-up self-proclaimed god is in there with—?"
KA-BLAM!
I snarled out a muffled curse and ducked as one of the store's windows was suddenly blown out. "—Charloss, got it! Because that's just what we needed right now! Sssonnuva—!" I took a second to downgrade my heart rate from 'jackhammer' to merely 'pounding' before I started speaking again. "Okay, so worst-case scenario. Makes things easier in some ways because his inbred ass is as dumb as rocks, but harder because, as you just saw, his trigger finger might as well have chickenpox. Not even mentioning the sheer casual collateral damage he—crap!" I hissed and shot a panicked look at Soundbite. "Tell me you've evacuated everyone around here, because if anyone catches his eye for any reason—!"
"WAS DOING THAT ANYWAY, my only hang-ups have been when these pricks went OUT OF MY RANGE," my partner assured me. "We're in a ghost town, THOUGH THERE WAS A DAMN NEAR MISS WITH THIS DOCTOR AND A NURSE WHO WOULDN'T TAKE A HINT."
"Guh…" I tugged at my collar as I contemplated that near miss. Okay, so it was just us out here. If we could just get him out of that damn store, then Shuraiya and Bepo and everyone else could de-ass from the place before he could get back. Oh, if only we had someone nearby who excelled at the art of pissing people off!
I slapped myself upside my own head as I realized, oh right, that's lucky me. Now, what's simple enough even a child could understand, and mean enough to piss him off? Or at least, garner his undivided attention!?
…
My face fell into a miserable grimace as I realized the perfect, if not only, answer to this problem. I knew I was going to regret this, but it wasn't like I was spoiled for options, either. Even if I was going to have to gargle acid afterwards to get the bad taste out of my mouth.
As such, I rolled my fingers to signal for a Gastro-Amp, took a deep breath, and then shouted at the top of my lungs—
"HEY, LOOK! A MERMAID!"
The next minute or so was a bit of a blur. I was busy retching at the mental images that drew up; I felt more than saw or heard Charloss thunder out of the store like a pissed-off walrus, only with twice the stink and half the direct lethality. Thankfully, I couldn't quite hear whatever the hell he was saying, and I didn't intend to stick around to hear it, either!
I kept my place until Soundbite signalled Shuraiya's group to act, which was started off by Shuraiya letting loose a—muted—battlecry and, from what I was hearing, diving over the counter at whoever Charloss had left behind in the store. And while they were all getting ready to bolt—no mean feat, seeing as it sounded like more than a few of the ex-slaves were in rough condition—I was skulking my way through the alleys, intent on getting the holy hell off this Grove. Because while you can damn well bet Soundbite's amp hadn't gone out anywhere near me, I was doubly sure that if there was one thing that would motivate Charloss to get off his ass and run around like a chicken with its head cut off, it was the prospect of getting his disgusting hands on a mermaid.
And it was all going so well, too. I was just in the middle of sliding my way around a corner, prepping to sprint across the street to the next block, when I started to bolt—
"Ackpft!"
And on my first step, my first step, I tripped over something, though I had no time to think about what. But in the end, no matter the hows or whats of it, I could only deduce that B.R.O.B. was behind this; it just had to be. Because out of all the streets in all the groves in the entire archipelago, I managed to fall down in the exact one that dumped me right in front of Charloss's fuck.
I'm honestly not even slightly ashamed to admit I froze up, caught between hoping Charloss recognized me and hoping he didn't. Between Charloss finding me interesting enough to spare, or not interesting enough to torment too badly. By the time Soundbite managed to get me out of my funk with a discreet chomp on my ear, the decision was out of my hands anyway.
I had had that amount of time to freeze up because Charloss was about as slow as he was indirectly dangerous; while his entourage of guards had their spears lowered, ready to impale me at a moment's notice, it took several seconds for the Noble himself to regard me with surprise, which slowly morphed into bratty indignation while I was regaining my bearings.
"You damned brat!" he started to bluster. "I don't even have the words! The mere idea that a worthless worm such as yourself would dare to bar my path like this is…! Is… wait… you…"
My blood froze in my veins as his eyes widened in recognition.
"I know that face of yours from somewhere… Ah! I remember now!" he exclaimed as the neurons finally fired. "You're Jeremiah Cross!"