~13 Hours Later~
A couple of times in my life, I may have wondered what it was like to try to get some sleep in a place called 'the city that never sleeps'.
Now, I probably didn't need to wonder anymore, given how my attempt to sleep had been scuttled into spotty tossing and turning by the all-pervasive hum of noise that infiltrated our rooms. Admittedly, it was a bit nostalgic to have the noises of city life back, but still, the night before a big meeting with a bunch of, most likely, less than even-tempered pirates? After spending a solid year adapting to the sounds of a ship at sea? Not quite so pleasant. Thank God my headphones were rated for Soundbite and worse.
But anyway, the night had come and gone, and the day had begun, and everyone on the island was anxious to get to the whole reason that we had assembled here to begin with. Specifically, our own crew, who ran the gamut from primped and primed to utterly dishevelled—and in one case that wasn't Brook, a zombie straight from the old Thriller Bark. So… perfectly normal morning, then.
"Alright!" Vivi—one of the primped ones, obviously—barked imperiously from the head of our crowd. "Is everyone on their best behaviour?"
A chorus of affirmative responses sounded out, I myself donning a perfectly respectable and innocent grin, without any hints of mischief whatsoever—
"Knock it off. All of you, right now."
A round of chuckles burst out from us at that particularly futile warning, and even Vivi had to let out a few giggles.
"Yeah, I know, exercise in futility, still had to try. But nevertheless!" She plastered on a slightly desperate smile. "At the very least, please try to avoid making a scene? At least at first?"
"We will not punch anyone not a part of this crew for the first five minutes," Boss solemnly swore with a respectful nod, which his disciples mimicked.
"What he said," Luffy nodded as well.
"…that's the best I'm going to get, isn't it?"
"YUP," Soundbite confirmed with an utterly shameless grin.
Vivi heaved a sigh that was as put-upon as it was fond. After a moment to compose herself, she gestured for us to follow. "Fine, fine. Let's just get this fiasco over with; the sooner we're done, the sooner I can replace the clothes I just know you're all about to ruin."
That was the signal for us to spill out of the inn section of The Lucky Rabbit and back to the main lobby; we were among the last ones to head out, and none of us was inclined to waste any more time getting there. I took a few moments to appreciate the vaulted cathedral ceiling—and, for that matter, the foresight to retrieve Gif to get pictures of all of this—before heading in the direction of a wide staircase. A gaping passageway led on from there, clearly designed to allow entire crews to pass through with a minimum of shoulder-bumping. And due to the probably intentional placement of the main lobby, it was only a minute or so of walking before the end of the tunnel came into view, letting us out into the ruins of Freezer 900, which the Skull Mist Pirates had repurposed into Skelter Bite's first and finest bar.
The frozen den of thieves, murderers and all-around scum of the earth: Helheim.
(I'd actually pointed out to Lola that in mythology, Helheim was more for anyone who died through means that weren't combat, like kids or the elderly. Lola's ever-so-mature response had been to blow a raspberry at me, which Soundbite naturally found hilarious.)
Truly, the place had to be one of the most unique pieces of architecture I'd seen thus far. Certainly, it was the most compact.
Starting from the outside working in, the first part of the bar's structure to be seen was the outer walkway that ringed the titanic pit that had once held Oars. Originally barren concrete, it had been refurbished with strings of lanterns illuminating the dark, and dozens of tables and countertops had been erected to form a circular dining area, which was currently populated by a vastly colourful (and quite boisterous) cast of characters. And said dining area wasn't constrained to the second dimension either, and extended upward courtesy of two concentric wooden walkways attached to the walls above. All three levels were haphazardly connected via seemingly randomly placed stairs, ladders, rope ladders, ziplines… really, I think you get the gist of transportation on this island by now.
The section of the wall that had been blown out by the freezer's old inhabitant, creating his own door, had been mostly repaired, but the blatant patch job was mostly irrelevant, covered as it was by industrial-sized beer barrels, all managed and guarded with professional intensity. And I mean seriously professional, as in I've seen Marines who were less well-armed and armoured than those guys… which, honestly, considering how Zoro was staring at the barrels with a particularly savage grin, might honestly have been under-kill.
And at the bottom of the shaft, we could see the giant patrons enjoying their time and knocking back entire casks at a time… and looking up at the other clientele for the first time in their lives, I'd wager, which I expect they didn't mind, if only for the sheer novelty of it. And, craning my neck and rubbing my eyes to make sure I wasn't hallucinating, I could see an actual Sea King down there, and it seemed to be enjoying itself just as much as the rest of the clientele. Weird, I honestly think I remembered seeing that frog from somewhere…
Ah, but honestly, all of that was nothing but the sideshow to Helheim's main spectacle.
If you thought the Skull Mist Pirates had left the yawning void of the Freezer empty, then you would be sorely mistaken. Because while their stores of booze were on the outside of the freezer… the bar proper was on the inside. Specifically, it hung over the abyss within.
Suspended over the freezer's pit by chains and ropes alike was not just a wooden platform, but a veritable spider's web of platforms, wooden structures with tables set upon them, suspended at seemingly random intervals throughout the void and interconnected by everything from gangplanks to tightropes. Some were larger and lower than others, others were smaller and higher, and any combination in between. But easily the largest of all was the platform which held the bar proper: a massive platform hung dead center of the chamber, and took up almost half the area.
The bar looked… well, like your typical bar, honestly, countertop and wall of alcohol and everything. Saloon-like, even, given how there was a massive mirror, too. Hell, the bar even had a 'second floor' to it, such as it were, thanks to a halo of a wooden walkway suspended over the place and connected to the bottom level by a pair of staircases that wound their way around the bar-platform. I also noticed that on an adjacent platform, Sandersonia and Koala were sitting together.
Now, normally such a massive platform would probably have dozens of tables of varying shapes and sizes on it at a time… but right now? There were only about two dozen smaller tables arranged around the edge of the platform… and one big round table located smack in the dead center of the entirety of Helheim.
A big table around which were seated ten people—nine captains and one first mate—whose heads I'm dead certain the Marines would burn a dozen islands wholesale for a chance at capturing.
The level of danger that they conveyed varied: Bartolomeo was leaning back in his seat, laughing along with a few of his crewmates seated behind him, Law looked to be half asleep, though the way he was tapping on Kikoku's sheath indicated how alert he was, and 'Mad Monk' Urouge had his head bowed and hands clasped in a bafflingly serene state of prayer.
'The Magician' Basil Hawkins and 'Red Flag' X Drake were more intense, still and silent as the former arranged and rearranged his cards on strands of what looked to be hay, while the latter sat stiff and tall in his chair, glaring at no one in particular while his fingers tapped impatiently on his mace's hilt. Both were very pointedly neither provoking nor inviting provocation. Capone's 'Gang' Bege was very similar, save for the fact that he was both surrounded by and waited on by his underlings, and he was smoking like a chimney. Literally, I think; I swear it was coming from more places than his mouth.
Bonney was eating her way through a 'small' platter of appetizers, displaying the exact table manners (or lack thereof) that her current teenage form implied. Eustass 'Captain' Kid wore an impatient scowl, one hand propping up his chin on a fist and the other occupied by an impromptu game of power-run stabscotch. A spectacle that Apoo was pointedly eyeing as he beat out a rhythm on his too-taut gut to the time Kid was keeping. Interestingly, 'Massacre Soldier' Killer seemed to be tapping out a similar rhythm on his own thigh… with the thresher blades he had strapped to his arms.
…If there was one good thing about this situation, it was that nobody was stupid enough to try and prove their stones by taking the few remaining seats at the Supernovas' table. However, that spectacularly rare show of tact and intelligence from our fellow swashbucklers was also a bit of a double-edged sword, because nearly as soon as we set foot in the titanic chamber, everyone hushed up damn fast as we, the Straw Hat Pirates, probably the most infamous pirates on the entire island, stepped onto the stage.
That's a heady thing, with a lot of expectations behind it, and some of our… less confident crewmates were visibly buckling under it. Hell, I was feeling it; I might be the idol of millions, but that was through a radio connection, not face-to-face, with a few hundred eyes staring at me in anticipation.
But still, as intimidating as a face-to-face audience was? We weren't half as on edge as the audience said we were. Which makes sense: our crew had made a habit of causing incidents on every island we'd been on, ranging in scale from minor riots to outright devastation, and we'd been quiet thus far. They were just waiting for the powderkeg to detonate…
Which, in turn, left us all waiting, tension mounting and choking us out more and more as the atmosphere of the room began to turn awkward...
"Well. Well. Well. So, you're finally showing your face, eh? You damnable big mouth?"
And then, clean out of nowhere, the tension ratcheted up at least five full factors in two sentences. The real surprise, though, was that I wasn't the one who did it!
Rather, that outburst—which became the new center of attention for the chamber—came from one of the only people in the room who actually had the clout to make such a ripple: the only Supernova in the room with a bigger mouth than me, who was gracing me with a sneer utterly impervious to the incredulous looks the rest of the infamous rookies were all shooting him.
"Gotta say, this has been a long time coming," Apoo chuckled, his arms double-crossed across his chest. "Because I have just been waiting for a chance to put you in your place in person!"
There was a brief hush as the sheer audacity of that statement swept over us… and then, of course, that was what prompted the crew to break the silence themselves. A feat that, this time, Raphey decided to perform with a quick clearing of her throat.
"So," she asked in a low tone so that her voice didn't carry too far. "I haven't exactly been keeping track of time. Has it been five minutes yet?"
Vivi, of course, slapped a hand to her face with a despairing groan. "Cross…" she pleaded, an air of defeat colouring her voice.
It took me a bit more to get my wits back about myself, but once I did, I shot Vivi a completely innocent and casual smile. "Worry not, my dearest princess. I shall promise to handle this with all the grace and subtlety—"
"Oh, just hurry up and cause a scene already!" she finally burst out, a ripple of wind blowing a few stray hairs in front of her snarling face.
Well, if she was asking for it—!
"As you command!" I declared, popping a salute before turning my full attention on the Longarm. I plastered my most indignant scowl on my face, puffed my chest out, and crossed my own arms to mirror his confrontational stance, raising my voice for everyone to hear. "Pshaw, you utter hack! I see how it is; it's not enough that you hijack my show, now you have to steal my lines, too!? I've been waiting months for this! You utter no-talent tosspot of a pisspot!"
"AND WHADDAYA MEAN, PUT us IN OUR PLACE!? YOU'VE BEEN STEALING MY MUSIC CORNER! I'LL SHATTER EVERY TOOTH in that bear trap you call a maw!"
And naturally, Soundbite wasn't a beat behind.
"Peh!" Apoo scoffed, shoving himself out of his chair, his arms kinked up in shrugs. "I'd like to see you pompous blowhards even try. Honestly, Jeremiah Cross, the bigger issue I have with you—besides the fact that you are a way overhyped asshat—is the idea that this little slimeball thinks he knows what music is!"
"Hey, now!" I barked, shaking a finger at Apoo as I marched down the wooden bridge that led to the main platform. "Only I get to call the slimeball a slimeball! You will address him with all the respect that he is due from someone of your standing in the hierarchy of life! Why don't we start at "your majesty" and work our way up?"
"APAPAPA! YOUR MAJESTY!?" The Long-Arm cackled. Swiping his arms out, he came to a stop in front of me, his head held… well, a full head higher than my own, a smirk on his looming face. "Even if making noise is the only thing he can do, I'd die of shame if I lost in anything to a bottom-feeder like him! Or to a weak-chinned, limp-wristed blond snotrag like yourself!"
"PFHAHAHA!" I chortled back, planting my fists on my hips and raising my chin. The better to radiate defiance. "Oh, buddy, you lose to him in everything! Even… nay, especially in terms of looks! After all…" I made a show of giving Apoo a decidedly unimpressed once-over. "What self-respecting entity would even think about touching someone who I can only assume is a gangly, trap-jawed, hairless orangutan!"
"WHAT!?" Apoo belted out, pounding out a harsh drumbeat on his chest. "Alright, now you're asking for it, you puny-brained pipsqueak!"
I jerked my chin to the side with an unimpressed tsk. "As if you're much better, you cantankerous ass-faced claptrap!"
"Scurvy-ridden sack of vomit!"
"Barnacle-ENCRUSTED whalefart!"
"Anchor-headed ignoramus!"
"Half-baked… no-good… NINCOMPOOP!"/"Stupid… dimwit… RAGAMUFFIN!"
Tense silence enveloped the bar after that simultaneous outburst. Silence that, on our parts, was maintained, the sheer effort both of us had to expend to not burst out laughing at that last exchange. Well, Apoo looked to be as ready to burst as I was, and I would outlast him, by gum, I most definitely—
"OR would you prefer 'ninnyhammer?'"
"…pffHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"/"APAPAPAPAPAPA!"
Yeah, that was a push too far. We descended so far into full-belly laughter that we almost missed the shock radiating from our audience at the sudden 180. Or maybe it was the fact that we clasped hands after the laughter died down. Hard to tell.
"'Nincompoop!' Really, now!" I chortled, wiping a tear from my eye. "What, did you dig that one out of your ma's attic or something?!"
"And what about you, huh!?" Apoo laughed, slinging… well, part of his arm around my shoulders. "I mean, 'ragamuffin'?! I'm at least a foot taller than you!"
"Shall we just agree you're both horrible at this?" Soundbite smugly offered.
"AGREED!" Apoo and I enthusiastically shouted, before I chuckled and held out my fist to the captain. "Ah, but seriously, Apoo, it is great to finally meet you in person!"
"Apapa!" Apoo smiled broadly as he bumped his fist to mine. "Same here, Cross! Same here!"
And apparently that was as much as our audience could take.
"Would someone like to explain to us what the fuck's going on here?!" Kid bellowed, punctuating the demand with a slam of his fist on the table. "I thought you halfwits hated each other's guts!"
"If you would be so kind, I'll take my payment in beris or validated ingots. I'll keep any change, of course."
My eyes shifted away from Kid to half of the other Supernovas, who were grumpily going through their pockets while Drake had a smug, content look on his face. Still not smiling, but considering the death mask he was wearing before, 'smug' was a definite improvement. He noticed my gaze and gestured to my bag.
"As if Vegapunk's technology could be hacked that easily or repeatedly," the ex-Rear Admiral deadpanned.
"Apapa, yep! I got in contact with Cross and we set the whole thing up! We've been playing the world for chumps and laughing the entire time!"
"And honestly," I spoke up, scanning over the rest of the gaping onlookers. "If you all could keep it as quiet as possible, we'd really appreciate it. Keep the joke alive and all that. And if you're hurting for motive, think of it this way: So long as people's gobs stay shut, we pirates shall have a cultural secret privy to us, and us alone! How does that sound, eh!?"
And thankfully, that was the final blow in the battle against the mood. The chamber erupted in raucous cheers and laughter, and just like that, they were rolling and flowing again… along with the booze, but eh, not like half of these guys were any more polite sober.
As the mood broke, so too did the cohesion of our crew, and our members casually dispersed across the platform. Everyone pretty much went wherever they pleased, and soon enough our crew was getting acquainted with the rest of the, to appropriate the World Government's designation of us, future 'Worst Generation'.
Luffy, naturally, gravitated towards a free seat at the table so that he could get at all the food available. Though in a surprising show of external awareness, I think he actually sat himself next to Bonney on purpose, if the sparking glares they traded while stuffing their maws were anything to go by.
Chopper ambled over to Law and was chatting quite animatedly with him, and though the spark in his eye was—by this point—no longer alarming, the one that was ever so slightly glimmering in Law's was. That Zoro and Tashigi were fingering their blades as they hovered around him was also no small cause for alarm.
Interestingly enough, Usopp seemed to be talking with Hawkins about something, quite animatedly at that. Luckily, the Magician seemed more interested in his cards (or at least bored in general) than irritated at our Sniper King, so there was no chance of Usopp's soul getting locked in a voodoo doll. Actually, it looked like they were… trading knick-knacks!? Well, I'll be. Either Usopp actually knew his hoodoo, or he was a better swindler than I gave him credit for…
And I had to do a double-take to confirm, but it looked like a new redhead had joined the Barto Club when I wasn't looking. She was looking rather beaten up and glaring daggers at Gin… who was just as beaten up and glaring right back. Geez, was she trying to steal the first mate position?
And believe it or not, those were the saner interactions. Others were a bit more… out there.
-o-
"Excuse me. Are you… Capone 'Gang' Bege?"
"'Weather Witch' Nami. What do you want?" the ex-mafia boss politely asked, turning towards the Straw Hat. He took one look at the gleam in her eyes and stumbled back in naked shock; he'd seen a great many expressions thrown his way over the years, but a lovestruck expression was not one of them.
" #!$)*%#~&—grrk!"
Before Bege could decide whether or not it was worth it to try shooting her, she froze, her cloudy aura smacking her on the skull thrice, producing a more... restrained demeanour. Visibly fighting to break free of the restraint, of course, but restrained.
"I apologize for that… ridiculousness, Mr. Bege. I've just been a huge fan of yours since I learned that you pulled off what most thieves only fantasize about doing," Nami explained sweetly. "I mean, robbing Fort Lumose itself—! Tell me, the main vault's door, was it really a Triple Charlieburg Custom, like Fantoma said it was in his biography, or was it the Wincheston Special that Lupin said it was?"
Bege gestured for the half-dozen men surrounding him to stand down, giving his full attention to the thief-witch in front of him. "Neither, actually. It was an Altoclef New Age with a deadlock modification. Had no choice but to blast the damn thing clean off its hinges. Which, seeing as I had three Captains on my back at the time, was no easy thing, let me tell you."
"Ahhh, the smash-and-grab universal lockpick methodology, I see, I see…" Nami nodded sagely, her clouds miming a fist pounding into a palm. "Not my school of theft, but always a solid plan B, and one I can respect. Although…" She tilted her head. "Now that I think about it, Altoclef is infamous for using Wootz steel in frankly gratuitous quantities. If I'm not asking too much, how did you get enough firepower in there to do that? I mean, you're obviously stronger than you look at first glance, everyone at this table is, but…?"
Bege actually blinked in surprise at the question, raising a brow at the Weather Witch. "Well, colour me surprised. That loud-mouthed friend of yours didn't already tell you about me?"
"Meh," Nami waved her hand dismissively. "Cross may know a lot, but not only does Luffy hate being spoiled on the adventure, but that loud-mouth is only loud and knowledgeable, not all-knowing. All he said was… what was it…that you're the best example of a one-man army?"
That drew an amused chuckle from Bege, and he nodded in confirmation. "Knowledgeable but not all-knowing indeed; he's not wrong, but that's quite the vague description. Alright, I'll lay it out for you." The mafioso held up his fist and flexed his knuckles, popping open his gunports and letting his cannons' muzzles peek out. "Short version, I'm literally a living fortress. The Castle-Castle Fruit allowed me to get up close, unperturbed and alone, blast away with more firepower than anyone could possibly carry on their own, and then send out all of my men to gather the funds and store them inside of me so that I could leave as quickly as I came in." Bege puffed out his chest and pounded his heart. "All the gold I took is right here, safe from even the most skilled of thieves or determined of Marines, and here it'll stay!"
"Ahhh, I see…" Nami nodded sagely. "Very impressive power. It'd explain why I didn't find a wallet on you."
And just like that, everyone in earshot froze in place, Bege's men giving Nami a wide berth as the ex-don pinned her with a frigid, dead-eyed stare. "…excuse me?"
Nami's face and clouds both slowly stilled in dawning realization. "…and that was out loud. Crap."
Bege slowly pushed his seat back from the table and stood to his full height. And though said full height was not terribly intimidating, his grim demeanour and the shadows cast by his fedora over his eyes cut a thoroughly intimidating figure. "You. Tried to pickpocket. Me. Girl." He emphasized the word with a firm, plank-shaking step toward Nami. "Do you have any idea just how many people, more intimidating than you, more powerful than you, I have killed for lesser slights? That I have killed for fun?"
Nami audibly swallowed and took a step back. In the same movement, her clouds loomed forward and darkened slightly, the stench of ozone filling the air. "In my defence, it was nothing personal, just sheer force of habit?"
The corner of Bege's mouth twitched, ever so slightly.
"And also," the Straw Hat navigator babbled as the charge built up in her clouds. "I'd have only taken twenty-five percent from it out of respect for your skills. If you knew me, you'd know just how generous that—"
"…geh."
Train of thought thoroughly derailed, Nami's eyes narrowed in bewildered confusion. "—Uh?"
"Geh… gehgeh…" Confusion, the gangsters surrounding Bege shared, their boss shaking in his boots, his head bowed… and then everyone recoiled when he suddenly threw his head back and roared… with laughter. "GEHGEHGEHGEH! Well, shoot me in the street, you've got brass, kid!" He jabbed a finger at Nami. "And I'm not talking about your crew, I'm talking about you, personally! Ain't seen that kind of metal in a brat like you in years! Real shame you're already taken too, otherwise I'd have hired you on the spot! After breaking your knees, obviously, but that'd just be because of formalities, nothing personal!"
"Thank… you?" Nami tried, her clouds swirling into a question mark.
"Ahh…" Bege sank back in his seat with a contented sigh, nodding amicably at Nami. "Still. Just because I can't hire you doesn't mean I can't reward you." The mafioso smirked and held out his hand to the other pirate. "Whaddaya say you 'step inside' for a spell, lemme give you a quick tour of the joint? I'll show you that gold you've dreamed about so much, along with a few other trophies of mine. They've all got some pretty decent war stories to go with 'em, and some of 'em I was even sneaky about getting."
A moment of hesitation, and then Nami donned a cocksure smile, planting her fist on her hip. "Oh? Not worried about inviting a thief into your… everything?"
Taking out a cigar, Bege lit it, inhaled, and blew out a smoke ring before placing it back in his mouth. "Girl, the walls literally have eyes and ears, and I know every inch of everything in there like the back of my hand. The mere idea of anyone stealing so much as a spare beri from me is as impossible as it gets on these seas."
Nami's smirk grew by several teeth. "That, sir, sounds like a challenge."
Bege met her smirk tooth for tooth. "That's because it was."
-o-
I sighed as Nami took Bege's hand and vanished (the Castle-Castle Fruit, should have guessed it. Well played, Oda!) and idly clapped my gauntlet on Sanji's shoulder, drawing his attention.
Honestly, I liked Sanji, I really did, but in this instance, I needed to stop him before he could make a move… or open his mouth for that matter, because one wrong word and I'd never hear the end of Soundbite's joking. "It's fine, Sanji. She chose to go through with this, and she can hold her own. And worst comes to worst, I'm fairly certain we can beat him."
"Mmph," the cook grunted around his halfway-blazing cigarette with a half-doubtful, half-rueful glance towards the… suddenly stilled mafioso who was staring off into space? Huh, guess he couldn't split his attention two ways at once. Useful, that. "Still—"
"NYORORO! Oh, is that so, huh?"
Sanji and I both twitched as he was interrupted by a smug, nasally voice that made me flash to the user of the Swamp-Swamp Fruit. As it turned out, I wasn't that far off. A metallic clicking noise drew our attention, and we turned to behold… either a greaser or just a plain, greasy guy approaching us. Seriously, the guy had slicked back black hair, a lizardy tongue hanging out of his grinning maw, shades, and was spinning a revolver as big as my forearm around the finger of one of his oversized hands. Overall, it was harder to tell what was greasier: him or his tacky zoot suit!
"And you are?" Sanji asked acerbically, expressing just as much distaste as I felt.
The lizard-tongued mobster drew himself a little straighter as he snapped his gun into a firing position. "The name's Vito. 'Monster Gun' Vito. Capo of Don Bege. You should really educate yourself better, neh, 'Black Leg' Sanji?"
Sanji pinned the mobster with a sidelong glare, accompanied by a cloud of smoke. "You'll have to excuse me if I don't bother learning the name of every two-bit thug with a gun in the Grand Line."
"HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU FIT a trend I've been noticing with epithets!" Soundbite couldn't help but comment, snickering. "PEOPLE DEFINED BY THEIR TOOLS USUALLY ARE TOOLS!HEEHEEHEEhoohoohoohahaha!"
Vito's grin twitched slightly, and he switched back to spinning his gun again. "Yeah, and the smallest pests always yap the loudest. Funny, that."
"OI!" Soundbite… well, yapped.
Still, I couldn't help but snort at the quip. "Alright, you managed to shut him up without getting pissed. For that, you earn some measure of respect. Still, you were saying about what I was saying?"
With a haughty sniff, the mafioso-pirate pretentiously adjusted the lapel of his suit. "Just calling you out on your overconfidence. Our crew is in the same league as yours, so unless you're just counting on luck, how do you figure that you're more likely to win?"
Now that drew a smirk onto my face, which morphed into a pre-emptive wince when I felt the tell-tale breeze of Vivi re-coalescing behind me. "Cross," she warned me, so tersely I could just see her foot tapping away on the planks. "Polite."
Well, if she was asking for it… "Fine, fine…" I huffed. I then took a moment to straighten my jacket, fix my posture so that I was standing straight with my arms folded behind my back and, looking Vito dead in the eye… "You, sir, are an imbecile."
I promptly ate, simultaneously slapped and kicked upside the head by Vivi and Sanji, though they failed to dislodge the shit-eating grin I'd adopted: "Not what I meant!" from the princess and "Don't disrespect the princess!" from the chef.
Vito, meanwhile, still maintained an impassive—if now slightly strained—façade. "Care to explain your reasoning, 'Voice of Anarchy'?"
Still sporting a grin, I glanced down at my metal-clad fingernails, making a show of examining them. "Tell me, Vito… how familiar are you with the story of the last fortress that the Straw Hats visited and had to break out of?"
Vito twitched, snapping his gun around his finger. "That… was different."
"It really isn't," I retorted, shaking my head. "If it were just a straightforward, conventional slugging match, then yeah, I'd give your boss and your crew good odds. Overwhelming manpower and firepower is a good strategy for 90% of the threats you'll face on the seas." My shit-eating grin widened a few more notches. "We're not in that 90%. We're built to dismantle quantity-over-quality, and we spit in the face of conventional tactics. And captain to captain, as long as you're thinking conventionally, unless your boss has a swordsman of Zoro's calibre or a Seastone arsenal hidden in that castle of his, he's not harming Luffy in a million years. I'm sure he has a few cheap tricks that'll let him put up a fight, but… well, a straight fight between Luffy and a building, or Luffy and an army… who would you put your money on?"
Vito hissed fiercely, his gun windmilling into a blur of, well, gunmetal. Finally, he huffed in annoyance and brought the gun to a stop. "You make a very irritating…" Vito paused before letting out another breath, this one a sigh, as he holstered his gun. "Very accurate point. I…suppose it's a good thing the don considers us to be in your crew's debt then, isn't it?"
My eyes flicked in Bege's direction, but quickly returned to Vito. "You don't screw us, we won't screw you. Fair enough?"
"Fairer than a lot of other people would give us, yeah. Now, if'n you'll scuse me…" The mobster turned on his heel and started walking away, grumbling under his breath, "Gotta see a few people about some ideas for 'unconventional' warfare…"
Vivi stepped up beside me, watching the gunslinger go. "Hmm. Opening aside, that was really well-handled, Cross."
I dismissively waved and looked around, immediately spotting someone else staring at me. A much more recognizable and dangerous person. Who just started walking this way? Because of course. Vivi's wince when she, too, noticed was audible: "Although I'll admit that is going to be a challenge."
That statement was almost immediately confirmed by the newcomer's opening statement.
"Hey, smartass," Eustass 'Captain' Kid snapped as he marched up to us, shadowed closely by Killer's stoic presence.
Sanji gave the Supernovas a warning glare as he surreptitiously positioned himself in front of Vivi, who herself had the start of a cyclone swirling around herself. "Can we help you?" he asked, though his tone clearly said 'fuck off'.
Kid barely spared the Monster a glance before focusing his full attention on me, giving me a dry onceover. "I never thought I'd say this, but… Cross, do me."
…
…
…
…error 404. J-Cross. EXE has encountered a fatal error.
Initiating self-destruct sequence.
I am not ashamed to admit that my next conscious thought found me firmly pressing one of Killer's gauntlets to my throat, a feeling of overwhelming DESPAIR filling my being.
"Please. Just make it quick," I moaned in a tone devoid of life.
"I MEANT TELL ME HOW YOU'D BEAT ME, YOU JACKASS!"
Oh. Right. Slowly, I lowered Killer's gauntlet. Then I leapt a good meter away from the Kid Pirates, coughing and straightening my clothes. I pointedly ignored the blush I felt burning on my face. And Soundbite's sitcom-grade cackling. And Sanji, Vivi, and most others in earshot were laughing so hard they were crying. Assholes.
"Oh, right, right, 'beat you,' of course… ah…" I hesitated as I got my wits back about me, shooting the steaming metal-head a doubtful glance. "You're… sure you want me to do that? Because I won't pull any punches, and you probably won't like what I have to say."
"Do I look like I give two fucks about screwing around the point?" Kid spat… no, he literally spat to the side. "Either whatever you say is dead wrong, and I know you can't scratch me worth shit, or you give me something to think about, and when I actually come for your dumbass captain's head, I'll have an easier time of it. Either way? I win."
"…tch." No getting out of this, clearly. "Brains to go along with the brawn and shitty attitude. Guess you had to make number two somehow…" Before Kid could go off, I snapped my finger. "I'll tell you this clean off the bat: Like Bege, when it comes to a straight fight between you and Luffy? My bets are on you losing. Not as badly as Bege… but still a loss."
For a clean minute, Kid's face twisted, rage coursing throughout his entire being. Then, in an impressive display of will, he shoved it all to the side. "Explain," he demanded.
And so, with a helpless shrug, I did. "In the simplest terms possible, you suffer from the same failing as Bege: You'd be going up against Luffy, someone who defies all conventional means of assault, with mostly conventional means."
"There is nothing conventional about how I fight!" Kid snapped, emphasizing the point with a menacing stomp.
In lieu of challenging him, I glanced towards Killer and raised an eyebrow. "How often is his go-to an overwhelming surge of might?"
Killer just stared at me for a bit before glancing aside. "…often enough."
I nodded sagely. "And therein lies the problem. Bege relies on conventional military might, and you rely on conventional physical might. But see, where your might is more flexible, it's still limited by the tools you can bring to bear. You can only really hit as hard as what you're hitting them with. And on most people, that's fine, except Luffy isn't 'most people'."
"Mrgh…" Kid growled, audibly gnashing his teeth. "He'll still bleed if I cut him, you know!"
"Only if you can touch him, and he's ridiculously agile, and only so long as he doesn't break the blades. And even if it were just fragments, you'd still need to be able to power through his tolerance for pain. You can ask Gin how well that contest turned out for Don Krieg when he tried using stakes," I retorted, angling my head towards the Barto Club's first mate.
"You realize I was unconscious for most of that fight, right?"
"Pipe down, character witness."
"Aye aye… loudmouth…"
That pause in the conversation was what Kid needed to get his second wind, which he demonstrated with an unimpressed huff and crossed arms. "So, what, you're saying that your captain's invincible or some shit like that?"
Really? That rhetorical gotcha? I demonstrated my opinion of that tactic by mirroring his stance and demeanour. "Hardly. In case you missed it? Luffy's lost before, plenty of times. He lost to Crocodile, Enel, and Shiki. Hell, his opening salvo against Moria was a loss. What sets him apart is that every time he gets beaten down, he—pardon the pun—bounces right back. And while I'm sure you could do the same!" I hastily amended as Kid and Killer both visibly bristled. "The question remains if you could do it more than Luffy, and do it as well or better."
Kid's lemon-sucking expression said it all, and for a minute I thought he'd tear me a new one, but a single swift intervention cut that off at the knees. Surprisingly, it didn't come from us but from Killer! The infamous Massacre Soldier cut off whatever his captain had to say with a swift application of his elbow to Kid's ribs—ah, no, correction, to the nasty scar that looked to encircle Kid's torso. Eesh, I'd heard he'd almost gotten ripped in half, but I didn't think it was that literal!
Kid pinned his first mate with a downright caustic glare, but neither Killer's mask nor demeanour so much as budged, and so the bloodthirsty captain was forced to stand down with a snarl and a glower, but not much else.
I took that opening as my cue to continue.
"I'm not saying that you don't have a will just as strong as Luffy's; Vito made that point himself. None of you would be at this table if you didn't. But when it comes to a straight matchup against Luffy's brawn, it's a high bar to cross—"
"We're in a high bar, CROSS."
I slapped Soundbite upside his shell, not stopping my speech. "—and unfortunately, one that you, with your abilities, have to cross. If it's any consolation? You're not alone in this. Bege, I already explained, Urouge is a straight-up bruiser, and Drake, while a high-quality Zoan, is certainly no Rob Lucci. And… Barto, I give even odds, depending on just how much punishment his barriers can take, if only because they're a hard counter to brute force."
At this point, everyone with the title of Supernova was watching me, even if most of them were only doing it out of the corners of their eyes.
Kid's glower stayed defiant, and then I wanted the defiance back, because he suddenly turned contemplative. This was followed by my stomach dropping into my shoes at the eagerly vicious grin he adopted a few seconds later.
"So what you're saying…" he leered, malice positively dripping from his every word. "Is that everyone else here could kick your rubber-brained moron's ass?"
The room froze, attention firmly swinging back to me, and not in a way I at all liked. I grimaced, and my eyes slowly turned toward my captain… who was glaring at Kid, an expression that Kid easily matched. Luffy's eyes turned to meet mine, and as he nodded his consent, I couldn't help but suppress a wince at how much utter hell Kid was going to catch for this later. But still, if Luffy said it was alright…
"First off, I'm not guaranteeing anything against anyone," I warned him tersely. "But… I will admit that, yes, just considering powers and abilities, it's people capable of producing more esoteric effects like Law, Apoo, Bonney, or Hawkins who have a better chance against Luffy. Not a guarantee, but certainly nothing he can easily brute-force through. Admittedly, that's not counting skill or will or anything other than abilities, but that's what I've got to work with." I paused, then grinned viciously as a thought struck me. "Honestly, you want a good chance at kicking Luffy's ass? Follow Foxy's example."
I loved how that wiped the smug clean off Kid's bastard face. "That weak-ass little shit—!" he started to snarl.
"—managed to beat nine shades of shit out of Luffy because his powers were something Luffy couldn't punch his way out of," I sneered right back with my most shit-eating grin possible. "Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say about you."
Kid had no answer to that. Instead, he tsked and turned away, plopping into the chair he'd claimed earlier.
And hell, so long as I've got the advantage… "And speaking of who else can kick whose asses," I mused aloud, folding my arms behind my head. "Just considering our crew, you're honestly at a pretty hefty disadvantage. Sanji and Boss are just straight-up physical monsters, Nami's capable of zapping you into a briquette, Vivi, you can't even touch, even without her gun, Merry could twist you into a pretzel—!"
SLAM!
I nervously eyed the crushed section of the table underneath Kid's fist, the pirate's whole body shaking. He lifted his head, and I felt my stomach drop again at the bloody smile on his face.
"And how is the little tyke, by the way?" he genially asked, raw evil colouring his every word. "Everything alright with her? Her… legs? Her… " Kid's fingers tore up a good chunk of wood as he clawed it down the table. "Neck?"
I blinked in confusion. Her neck? What about her oh fuck I forgot about her choker! OH THAT FUCKING BASTARD!
Amidst the cacophony of scraping chairs and smashing glasses and Nami hopping out of Bege doing a credible imitation of Zeus himself, I barely noticed Killer snapping his hands up in surrender and backing well away from his captain. Guess the Massacre Soldier really was as sensible as he appeared.
"YOU WANNA DIE, YOU PASTY FUCKWIT!?" Barto roared, shooting to his feet and pounding his fists on the table as he glared bloody murder at the unrepentant Supernova.
"OK, Kid, word of advice, you should really rethink what you're saying," Apoo hastily jumped in. He met the other Supernova's glare with a serious expression. "Buddy, the Straw Hats are all around you, all pissed, and they have a lot of friends and goodwill here. You, meanwhile?"
"There are approximately 1,013,913 words in the English language, and I know several other dialects besides, but I could never string any number of words together to explain just how much I want to hit you with a chair," Nico Robin droned in a voice that was dead as a doornail.
"…yeah, that."
Kid, for his part, was entirely unconcerned with what should have been enough concentrated malice to kill him dead on the spot. He even went so fast as to scoff, lean back in his seat and kick his feet up on the table before leering past me. "Oh, piss off, every one of you jackasses! Seriously, did piracy turn into a daycare service while I wasn't looking? In case you didn't notice, it's a dangerous world out there. Little girls shouldn't be playing around with the big boys like us."
All around the bar, Apis, Goldenweek, and Merry's eyes all narrowed. Actually, so did Vivi's.
"I would just like to note," Vivi hissed, her voice little more than a death rattle. "Those five minutes. Have come. And gone."
Apis said nothing; she just pointedly raised her hand and snapped her fingers. Barely a second later, the platform shuddered from Lindy ramming into one of the chains supporting it, coiling around the titanic links of metal as he snarled down at us—at Kid—with tongues of flame licking out of the corner of his maw.
"Oh, no, please, allow me," Goldenweek stated in a voice that was somehow extra dead, a veritable rainbow mixing on her palette. "Hold him steady for a minute. I want to see if I can make him cluck like a chicken. Maybe even make him lay the egg stuck up his ass."
"Ohohoh, don't worry…" Merry chuckled dryly, actually causing a minor ripple in the air as she slammed her fists together. "I think I can put him in traction for a bit longer than a minute."
And all of this… actually got Kid to give them an appraising look. There was no sneer, no condescension. Hell, he looked almost… respectful? But… from him? That's just not possible, I must've been reading him wrong, ri—?
"And besides, Captain, you're one to talk."
The appraising look evaporated, Kid suddenly turning an interesting shade of red. Everyone's eyes fell on a pair of figures in a booth a short distance away: a child, boyish in appearance (ruffled and soot-stained), dress (a pair of heavy overalls and a white engineering cap), and voice (rough, but cocky), but still undeniably a girl, and next to her a tall man with a yellow jacket, a wide-brimmed black hat, and an expression similar to Law's typical smirk, a pile of empty plates next to him.
"And you are?" Law drawled, his bored tone belied by his typical smirk and the way his eyes just seemed to shine with glee.
"Adelle Bascùd," the girl answered, matching smirk on her face as she tipped her hat to the other pirate. "Engineer of the Kid Pirates." She gestured to the man sitting at her side, who mirrored the expression and motion. "And this here's my brother and our crew's primary leg-breaker—!"
"Shuraiya! I thought I recognized that last name! Is that really you, you raggedy ass?!"
I jumped slightly at Koala's exclamation, giving the newly named Shuraiya a surprised look.
If the Kill Bill lookalike noticed, he ignored it in favour of barking a laugh and waving in greeting to the Revolutionary. "Koala, you bruiser! You turn pirate too, or are you still hanging with the rest of your troublemakers!"
"Still a Revolutionary, Shuraiya, just here on business, but… 'too'?! Last time I saw you, you were turning in a particularly nasty bounty to us, beaten within an inch of his life! How'd a pirate-hating bounty hunter like you end up going, pirate?! With 'Captain' Kid no less?"
The erstwhile bounty hunter's smile dimmed noticeably, going from brilliantly cheeky to just fond remembrance. "True, Kid's a jackass," he nodded lazily.
"Bite me," the punk in question spat.
"But he's also the jackass who sent the man who destroyed our home to Davy Jones' locker, and who brought my sister back to me after eight years of thinking she was dead. So, yeah."
Nobody listening was fooled; that may have been the truth, but it wasn't the whole truth. But none of us Straw Hats, at least, were in any position to protest that. Ah, well.
"Anyway," Shuraiya continued, crossing his arms behind his head. "We've got something of a, eh, what's the word…?"
"Mutually beneficial arrangement," Adelle chirped.
"Right, one of those, going with him. We're sticking around with him because we don't have anywhere else to go, and so that I can make sure that he doesn't start going after civilians again. And meanwhile, he's keeping us around because I can kick nine kinds of ass without breaking a sweat and without a Devil Fruit—"
"—while Gramps and I are the only ones with the technical know-how to keep one of the toughest old bitches this side of the Red Line, the Iron Tramp, chugging and sailing," Adelle cut in. "Makes us pretty invaluable, ya know!"
Oh, the way Kid was twitching in his seat with his head bowed was just a dream come true. But truly, it would take a cruel man to kick him when he was at his lowest… so of course, I didn't hesitate to open my mouth. "Wow, Kid," I chided with the closest to honest disappointment I could manage. "I knew you were a lot of awful things—and proud of it—but I thought even you would shy away from hypocrisy."
Every scrap of metal in the room vibrated something fierce, but the punk pirate managed to hold his temper together… what little was left, at any rate. "I do," he snarled through clenched teeth. "The badger is supposed to stay in the engine room where she's actually good at something, and even then, I only keep her around because Shuraiya's good enough at what he does that I can tolerate his brat sister staying along!"
"Mm-hm," said 'brat' hummed dispassionately, making a show of examining her fingernails. "You 'tolerate' me, is that right? Well, I'll just have to make sure to remember that the next time we're booking it from a particularly large fleet of Marines and you're yelling at me to, what was it again… 'push her until she's giving us all she's got'?"
"WHY. ARE YOU. HERE!?"
The pint-sized engineer shrugged indifferently. "Well, initially, I came looking for you because I needed some more money to buy this new strain of coal I found in town for the Tramp, but I decided to stick around when I heard the direction things were going so that I could watch you crash and burn. So far?" She 'graced' her captain with a radiant smile. "Not disappointed in the least."
Kid's ever-so-mature response was to snarl and fling a bundle of berries at her. "Get. OUT."
The engineer smiled innocently, showing off a gap in her front teeth, and caught the bundle. "Thanks, Captain!" the engineer chirped, hopping out of her booth and saluting both him and her brother on her way out. "Try and get me some incisors when the shit hits the fan, bro! My sculpture's almost done!"
"You got it, sis!" Shuraiya waved after her, and a few seconds later, she was gone.
For a few, glorious moments, silence reigned.
And then, of course, we stuck our noses in.
"Can I have some money too, Captain Kid?" Merry sang in her cutest, most obnoxious voice.
"ALRIGHT!" Killer shouted, hastily clamping a hand on his superior's shoulders and locking him in place before he could erupt out of his chair. "Before somebody ends up disembowelled, can we get back to why we're here? The sooner we're all on our way to Sabaody, the better."
"Agreed!"
"Yes! Very yes!"
That statement was met with unanimous agreement. In moments, all the Supernovas were seated at the central table, exchanging looks along the table, and the rest of the crews were at surrounding tables and booths behind their captains. I myself was leaning against the railing of the bar-platform, alone, watching the proceedings with vague interest.
"Shouldn't you be in there with them?"
Or, well, almost alone. I glanced to the left, where Killer stood, and the angle of his helmet suggested he was side-eyeing me while still keeping an eye on his captain.
"After all," the helmeted first mate continued. "You are the 'genius tactician,' aren't you? Isn't this where you'd do the most good?"
"Only if there was anything to 'do' to begin with…" I sighed despondently, shaking my head slightly.
"Just watch. THIS IS GONNA GET SO UGLY! And yet so good!" Soundbite snickered.
And before Killer could ask what we meant, the spectacle began in earnest.
"So, I'll just come right out and say it!" Apoo broke the silence with his usually unusual volume, emphasizing it with a clap of his hands. "Who's got any bright ideas about how to tear those privateers a new one?"
"My crew had them running and crying when we fought them," Kid snorted, waving his hand dismissively. "More force is all we'll—"
"Not all of us are as eager to keep ramming our heads into a wall until it breaks," Hawkins dryly cut in as he patiently cut his deck.
"The head or the wall?" Urouge asked, his smile screaming he knew the answer in advance.
"Yes."
A vein pulsed on Kid's head. "Oh, screw—!"
"Well, we could try it anyway. If ya like having an admiral crawling up your ass," Bonney drawled through the mouthful of pork she was chewing, spraying meat everywhere in the process. "That island's how far from Marine Headquarters again?"
"It is an archipelago, not an island, and not even half a day," Bege grunted, though the look he was shooting Bonney as he replied indicated he'd rather be answering with his gun instead.
"Yeah, he should know!" Barto snorted, obnoxiously and nasally at that. "The bastard got sent running 'cause Aokiji almost left his frost-covered boot up his ass! Like how Zephyr almost left him with an actual tail, HA!"
"First off, I made that old geezer bleed for what he did to me, so fuck off!" Kid barked, jabbing a finger at Barto, though the effect was ruined by how his other hand was clutching his scar. "And second, it wasn't Aokiji, it was Kizaru! And I never saw him anyway!"
"So you're not weak, you're just a coward. So noted," Law chuckled dryly, thumbing the bridge of his hat.
"You fucking—!"
"As Captain Eustass has already demonstrated, rushing in recklessly promises nothing but failure," Drake interrupted, his tone and demeanour both flat and unimpressed. "What we require, in this instance, is a sound and developed stratagem—"
"Developed by who? You?" Bonney sneered, showing far too many teeth for polite company. "Yeah, didn't work so well for you and witch-boy the last time you swung by this place!"
"At least neither of us is destined to choke on a chicken bone in the next three seconds," Hawkins drawled, eyeing a card he'd just drawn from his deck.
"Eh?" Luffy glanced up from his gorging, which he hadn't even paused in. "Did shomeone shay chi—MRGH! BONE! HELP!"
"Ah, my mistake. I apologize, Captain Monkey."
"YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE, YOU DEAD-EYED ASS!" Barto slammed his barrier-encased fist on the table with a roar.
One straw-blond eyebrow rose. "That destiny would have come to pass with or without my intention. Much like how your own unfortunate countenance was a result of your own natural misfortune."
"OKAY, I MIGHT BE A BIT OF A DUMBASS, BUT EVEN I KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID ABOUT MY FACE!"
KA-KLICK! "Sit your ass down and shut the hell up, Black Bart," Bege intoned, a pistol planted dead between Barto's eyes. "Your bullshit is getting us nowhere."
"HEHA!" Barto scoffed, spreading his arms wide—with fingers crossed, I idly noted. "Or what, halfpint?"
CRACK! The answer to that came from Urouge, smile yet ever-present, if a bit bigger, slamming the pillar he'd been toting the entire time down next to the table. "Or, I cave both your heads in and we continue without you. Why don't we just calm down, hm?"
"And who put you in charge here?" Bege sneered scornfully. "I'm the one with the most experience looking at big pictures like this; I should have a point."
"Fat chance. I'm the only one who's seen what they have to fight with, and my bounty is the highest here next to his," Kid snorted, gesturing at Luffy, who was still flailing and starting to turn interesting colours. "And nobody sane would put him in charge!"
"You're not wrong about that," Drake said, his eyes narrowing as his hand drifted down towards his mace. "But you're certainly dumber than he is if you think I'll let someone as reckless as you boss me around."
"The fuck did you just say to me?!"
"He said that you're nothing but a dumbass, dumbass!"
"Will you two stop your squabbling already?! I can barely eat, you're pissing me off so much!"
"Good. Maybe you could stand to eat a little less."
"YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU SON OF A—!?"
"PTOOEY! Woo, that was close, shishishi!"
"Okay, why don't we all calm down and—?"
"Oh, I can calm them down real fast."
"You even touch that sword, and I'll drop you where you stand, dead-eyes, I swear to Triton!"
"Just try it, punk-ass! You wanna go? LET'S GO!"
I shook my head as the arguments escalated in that general manner; at this rate, it'd be nightfall before we even had a chance to make any progress. Exactly what I was afraid would happen.
"Damn it all, we're getting nowhere at lightspeed," I groused under my breath. "Everyone's too tense, too wound up, too nervous, and their 'Alpha Dog' personalities mean that nobody's letting themselves show weakness, which is just ratcheting up the tension even higher, and on top of that, that's riling up everyone else in the room and means the Supernovas are even less likely to back down to save face. Damn negative feedback loops... they wouldn't have listened to me even if I'd tried to say anything. Something needs to give sooner rather than later, or else this is going to turn real ugly real fast and—"
"You do know you're talking to yourself, right?" Killer flatly pointed out.
"Easiest way to guarantee intelligent conversation on short notice," I offhandedly retorted, more focused on my own thoughts. "Now, if you don't mind, I need to stop our captains from trying to kill each other…" A thought occurred to me. Wait, would that actually… then I grinned as that thought struck gold. "And I think I know how to do it. Just gotta check first, though—!" I snapped my fingers and indicated Lola, who'd been spending the entire fight thus far leaning on her bar, taking in the dumpster fire. Soundbite's characteristic whine of static got her attention in a hurry, though. "Lola, two things real quick. First, to be sure, there's a net under here, right?"
The ex-Charlotte snorted derisively. "What are you, chicken?"
My eye twitched furiously as I got a good grip on the railing. "It's an Oars-tall drop to the bottom, and most everyone in this room is drunk off their ass."
That got another snort, but this one was just amused. "Just messing with you. Yeah, there's a net. A dozen nets, actually, all the way to the bottom and all hugging the rim, and they're reinforced with metal. We just painted them black. Gotta keep the excitement up, see?"
I heaved a sigh of relief, "Smart. Alright, secondly… if things start getting messy in here, how pissed would you be?"
At this, Lola's face fell flat. "Cross, this is, perhaps, among the largest pirate bars in the world. There is nothing in here that can't be replaced. Just let me lay down a few ground rules when things start going down and then have fun."
"Aye-aye ma'am," I concluded, saluting. I then pushed off the railing towards the maelstrom that was the strongest captains in our generation… before pausing as a thought struck me, and I glanced back at Killer. "I'm going to try and stop the bloodbath that's brewing. You can either follow me or stay out of my way."
Killer's mask stared impassively at me before the man himself heaved a sigh and pushed off the railing to join me. "…this had better work."
Out loud, I scoffed. "Around me? Trust me, one way or another, it will." Under my breath, meanwhile, I hissed, "Soundbite? On my cue, some appropriate music, please."
"…HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED to know what to play?"
"Oh trust me. You'll know."
Before he could say much else, however, I cleared my throat as we reached the edge of the table, as well as the last argument. Truly, it was a testament to my influence that all noise stopped when I intervened, but the tension remained and was still mounting, so my mere 'presence' wasn't enough; not alone, anyway. As such, I'd have to make this fast.
With that thought in mind, I gave the Supernovas an expansive grin. "Gentlemen. Bonney. Kid."
"HEY!"/"HA!"
"I know things are tense, and I know you're all on edge. The blockade has us worried. Marine retaliation has us worried. The idea of our journeys being stalled is mortifying, and the idea of defeat is even more so. It paralyzes us, reduces us to petty squabbling." Slowly, I surreptitiously laid my hands upon the back of a free chair and scooted it out from under the table. "But! Fret not, my friends! And Kid."
"BITE ME!"
"He wishes…"
"For you see, I have the solution to all our woes and worries within arm's reach. A means through which all our stress will be alleviated, and peace and harmony restored to our ranks. All without any cause for concern whatsoever." I tilted my head to the side, a truly beatific smile on my face. "I have only two words for you all."
And with that, I grabbed the chair and swung it up, around, and smashed it clean across Killer's face in one smooth motion, knocking him ass over teakettle.
"BAR FIGHT!" I roared, brandishing the splintered remains of the chair for all to see.
For a split second, the entire chamber froze—
"HOLD IT!" And then it was right and properly paralyzed by a secondary roar, this one coming from Lola.
Before anyone could think to move, the Captain of the Skelter-Bite pounded her fist on her bar's countertop, and almost immediately in response, sturdy wood panelling fell over the mirror and booze arrayed behind her.
Lola heaved a sigh of relief. "At least I saved the mirror this time…" She then pinned the room with a pointed stare. "Alright, LISTEN UP! Ground rules: no intentional kill shots, no crippling, if someone says uncle, then you let them go, and unless you've got something personal against them, no aiming for the staff! Aside from that, feel free to bash each other's heads in."
A final moment, fragile as glass…
Lola swung her arms out impatiently. "GET TO IT!"
And then the world shattered.
Whether by dint of pure reflex, superior readiness, or just the fact that they expected me to pull something like this, Luffy and Barto were the first to react, the latter leaping clean across the table to tackle Kid right in the ribs and onto the floor, and the former kicking the table six feet straight into the air. And, incidentally, hitting about half the Supernovas square on the chin in the process.
"AUGH! LUFFY, YOU IDIOT!"
And lo, as Nami's Eisen Cloud grabbed Luffy and started smashing him into the floor, Trafalgar Law's Room sprang to life, swapping me with him with only just enough time for me to duck under a sturdy-looking whiskey bottle, and all the while the chords of an electric guitar screamed out.
"I don't give a damn 'bout my reputation!
You're living in the past; it's a new generation!
A pirate can do what they want to do, and that's
What we're gonna do!
An' I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation!"
"Good choice," I grunted before grabbing the arm holding the bottle and smashing my armoured forehead into the guy's—gal's!—chin with a satisfying crunch. Unfortunately, that didn't bring her down. A fact that I wasted a good second blinking stupidly at, and would've paid for with a shin to the family jewels had her head not suddenly vibrated like a malfunctioning blender.
"INCOMING!"
I spun, just in time to get rugby-tackled right in my chest and driven back. Several elbows to the head and shoulders didn't dissuade the pirate, and the breath whooshed out of my lungs entirely when I got sandwiched between the bar and the pirate. Wheezing, vision swimming, I barely rolled my head away from a punch that splintered the hardwood bar. The next punch I somehow caught in my left hand, my right scrabbling for some sort of weapon. My fingers closed around smooth glass, and I brought a… whiskey bottle? A whiskey bottle around right in time to catch the pirate's arm with it.
SNAP! "YAAAARGH!"
"Sorry, not sorry!" I barked, shoving him back with a foot to the chest and then backhanding him with the bottle. Amazingly, it remained intact, and I gave it a look of appreciation. "Huh. Nice glass."
With my back covered and no enemies charging at me, I could take a moment to catch my breath and get a good look at the fight. On the plus side, it had started a lot easier than the big brawl during the Accino/Hiruno wedding fiasco. On the downside, it had started a lot easier than that brawl, and more importantly, I could barely keep track of anything.
The entirety of Helheim had devolved into a thing of pure chaos, fights spontaneously erupting… pretty much literally everywhere. The central platform I was on alone was a mess of fighting bodies, thrown bottles, chairs, and fists. Even the stronger fighters were mostly obscured by the seething mass around them.
Though most is not all. From the localized lightning tornado off to the left, Nami and Vivi had teamed up and were taking out some old frustrations on a hapless Five and Valentine. In the center, an angel, a dinosaur, and an elephant were grappling, the rest of the brawl giving them a wide berth. And then, further down the bar were—
"OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, YOU GUYS!" I bellowed at Zoro and Sanji, sword meeting boot again and again. "FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIVES, CAN YOU NOT FIGHT EACH OTHER THE FIRST CHANCE YOU GET?!"
"NO WAY IN HELL, CROSS!" the two roared back.
Groaning, I eyed my makeshift weapon. Maybe, just this once—?
"I wouldn't recommend that, Jeremi-ya."
Wait, was that—Yup. There was Trafalgar Law sitting next to me at the bar, sipping at a drink and cool as a cucumber.
"And why not?" I demanded halfheartedly.
"Well, one, that whiskey is garbage I'd only feed to Doflamingo." Law's smirk widened slightly. "And two, it won't break as fast full."
"Huh," I said, eyeing the bottle a little more appreciatively. "Okay, new question: why aren't you out there?"
Right as I said that, one pirate peeled off from the group, brandishing a pool cue and charging straight at Law as he… ululated? Jeeze, I really was the Voice of Anarchy…
"Well, for one, I don't need to be," he chuckled, making his usual gesture to swap a bottle of liquor flying above us with a random pirate. The said pirate followed the bottle's flight path and smacked into the covered liquor shelves, impacting them much like a fly would a windshield, and with just as much effect. "And for another, I prefer… other methods of stress relief."
I tensed slightly—okay, pretty hard at that remark, and it obviously showed, because Law gave me a knowing smirk.
"Okay, you got me," I said, throwing up my hands in faux-defeat. "But c'mon, it's not like I lied, ya know? You saw how tense things were at the table. This…" I indicated the brawl… right as Beppo went careening head-first into the shelf—
SMASH!
…correction, headfirst through the shelf, and stuck up to his waist. The bear's legs kicked and struggled for a bit before he fell slack with an audible groan of defeat. "Oh, bother…"
Following his trajectory (as I fought to refrain from joining Soundbite in his cackling) showed that Gin and the new ginger chick had joined in on the Zoro/Sanji brawl to make it an all-out battle royale, though it wasn't clear who had landed the blow.
I snickered and shook my head before forging on. "As I was saying… this will hopefully allow everyone to blow off all the steam they've been building so we can discuss things like civilized human beings. Or, well, whatever the fuck we are. Because it's better that they be breaking bones instead of slashing throats, see?"
Law nodded sagely, even as he offhandedly jerked Kikoku's sheath to the side and brained a mook who'd tried to charge us. "Sound plan, Jeremi-ya. Very noble. Truly, I can only find one major flaw."
A sudden pit settled into my stomach. "Er… and what flaw would that be?"
"JEREMIAH CROSS!"
"Ohhh, that flaw," I said with a lot more cheer than I felt. I glanced at the bottle in my hand; suddenly, it felt decidedly inadequate. Especially since Killer's arm blades had just shorn a table in two in midair.
"I…" Killer growled. "I'm going to gut you, tear out your intestines, and use them to string up this year's Christmas lights!"
"You're welcome to try," I replied, smirking as I held up my left hand with my fingers in a V. "But I'm afraid you GASTRO-FLASH!"
The Flash Dial went off just fine. The Gastro-half did not. And any hopes that the Flash half would be enough died when Killer just tilted his head.
"Was that supposed to do something?"
"Mother of pearl!" I spat under my breath. The mask. The damn mask had blocked the light from the Flash Dial! And with no sound… "SOUNDBITE!"
"I'M BACK, I'm back! SORRY, HAD TO help Usopp, and on Wednesday, duck out of the melee because they promised to get me some crunchy green. BUT NOW I'M BACK AND—!" Silence descended—like, literally in our general vicinity—and slowly, Soundbite turned his half-lidded eyestalks towards me. "DARE I ASK WHY?" he deadpanned.
Killer gave me no chance to answer; I only barely caught one of his whatever-the-hells-they-were on the bottle I was holding, and somehow the edge only bit deeply into the glass, instead of clean through it.
"Just help me already!" I yelped, nervously eyeing the other blade as he raised it to gut me!
As if on cue, Killer suddenly staggered in the tell-tale sign of a Gastro-Phony. Astoundingly—and yet not really to my surprise, given who he was—he didn't go down, and only a hasty dodge (and loss of my trusty bottle) kept me from losing an arm and half my ribcage.
"How the hell is he—?!"
"HE'S KID'S ZORO, how do you think!? JUST BOOK IT!" Soundbite snapped.
"Booking!"
Though not on his knees retching, Killer's coordination had still been badly hampered by the Gastro-Phony. It was simplicity itself to simply run around him, but where to go? I took one look at the mosh pit surrounding the still-brawling Funkfreed, Drake, and Urouge and decided that there was no way I was going that way.
"Franky Boxing! ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!"
"Zazazazaza! That's useless! Uselessuselessuselessuselessuseless~!"
Neither, for instance, did I want to be one of the mooks that got too close to Bonney and Franky's punch v. kick duel and got pulped in the process…
"COME ON, CUTIES! GIMME A HUG! IT WON'T HURT! FOR LONG!"
And that was the bridges off this place right out, so long as Sandersonia remained on an atmosphere-addled prowl.
"STAIRS!"
Oh, yeah, there was a second floor. And a quick glance confirmed that, while there were a good number of punch-ups going on up on the balconies, it wasn't the free-for-all on the ground floor. There were even people just leaning on the railings watching.
"JASON WANNABE at FIVE O'CLOCK," Soundbite announced.
I risked a glance over my shoulder and nearly let out a very manly scream. Killer was driving hard for me, tossing aside anyone in his way. A glance back at the stairs confirmed that it was going to be a very close call.
"Here goes nothing…" I muttered, throwing myself into a dive.
As I'd hoped, Killer's scythes sailed right above my head, and I grabbed at the steps and scrambled back to my feet, bounding up two at a time. Killer, sadly, was not constrained to such mundane things as "stairs", and a single jump had him balancing on the banister next to me, and his legs tensed to get him in front of me.
"Yo, asshat: GASTRO-BLAST: STEREO EDITION!"
And just as his feet left their footholds, a solid wall of sound slammed into Killer, knocking him off-balance at exactly the wrong moment. He plummeted down, and some part of me hoped that he would miss the central platform and fall down onto the nets hard enough to break them.
But when have I ever gotten that lucky?
Sure enough, when I reached that upper balcony, Killer's scythes cut into the wood of the floor and heaved him up so that he could perch on the balustrade like a faceless gargoyle. I glanced behind him and bit back a curse. Out of position. Still, there was a simple enough way to fix that.
"Disorient him, but don't let him notice."
"That'll barely THROW HIM OFF."
"That's my problem," I retorted, grabbing two more bottles off a nearby table and brandishing them like short swords.
And none too soon, either. Killer launched himself off the balustrade, shattering it under his feet. I frantically backpedalled, catching his blades on the bottles. And then again. And again.
It was a whirlwind of steel that I only survived through panicked flailing, Soundbite subtly disorienting Killer so that he was only two steps ahead instead of the ten he'd typically have over me, and Soundbite also tossing in a few light Gastro-Blasts whenever the other pirate got too close to turning me into sashimi.
"Ow! Mother humper!"
Unfortunately, I was getting turned into sashimi anyway, just the slow way. Slashes kept slipping through my improvised guard, nicking my face and arms and chest and shoulders. And the fact that the blades were steadily chipping away at the thick, sturdy bottles added flying glass shards to the bladestorm I was dealing with.
But I was alive and fighting, and Killer was so pissed off and distracted he didn't notice that my backpedalling had looped us around, so that I was now being pressed back in parallel to the balustrade.
Just. As. Planned.
Clumsily hopping back from another swipe, I risked a glance to my left. Yes! Finally, my ticket out of here!
Of course, my inattention meant I collected another small cut, this one on my neck and entirely too close to the important bits. I only barely turned back in time to catch Killer's other scythe on one of my bottles that, naturally, picked that moment to give up the ghost, spraying me with alcohol and glass shards.
"Fucking—! Soundbite!"
I'd barely gotten past the first syllable of Soundbite's name when Killer stumbled to the ground, clutching his head. Good snail. Taking the opportunity, I ditched the remains of my impromptu weapons and sprinted for the balustrade before launching myself off of it into the open air.
For a long second, I hung there, slowly drifting up and forward. Down below, I could see the brawl paradoxically cleared of most of its fighters, most of the ordinary pirates lying in groaning heaps on the floor being tended to by a mix of doctors from the various pirate crews and what looked like a team hired by the bar, and yet still intensifying. But if you thought about it, it wasn't that strange: with the fodder gone, it was a brawl between the absolute cream of the crop, and they all had endurance to spare.
I only had time for snapshots: Kid and Hawkins smacking straw and metal arms into each other. Koala grabbed Sandersonia by her tail as she passed by and threw her to the floor in a classic, if massive, suplex. Bege is trying to batter down Fortress Bartolomeo with raw cannon power.
Oh, and Drake, Funkfreed, and Urouge were still butting heads in the center of the fight. Literally, I winced when Funkfreed reeled back, a Urouge-forehead-shaped dent right above his eyes.
CLANG!
No time to wonder what that noise was. I'd passed the apex of my jump, and I needed all my concentration for this…
Throwing my arms out, I grabbed the big chandelier hanging over the center platform and held on for dear life. The chandelier swung out, and I took the moment to catch my breath and—
Did a knife just bounce off a wall?
"AH, THAT HAWKINS GUY threw that your way. Knocked it off course AND—"
"YAAAAAARGH!"
Oh, that was Mikey, leaping above the scrum, clutching his—!
"MY ASS! WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP STABBING MY ASS!?"
"HEEHEEHOOHOOHAHAHA!"
I hastily tried to tune out Soundbite's howling. Not because it wasn't funny, because it was hilarious and I was never going to let the chuck-wielder live it down so long as I lived, but because I needed to time this… just… right…
Now!
Right as the chandelier, sent a-swingin' from my desperate leap, reached its apex. I let go, soaring, arms wide.
Good news, my plan worked! I'd escaped and was alive!
Bad news? It worked too well.
Because you see, I escaped and landed, clean astride, the familiar back of an unfamiliar Tyrannosaurus Rex.
I blinked in numb surprise as my brain attempted to process that Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot had just happened… and ultimately, my gut reacted before my brain could catch up, prompting me to shoot my fists in the air with a whoop. "Booyah!" I crowed. "Third time riding a T-Rex overall, second time I ride one into battle! I love how those numbers don't match up!" I cackled as I rammed my heels into my mount's side. "Charge, trusty steed!"
That prompted said trusty steed to display some impressive dexterity by twisting his head around to straight-on glare at me with a baleful eye, backed up by rows of snarling, knife-sized teeth.
"Or not!" I cheerfully squeaked, rolling backwards off his back and narrowly missing becoming Drake's snack by the skin of his fangs. As it was, I was lucky to land unharmed… until I almost got unlucky by way of a punk-rock reject I recognized from Kid's team, who was almost bringing a table down on my head. Then my luck reversed once more, thanks to several disembodied arms yanking me aside and dropping me off the edge of the platform. I fell for only a couple of seconds before finding myself on a lower island-table that—most surprisingly—was actually devoid of conflict. Then again, given who was actually sitting here, maybe it wasn't so surprising as that.
"Robin. Goldenweek. Foxy," I nodded patiently at the other onlookers, calmly reaching for a cup of—I barely stopped myself from grabbing the cup with a grimace. "Painted the floor green, I see."
"Mm, in my defence, it's muddied," Goldenweek shrugged indifferently as she sipped her own hot leaf juice. "That way, you can ignore the effects if need be, but most anyone else who sets foot here is going to be finding themselves having an unpleasant time."
"Case in point," Foxy snickered, jabbing his thumb to the side to indicate Hamburg flinging a half-tranquillized would-be interloper off the platform… after stealing his wallet, because of course.
I gave the trickster pirate a flat look… for a bit before shrugging and picking up a crumpet. Had to keep up my energy, after all! "So, how's the brawl going?" I asked.
"Let's see…" Robin closed her eyes with a thoughtful hum. "The TDWS is totem pole-ing to fight against a couple of the Heart Pirates—Sachi and Penguin, I believe their names were—Carue is educating Billy on how wings can be used to execute a surprisingly effective chokehold, Chopper is alternating between first aid in Brain Point and first blood in Heavy Point—"
"Conis just BLASTED an entire bridge! IT'S RAINING CHARRED MEN, WOMEN, AND ASSHOLES, HALLELUJAH!"
"—Lassoo is getting help from Merry to improve his pitch while she's keeping a very active pace with him using her Jingo as a bat, Brook and Lindy are getting pictures of everything, particularly anything below the waistline, and—"
"GEAR THIRD!" THWACK! "RIBBIT!"
"—I do believe that Luffy just dropped down to the giants' section and has started a fist fight with the Sea King, and Boss is not far behind," she concluded with a nod and a deep slurp of her tea.
"Oh, Triton's going to be cranky about that," Goldenweek actually showed some emotion as she winced sympathetically.
I blinked in surprise and gave the artist a glance. "You know that oversized plate of uncooked legs? What, Mohmoo not enough for you or something?"
"Oh, no, not at all," Goldenweek waved me off with a shake of her head. "Rather, he's… a friend, of sorts. It's complicated. Apis will help him explain once things die down."
"GO FOR THE EYES, WHITE ONE! THE EYES! MUHUHAHA!"
"GLADLY! C'MERE, MOOKS!"
"And once she stops RAISING HELL WITH Cottontail's help!"
"That too."
"Sounds like we're going to be here for a while then," I nodded sagely, grabbing and scarfing down a rice cracker off the table before striding to the edge of the platform. "Well, then, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do my due diligence and knock a few heads." And with that, I swan-dived towards a table below us—
—and immediately donned a malevolent grin as my fog cleared and shifted my position in midair. "PEOPLE'S ELBOW!" I roared with eager glee.
"FUCK YOUR PEOPLE'S ELBOW!" Someone roared back—
THWACK! "GAH!"
—which was all the warning I got before I was swatted out of the air and sent crashing through a table to crack a different island in half beneath me.
I clawed my way out of the wreckage with a groan, shaking all the kinks out of my bones. I was sore, covered in bruises, and dripping enough wasted food and booze to give Sanji an aneurysm. All in all, there were surefire indicators that this was going to be a long brawl.
I immediately launched myself back into the air, aiming for the same table as before. "PEOPLE'S ELBOW 2: THE REVENGENING!"
…And I was going to love every second of it.