I always believed that financial independence would free me from this heavy weight in my mind. I used to think about the future in a way that scared me and made me anxious.
I thought money would save me from boredom that I would travel and buy whatever I wanted.
But unfortunately, after achieving all of that, I found myself feeling empty. Even while traveling, I feel bored. I lose interest in things before even buying them. Nothing brings me happiness not a luxury car, not an apartment, not even travel.
I lost you, and nothing can replace that loss. My heart is more valuable than all of this.
I feel lost spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I wish I could find a way out of this maze because my thoughts exhaust me.
It is deeply painful to feel lonely not because you are alone, but because you feel alone among people you love and cannot live without. Yet, they cannot comfort you or understand your thoughts, your feelings, or your way of life.
And the tragedy is… those people are my parents. I love them with all my heart, yet I do not feel safe or understood with them. My father lives in his own world, and my mother the one I need to be my friend—fills my life with repetition, shouting, complaints, and harsh words.
My reactions have become sharp and hurtful, like broken glass… because when I break, she breaks me even more with her indifference and lack of understanding.
Our home feels chaotic, neglected, and emotionally exhausting. I have lived in this environment since childhood. There is no change, no renewal, no care.
Leaving you cost me so much…I was the one who used to forgive you, your absence, your mistakes.
I pray that God helps me forget you, if our separation is truly forever… because hope keeps me stuck.
I don't know why I can't forget you. Even when I think I have moved on, I return to the same point as if I relive the pain again and again.
I realized that I truly loved you. Even my hatred toward you came from the depth of that love. I tried to reverse those feelings, but it didn't work.
I tried to forget…
Medication makes me feel disconnected, as if my brain is being tricked into artificial happiness.
Therapy did not help.Travel and new experiences are only temporary distractions.Meeting new people only makes me feel more disconnected and uncomfortable.
What should I do to make this pain stop?
Ending my life? But what comes after that? It could be another kind of suffering.
I would leave behind a life…And even if no one remembers me, my parents would suffer deeply. I would destroy them, especially in their old age and that feels like a terrible selfish act.
If all paths are truly closed… God, why won't You help me forget?I just want the pain to fade, the wound to heal, to accept what happened and replace love with patience.
My hope is fading.I feel deeply exhausted.
Maybe you have already forgotten me…
I just hope you are okay and happy, anyway.