Where are you now? What is wrong with you, and where have you disappeared to?I never expected that you would disappear in such a disappointing way. I always loved you and thought we would never be apart. Now, here we are, knowing nothing about each other. I am not even sure if you are still alive. You vanished from my life like water that boils away.
I loved you with all the love in my heart.I hated you deeply; it is said that the harshest form of love is hatred.
I got rid of everything that reminded me of you, but you never left my mind.You left, but you forgot to pull yourself out from inside me.
You exhaust me so much; you have become a heavy burden on my shoulders, especially since your presence inside me is pointless.
You left; you are no longer in my life. You have become part of the past.Why are you still present?
I do not feel lonely as much as I feel the desire to remain alone, but I have lost hope of finding you my sun that once shone in my heart. You have hurt me deeply.
Your instability, your hesitation, your addictions, and your betrayals…You stabbed me.
I could not bear a day passing without you, and now you are absent from me. Hours have become days, then weeks, then months, and then years. I have missed you, and your absence feels like a dagger stabbing into my heart. I love you. I miss your breath, your words, your actions.
I miss you so much. If I had the means, I would cross miles just to reach you but what if you are too lazy to even cross the road for me?
Perhaps you simply do not want me.
I still love you, and I have not forgotten you. Am I obsessed with you? I contacted your brother many times, but his reaction his coldness and his lack of understanding of my feelings hurt me deeply. He blocked me repeatedly, and I kept trying again, even though I knew the result would be the same and that he would treat me with the same contempt. But I did not stop until I lost hope in him and in his help.
It is not in my nature to hurt my dignity, but when it comes to you, things are different. I do not think logically, nor with pride. Maybe I deserve that treatment, and maybe I am a bad person in his eyes. But truth be told, every word I wrote in my messages was sincere, and I wrote them with the tears of my heart that aches and cries in regret over losing you.
Let me clarify something: yes, I was the one who left in the end, but only after I lost hope in our relationship. I began to hate myself and to hate you, and I became tired. I felt as if I had become someone else someone I did not want to be. At the first opportunity, I let go and walked away, and the feeling of leaving was a relief to me.
But I cannot forget you are my main plan, my backup plan, and my final plan. I cannot imagine any life without you. That is why I feel that my life is on hold; even though it goes on, it is dull, miserable, and suffocating. Far from you, I feel a great deal of disappointment.
Indifference in people deeply disturbs me. It feels like no one truly cares about another's pain except in rare cases, and those rare souls are the only ones worth noticing.
No one's life would pause if I disappeared. The world would keep moving as if I never existed.
If you are weak or broken, people look at you with silent judgment, as if you are less than them. And if you are lucky, they might offer you a few moments of pity nothing more.
Everyone is living for themselves, putting their own interests above everything and everyone.
That's why I believe the only escape from all of this is to create my own world… a small, quiet space with the person I love.
To me, true success is simple: a love that lasts, a life no matter how small that feels worth living. A home filled with warmth, children who carry pieces of us, and a journey of discovering the world together.
But even that feels impossible. Our love feels like a dream that can never exist like a perfect utopia that was never meant to be real.
So what am I supposed to do?
Once again, I find myself lost in my own thoughts.
Nothing makes sense. Everything feels random, unstable… and all I want is certainty. Just a small feeling of peace, of knowing. But even that seems out of reach.
I want to live like everyone else.
But no one truly understands what I'm going through… not even the ones closest to me.