"I said, what were you doing inside?" my father repeats, this time with a much harder tone.
I stammer. "S-sir… I was working on the sermon for today's meeting."
He looks at me with disbelief, his eyes narrowing as if trying to read something hidden on my face.
Before he can say anything else, my mother's voice cuts in from behind him.
"Oh honey," she says warmly. "The driver is downstairs and your bags are already in the truck. Please take care of yourself. I will miss you. I really wanted to follow you on this retreat, but if you say the Lord said I shouldn't be there, who am I to question it?"
She hugs him.
But my father's eyes never leave mine.
He keeps staring deep into my soul as if he knows something I don't know… or something I'm trying very hard to hide.
"Well," he finally says, "I would love to hear good reports about your preaching today. Otherwise… you won't like my reaction."
"I… okay, sir," I reply quickly.
I watch as he and my mother leave.
The moment they are gone, I let out a long breath and follow behind them toward the car outside.
When I get to church, the elders rush toward me immediately.
"Junior Pastor Ethan!" they call excitedly.
I stop in my tracks.
Junior pastor?
What the fuck.
Every new day these old hags come up with new titles for me. I'm not even officially ordained as a pastor and now I'm suddenly "Junior Pastor"?
They gather around me quickly.
"We have an incredible gathering of youths today," one of them says with excitement. "It's truly shocking. I guess the revival program held by our amazing senior pastor — your father — really convicted their hearts."
Another one nods eagerly.
"Yes, many young people have decided to join the church workforce."
Then one of them drops the bomb.
"You must cancel any sermon you prepared and quickly work on something that speaks directly to the hearts of the youth."
They give each other these silly smirks I wish I could slap right off their ugly faces… and then they walk away.
I stand there frozen.
What the actual fuck.
I barely even have a first sermon prepared. I mean… I was busy having one of my daily "me-time" sessions with the love of my life earlier this morning.
And now these old fuckers want me to prepare another sermon immediately?
Sigh.
I walk into the church.
Of course, the ushers escort me to the front like I'm some kind of important person.
Such hypocrisy.
Yes, hypocrisy. I know one when I see one.
Most of these ushers are married women who I'm pretty sure don't honor their husbands half the way they honor me or my father. Some of them would probably lie flat on the floor and let us walk over them.
But at home?
They'd probably turn into dragons the moment their husbands ask for a little respect.
Such a loser mentality.
Anyway, I take my seat.
And the good Lord knows I still don't have a sermon prepared.
But of course… I have to come up with something. Fast.
Something that speaks to the hearts of the people.
Something that will make these old hags send glowing reports to my father so he can at least feel proud of me.
Because I cannot mess up today.
Not today.
Especially when I still don't know if my father heard anything earlier this morning.
You know… me and my lover making insane love.
So I have to tread very carefully.
The choir is singing.
But my mind drifts somewhere else entirely.
I imagine Scarlet singing.
With my not-so-big microphone…
My joystick.
I smirk to myself.
Then suddenly I hear my name being called to the pulpit.
Great.
Showtime.
I walk up there like I'm Drake walking onto a stage full of screaming female fans. Everyone stands up to honor me.
Losers.
The first thing I say is, "Praise the Lord, church."
"Hallelujah!" they respond loudly, clapping and cheering.
If only they knew that my unenthusiastic ass would rather be buried deep inside Scarlet's warm body than standing in front of them right now.
But whatever.
I ask them to take their seats and begin preaching.
I decide to preach on something my father loves.
His classic guilt-trip sermons.
You know… abstinence, fornication, masturbation, and pornography.
If you guessed that, then you're absolutely right.
Today I'm going to make these youths cry and fake-repent.
I've heard these sermons so many times that I could preach them in my sleep.
Oh, when my dad preaches them I feel changed for maybe a day or two.
Then I'm right back to Scarlet's wet—
Anyway.
I begin.
"God hates sin," I say. "He hates fornication. Anyone who sleeps with someone they are not married to is condemned and has no place in the kingdom of God."
The church grows silent.
I continue quoting scripture.
"Jesus said that you don't even have to sleep with a woman before you are condemned. If you simply look at a woman and lust after her in your heart, you have already committed sin."
I pause for effect.
"Your body is the temple of the living God. And God cannot dwell in a place filled with sin. When you sin, you chase Him out."
Heads begin to bow.
"Your duty as a child of God is to protect that temple. Pray. Study the Word. Preach the gospel. And if you cannot control your desires… get married."
By the time I finish the sermon, the room is heavy with emotion.
Then I give the altar call.
"If you know you are living in secret sin… come out now so I can reconcile you with God."
Just as expected.
The youths rush forward.
Some are crying.
Some look distressed.
Some are shaking.
And they all come before me…
The grand master of secret sin.
So funny.
So pathetic.
Anyway, I lead them in the prayer of salvation and finish by saying:
"If you want mentorship… or someone to talk to… feel free to visit me or my father in our office anytime. We will help you walk in righteousness."
I drop the mic.
And the applause that follows sounds like I just won an Oscar.
Service ends.
I return to my office, preparing to start counseling sessions for the new converts.
I sit down and take a breath.
Then the door opens.
Someone walks in.
And I almost choke.
I can't believe my eyes.